The hardest part that I'm having to come to terms with is actually rather surprising to me. It's explaining to people and me having to be ok with them not being ok with it. Follow that? I didn't think so, I'll give an example.
I was talking to an aquaintance (not really a friend, not really just a random person) who knows a little bit about what I've been going through. She was asking me questions about where I am with things and how things have been going. Now, being a normal person she told me that she hopes we can work things out. She made a comment about how if I once loved him enough to work so hard for our relationship and loved him enough to marry him, it has to be somewhere inside me to want to get back. To me, it seemed like a sweet naive comment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't annoyed, I was actually kind of glad she said that.
The thing is, no one really knows what I'm going through. I can explain my every thought and feeling and action to someone constantly throughout my entire day, but I don't think they'll ever actually understand how it really feels. How much it really hurts and how much it really just sucks. They'll also never understand how relieved I feel about things and how I'm feeling more on track of where I want my life to be right now that I have in the past year.
Some people get a lot more of it than I think they do. Like the other day my cousin/best friend said "I'm just glad Becky is back" That comment made me so happy. She knows more about me than anyone on this planet and I'm so glad to hear her know this is me.
On a side note - I was reading over some of my answers to the questions below, and I realized how open and honest I was in them. I didn't think I was being that open in them (I probably wouldn't have posted them anywhere on the internet if I would have even thought about it first) but I'm so glad I was. I think it really shows another milestone in where I am right now. I'm ok with having certain feelings and sharing them.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Homework
We got some homework reading assignments for our counseling. One of them was excerpt from the book "Too Bad to Stay but Too Good to Leave" and there were 10 questions on there to answer. Here is what I got for them:
1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.
2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.
3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.
4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.
5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.
6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.
7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.
8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.
9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.
10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.
1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.
2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.
3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.
4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.
5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.
6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.
7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.
8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.
9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.
10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.
Sentimental
So last night I cried. It's been the first time that I've cried on my own about this whole thing for about 2 weeks. I happened to be looking through the pictures on my phone and it made me miss a lot of things about how they used to be. When I was packing to move out I took a minute to get a shower. When I came out, I found Zoey laying on top of one of the blankets that I threw on top of a pile of bags. It was like her little way of willing me to stay. It was so cute that I took a picture.
I miss the structure of my life, no matter how miserable that structure made me. I miss going home at the end of the day to 2 yapping dogs and one that knocked me down. I miss opening the fridge and freezer and being frustrated about not knowing what to make for dinner. I honestly even miss just plopping down on my couch in my house and turning on my tv for a few minutes. It's all small stuff, but stuff that made me a little bit sad last night for some reason. Probably because Aunt Flo is on her ugly little way, but I just felt so sentimental and honestly, lonely.
I'm afraid of being alone. But what's funny is that I kinda feel liberated about being alone also. Weird.
I miss the structure of my life, no matter how miserable that structure made me. I miss going home at the end of the day to 2 yapping dogs and one that knocked me down. I miss opening the fridge and freezer and being frustrated about not knowing what to make for dinner. I honestly even miss just plopping down on my couch in my house and turning on my tv for a few minutes. It's all small stuff, but stuff that made me a little bit sad last night for some reason. Probably because Aunt Flo is on her ugly little way, but I just felt so sentimental and honestly, lonely.
I'm afraid of being alone. But what's funny is that I kinda feel liberated about being alone also. Weird.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Afraid...but of what?
I'm afraid of a lot of things. The silliest of most of them, the dark. But I'd prefer not to explain how I have to skip up 2 steps at a time when I'm home by myself simply because I know nothing is behind me trying to get me, but just in case...
Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.
I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.
I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.
I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).
I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.
I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.
I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.
I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.
So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.
Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....
Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.
I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.
I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.
I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).
I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.
I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.
I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.
I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.
So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.
Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Another date night...
We had another spur-the-moment date night last night. He actually wanted me to go get drinks with his coworkers and by the middle of the day, I fully intended to. However, in my job, you never know what can come next. And from 1:00 until 7:20, I didn't have a single chance to sit down or catch my breath. So by the time I called him at 7:20, he had already headed home. But he insisted on coming back over to go do dinner. Which was fine, cause we went to La Pizzeria (yum!). I told him I had Grant's truck because Halley and Grant took my car to a wedding. So he asked me where the wedding was, when I told him St. Louis, he was not happy. I knew he wouldn't be. But I also know it's my sister and my car and I decided to let her take it because she need a reliable vehicle to get down there.
Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.
The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.
Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.
The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Me so sleepy....
Yesterday I went to Cedar Point with some current coworkers and people that used to work here. It was fun meeting a few new people and definitely a great time riding the rides. I'm a roller coaster junky! I seriously can't get enough of them. I'm definitely the person that will and has stood in line for 3+ hours for a single ride. I'm seriously exhausted today because of it though. And my neck seriously hurts too. I think I hurt it on Magnum. :( Oh well, the price we pay for fun...haha!
So Sunday Ryan and I had another "date". We went to see The Dark Knight (so amazing, by the way!) and then to dinner at Roadhouse. Again, there was some awkwardness. He tells me I'm being too quiet but he doesn't say anything either. We actually met at the house, which I didn't want to do, but he wanted to. So I gave in and met him there. I just wasn't ready to be in there again. And I wish I wouldn't have because my neighbor saw me coming and then leaving again later. I'm sure they are curious what is going on. But I'm always the one that talks to them and not Ryan so I'm sure they are only speculating at this point. Not like it really matters, it's just something that came to my mind. Anyhow - back to my point....So when we got back to the house after dinner I went in for a little while to play with Zoey and we talked some. Ryan asked where I stand right now and I told him I honestly don't know what my future is looking like. I told him that if he made me choose right now, I wouldn't come back. I'm not trying to hurt him or crush his hope in this whole thing, I'm just trying to be as honest about my feelings as possible.
He asked me what he should be doing right now, and while I understand that he doesn't really know what to do, I get frustrated telling him so many times that I don't have a list of things for him to do. I tried telling him before what to do or not to do in order not to lose me and he clearly didn't listen or care then, so why would I even waste my time on trying to figure out what he should or shouldn't do right now?
He told me he feels frustrated because he wants to show me how he's changed and how he is changing but he doesn't know how when we only talk on the phone during the week and don't see each other very much on the weekend. I don't know, I guess I get that but I just don't seem to care about giving him all the opportunities to show me that. I feel like I'm being a total bitch sometimes to him. Like when I left on Sunday, he was crying genuine tears. But I couldn't muster up a single sniffle. I don't want to hurt him, I honestly love him and will always love him. I'm just not in love with him and I just can't find any respect for him in me at all.
So Sunday Ryan and I had another "date". We went to see The Dark Knight (so amazing, by the way!) and then to dinner at Roadhouse. Again, there was some awkwardness. He tells me I'm being too quiet but he doesn't say anything either. We actually met at the house, which I didn't want to do, but he wanted to. So I gave in and met him there. I just wasn't ready to be in there again. And I wish I wouldn't have because my neighbor saw me coming and then leaving again later. I'm sure they are curious what is going on. But I'm always the one that talks to them and not Ryan so I'm sure they are only speculating at this point. Not like it really matters, it's just something that came to my mind. Anyhow - back to my point....So when we got back to the house after dinner I went in for a little while to play with Zoey and we talked some. Ryan asked where I stand right now and I told him I honestly don't know what my future is looking like. I told him that if he made me choose right now, I wouldn't come back. I'm not trying to hurt him or crush his hope in this whole thing, I'm just trying to be as honest about my feelings as possible.
He asked me what he should be doing right now, and while I understand that he doesn't really know what to do, I get frustrated telling him so many times that I don't have a list of things for him to do. I tried telling him before what to do or not to do in order not to lose me and he clearly didn't listen or care then, so why would I even waste my time on trying to figure out what he should or shouldn't do right now?
He told me he feels frustrated because he wants to show me how he's changed and how he is changing but he doesn't know how when we only talk on the phone during the week and don't see each other very much on the weekend. I don't know, I guess I get that but I just don't seem to care about giving him all the opportunities to show me that. I feel like I'm being a total bitch sometimes to him. Like when I left on Sunday, he was crying genuine tears. But I couldn't muster up a single sniffle. I don't want to hurt him, I honestly love him and will always love him. I'm just not in love with him and I just can't find any respect for him in me at all.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Lucky you...
