2008

I’d like to do my year-end review. Typically I hate these kind of things…but this has been such a rollercoaster of a year that I think it’s good to look back on it as a whole. So let's start from the top:

January - nothing too exciting. It was cold and icky (I don't remember that for a fact but it is Ohio and it is a pretty safe bet). My BIL got engaged over Christmas and I was anxious to be able to help them begin planning their wedding. We had also gotten a new puppy right before Christmas so he was consuming a lot of my time as well. Between the 3 dogs, a husband, and a decently busy job my time was pretty well taken up.

February - Ryan and I had been in the house for a year at this point and I couldn't believe where time had gone already. I was doing as much decorating as possible and painting and such. This is also sadly the month I lost my great grandma. Granny was 91 and had lived an amazing life. She was one of the best babysitters cause she’d let us stay up until we saw Mom and Dad’s headlights coming in the driveway. And she’d give us candy and read us books for hours and hours. Every time we’d get to her house she’d holler out to us, “Come in little ones!” And she’d sit and rock us for hours. I miss her still to this day. But I know she’s happy now. I know she’s in a wonderful place with all of the people she’s had to let go.

March – Nothing all that special in March either. The weather was still crappy, as it usually is in Ohio. Things didn’t seem to be getting any better with Ryan and me. I actually found myself not caring one way or another what he thought or how he felt about things. Emotionally, I was just about done. I would cry myself to sleep every night and would only hurt during the day. There were days that I wouldn’t get out of bed and simply call off work. I’d get up and get dressed enough so that by the time Ryan got home he’d never know that I hadn’t gotten up. I was extremely depressed and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I begged and begged to go to marriage counseling but he only poo-pooed the idea.

April – Well, I started this thing. haha! This was kind of a way for me to get my feelings out without having to worry too much about Ryan finding a journal or something. I know, seems funny to “hide” my thoughts and feelings on the *world*wide*web* but it was true. I went to a therapist by myself to rescue myself. I was drowning slowly completely losing sight of which end was up. I was alienating myself from my family and totally losing all of my friends. I was so hurt and so alone. At the end of my first counseling session I was told that we would either get Ryan in there with me, or we’d get me out of the horrible situation. Who would know for sure that I would end up where I am now…

May – At the beginning of the month a friend of mine let me know she’d be leaving her current position and encouraged me to get my resume to her stat. Good thing I did. After several interviews I got the job :) It is certainly an amazing stepping stone for me with some great networking opportunities. Just like any job, it has its ups and downs. But overall, I absolutely positively love it. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt to know that I was breaking into that “field”. Ryan told me flat out that he didn’t think I could do it in this area. He said it would be a waste of time and money to try to pursue and I should find a new dream. I told him thanks for being a supportive and loving husband and jack off.

June – It was warm, it was sunny…it was our two year anniversary. I look back and see nothing positive about our relationship. We made it to two years. Two years full of hurt, frustration and anger. Don’t get me wrong there were some amazing times in there as well. But overall, it was a time of stress for both of us. This is the month I finally got his parents involved. I knew I couldn’t handle everything by myself. And I knew (or at least hoped dearly) that I wasn’t just being a big baby about everything that was happening. I needed help from people who knew him better than I did. I had hoped that they would help him understand how he was being and that if he wasn’t careful, he’d lose something very special to him. If only he’d listened to his mom… Oh, and my cousin and his wife had their baby. The very first baby of all us cousins to the very couple that was so financially un-ready for a baby living in a place that is so not safe for a baby. Yeah, cause that one didn’t hurt at all.

July – What a month. Oy! It started out with my baby brother’s graduation party. I missed most of it, but it turns out it wasn’t such a horrible thing because the new baby was there and I’m sure she was as adorable as ever. I started becoming pretty good friends with some people here at work. And one, mischievous Wednesday night I ended up on a boat after dinner. A few beers in I somehow ended up in the lake. After running from car to car with no britches on, I stopped at Walmart to dry my hair under the hand dryer in the bathroom. It was one of the best memories I’ve ever made. I finally convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me. And then, we had a horrible weekend. It was a blowout. So I left. I up and walked out. I was done with the bullshit and done with the hurt. This was the hardest and yet most exhilarating time in my entire life. I felt empowered and amazing about myself for the first time in almost two years. I could make decisions on my own without worrying about being ridiculed and belittled.

August – This month was spent finding a reason and myself. Looking back over the entire year, I’m going to say this had to be one of the most challenging but enlightening months of the year. I was living under my parent’s roof again for the first time in 6 years and that was quite the adjustment. While it was a house I had lived in for 5 years, it no longer felt like my home. I was used to running my own household and setting my own schedule and making my own decisions. My puppies were in heaven having a huge fenced-in backyard to run and play in freely. They also were in their cages very little because with so many people in and out of the house, there was almost always someone home with them. I was extremely busy with work though so my time at home was very limited. Ryan and I were ‘dating’ per the request of our counselor and it was horribly awkward. The only way for me to describe it is like when you break up with someone after having a long-term relationship and then you try to be friends after. All of that history and those memories are in the forefront of your mind while you try to act like everything is brand new with this person. It just doesn’t usually work. It is safe for me to say now, but by this time I had already made up my mind on what was going to happen in the future. I knew deep in my heart that they scaring was too deep and too much to turn the situation around and make it good again. In my heart I knew, but I wasn’t quite ready to let the world in on it yet. I needed some more time to be 100% sure. I was working on finding a new balance for my life and struggling with the changes that were happening. I was also realizing that the things that were changing were huge, huge things and the entire future I had planned at one point was no more. I had a homework assignment from our counselor that gave me so much more insight than I had ever planned. For the first time in a very long time in our relationship I was open and honest with every single answer and I didn’t worry about how Ryan felt about what I was saying. I needed to get a lot of things off my chest and that helped me do it.

September – Looking back, I don’t remember a whole lot about this month. Nothing spectacular happened. I looked for an apartment and found some cute ones, but I ended up holding off on that (clearly) for a little bit. Otherwise, nothing really all that amazing happened to my knowledge.

October – Best month of the year. Hands down. Now, this could be because it was my ‘golden birthday’ month and I had one of the best birthday celebrations ever. The month as a whole started out a little rough. I had certainly made up my decision in my mind and was struggling portraying that to the appropriate people. I felt like I was drowning again and knew that I needed to remedy that. I came to some amazing realizations of how planning my life had clearly not worked and I was planning on stopping planning. haha! Seriously though, I decided to just keep dreaming and working towards end goals as opposed to the day-to-day planning I’m so familiar and comfortable with. My birthday weekend was so completely fantastic it will be hard to beat from here on out. I had dinner Friday night, went dancing Friday night, had breakfast Saturday morning, left work relatively early Saturday, went out with friends Saturday night, went to breakfast late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon consisted of a cookout with new friends and then Sunday night was a haunted house. Really, what more could a girl ask for?

November – I did it. I finally told Ryan flat out that it was completely over for me. I was done trying and done working at it. I had worked myself to death trying to fix what I clearly couldn’t and unfortunately all of that wasted energy was all I had in me. I came up with three goals for myself of what I’d like to happen within the next 5 years of my life:
1. Move the hell outta here. Get out of Ohio and find an amazing life somewhere else
2. Make another wise career move
3. Get my master’s degree
Of course being a girl also makes me hope to find love at some point. I’m certainly not rushing into anything, but I would like to hopefully have a decent prospect in the not too distant future. And I’m thinking 5 years seems relatively reasonable to find such prospect.

December – I’m not going to lie, the holidays were a little rough for me. This was the first time since I’ve been in high school that I was actually single for the holidays. I’ve had a boyfriend or fiancé or husband every single year since I was in 10th grade. It was kinda strange. What was even harder is going to the church I was married in for Christmas Eve service. I stayed in the middle of the pack of my family and just laid as low as possible. The month for me has been spent with family and friends old and new. In fact, last night I went to dinner with 6 of my friends from middle school and high school. I honestly can’t believe that I would still know and be friends with all of these amazing women. And it just reminds me to live for every moment I’m given. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given and I have absolutely no regrets in life. I’m thankful for the supportive and loving family God has blessed me with and I would chance that for the world. Of course I have my tiffs with them, but there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that every single one of them would take a bullet for me as would I for them. I have a wide range of friends that make me laugh and feel good on a daily basis. If it weren’t for the sequence of events I’ve had during the past 25 years of my life, good and bad, I wouldn’t be where I am. Sure I have “what if” moments. Who doesn’t? But I know I am who I am based on going through what I’ve gone through.

