Bigger...Better...Brighter...

That's what I'm moving on to. I just accepted a position at an amazing new company! I've been dying to tell someone the great news but for fear of my current job finding out, I haven't said anything anywhere online.

My official new title will be Office Manager at a great advertising agency in Pittsburgh. That's right, I'm moving to the Burgh.

I seriously couldn't be happier. My life is coming together so nicely it's fabulous!

I have so much to do in the next few weeks!

ps - just in case anyone actually still reads this...please don't say anything on Facebook yet because I need to tell all of my brides first.

Thanksgiving

So I'm a little late on this one, but I still wanted to document what I'm thankful for this year. So much has changed in the past year of my life. I have hope where I had completely doubted everything and I feel love I never knew existed for anyone. I see a future with three very special people and I couldn't be more excited for it. My family is happy and healthy and we are all in the best relationships with each other than we've ever been. We have honesty and support for each other. My sister will be marrying the love of her life in about 7 months and I'm so excited for the honor of standing for her on that special day. My brother is doing well in school and has grown into an amazingly caring and sincere young man (so weird! He's my baby brother!). My parents are completely and totally in love with each other after 30 years of ups and downs and highs and lows. I'm completely and utterly happy.

The weirdest thing for me? Accepting that. Not waiting for the floor to fall out from under me. I'll get there, slowly but surely. Then again, maybe it makes me appreciate it all a little bit more. I don't really want to get "used" to having someone completely spoil me, right?

I'm going to steal a few lyrics from Darius Rucker (or for those of us that have a hard time as accepting him as "Best New Artist of the Year", better known as Hootie):

It may be a simple life, but that's okay
If you ask me baby, I think I've got it made
Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me

Trick-Or-Treat!

We took the girls trick-or-treating in my parents' neighborhood and had a blast. It was relatively last minute too. My mom texted me Saturday morning, told me it was on Sunday and asked if we wanted to take the kids. I said sure and she said, "Good! Your sister and I are already looking for costumes for them!" haha! And this is the cuteness that happened from there :) Oh yeah, and she totally referenced them as "her granddaughters" at one point too. It felt so good!

Our little hunter, our big hunter (my sister) and our little fairy princess (who refused to take the Teddy Graham out of her mouth)

Questions answered:

Yes, Jill, he does have bad qualities as well. He's paying for some financial decisions that weren't the brightest right now. When he found out his wife was cheating on him and leaving him, he went crazy. Basically stopped working and started making some pretty bad decisions. Which is actually funny considering he was a financial planner. He is definitely not disciplined when it comes to money. That's probably his worst quality.

He isn't very patient. And he has this incredible way of tuning out the girls. We can be riding in the car and they will be talking to him and calling his name and asking him questions for a solid 5 minutes and he won't even hear them. It amazes me. And drives me so crazy that I end up saying, "Please, just freakin answer them!" haha!

He is a crackberry addict. He makes fun of me for my addiction to it, but his is just as bad. He just blames it on work but he checks it just as often.

Here is the funny thing though - I don't care. I know there are things that will be infuriating and we will absolutely fight about things. I chalk a lot of it up to us both being married before. Neither of us were perfect spouses and we know it. There are things we could have both worked on. And neither of us want to make the same mistake twice.

He opens my car door and every other door for me every single time. In fact, the other night I met my parents for dinner and when we came out my dad opened my mom's car door. She half chuckled and said, "Looks like Rick has been a positive influence on everyone." (On a side note, my dad has always been that sweet and thoughtful and always opened her door. Sometimes he just gets a little forgetful.) He truly and genuinely cares about my feelings. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He touches me all the time. Small touches that absolutely send chills up my spine. He kisses me sweetly. I still get butterflies when he is simply coming home from work to me. He isn't afraid to tell me exactly how he's feeling at any given moment.

One time he told me that his favorite thing about us is the fact that we can look at each other across the room for only a split second and know that we both love each other more than anything but we don't have to say a single word and we don't care if anyone else knows or notices. I honestly didn't know that kind of love even existed.

Catch up

Ok - so it's been awhile since I've updated. Sorry! I've had so much going on in my life. All wonderful things :) Well, mostly all, minus the stupid people here at work. Oh well! So let's update...

I've come to a realization in the past few weeks. See I was emailing my mom about why I couldn't come to work with her because I had another commitment in Pittsburgh in my effort to move my happy ass out there. And she came back with, "I figured you were keeping your search to the Pittsburgh area." And then and there I decided, "Fuck it. You are happy. You know what you want in your life. Why are you so afraid to tell people? Just because you think they will have an opinion on what you are doing with you life? You know best for you. And you know that you know best for you. Just believe in yourself and your decisions and trust your heart and gut and be smart about it. And tell people! They will believe in you and your decisions much more when they realize they aren't snap decisions."