You are lucky because you get two installments of me today :) I had my therapy appointment today and let me just say that I love that woman. I really do. She's everything I say to myself in my head but she's a licensed professional saying it out loud to me. She makes me know that my thoughts and feelings are validated. I have amazing friends and family that tell me this stuff all the time (and it's so great they do because I need some things pounded in my head) but for some reason, when Melinda tells me, I listen more closely. Weird, I know. And I feel a little guilty for even feeling that because you girls that read this are such a strength to me that I don't want you to feel discounted.
I know that it's ok that only 10% of me wants to be with Ryan right now and 90% of me wants to end this right now and start fresh with that part of my life. I have a lot of realizations in theses sessions (which is good otherwise it's just a damn waste of money!). One of them today is that I'm not sure if I want Ryan to change to make this work. I don't want to change, I liked who I was before we got married and I liked where my life was headed. In fact, I have changed and I want to change back in some ways. So why would I want to be with someone if it means they have to change? Granted, Ryan's attitude needs to change. Because regardless of whom he ends up with in life (wife, friends, family, etc), he can't treat them the way he has been treating people and think it's ok. But that's not even the kind of change I'm talking about. If he really does want to be married to someone that is ok with the life she is living at that moment and ok with spending more time at home with him and ok with not seeing her family as much as I want to see mine - then why would I try to mold him into someone different?
Don't get me wrong, part of me wants to make this work just to show the people that said we were too young to get married in the first place they were wrong. But I don't think this is an age thing. I think that Ryan and I are much better at a long distance relationship with one another than we are a marriage. That sounds funny to some people, but Sunday's happenings only confirmed that for me. I'm a big body language reader. Part of that is because I'm in sales and body language says a lot more about what people are thinking or feeling than their actual words do. And it bothers Ryan a lot of what I can read on his body language. He's a much better talker over the phone because he thinks that what he says means more than what he shows. I've agreed to disagree on that one. But I certainly can't have all of my meaningful conversations with him when he's on the road for work and simply go through every day life when he's home. I need more than that.
Another thing is that I would kill to have him be proud of me. I work my ass off every single day of my life. I do everything all or nothing. And to give my all and get nothing, is a heartbreaking thing. He told me last Wednesday that he can't do this. He can't sit around and wait for me to decide what I want. But either he is going to have to, or he is making my decision easier for me. I'm not ready for more. I'm not ready to be back in that house with him and working on things there. I'm not going to be for at least a month or more. And if he can't wait for that, then I'm sorry he can't but I can't rush this.
And I'm finally ok with that. I'm finally ok with setting the timeline. I'm finally ok with him sweating it out. I'm finally ok with being the one that thinks of me first. With being ok with all of that - I'm also finally ok with me.
I'm a good fucking catch. I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I'm funny sometimes and I'm a pretty positive person. I don't believe those things all the time, but for me to realize them even half-assed right now, shows that I did the right thing for me. And honestly, I did the right thing for him. He was headed down a very destructive and dark path and someone had to tell him to straighten up.
(I'm not a very good tooter of my own horn, so please don't take this as me being an egotistical bitch. I just need to remind myself sometimes that I'm really not a bad person)
I know that it's ok that only 10% of me wants to be with Ryan right now and 90% of me wants to end this right now and start fresh with that part of my life. I have a lot of realizations in theses sessions (which is good otherwise it's just a damn waste of money!). One of them today is that I'm not sure if I want Ryan to change to make this work. I don't want to change, I liked who I was before we got married and I liked where my life was headed. In fact, I have changed and I want to change back in some ways. So why would I want to be with someone if it means they have to change? Granted, Ryan's attitude needs to change. Because regardless of whom he ends up with in life (wife, friends, family, etc), he can't treat them the way he has been treating people and think it's ok. But that's not even the kind of change I'm talking about. If he really does want to be married to someone that is ok with the life she is living at that moment and ok with spending more time at home with him and ok with not seeing her family as much as I want to see mine - then why would I try to mold him into someone different?