After all – it is what it is.

Wild Horses

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Black & White and Grey All Over

I got the draft for the Petition/Seperation Agreement/Decree about an hour ago. It's 14 pages long with lots of big words and formalities. Everything seems so black and white when you see it in writing and on paper like this. I know that in the court of law, it is black and white. They see these things tens of times a day.

But for me, it's personal.

I don't see the car they see listed under "JT" (joint for those of you like me who would have had no idea what that meant). I see a car that we bought literally 3 weeks after we were married because my poor little car couldn't make it any more. I see a car that we were so proud and so nervous to buy. It was the first brand new car either of us had ever personally owned and one that smelled so deliciously new as we drove it off the lot. I see a car that helped me understand that I was married and grown-up and making large financial decisions for the rest of my life with this man.

I don't see real estate that was purchased jointly. I see a house that became a home that has now been divided. I see memories in those colorful walls that started so blank. I see a washer and dryer that took weeks to buy to make sure we had the perfect set. I see a yard that was so lovingly taken care of day in and out. I see a dogwood tree in the yard that we were so excited to buy. I see a dining room suite that was bought spur the moment and had to be transported in the back of a pickup with my BIL riding with it freezing the whole way home. I see a gorgeous kitchen full of amazing appliances that were fought over when we signed the papers. I see a curtain in the dining room with a hole in it where our newest puppy decided to have a small snack.

The truth is I see memories and hopes and dreams in between the lines of these papers. I see good times and bad times. I see two lives that have taken drastic turns from where they were headed 2 years ago. I see grey...

Tired

I'm so tired. Life is seriously draining me. I put everything I have into everything I do and it never seems to be good enough. I'm just so exhuasted....

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Random Thoughts

It's probably partly because I'm sick and partly just cause I'm scatterbrained - but today is one of those days that I've got a lot going through my mind...so I'll jot them down here:

- I've always taken issue with people that don't like me when they don't know my whole story. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or maybe what has happened in your past so how can they really, fully judge you? I know perfectly well that it's human nature and that these things happen. But when I found out that Ryan's brother and his fiance are angry at me for how I've handled things, I was truly upset and hurt by the whole thing. I know that he's their brother and it's only human nature and that my family is the same way, but how they've handled things have hurt me. I gave them 8 tickets to a bridal show this past October. They are getting married in 2010 and I've been helping plan as much as possible or as much as they'll let me. I didn't see them at the show so I figured that meant they decided to go to the Cleveland one the week after instead. Boy, was I wrong. They were there, they saw me from afar and never came up to say hi. They said they didn't know what to say to me. Maybe they could have said thank you? Thanks for saving us $80 to come to this. Sometimes, things like that make this a little bit easier. I know for a fact that not a single person from my family would ever do something like that to any of them. Shit like that hurts.

- I'm going to legally change my name. I'm going back to the identity that I assumed and absolutely loved for 22 years. But I'm going to keep my current name at work. I'm a bridal coordinator and even though most people would think it's really not a big deal for a bridal coordinator to be divorced as long as she can throw a kick-ass event, you'd be completely wrong. People think that what happens in your personal life completely affects what happens in your professional life. Now, I know they intertwine much more than they should, but let's be honest people. Sometimes I'd like to shake those particular brides (or mothers because they tend to be worse about it) and say, "This is just another wedding. Your day will come and go and won't mean a gosh darn thing to me while I'm sitting in court finalizing my divorce" haha! Of course that's horribly harsh and honestly not how I feel about weddings. If it was, I wouldn't be employed in this position. I truly love the weddings I do and really bond with so many of the girls. They just don't always realize that I can put together an amazing event for them and not have it be affected by whether or not I'm wearing a wedding band. Which, by the way, will also remain on my finger. It's also easier to ward off the drunk groomsmen when I can tell them I'm married. hehe

- I've decided where I want to move. I've always wanted Chicago. And I do love that windy city. But I know that if I complain about the weather here, I'll only have 3 times as much to complain about there. I need hot. But I still need somewhere with seasons. I have family on the west coast and while I love it, the cost of living is definitely way higher than it is here. So I think I've found the perfect location. It's hot in the summer, warm in the winter but there are definitely still seasons. It's on the coast which means plenty of beach time. The cost of living is very reasonable. It's not a horribly touristy area. There is definitely potential for growth and opportunity. It's a quick plane ride back to Ohio but drivable if necessary. It's Charleston, South Carolina. Don't worry, I'll make sure I've got a place for you to crash when you come visit :)

- My friends are amazing. I've got a group of friends that I've made since I've started working here that are awesome people. They've completely taken me in and made me feel like one of the crew. I know that they would truly have my back too. If I ever needed anything I could guarantee they'd be there to help in an instant. In these said group of friends, I have a slight embarrassing confession: they make me feel really good. They are always complimenting me not only on my looks but on my personality as well. I've always admitted that girls like to be checked out. Any girl will deny that, but every girl wants it. We like to feel desirable. And quite honestly, in the past 2ish years I haven't felt that way at all. I have felt ugly and rejected. And yes, MO, I know your warning about a certain someone here. Don't worry...it won't get too serious ;) hahaha!

- I need to find someone to take Max. My poor monkey. I want to keep him more than anything, but it's just not going to work. I work a ton of hours, especially during the summer. It's not that I couldn't make it work somehow, but it's honestly not fair to him. He needs room to run and play. He *loves* running. My parents have a decent sized back yard and everytime he goes outside he sprints off the deck and around the whole perimiter or the fence at least 5 times. And he is so fast! Where I can afford to live and will be able to live around here will not have the space for him that he needs. He is such a lover and an amazingly sweet boy. He loves cuddling and is extremely protective over me. He is a huge scardy cat and afraid of everything, especially new people. But if he ever feels threatened he has this horribly mean and scary bark. He uses that bark as he backs up toward me or behind the couch. haha! But it is very intimidating. And if I would ever be threatened or in danger, he wouldn't even bat a lash and he'd definitely protect me. He loves playing tug and loves chasing balls. He's definitely got lab in him with his fetching abilities. And I'm not sure what breed gives him his running abilities, but damn is he quick. He is my little monkey and it breaks my heart knowing he won't be my puppy forever, but it's not fair to him to be kenneled all day every day. And he's young, so I know he'll be ok.

- Ryan is being nice now. Super nice. Like today when I emailed him to tell him I was going to the doctor and tell him about our appointment with the attorney, he emailed me back and said, "Anyway, in all sincereness please do use the insurance card for the doctor's visit. You shouldn't have to pay anything - the deductable has been met. It will be atleast a little cheaper. Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok." After that when I called to tell him I did use the insurance he said how he genuinely cares about me and wants me to get better. And then we were talking about dissolution stuff and certain details we need to work out, like refinancing and such. Anyhow, it's good because this is exactly how things should work out with both of us being nice and adult-like and such. But it still makes me a little uneasy sometimes. I think part of it is the fact that he knows financially he's getting out really easy. I'm sure his dad told him that and told him to lay low on things. Which is fine, I'll take nice any day.

- I feel like crap. I've got a sinus infection that is seriously sucking any energy I possibly have out of me. Blech...

I think that's it for right now. haha!

Bittersweet

So last night, Ryan gave in. He stopped fighting me on this and gave in. He knows it is over between us. He knows there is no future for us being married.

It hurt so bad. It's what I want. I know it is. But it still hurts. I feel rejected, not good enough, not wanted. Stupid? Maybe. But it's still so hard.

What's in a name?