So here we are. I'm moving to Pittsburgh. Yep, just as soon as I can get my happy ass out there! :) Yeah, the whole j.o.b. thing kind of gets in the way with that sometimes. Turns out no one is really hiring for very good positions. Oh well, there is not huge rush I guess.

Oh, and I'm getting married. It's not like we are officially engaged or anything. And quite honestly, we probably won't ever be. I've done the whole proposal, expensive ring thing and it's not all that important to me. I'd much rather put that money toward a house. But yeah, totally talking about getting married! I love this man so much! He makes me so ridiculously happy and we talk about every single thing. He's an amazing father and just a really good person. We are so happy together and it feels so good. Don't worry, it's not a snap decision. It's been well thought out and talked about and all. And it won't be for quite a few months anyhow. The whole living with your spouse thing is slightly important and there is really no super rush with that.

There is also plenty of talk of babies too. Last night we were laying in bed just talking (my absolute favorite thing to do with him) and asking random questions we could think of. Silly ones and serious ones. I asked him what his five year goals are right now. Here is the summary of his response:
Married
Debt paid off
House
4 year old

Yeah, that last one made me smile so hard tears started coming out of my eyes. I have baby fever so bad I need to take Tylenol. Seriously. It's bad. What's even worse is that he does too. We are a bad combination together. haha! I mean, there would be worse things than getting pregnant right now, right? ;) Kidding! We are preventing it. And chances are, it won't be that easy for us either.

I have no idea where I am on things when it comes to my own fertility. I mean, I've been on birth control since I was 15 because of my ovarian cysts. Oh, and the cysts can't be healthy for those egg droppers either. And he knows that his swimmers aren't the most athletic guys either. He and his ex-wife had to go through IUI to have the girls because both of them weren't the most reproductive ready creatures. As dumb as it is, that's been on my mind quite a bit. And we talked it out last night too.

I mean, he's got two kids. Two beautiful, healthy girls. And that very well could be enough for him if I want it to be. And I love those little ladies like they are my very own. But I want to be a mommy too. So I told him I was afraid that if while we are in the middle of our efforts if he would just feel like enough is enough and we've spent enough money and time on it and just be done. His response? (Have I mentioned I love him?) "Babe, I want to do what makes you happy. I want to have a baby with you and share the whole experience of having a child together. I want this almost as badly as you. It's just money. Sure, it can get frustrating, but so what. We'll work through it together, be honest and open with each other and cross those bridges when we come to them. When you say enough, then we'll quit. Until then, let's keep practicing." Sorry, guess I could have left out that last part. haha!




I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him. But I'm so incredibly glad I did.

Melt your heart

So I walked into Rick's house the other day and this photo was sitting on his counter in a frame just waiting for me. And it melted my heart instantly. I just love it :)

Feel good :)

This is such a feel good song :)

Download

I have to download all of the thoughts running through this head of mine. I'm going insane slowly but surely by trying to keep everything straight. Mostly I've tried to keep it all in there because some of it I'm afraid to let out for fear that it may be true and because I'm afraid someone may find out some of the things I think/feel. But that isn't healthy. I know that. And I tend to do this to myself every so often. But I'm close to exploding right now and I have to get it out. Yes, I'm at work and yes, I have a ton of work to do. But I can't concentrate on a single thing right now. My mind keeps wandering and I'm completely useless unless I take care of this. So here goes. In all it's randomness:



Finances - They are the first and last thing I think about on a daily basis. There isn't a two week period that has gone by that I haven't over drafted my account. I just can't make ends meet. This will be the first time in literally months that I haven't had that happen. I finally got a somewhat decent paycheck and I can actually pay my bills. Amazing how that works, isn't it? I just can't get ahead though. Every time I think things will look up, they take a turn for the worse. Something unexpected comes up that I have to pay for and I can't make it happen. I spend no extra money on anything frivolous at all. I have a boyfriend that pays for everything for me (even gas sometimes), I'm working a very part-time second job at my uncle's gym just to pay for toilet paper and groceries (no sarcasm at all, that's dead serious), I eat the free disgusting meals at work as often as possible, I do my laundry at my parent's house for free, and anything else I can make happen. There is nothing else I can cut out to make things cheaper for myself. I'm getting free cable so I can't cut that. My only phone and point of contact is my cell phone so I can't cut that. I don't have internet. My only utility is electric and that only runs about $50-$60/month. My rent is ridiculously cheap. I pay the minimums on my student loans (when I can even do that much). Any trips I make to Pittsburgh Rick pays for the gas for me to get there and all of my expenses while I'm there. I don't get my hair cut, I don't get my nails done, I don't pay to eat out, I don't buy any new clothes or anything like that, I DON'T DO ANYTHING!!! And I can't get anywhere. I can't pick up a second job because I work too many hours at my current job and yet I can't get a full paycheck here because other people are slacking and affecting my paycheck. It's all quite frustrating so let's just move on. This dead horse is beaten silly.