Don't get me wrong, part of me wants to make this work just to show the people that said we were too young to get married in the first place they were wrong. But I don't think this is an age thing. I think that Ryan and I are much better at a long distance relationship with one another than we are a marriage. That sounds funny to some people, but Sunday's happenings only confirmed that for me. I'm a big body language reader. Part of that is because I'm in sales and body language says a lot more about what people are thinking or feeling than their actual words do. And it bothers Ryan a lot of what I can read on his body language. He's a much better talker over the phone because he thinks that what he says means more than what he shows. I've agreed to disagree on that one. But I certainly can't have all of my meaningful conversations with him when he's on the road for work and simply go through every day life when he's home. I need more than that.
Another thing is that I would kill to have him be proud of me. I work my ass off every single day of my life. I do everything all or nothing. And to give my all and get nothing, is a heartbreaking thing. He told me last Wednesday that he can't do this. He can't sit around and wait for me to decide what I want. But either he is going to have to, or he is making my decision easier for me. I'm not ready for more. I'm not ready to be back in that house with him and working on things there. I'm not going to be for at least a month or more. And if he can't wait for that, then I'm sorry he can't but I can't rush this.
And I'm finally ok with that. I'm finally ok with setting the timeline. I'm finally ok with him sweating it out. I'm finally ok with being the one that thinks of me first. With being ok with all of that - I'm also finally ok with me.
I'm a good fucking catch. I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I'm funny sometimes and I'm a pretty positive person. I don't believe those things all the time, but for me to realize them even half-assed right now, shows that I did the right thing for me. And honestly, I did the right thing for him. He was headed down a very destructive and dark path and someone had to tell him to straighten up.
(I'm not a very good tooter of my own horn, so please don't take this as me being an egotistical bitch. I just need to remind myself sometimes that I'm really not a bad person)
Change of pace
So I've been tagged by 2 girls now and I think it's super sweet that they think of me :) I am going to break the rules a little bit though and not link people in my tags. The only people that know about this blog and have access to it are my girls on the NEONesties board simply because there are things in here I'd rather not have certain people come across. So without further ado:
Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.
My Random Facts:
1. I'm a picker. I have this scab on my scalp that I've had ever since 7th grade and I've never let it heal. I hit it on my top locker and it gave me this nice deep scab. Ever since then, I've picked it. My mom and hair dresser both know about it and yell at me all the time for picking it, but it's become a habit more than anything. It's really gross, but it's really soothing to me.
2. I hate to brag, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm only 24 and I have so many things wrong with my physically that I've learned to block out quite a bit of pain. My back for example: I have had a herniated disc since I was 15 and the pain can be almost unbearable sometimes, but I've just learned to channel my thoughts elsewhere in order to block it out of my mind.
3. I dance, talk, sing, smile, and pose in front of my mirror on a daily basis. For some reason I feel I kind of look my best about 11:30/12:00 at night when I'm getting ready for bed and finding stuff to wear for the next day or even the rest of the week. I play with my hair style and have even been known to try different makeup ideas. I think I have a magic mirror though because I never look the same in any other mirror. Damnit.
4. I have a horrible confession for this one: My mom's side of the family is my favorite. It's not that I don't love my dad's side. Because I love them more than anything, but I'd much rather spend any holiday and any free time with my mom's side. My cousin, Nicki, is one of my best friends of all time and she is on my mom's side. And I'm just closer and more like my cousins on that side overall. It's something I actually feel pretty guilty about, but I think I do a decent job hiding it.
5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. This links a little bit back to #4 but it is tradition in my family that after we have our big meal (usually around lunch time for us) we take the newspaper and spread out all the ads for the next day and go through them one by one and set up a game plan of who is going where and who is getting what for whom. For a few years we would all go out in our seperate directions and be in line for certain stores when they opened then we would all meet somewhere for lunch (Friendly's was a usual) and give the other people what we bought for them and just go over our day. Those are some of my favorite all-time memories
6. I've always wanted to live in a big city. Like Chicago or New York are my biggest contenders. And I'm not sure sure my wishes are that far out of reach. I've had some really amazing things happening in my life in the past few months and I think I've realized the only person that can really hold me back is myself. It sounds very cliche and fortune cookie-ish but it's true. The job I'm in now is the beginning of my dream career. Granted, it's not the end-all of my destination, but it certainly made me realize that the person in my life that told me that dream was stupid, was completely wrong. It's not a stupid dream, and it's not impossible for me to be what I want.
Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.
My Random Facts:
1. I'm a picker. I have this scab on my scalp that I've had ever since 7th grade and I've never let it heal. I hit it on my top locker and it gave me this nice deep scab. Ever since then, I've picked it. My mom and hair dresser both know about it and yell at me all the time for picking it, but it's become a habit more than anything. It's really gross, but it's really soothing to me.
2. I hate to brag, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm only 24 and I have so many things wrong with my physically that I've learned to block out quite a bit of pain. My back for example: I have had a herniated disc since I was 15 and the pain can be almost unbearable sometimes, but I've just learned to channel my thoughts elsewhere in order to block it out of my mind.
3. I dance, talk, sing, smile, and pose in front of my mirror on a daily basis. For some reason I feel I kind of look my best about 11:30/12:00 at night when I'm getting ready for bed and finding stuff to wear for the next day or even the rest of the week. I play with my hair style and have even been known to try different makeup ideas. I think I have a magic mirror though because I never look the same in any other mirror. Damnit.
4. I have a horrible confession for this one: My mom's side of the family is my favorite. It's not that I don't love my dad's side. Because I love them more than anything, but I'd much rather spend any holiday and any free time with my mom's side. My cousin, Nicki, is one of my best friends of all time and she is on my mom's side. And I'm just closer and more like my cousins on that side overall. It's something I actually feel pretty guilty about, but I think I do a decent job hiding it.
5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. This links a little bit back to #4 but it is tradition in my family that after we have our big meal (usually around lunch time for us) we take the newspaper and spread out all the ads for the next day and go through them one by one and set up a game plan of who is going where and who is getting what for whom. For a few years we would all go out in our seperate directions and be in line for certain stores when they opened then we would all meet somewhere for lunch (Friendly's was a usual) and give the other people what we bought for them and just go over our day. Those are some of my favorite all-time memories
6. I've always wanted to live in a big city. Like Chicago or New York are my biggest contenders. And I'm not sure sure my wishes are that far out of reach. I've had some really amazing things happening in my life in the past few months and I think I've realized the only person that can really hold me back is myself. It sounds very cliche and fortune cookie-ish but it's true. The job I'm in now is the beginning of my dream career. Granted, it's not the end-all of my destination, but it certainly made me realize that the person in my life that told me that dream was stupid, was completely wrong. It's not a stupid dream, and it's not impossible for me to be what I want.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Dates
So Ryan and I went on 2 dates this weekend.
Friday was my turn to decide what we wanted to do and we went to dinner at Hibachi Japan. The spicy tuna roll was delicious, the filet was cooked perfectly, and the pineapple sherbet to follow it all up was scrumptious. The conversation you ask? Horrible. It was honestly like when you were dating someone and then broke up and decided to be friends and try to go out casually but there is that serious awkwardness cause there is the history and there is so much going on that you just can't look beyond it. I'm not saying I want to completely start over, but I just don't know how to react to everything. He was very much a gentleman and very much the way I wanted him to be again for so long. He grabbed my hand to hold it while we were walking and put his arm around me while we were waiting for our table and was overall very sweet. But I found myself pulling away from it all. It's too much too fast and I just don't feel it right now. When we got back to his car (we met somewhere and I drove since it was my date) and he went to get out he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him, but he clearly wanted more. I told him no and he asked why. I told him I'm just not ready and I could tell that he was disappointed. I'll explain more on that in a minute...
Sunday we went to the Akron Zoo (his date) and then walked around the mall in the Falls (I don't remember what it's called) and then we went to Starbucks. The zoo was fun. I always have a good time there. The weather was nice. Ryan was doing the hand holding thing again. The mall was awkward, I don't really know why we went other than the fact that he wanted to extend the time (can't blame the guy for trying) and then Starbucks was horrible. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything. I tried to start conversations and he'd just give me short answers. It was weird.