So something that never really occured to me before but I guess it's something I can/should think about is my name. For 22 years I was a Foringer and it was so extrememly hard to not be one anymore when I got married. But Becky Brown was soo much easier and it really wasn't *that* big of a deal. But what about now?

Honestly, I didn't even think about changing my name back until one of my friends suggested it. Mostly it was just to shake things up with our fellow church mates. (We were always the rebels that liked making all of their heads roll. :insert evil laugh here:) But she really got me thinking about it.

No one at work knows me as Becky F. Only Becky Brown. And to the really cool ones, Downtown Becky Brown. haha! Actually, for all legal purposes I'm still Becky F. (Well, Rebeca actually but let's not do that, I'll think I'm in trouble with my mother)

I can't even tell you how much Brown is (or F-as in Frank, O-R-I-N-G-E-R as I've had to say it forever). I can easily get my name on a list in a noisy restaurant, very few people ask how to spell it over the phone (yes, I've had a few ask), and what isn't cool about having an alliterate name. And really, it is just a name.

But it's my name.

Anyone out there that subjects themself to reading this horrific blog have an opinion for me that might help? Anyone else been divorced? What did you do? Who should I be?

So very hard for me

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Those words speak to me deeply. See, I'm a planner by nature. It's literally in my blood to have everything planned out and ready to go. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty good at taking things in stride as they come up and interfere with what I've planned. But as long we can stick with the greater master plan. Now, being a Christian, I know that my plan means absolutely jack in the grand scheme of things. But this doesn't keep me from planning. Nope. I just plug away with my mental and written lists and timelines and plans. And when we deviate from that, I make a new plan based on that.

Quite honestly, I don't think that planning is such a bad thing. I think that it helps keep your head on straight sometimes. It helps to keep the day-to-day routines going in a relatively straight line as to reach the final goal. But I do know that by following "my plan" I've missed out on a few opportunities along the way that could have been life altering.

So I'm trying to change my thoughts and actions on planning. I'm focusing more on the end results. I'm all about idea boards and visualizing the future and not so much about directing the way I get to it. I've always written out goals and taped them somewhere so that I can see them every day and remind myself why it is I get up and go in the mornings.

So what about my plan for life right now? Honestly, I don't have one. I mean, I kinda do. I know that I want a family some day. I know that I want to have a relatively equal balance of extended family, immediate family, career, religion and hobbies (yeah, I know, who doesn't). But honestly, I don't have a plan for tomorrow really.

In some ways it scares the crap out of me. I've never been like this. Ever. But in other ways, I feel liberated. I feel like nothing can possibly hold me back from whatever it is I want to do. Not even myself.

Here are the things I know will happen in my life in the next 5ish years
1. I will move out of Ohio. I have to. I have to spread my wings somewhere else. I feel stale and held down here. I love my family more than anything and it will be so damn hard to not have them within a quick car trip, but I honestly believe the world gets smaller every day.
2. I will make a very wise career move. Clearly, since I'm planning on leaving the state, I'll have to make a change of employer. What position I will work into from here, I'm not quite sure. But I do know it will be very well thought out and strategic.
3. I will go back to school. It's something I've been putting off a bit and I really need to quit doing that. I need my masters. No ifs, ands or buts about it. In order to move up, I honestly believe I need a higher degree. And knowledge is something no one can ever take from you.

Beyond that, I'm not really sure what will happen in my life in the next 5 years.

Here's to hoping it's mostly positive though!

Goodbye

Dear Ryan –

I’ve decided to write this letter because I’ve always been better at written words as opposed to spoken. I typically get all flustered and lose track of what it is I really want to say. So here it is…a letter to explain to you how I feel.

If someone would I have told me 6 years ago that I would fall in love, graduate college, get married, buy a car, buy a house, get a dog (or three), and become a bridal coordinator all by the time I was 25, I would have laughed in their face. (And promptly asked them to tell me more of what they know is going to happen in my life.) Two years ago, if someone would have told me that the man I so greatly adore will consequently break my heart and crush my spirit and I would be moving back in with my parents, I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.

However, the good, the bad and the ugly of each of those statements have come true. It has been one hell of a ride. We’ve had ups and downs and all-arounds. Some of the happiest moments of my entire life have happened with you. First and foremost, our wedding day. I worked so very hard to make it a perfect day, and I truly believe that it was just that. And three short weeks later we bought my very first brand new car. Something I honestly didn’t see happening in my life for a very long time. Pulling into my parent’s driveway was one of the absolute best feelings I’ve had. And of course, buying our house. Who knew that two twenty-somethings could afford something like that? And actually have furniture (even if it was all hand-me-down) to fill it with. Our three little rascals are certainly apples of my eye, and I know yours too.

When I look back on the 6 years of us dating, being engaged and being married, I certainly smile. It really does make me happy to see what we accomplished in a short amount of time. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say those thoughts and memories weren’t tainted. For about a year to a year and a half, I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of who I really am and I was simply surviving life. It’s definitely not all your fault, and I’d never put the blame on you for that. Mostly that is my fault for not standing up for myself and allowing life around me to change who I was and what I stood for. Unfortunately though, that is what happened.

So many days I was crushed and never felt like enough. The smallest things that were said to me are some of the things that hurt the absolute most. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to, and couldn’t, get out of bed because I felt as though I had absolutely no reason to go on with life. My family was no longer good enough and could do nothing but wrong. I love my family more than anything on this entire planet and I found myself taking sides. I’d be defending them to you for small, silly things and I’d feel myself slipping further and further away from you with every little dig.

Last October I really thought we hit a turning point. I thought that you truly got where I was coming from when I told you I was ready to leave. I was changing (slowly, yes) for you and trying to respect your every request. Things were great for awhile. We had fun spending time together and made a real effort to make each other happy. But things changed quickly. I don’t know whose fault it was, and I’m not one to point fingers. But I know it went downhill about a month or so after that.

Don’t get me wrong, even through all of the bad times, there were amazing times. Like after my whole family left from Christmas Eve and you told me you were proud because I had pulled the whole thing together and everyone had a good time and was happy. Or when I pulled the housewarming party off by myself and you were proud of me for that as well. But for me, even the great times seem to be overshadowed. Life always seems to be such a struggle with us. We always seem to be trying to “win” battles or argue our case.

Before I moved out of the house, I had moved out of our relationship well before that. I needed to rescue myself and make me whole again. For weeks and weeks and weeks I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to not let you hurt me anymore. I stayed as long as I did because I honestly thought you would kill yourself, or me, out of desperation. That is a horrible and lonely way to live though. I learned that very quickly. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to get myself out of that situation unscathed. I had to rely on the family that I had pushed aside before and I thank God every day for putting them in my life.

See, when I married you, I planned on you being my family. Of course I wanted to keep my “extended” family very close in our lives but I wanted them to be just that – extended family. But in the end, I found myself making you my extended family. You felt as though we were excluding you and making plans against you. But in all honestly, everyone was trying their absolute best to help me get through those tough times. They were giving me encouraging words and the hugs I needed to push through. And push I did. I kept pushing as hard as I possibly could to make things work for us. Everything you asked of me, except a joint account, was done. And even the things you were asking me to do and I was doing, weren’t good enough. It crushed my spirit and honestly made me feel worthless.

You ask me if I’ve seen a change in you over the past 3 months, and my answer is yes. I see you becoming a better man and striving for better. And I do appreciate that so very much. But I’m afraid it’s too little too late. I’m not in love with you anymore, Ryan. Respect is such an important thing for me. It’s something that I give only when I get it. And I didn’t get it. You told me at one point that you wouldn’t talk to anyone else the way you talk to me. That day my heart shattered. I’ll never forget that day for the rest of my life. And that’s why I can’t do this. Because I’ll honestly never forget that.

I want out, Ryan. It’s over for me. And I’d only be hurting us both if I kept stringing this along at this point. I pray that you will some day understand why I’m making this decision. I certainly don’t expect you to now. Please know that I prayed over this for a very long time. It’s what I cry myself to sleep with every night. I will always love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you and know that if you ever need anything, I will be there to help. I simply cannot do it as your wife.

