That's the thought that went through my mind a million times yesterday. It was the date of our three year anniversary. There are days that Ryan doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yesterday, he's all I could think about. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish him to be completely miserable and lonely all day yesterday. I knew he had to go home to the house that used to be ours and sleep in the bed we used to share. I hope it was horrible and painful and hurtful for him. I honestly do. And if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. There were so many thoughts that went through my head on a continuous loop all day.
Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Totally going to come out wrong
But I have to say it. I know the people that read this blog are the ones I'm going to talk about. So please know that my comments that will be following are not directly about you...more about everyone that seems to be surrounding my life right now from my still-in-contact-with high school friends to my family to my new friends to my coworkers etc.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Looking back
So much has changed in the last five years of life it's amazing. I've been looking back quite a bit simply because Wednesday will mark the third year anniversary of my wedding.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
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