So then we parted ways and I headed to Grandpa's for our traditional Sunday get togethers. I missed 3 calls from Ryan in the short time I was there. When I called him back he wanted to talk. Honestly, I was kinda pissed and annoyed by it. I just spent about 7 hours with him and now he wants to talk??
I'm just numb. Who knows what I want right now. I go to the therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can set my head a little straighter than it is now.
Friday was my turn to decide what we wanted to do and we went to dinner at Hibachi Japan. The spicy tuna roll was delicious, the filet was cooked perfectly, and the pineapple sherbet to follow it all up was scrumptious. The conversation you ask? Horrible. It was honestly like when you were dating someone and then broke up and decided to be friends and try to go out casually but there is that serious awkwardness cause there is the history and there is so much going on that you just can't look beyond it. I'm not saying I want to completely start over, but I just don't know how to react to everything. He was very much a gentleman and very much the way I wanted him to be again for so long. He grabbed my hand to hold it while we were walking and put his arm around me while we were waiting for our table and was overall very sweet. But I found myself pulling away from it all. It's too much too fast and I just don't feel it right now. When we got back to his car (we met somewhere and I drove since it was my date) and he went to get out he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him, but he clearly wanted more. I told him no and he asked why. I told him I'm just not ready and I could tell that he was disappointed. I'll explain more on that in a minute...
Sunday we went to the Akron Zoo (his date) and then walked around the mall in the Falls (I don't remember what it's called) and then we went to Starbucks. The zoo was fun. I always have a good time there. The weather was nice. Ryan was doing the hand holding thing again. The mall was awkward, I don't really know why we went other than the fact that he wanted to extend the time (can't blame the guy for trying) and then Starbucks was horrible. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything. I tried to start conversations and he'd just give me short answers. It was weird.
So then we parted ways and I headed to Grandpa's for our traditional Sunday get togethers. I missed 3 calls from Ryan in the short time I was there. When I called him back he wanted to talk. Honestly, I was kinda pissed and annoyed by it. I just spent about 7 hours with him and now he wants to talk??
I'm just numb. Who knows what I want right now. I go to the therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can set my head a little straighter than it is now.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Let's talk about sex baby
Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.
Now, a girl has needs. I don't think anyone can deny that regardless of your libido levels. But this girl has serious needs. I have a pretty healthy drive and let me just say if it weren't for my friend Daddy (from the Nati), I'd be going insane right now. Seriously.
I know some people that have sex through all this hooplah. But I just can't do it. To me, there is so much emotion to having sex with Ryan and I think that would clearly be sending horrible mixed signals to both of us.
So for now, I'm going to enjoy the small bits of time I can find and allow my rubberized pleasure stick do the best he can.
Oh, have a mentioned I live at my parent's house? Cause if I haven't, allow me to mention the awkwardness.
Now, a girl has needs. I don't think anyone can deny that regardless of your libido levels. But this girl has serious needs. I have a pretty healthy drive and let me just say if it weren't for my friend Daddy (from the Nati), I'd be going insane right now. Seriously.
I know some people that have sex through all this hooplah. But I just can't do it. To me, there is so much emotion to having sex with Ryan and I think that would clearly be sending horrible mixed signals to both of us.
So for now, I'm going to enjoy the small bits of time I can find and allow my rubberized pleasure stick do the best he can.
Oh, have a mentioned I live at my parent's house? Cause if I haven't, allow me to mention the awkwardness.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
One down
We had our first counseling appointment tonight. It went pretty well I think. We were both pretty open about our thoughts and feelings and were both calm about the whole thing. Our assignment is as follows: Write down 5 small things the other person does that makes you feel loved and have a date night on Friday and on Sunday. So we'll see where that takes us.
Quite honestly, I didn't feel a big rush of emotion when I saw him tonight like I thought I might. I was really nervous all day about seeing him and I was really nervous about how tonight would go, but I didn't get excited or angry or anything when I saw him. Maybe I anticipated too much about it.
I have an appointment by myself next week and then we have a joint appointment the week after. Ryan is going to be making an individual appointment by himself as well. She said she thinks there is a pretty good possibility things can and will work. I think she had a hard time reading me tonight, which I understand cause I was having a hard time reading myself.