Love,

Becky

Fantastic Weekend!!

I had an *amazing* weekend! It all started on Thursday. We had the Glenn Miller Orchestra at work on Tuesday and the group invited me to come see them perform on Thursday in Akron. I was excited because it would be a fun night out so I went. After the concert they had a cocktail reception and it was fun hanging out with them. They are a great group of guys. :) I ended up staying out pretty late with that so Friday morning I was completely dragging at work. But that's ok cause it was definitely worth it.

Friday after work Mom and Dad wanted to take me to dinner for my birthday. Ryan wanted to take me as well so I suggested all going together. Not only that, but it was a way for me to not have to do dinner exclusive with Ryan (horribly mean? maybe. over it? definitely). After dinner Mom and Dad had a social dance at their dance studio (they've been taking ballroom dancing) and they offered for me to go and watch. I, being the generous sucker I am, also asked Ryan if he would like to go. Mistake. Because when we got there he started acting like a stupid little baby. We were offered to participate in the dancing and learn a little bit as we went along. He started ranting and whining about how I knew this the whole time and I set him up and I should know better because I know how much he doesn't like dancing and blah blah fucking blah. I was so pissed and so annoyed. I just ignored him almost the entire rest of the time. I'm so over that. He then had the nerve to tell me he had a good time and asked if I wanted to go get coffee or a drink after. Um, no fucktard.
So when I got home he called and we started fighting about it more. I informed him it's my birthday and I'm leaving it drama free and when he decides to grow up, I'll talk to him.

So I moved on from that not letting it ruin my weekend. Saturday morning I had a nail appointment cause Ron wanted to make sure I looked perfect for my birthday. haha! He's so sweet :) What's better than having your nail guy as your friend? Then I grabbed Panera with a friend for breakfast and headed into the office. My wedding went perfect that day! Everything went smoothly and everyone was happy. And it was an early night! The bar closed by 10 so I was able to get out of there by 9. it was great! I headed out of work, changed into a cute birthday outfit and went out. A group of my friends were at 7 Martini watching the game so I went there. Unfortunately the Bucks lost, but I can't control everything on my birthday! haha! A few more of my friends trickled in throughout the night and it was a great time! There was dancing and drinking and laughing and overall good fun. There were a few small random drama things, but nothing to ruin the night overall. After bar close we decided to head over to Steak and Shake for some good, greasy food. Unfortunately they sucked bad. So we rolled on over to iHop. Which was a great idea, until someone in our group went through a light a little too orange (that's what you say when you know it's red when you are going through but you think it should still be considered yellow. haha) She only got a traffic violation, but it still sucked for her night. After some french toast and bacon (yep, I'm healthy) I headed home.

Sunday I enjoyed a cookout with friends and then a haunted house. Let me just tell you how awesome the new Factory of Terror is. It was such a fun time! Seriously!

Anyhow, I would definitely say this birthday made up for all the past ones. I smiled and laughed and had a fantastic time the whole weekend!

Senior Advice

We were taken o'er so intense
With no time to act, it made no sense
We both tried to stop but could not hide
The burn we had so deep inside.

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

Now you try to walk away, yeah so far away
Cuz you're so afraid of feeling pain
But if you are all walled from all that's bad
Then you’ll miss all the good you should've had

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

As of now though I don't know no I don't know
How this little play is gonna go
I won't take anything of you for free
So please don't wall yourself from me

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

Too much pressure

So I've figured it out. I've figured out why my birthdays always suck. I put too much pressure on them. Plain and simple. I expect too much out of them and expect them to be wonderful. Let's look back at my past 4ish birthdays:

21st - Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. I was soooo sick. I had the flu and the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire life (and I've had some bad ones). My family headed out to my school to take me to my birthday dinner. I could barely sit up in the seat. We went to Applebee's and my mom was sweet enough to order me something tall and fruity and deliciously alcoholic. I couldn't even take a full sip of it. I was so drugged up and so sick that I didn't even take a bite of food either. I called my mom the next morning and told her I wished I felt like shit because I was so hungover from an amazing bash and not because I was so damn sick.

22nd - I don't want to even get into this birthday. Just trust me, it sucked more than any and all of the others I can ever explain.

23rd - See, I was newly married and all excited to have a great night out with my new husband and a group of our friends and family. Turns out though, he had to be out of town on business. That's ok, I'll just celebrate with my friends that I was planning on doing anyhow. But did that happen, you ask? Nope! Everyone's plans changed. I don't even know what I ended up doing honestly. I blocked it from my memory.

24th - My life was shitty at this point. I was completely and utterly unhappily married and miserable. He was going out of town and it was finally a safe time for me to move out and make a point to him that he needs to shape up or ship out. Well, as I was packing and moving he called and we talked and I read the letter I was planning on leaving and we had a serious heart-to-heart and laid it all out on the line. The long and the short is that he admitted he was beeing a doo-doo head and agreed to change. Soooo...I was determined this was going to be the best birthday weekend ever still. My cousin and I were going down to Columbus to go to the game and have an entire weekend of shopping and eating and drinking. And we were going to get our tatoos that we forever wanted. Well, the game was fun, the drinking and eating were pretty fun but wouldn't you know, I got another f'ing migraine! And of course, it was on the day we were supposed to get our tattoos. And the thought of a needle piercing my skin thousands of time is intimidating enough when you don't have a hundred-million pound vice squeezing your head and you are puking your guts out because of it. This was all the weekend before my birthday. And on my actual birthday I was going to go out with a group of friends and have some drinks and celebrate. Oh, and have I mentioned Ryan was out of town this whole time? So my birthday came and a friend of mine was coming in town to go out with us and was just going to stay at my house. Well, surprise! She brought her girlfriend. Yep, my newly lesbian friend brought her girlfriend. Fine, whatever. I like her girlfriend so it's not that big of a deal. Well it wouldn't have been. Except the fact that they were ALL over each other at the bar the whole time. And don't think I'm against them as a couple or anything, I'm against any couple that can't keep their hands to their fucking self in public places. And I don't mean a little butt groping or anything. No. I'm talking full out feeling each other up. So we get home and they get all freaky with each other and are fucking loud. All damn night. I get about 4 hours of sleep and make it to work just a wee bit cranky.

25th - Well, this is supposed to be my 'golden year' or my 'balanced birthday' cause I'm turning 25 on the 25th. We'll see. I'm seriously doubting it's going to be even half way decent. I'm living at my parents (not like it would matter even if I was at home and happily married, Ryan is going to be out of town anyhow) and going through the shittiest time of my life on my marriage aspect. I have to work on my birthday, and not just work, I have a wedding which means I can't even get out at 6ish and still have a great night. Now, the good news is that it's an early one so I'll be out of here by about 9, but still. And then, I was planning on going out after with a big group of friend. Well, I just found out yesterday that 3 of them won't be there. And my cousin/best friend is going to be out of town as well. I don't know what it is exactly I need to have happen in order to feel like it will be a great birthday, I guess I'm just hoping for too much.

p.s. - for those of you that were curious...the text secret thing I was talking about is a blog. mytextsecret.blogspot.com (I think)

p.s.s. - I know this entire blog is me bitching and sounding like a little kid. But I have to admit that I totally take birthdays way more serious than I should. I've always been the kind of person to go WAY above and beyond for all of my friends to make sure they have a fantastic time

p.p.s. - I never know if it should be 2-p's or 2-s's after the first p.s. What does p.s. stand for anyhow?

Secrets

I have a serious obsession with postsecret. I seriously can't get enough of it. I guess it's because I have secrets I would like to share. The funny thing about the secrets people share are that they, on some level, would love for them to be found out. Otherwise they wouldn't mail them to a perfect stranger to have the entire internet read them. I found another website that is similar and I wasted a good bit of my sleep time last night reading it. And for some unknown reason at 2:43am I did it, I texted that perfect stranger. Why? Not sure. I want my secret to be found out on some level. I know I do. I've always been the kind of person that has secrets and yet wants them to not be secrets. Like in my mind I have this idea that the secret I'm currently holding will be the one that will unlock the amazing fairytale part of my life. That's the secret I sent. The secret that will unlock that part of my life. Because I know the person I wrote it about will happen to be on that website after it's posted reading the completely anonymous texts and come across mine and know I'm talking about them and call me and we will talk and catch up after 4 years and everything will be perfect and we'll be best friends again.

Delusional much?

Daily Quote

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.
— Gloria Steinem

AM.NOT.TWELVE

Seriously, I'm not 12 years old anymore. Just because I went to the New Kids concert last week does not mean I'm going backwards in age. My face is ridiculously broken out right now. Like I can pretty much connect the dots right now. I'm sure it's just because of stress cause I'm busy with work and still dealing a lot with the home situation, but come-freakin-on!

On another note, I'm extending my resume. Yep, on Monday I was a DJ. Not too shabby either. I'm not so fond of the talking and making announcements part of it, but the changing songs thing I've got down. haha! And I've just gotten asked to be a photographer for the second time. Good times.

Drowning

I'm drowning in my thoughts and feelings and fears and hopes and dreams and skepticism and optimism.


Yeah, I think that covers it all.

So tired...

I'm so tired today. Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I was up until freakin 3am and then I work back up about 5:30 and couldn't fall back into a deep sleep at all. It sucked. So now today I'm draggin ass. And I've got a hair appointment right after work and then Zumba right after that. If I don't sleep tonight it'll be a miracle. Or a crying shame. Guess we'll see.

My weight

So I have this problem. I forget to eat. All the time. Well, not all the time, but all the time when I'm busy. I have litereally gone for 2 days and have forgotten to eat. When I got married in June of 2006 I weighed 110 lbs. That's sick. I should never have been that skinny. But I graduated from college a month before and started a new job the week before. Between all of that and the stress of the wedding and moving into a new apartment the day before, I forgot to eat a lot. After I got married I porked up. Quite a bit actually. At one point I was 130. Yikes! My weight fluctuates a lot though on a daily basis. I've been known to weight myself hourly just to see where I am and it's been proven that a good poop can make me lose 2 pounds. 2 pounds! Crazy! Anyhow, so lately I've been stressed. Between my home life and my work life things have been in absolutely turmoil and just busy. The other night I was down in my sister's room and decided to weigh myself on her scale. Now, when I was at home we had a scale in the bathroom so I'd weigh myself every morning and usually every night. (Twice in the morning - before and after the morning pee...it's fun, you should do it) When I left, I weighed an average of 125 lbs. I hopped on Halley's scale and the number said 114. Holy crap! Where did that come from?? I was convinced that it was just her scale and that it was accurate. I happened to be going to Ryan's the next day so I decided to try myself on my scale there. Yep, it said 117. And what's more is that I had on jeans a sweatshirt and tennis shoes. Which can sadly all account for almost 3 lbs.

What's bad right now is that I don't feel I look as skinny as I did 2 years ago. Then, I knew I was too skinny and I needed to put on a few pounds. 118 should be my low. But I've been scaring myself lately because I thought I was easily 125 when really I was 114. I've noticed a double chin and I think my cheeks at my jaw line have looked rather fatty lately too. There are parts of me that I know I've lost weight recently. The bossoms for example. Small enough but dear god I think I lose 2 lbs a day with how those stupid things seem to be shrinking. None of my bras fit right now and it completely sucks and is annoying.

I guess the reason for me blogging this is so I have a reminder to myself. Eat. Even if your stomach isn't growling, even if you forget if you have or haven't eaten yet today, eat. If it's any time around noon or 6pm, it's probably time to eat. I'm going to be extremely busy come this next month with a ton of weddings and some other events.

Anyhow, no comments needed from anyone this is simply for myself and to remind myself that my double chin really isn't that bad. haha!

Bad blogger

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's not that I haven't started an entry. I've actually started 3, just haven't finished a single one of them and then I get distracted and then when I re-read what I've written, I've lost my train of thought. haha! Anyhow...let's see...what is going on...

Saturday I went out with my sister. I had a total blast! We went to one place to meet a friend of ours for his birthday celebration. The big 37. He called it his half life birthday which I think is kinda silly. We started there then headed over to the martini lounge. Good fun was had there as well. My little sister got pretty silly that night. In fact, she basically passed out in the car on the way home. haha! In the morning she was on the phone with her fiancee (whom was also recovering from the night before) and he asked her why she got so messed up and her response? "I didn't want to, they kept buying me shots" haha! It was a good time.

Sunday Ryan and I had a good day. Not a good day as in I'm-moving-back-home-cause-things-are-going-so-great-good-day. More like a I'm-finally-being-totally-and-completely-and-utterly-honest-with-my-husband-good-day. And you know what, that honesty isn't what he wants to hear right now? But it's ok. It's actually really good. Because if I can't be honest, what's the point? Why be not honest and miserable and only end up in the same spot I was?

I don't think I can ever get past what happened with us. I honestly in my heart of hearts don't think I can. We were talking last night about how we both genuinely miss the couple we were when we were dating/engaged. Durin the week we'd talk about our entire day, troubleshoot each other's problems and just be an open ear. Then we would go out Saturday night and have a great time then literally stay in bed all day Sunday with each other. We'd order Domino's thin crust pizza, stay in our pajamas and just watch football and laugh and talk and nap and enjoy each other. I miss that. Who doesn't want a relationship like that?

But now, I don't think I can ever be that couple with him again. I really don't. And it truly breaks my heart. I'm not naive enough to not know that marriage takes work. I get that and I think any couple out there that says otherwise is stupid. I know that not every week will be that perfect regardless of how great the relationship is. But I also know it's more than it was.

I quoted him the song that I've been relating to a lot lately. In fact, there is only one line in the song that really means the most to me. The rest of it relates, but there is one line on where I am right now. I'll post the whole song because, like I said, it all is relavent, but the line that I bolded and italisized means that absolutely most to me right now:

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me



It took me a long time to figure out I could run. It took me a long time to actually figure out I had the strength to stand up to him and his actions and make it on my own. But when I really did figure it out, it took everything I had to make it happen. And I just don't know if I have anything left to turn back around.....

On the hunt

I went hunting today. It was actually pretty easy. haha! I found an apartment that I really liked pretty quickly. I did some searching on apartments.com and rent.com and narrowed down my choices from there. Then today I enlisted the help of my cousin and we went hunting. :) I found a cute one within my budget and close to work. So we'll see. My October is going to be absolutely insane with work so I'm thinking I'll wait until November 1stish. But anyhow, I'm really excited of the thought of living on my own. Of setting my own timelines for everything and just learning more about who I am. Of course it's not a huge palace or anything (if you knew my salary you'd understand why. haha) but it'll be home. I haven't told my parents or Ryan yet. That should be interesting to say the least.



And for those that asked, no, I did not write those lyrics in the last post. It's actually a song from Jessica Simpson's new album (yep, I'm guilty of buying the MP3s online. hehe). It was a song that spoke to me so I thought I'd post the lyrics.

Remember That

remember how he told you you were stupid
how he couldn't even look at you anymore
remember how he told you you were crazy
how he got out of the car and slammed the door
he said you cant do anything right
why you gotta make me so mad
just get outta my sight
remember that

when its 3 am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless
remember that

remember how he pushed you in the hallway
just enough to hurt a little bit
remember the whiskey in his whispers
and the lies that fell so easy from his lips
he said he'll never do it again
you can't take it back
the proof is on your skin
remember that

when its 3am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless
remember that

it doesn't matter how he hurts
you with his hands or with his words
you don't deserve it
it ain't worth it
take your heart and run

when its 3am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless remember that
remember that
oh remember that

remember you're gonna be all right take it from me i've stood there in your shoes

One forward, two back

That's what Ryan told me yesterday. He said everytime we take one step forward, we take two steps back. The comment totally pissed me off. I'll explain (and don't be surprised if this gets long - I have a lot to say today):

Sunday we were going to take the dogs to the dog park somewhere. I decided to be extremely nice and open and invite him down to my parent's house instead so we wouldn't be limited on time and so all the dogs could play together (most of the parks have size restrictions which means Max would be separated from the other 2). Was I nervous about him coming down and spending time there? Hell yeah I was. But I figured it would be fine.