She asked what I wanted to get out of this, what my ultimate goal is. And I was completely honest that I'm worried that things got too bad to get good (I hate how I say that, but I have no better way of saying it).
So I really don't feel enlightened whatsoever (and yes, I knew it would take more than just one session) and quite honestly, I feel a little more cloudy at this point.
Patience.........
Quite honestly, I didn't feel a big rush of emotion when I saw him tonight like I thought I might. I was really nervous all day about seeing him and I was really nervous about how tonight would go, but I didn't get excited or angry or anything when I saw him. Maybe I anticipated too much about it.
I have an appointment by myself next week and then we have a joint appointment the week after. Ryan is going to be making an individual appointment by himself as well. She said she thinks there is a pretty good possibility things can and will work. I think she had a hard time reading me tonight, which I understand cause I was having a hard time reading myself.
She asked what I wanted to get out of this, what my ultimate goal is. And I was completely honest that I'm worried that things got too bad to get good (I hate how I say that, but I have no better way of saying it).
So I really don't feel enlightened whatsoever (and yes, I knew it would take more than just one session) and quite honestly, I feel a little more cloudy at this point.
Patience.........
Living at home...
So let me just tell you what it's like living with your parents again 6 years after you've moved out. Actually I can sum it up in 3 words:
It's not easy.
I have amazing parents that were willing to drop everything and get me out of a situation that was not good for me. My mom was willing to give up her scrapbook room (my old bedroom) and my dad was willing to help me load up the basement he recently reclaimed. However, it's awkward.
I'm 24 and used to living on my own and running my own household. I'm used to setting my schedule and not really worrying about who I was inconveniencing. Now I have to plan everything around everyone. Including my showers in the morning. To make matters worse, I have 2 dogs living there. Now, my dogs are used to being in their crates a decent amount of the day (I've never claimed to be a good mom) because both Ryan and I worked full time jobs outside of the home. My dogs have quickly gotten used to 5 people coming and going in the house and them being in their crates less than 2 hours a day on average. The hard thing for me, is that I feel guilty like someone is constantly having to watch them.
It's just not easy. I'm a relatively social person and I have dinner or drinks out with friends quite a few nights of the week. My dad does this weird thing the other day and tells me he thinks Ryan has hired a private investigator. What?! Seriously, Dad? Now, I know Ryan is crazy sometimes. But honestly. So Dad tells me he doesn't want me going out with anyone at all, male or female. I, as politely as possible, told him that I'm not going to put my life on complete pause and risk losing all of my friends as well. Granted, he realized later he was just being paranoid and goofy with his thinking, but still!
Anyhow, I guess I just needed to say that it's not easy. I love my parents more than anything and would literally die for them, but moving back home is not the most pleasant experience possible.
It's not easy.
I have amazing parents that were willing to drop everything and get me out of a situation that was not good for me. My mom was willing to give up her scrapbook room (my old bedroom) and my dad was willing to help me load up the basement he recently reclaimed. However, it's awkward.
I'm 24 and used to living on my own and running my own household. I'm used to setting my schedule and not really worrying about who I was inconveniencing. Now I have to plan everything around everyone. Including my showers in the morning. To make matters worse, I have 2 dogs living there. Now, my dogs are used to being in their crates a decent amount of the day (I've never claimed to be a good mom) because both Ryan and I worked full time jobs outside of the home. My dogs have quickly gotten used to 5 people coming and going in the house and them being in their crates less than 2 hours a day on average. The hard thing for me, is that I feel guilty like someone is constantly having to watch them.
It's just not easy. I'm a relatively social person and I have dinner or drinks out with friends quite a few nights of the week. My dad does this weird thing the other day and tells me he thinks Ryan has hired a private investigator. What?! Seriously, Dad? Now, I know Ryan is crazy sometimes. But honestly. So Dad tells me he doesn't want me going out with anyone at all, male or female. I, as politely as possible, told him that I'm not going to put my life on complete pause and risk losing all of my friends as well. Granted, he realized later he was just being paranoid and goofy with his thinking, but still!
Anyhow, I guess I just needed to say that it's not easy. I love my parents more than anything and would literally die for them, but moving back home is not the most pleasant experience possible.
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