And it really was fine. He was really weird at the beginning and when we went to pick up pizza later he said he just felt reall awkward. Which was completely understandable and all. But I did have to pry that out of him which I found pretty annoying. Anyhow, so the night went well. At times it felt like things were back to normal. But back to normal isn't necessarily a good thing. I found myself wondering what it was he would complain about later on the phone.

The good news is that he didn't complain later. In fact, we actually had a really good conversation. I realized that even though things may change between he and I, I'm not sure if things will ever be what I want them to be. Let me explain - when he and I got engaged and married, we were young. There is no denying that. I was 20 and he was 21 when we got engaged. And we were married 2 years later. I had just graduated college a month before and even though he graduated a year before me, he was still living with his parents and had only been working for 8 months. Neither of us had really experienced "real life" and had never really had to fend for ourselves in any way. I'm not saying we were too young necessarily because there are couples out there that make it work all the time. What I am saying, is maybe we were too immature to make such a life commitment. We both come from very different family lives and have found that interfering with our relationship. My family is very loud and outgoing and giving while his is much more introverted and considerate of other people talking (mine totally isn't! haha). We never went through anything super hard together. We never went through the stresses of life such as large purchases or anything like that. Our relationship was definitely built and maintained over the phone and email. I'm just afraid that we really did make a stupid choice.

Anyhow, back to the original post - the 2 steps back. So Sunday evening Ryan told me that I should bring one or both of the dogs up when I go to pick my contacts up from the eye doctor and we can have dinner together. I never commited to it and told him we would see. Well, I decided not to. My dad was running coax to the rooms in the house that don't have it and I was going to help him. I called Ryan and told him I wouldn't be coming over but we'll have dinner together Friday to celebrate his birthday (which is on Sunday but I have to work). He got weird and then got off the phone rather quickly. I knew he was upset I wasn't coming up, but I really do have other stuff to do.

So he called me later and I was putting together some shelves so I said I'd call him back. Well I really did forget to and remember about an hour and a half later. I called, and he was already sleeping. So I didn't keep him on the phone and just said we'd talk tomorrow. About 3 minutes later, he called me back and was angry with me. I apologized for forgetting to call, but that's all it was. If I really intended to purposely forget, I wouldn't have called at all. Then he proceeds to tell me how we took one step forward but two steps back. I'm sorry, what? We just spent an entire day together with my family and you are telling me that simply because I chose to pick my contacts up earlier in the day and not eat dinner with you our relationship took two steps back? Now, I know in my head I'm being a dramatic girl in some ways about this. But honestly, I think he's being stupid about the whole thing.

It's not like I ever fully commited to have dinner with him. It's not like he had to rearrange his entire day to have dinner with me and then I cancelled on him anyhow. And if it really was that big of a deal to him, why couldn't he tell me when I called to tell him I wasn't coming down for dinner? Instead, he waited until 11:30 that night to tell me how he really felt.

Honestly, I'm stuck on the whole two steps back thing. It makes me feel that what I do give him and what I am trying to work with isn't enough. And that frustrates me to no end.

One hell of a week

Seriously. The week sucked ass. My weeks start on Tuesdays and it's surprising how quickly I've gotten used to that. Anyhow, Tuesday morning I woke up to a serious migraine. Puking and all. Definitely not fun. So I ended up missing my weekly sales meeting which sucked (and definitely didn't suck in other ways) but my whole week got kicked off to people not minding their own damn business. Tuesday and Wednesday were horrible days at work for me. By Thursday I decided that the people that were getting to me the most, were the people that meant the least.

On top of work, I had a completely breakdown on Wednesday at home too. The whole "just don't belong" thing came to a complete head and I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up yelling at Ryan, which I do feel badly for, but he just wasn't getting it. I kept telling him how I don't feel like I belong in my parent's home and I'm just having a hard time adjusting to any of it and he kept telling me I could go back home. WTF don't you get about it?! I was there! I got treated like shit, I left.

He told me the other day how much he misses me. I told him in response, "I told you that you would." Shitty? Maybe. Truthful? Definitely. I remember one conversation perfectly clear. He flew off the handle about me not folding the laundry in the dryer when it buzzed and letting them sit and get a little wrinkly (something I'm guilty of a lot of times). I told him to chill cause it wasn't that big of a deal and he walked passed the dryer about 6 times and could have stopped to do it (it's in the mudroom off the garage). He told me he does enough around the house and the fight went on from there. I told him plain as day, "You will miss me when I'm gone some day. You will regret every word you are saying and you will really miss me." And now he does.

In one way, I feel almost justified by that. In another way, my heart hurts that he couldn't listen up then.

I'm going to look at apartments next week. Maybe it's too soon, I don't know. But it feels right to me. The idea of being independent and making everything work on my own is what is pulling me that direction. The fact of almost feeling justified in knowing that I can do it on my own and I can be successful and happy and balanced. Another reason for wanting this is to literally have a place that I can feel like it's ok to come and go without inconveniencing my parents or leave the laundry in the dryer a little longer if I want (of course that won't happen with the apartments I can afford on my own. haha! But you get the idea)

As for this weekend - I'm going out tonight! I need to drink off the week and I haven't seen my best friend in forever!

Just don't belong

That's how I've been feeling lately. Like I just don't belong anywhere. I definitely don't belong at home with Ryan. It's awkward and weird there. I'm not ready to go back by any means and no matter how much I miss my huge closet and bathroom, I just can't convince myself that's enough to move back. haha!

But at the same time, I also don't really feel like I belong in my parent's home either. I was gone long enough that it isn't really my home anymore. And my work schedule is nuts so I'm really never there when they are. By the time they get home and eat dinner and are ready to head out to whatever they are doing for the evening, I'm just getting home. And the fact that I have 2 dogs there doesn't help the situation at all.

I've decided to ask Ryan if he would be able to have Maggie live with him again. She's much more "needy" of people's time and attention and I've definitely been made aware of that by my mom. Max is a little more like an extension of Diamond (my parent's golden) so he's much less of a hassle. He's crate trained and actually really loves his crate. He's clearly housebroken and overall just really goes with the flow.

Anyhow, I guess that's where I am. Just not sure where I belong with anyone or anywhere. I know my parents aren't trying to make me feel that way on purpose. I know this is just as hard for them, but sometimes it really makes it harder on me. I feel like I need to rush my decision of what is going to happen simply because I'm taking up space in their house.

The hardest part

The hardest part that I'm having to come to terms with is actually rather surprising to me. It's explaining to people and me having to be ok with them not being ok with it. Follow that? I didn't think so, I'll give an example.

I was talking to an aquaintance (not really a friend, not really just a random person) who knows a little bit about what I've been going through. She was asking me questions about where I am with things and how things have been going. Now, being a normal person she told me that she hopes we can work things out. She made a comment about how if I once loved him enough to work so hard for our relationship and loved him enough to marry him, it has to be somewhere inside me to want to get back. To me, it seemed like a sweet naive comment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't annoyed, I was actually kind of glad she said that.

The thing is, no one really knows what I'm going through. I can explain my every thought and feeling and action to someone constantly throughout my entire day, but I don't think they'll ever actually understand how it really feels. How much it really hurts and how much it really just sucks. They'll also never understand how relieved I feel about things and how I'm feeling more on track of where I want my life to be right now that I have in the past year.

Some people get a lot more of it than I think they do. Like the other day my cousin/best friend said "I'm just glad Becky is back" That comment made me so happy. She knows more about me than anyone on this planet and I'm so glad to hear her know this is me.

On a side note - I was reading over some of my answers to the questions below, and I realized how open and honest I was in them. I didn't think I was being that open in them (I probably wouldn't have posted them anywhere on the internet if I would have even thought about it first) but I'm so glad I was. I think it really shows another milestone in where I am right now. I'm ok with having certain feelings and sharing them.

Homework

We got some homework reading assignments for our counseling. One of them was excerpt from the book "Too Bad to Stay but Too Good to Leave" and there were 10 questions on there to answer. Here is what I got for them:

1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.

2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.

3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.

4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.

5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.

6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.

7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.

8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.

9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.

10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.

Sentimental

So last night I cried. It's been the first time that I've cried on my own about this whole thing for about 2 weeks. I happened to be looking through the pictures on my phone and it made me miss a lot of things about how they used to be. When I was packing to move out I took a minute to get a shower. When I came out, I found Zoey laying on top of one of the blankets that I threw on top of a pile of bags. It was like her little way of willing me to stay. It was so cute that I took a picture.

I miss the structure of my life, no matter how miserable that structure made me. I miss going home at the end of the day to 2 yapping dogs and one that knocked me down. I miss opening the fridge and freezer and being frustrated about not knowing what to make for dinner. I honestly even miss just plopping down on my couch in my house and turning on my tv for a few minutes. It's all small stuff, but stuff that made me a little bit sad last night for some reason. Probably because Aunt Flo is on her ugly little way, but I just felt so sentimental and honestly, lonely.

I'm afraid of being alone. But what's funny is that I kinda feel liberated about being alone also. Weird.

Afraid...but of what?

I'm afraid of a lot of things. The silliest of most of them, the dark. But I'd prefer not to explain how I have to skip up 2 steps at a time when I'm home by myself simply because I know nothing is behind me trying to get me, but just in case...

Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.

I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.

I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.

I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).

I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.

I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.

I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.

I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.

So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.

Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....

Another date night...

We had another spur-the-moment date night last night. He actually wanted me to go get drinks with his coworkers and by the middle of the day, I fully intended to. However, in my job, you never know what can come next. And from 1:00 until 7:20, I didn't have a single chance to sit down or catch my breath. So by the time I called him at 7:20, he had already headed home. But he insisted on coming back over to go do dinner. Which was fine, cause we went to La Pizzeria (yum!). I told him I had Grant's truck because Halley and Grant took my car to a wedding. So he asked me where the wedding was, when I told him St. Louis, he was not happy. I knew he wouldn't be. But I also know it's my sister and my car and I decided to let her take it because she need a reliable vehicle to get down there.

Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.

The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.

Me so sleepy....

Yesterday I went to Cedar Point with some current coworkers and people that used to work here. It was fun meeting a few new people and definitely a great time riding the rides. I'm a roller coaster junky! I seriously can't get enough of them. I'm definitely the person that will and has stood in line for 3+ hours for a single ride. I'm seriously exhausted today because of it though. And my neck seriously hurts too. I think I hurt it on Magnum. :( Oh well, the price we pay for fun...haha!

So Sunday Ryan and I had another "date". We went to see The Dark Knight (so amazing, by the way!) and then to dinner at Roadhouse. Again, there was some awkwardness. He tells me I'm being too quiet but he doesn't say anything either. We actually met at the house, which I didn't want to do, but he wanted to. So I gave in and met him there. I just wasn't ready to be in there again. And I wish I wouldn't have because my neighbor saw me coming and then leaving again later. I'm sure they are curious what is going on. But I'm always the one that talks to them and not Ryan so I'm sure they are only speculating at this point. Not like it really matters, it's just something that came to my mind. Anyhow - back to my point....So when we got back to the house after dinner I went in for a little while to play with Zoey and we talked some. Ryan asked where I stand right now and I told him I honestly don't know what my future is looking like. I told him that if he made me choose right now, I wouldn't come back. I'm not trying to hurt him or crush his hope in this whole thing, I'm just trying to be as honest about my feelings as possible.

He asked me what he should be doing right now, and while I understand that he doesn't really know what to do, I get frustrated telling him so many times that I don't have a list of things for him to do. I tried telling him before what to do or not to do in order not to lose me and he clearly didn't listen or care then, so why would I even waste my time on trying to figure out what he should or shouldn't do right now?

He told me he feels frustrated because he wants to show me how he's changed and how he is changing but he doesn't know how when we only talk on the phone during the week and don't see each other very much on the weekend. I don't know, I guess I get that but I just don't seem to care about giving him all the opportunities to show me that. I feel like I'm being a total bitch sometimes to him. Like when I left on Sunday, he was crying genuine tears. But I couldn't muster up a single sniffle. I don't want to hurt him, I honestly love him and will always love him. I'm just not in love with him and I just can't find any respect for him in me at all.

Lucky you...

You are lucky because you get two installments of me today :) I had my therapy appointment today and let me just say that I love that woman. I really do. She's everything I say to myself in my head but she's a licensed professional saying it out loud to me. She makes me know that my thoughts and feelings are validated. I have amazing friends and family that tell me this stuff all the time (and it's so great they do because I need some things pounded in my head) but for some reason, when Melinda tells me, I listen more closely. Weird, I know. And I feel a little guilty for even feeling that because you girls that read this are such a strength to me that I don't want you to feel discounted.

I know that it's ok that only 10% of me wants to be with Ryan right now and 90% of me wants to end this right now and start fresh with that part of my life. I have a lot of realizations in theses sessions (which is good otherwise it's just a damn waste of money!). One of them today is that I'm not sure if I want Ryan to change to make this work. I don't want to change, I liked who I was before we got married and I liked where my life was headed. In fact, I have changed and I want to change back in some ways. So why would I want to be with someone if it means they have to change? Granted, Ryan's attitude needs to change. Because regardless of whom he ends up with in life (wife, friends, family, etc), he can't treat them the way he has been treating people and think it's ok. But that's not even the kind of change I'm talking about. If he really does want to be married to someone that is ok with the life she is living at that moment and ok with spending more time at home with him and ok with not seeing her family as much as I want to see mine - then why would I try to mold him into someone different?

Don't get me wrong, part of me wants to make this work just to show the people that said we were too young to get married in the first place they were wrong. But I don't think this is an age thing. I think that Ryan and I are much better at a long distance relationship with one another than we are a marriage. That sounds funny to some people, but Sunday's happenings only confirmed that for me. I'm a big body language reader. Part of that is because I'm in sales and body language says a lot more about what people are thinking or feeling than their actual words do. And it bothers Ryan a lot of what I can read on his body language. He's a much better talker over the phone because he thinks that what he says means more than what he shows. I've agreed to disagree on that one. But I certainly can't have all of my meaningful conversations with him when he's on the road for work and simply go through every day life when he's home. I need more than that.

Another thing is that I would kill to have him be proud of me. I work my ass off every single day of my life. I do everything all or nothing. And to give my all and get nothing, is a heartbreaking thing. He told me last Wednesday that he can't do this. He can't sit around and wait for me to decide what I want. But either he is going to have to, or he is making my decision easier for me. I'm not ready for more. I'm not ready to be back in that house with him and working on things there. I'm not going to be for at least a month or more. And if he can't wait for that, then I'm sorry he can't but I can't rush this.

And I'm finally ok with that. I'm finally ok with setting the timeline. I'm finally ok with him sweating it out. I'm finally ok with being the one that thinks of me first. With being ok with all of that - I'm also finally ok with me.

I'm a good fucking catch. I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I'm funny sometimes and I'm a pretty positive person. I don't believe those things all the time, but for me to realize them even half-assed right now, shows that I did the right thing for me. And honestly, I did the right thing for him. He was headed down a very destructive and dark path and someone had to tell him to straighten up.

(I'm not a very good tooter of my own horn, so please don't take this as me being an egotistical bitch. I just need to remind myself sometimes that I'm really not a bad person)

Change of pace

So I've been tagged by 2 girls now and I think it's super sweet that they think of me :) I am going to break the rules a little bit though and not link people in my tags. The only people that know about this blog and have access to it are my girls on the NEONesties board simply because there are things in here I'd rather not have certain people come across. So without further ado:

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

My Random Facts:

1. I'm a picker. I have this scab on my scalp that I've had ever since 7th grade and I've never let it heal. I hit it on my top locker and it gave me this nice deep scab. Ever since then, I've picked it. My mom and hair dresser both know about it and yell at me all the time for picking it, but it's become a habit more than anything. It's really gross, but it's really soothing to me.

2. I hate to brag, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm only 24 and I have so many things wrong with my physically that I've learned to block out quite a bit of pain. My back for example: I have had a herniated disc since I was 15 and the pain can be almost unbearable sometimes, but I've just learned to channel my thoughts elsewhere in order to block it out of my mind.

3. I dance, talk, sing, smile, and pose in front of my mirror on a daily basis. For some reason I feel I kind of look my best about 11:30/12:00 at night when I'm getting ready for bed and finding stuff to wear for the next day or even the rest of the week. I play with my hair style and have even been known to try different makeup ideas. I think I have a magic mirror though because I never look the same in any other mirror. Damnit.

4. I have a horrible confession for this one: My mom's side of the family is my favorite. It's not that I don't love my dad's side. Because I love them more than anything, but I'd much rather spend any holiday and any free time with my mom's side. My cousin, Nicki, is one of my best friends of all time and she is on my mom's side. And I'm just closer and more like my cousins on that side overall. It's something I actually feel pretty guilty about, but I think I do a decent job hiding it.

5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. This links a little bit back to #4 but it is tradition in my family that after we have our big meal (usually around lunch time for us) we take the newspaper and spread out all the ads for the next day and go through them one by one and set up a game plan of who is going where and who is getting what for whom. For a few years we would all go out in our seperate directions and be in line for certain stores when they opened then we would all meet somewhere for lunch (Friendly's was a usual) and give the other people what we bought for them and just go over our day. Those are some of my favorite all-time memories

6. I've always wanted to live in a big city. Like Chicago or New York are my biggest contenders. And I'm not sure sure my wishes are that far out of reach. I've had some really amazing things happening in my life in the past few months and I think I've realized the only person that can really hold me back is myself. It sounds very cliche and fortune cookie-ish but it's true. The job I'm in now is the beginning of my dream career. Granted, it's not the end-all of my destination, but it certainly made me realize that the person in my life that told me that dream was stupid, was completely wrong. It's not a stupid dream, and it's not impossible for me to be what I want.

Dates

So Ryan and I went on 2 dates this weekend.

Friday was my turn to decide what we wanted to do and we went to dinner at Hibachi Japan. The spicy tuna roll was delicious, the filet was cooked perfectly, and the pineapple sherbet to follow it all up was scrumptious. The conversation you ask? Horrible. It was honestly like when you were dating someone and then broke up and decided to be friends and try to go out casually but there is that serious awkwardness cause there is the history and there is so much going on that you just can't look beyond it. I'm not saying I want to completely start over, but I just don't know how to react to everything. He was very much a gentleman and very much the way I wanted him to be again for so long. He grabbed my hand to hold it while we were walking and put his arm around me while we were waiting for our table and was overall very sweet. But I found myself pulling away from it all. It's too much too fast and I just don't feel it right now. When we got back to his car (we met somewhere and I drove since it was my date) and he went to get out he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him, but he clearly wanted more. I told him no and he asked why. I told him I'm just not ready and I could tell that he was disappointed. I'll explain more on that in a minute...

Sunday we went to the Akron Zoo (his date) and then walked around the mall in the Falls (I don't remember what it's called) and then we went to Starbucks. The zoo was fun. I always have a good time there. The weather was nice. Ryan was doing the hand holding thing again. The mall was awkward, I don't really know why we went other than the fact that he wanted to extend the time (can't blame the guy for trying) and then Starbucks was horrible. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything. I tried to start conversations and he'd just give me short answers. It was weird.

So then we parted ways and I headed to Grandpa's for our traditional Sunday get togethers. I missed 3 calls from Ryan in the short time I was there. When I called him back he wanted to talk. Honestly, I was kinda pissed and annoyed by it. I just spent about 7 hours with him and now he wants to talk??

I'm just numb. Who knows what I want right now. I go to the therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can set my head a little straighter than it is now.

Let's talk about sex baby

Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.

Now, a girl has needs. I don't think anyone can deny that regardless of your libido levels. But this girl has serious needs. I have a pretty healthy drive and let me just say if it weren't for my friend Daddy (from the Nati), I'd be going insane right now. Seriously.

I know some people that have sex through all this hooplah. But I just can't do it. To me, there is so much emotion to having sex with Ryan and I think that would clearly be sending horrible mixed signals to both of us.

So for now, I'm going to enjoy the small bits of time I can find and allow my rubberized pleasure stick do the best he can.

Oh, have a mentioned I live at my parent's house? Cause if I haven't, allow me to mention the awkwardness.

One down

We had our first counseling appointment tonight. It went pretty well I think. We were both pretty open about our thoughts and feelings and were both calm about the whole thing. Our assignment is as follows: Write down 5 small things the other person does that makes you feel loved and have a date night on Friday and on Sunday. So we'll see where that takes us.

Quite honestly, I didn't feel a big rush of emotion when I saw him tonight like I thought I might. I was really nervous all day about seeing him and I was really nervous about how tonight would go, but I didn't get excited or angry or anything when I saw him. Maybe I anticipated too much about it.

I have an appointment by myself next week and then we have a joint appointment the week after. Ryan is going to be making an individual appointment by himself as well. She said she thinks there is a pretty good possibility things can and will work. I think she had a hard time reading me tonight, which I understand cause I was having a hard time reading myself.

She asked what I wanted to get out of this, what my ultimate goal is. And I was completely honest that I'm worried that things got too bad to get good (I hate how I say that, but I have no better way of saying it).

So I really don't feel enlightened whatsoever (and yes, I knew it would take more than just one session) and quite honestly, I feel a little more cloudy at this point.

Patience.........

Living at home...

So let me just tell you what it's like living with your parents again 6 years after you've moved out. Actually I can sum it up in 3 words:

It's not easy.

I have amazing parents that were willing to drop everything and get me out of a situation that was not good for me. My mom was willing to give up her scrapbook room (my old bedroom) and my dad was willing to help me load up the basement he recently reclaimed. However, it's awkward.

I'm 24 and used to living on my own and running my own household. I'm used to setting my schedule and not really worrying about who I was inconveniencing. Now I have to plan everything around everyone. Including my showers in the morning. To make matters worse, I have 2 dogs living there. Now, my dogs are used to being in their crates a decent amount of the day (I've never claimed to be a good mom) because both Ryan and I worked full time jobs outside of the home. My dogs have quickly gotten used to 5 people coming and going in the house and them being in their crates less than 2 hours a day on average. The hard thing for me, is that I feel guilty like someone is constantly having to watch them.

It's just not easy. I'm a relatively social person and I have dinner or drinks out with friends quite a few nights of the week. My dad does this weird thing the other day and tells me he thinks Ryan has hired a private investigator. What?! Seriously, Dad? Now, I know Ryan is crazy sometimes. But honestly. So Dad tells me he doesn't want me going out with anyone at all, male or female. I, as politely as possible, told him that I'm not going to put my life on complete pause and risk losing all of my friends as well. Granted, he realized later he was just being paranoid and goofy with his thinking, but still!

Anyhow, I guess I just needed to say that it's not easy. I love my parents more than anything and would literally die for them, but moving back home is not the most pleasant experience possible.

Things to remember

Throughout this tough time, I've become amazing friends with a few people I really wasn't expecting to. It's been an extremely pleasant surprise and they are definitely relationships I'd love to keep for a very long time. I was confiding in someone this morning about an email Ryan sent me and just dumping my thoughts and feelings on her and this is something she sent back. I wanted to put it here so I can go back and look at it often. It really means a lot to me.

I can't tell you how much both *** and I have changed in the time we've been together, but it didn't happen during the good times--it happened when we were both up front with each other about it. That's why I urge you to lay it out on the table, take all of the time that you need to understand how this all happened and really identify the issues and how you both fit into it. Even if you don't end up staying together, those will be very valuable lessons to carry forward, because as you know we're attracted to a particular type of person and it's so easy to fall into the same ruts if you don't learn something.