Work - Probably the main source of even my financial problems. I love, love, love what I do. I have a fabulous position and I can't tell you how much I love it. But that doesn't mean I love where I work or who I work with. It's just frustrating sometimes watching some people skate by doing little or nothing with no consequences whatsoever while the rest of us then have to pick up the slack and are called out for things we have no control over and most of the time aren't even our responsibilities. I know the economy is affecting everyone right now and I know I should be grateful at all to even have a job. But some days it's very hard to be grateful when you are getting smacked on the hand or ridiculed for doing your best on a daily basis.



Family - I love my family dearly. More than I could ever express. But dear lord they exhaust me sometimes. My grandma is in the hospital right now. Nothing serious - she had a double knee replacement yesterday - but that doesn't mean I don't worry about her. She's the only grandma I've got left and even though that woman can send me over the edge faster than anyone else in my life, I love her so very, very much. I know I won't have her forever, but for a little longer would be quite nice. My parents really are great. They care so much about me and I know they are proud of me. They remind me that all the time and thank goodness. Some days it's exactly what I need to hear to keep moving forward. And quite honestly, lately they've been nothing but fabulous. They haven't nagged or bugged or pryed or complained or anything. It's been fabulous and I've never felt closer to them. We are throwing them a surprise 30th anniversary party next Friday. I'm actually really excited about it and I'm pretty sure they still know nothing about it. We've done pretty well at throwing them off and with Grandma's surgery they've been pretty distracted overall. I really hope we can pull the surprise off :) I just wish I had a bigger budget to do something a little more fabulous. Oh well, I'm sure they'll say they loved every bit anyhow.



Love - I'm so in love. So, so, so in love. It's hit me really hard. I resisted for quite awhile and actually did very well. I've been relatively guarded and have made very smart decisions for myself. I'm quite proud actually. I'm clearly not new to this love thing. I mean, I was married. haha! I think my experiences and Rick's experiences have made us love and appreciate each other so much more. He is so good to me. I can't even begin to explain how happy he makes me. He is at the front of my thoughts every single moment. He's patient and kind and understanding. He listens to me and genuinely cares about my every feeling. He loves my family and is so sweet to them. They love him and that means so much more after what I went through with my marriage.


Counselor - I'm a counselor to anyone and everyone. It's one of my favorite things about myself and one of my least favorite things. I'm so glad that people feel safe coming to me with their problems. And I'm so glad that they view me as a trustworthy person to talk with and an opinion they respect. However, sometimes it's just too much. Example? My aunt last night unloaded on me that she's probably leaving my uncle. Ugh. Now, I know that I'm the only one in our family that has gotten a divorce and that no one else on that side of the family is exactly open to sharing their feelings and thoughts with each other for fear it's not within the general consensus of a 'good thing' or 'acceptable' but still, why me? This is not something I want to have to deal with and certainly not a secret I want to keep right now. I'm so proud of her for finally standing up for herself. It's something we all kind of saw coming for awhile and something that needs to happen, but I really don't have the energy, time or patience for this right now. And all that does is make me feel horribly guilty that I'd wish her off on someone else.


Secrets - oh the secrets. I've kept so many secrets all my life. In fact, I have a hugely horrible secret that I've only shared with 3 people in my entire life. And honestly, it's a secret that hurts me and has absolutely had an impact and affect on my life. Sometimes I feel that I'm at the very brink of busting it out and just telling everyone because it consumes my thoughts. But then I think about how that could change so many peoples' lives around me and how it's best I just keep it inside. In case you couldn't tell, I'm at that point right now. Which is why I'm bringing it up. To remind myself that all it would do is harm and no good to anyone in any way. So shut it and suck it up.


Moving - I'm planning on moving very soon. As soon as I can get a few other things in order. Mostly one big thing. But that will come with time and perseverance I suppose. As a friend told me not too long ago, you have to pay into a really sucky one to get a really amazing great one after. I'm still paying right now and I have faith that my amazing one will come soon. I hope...


Physical - I don't take care of myself. At all. I'm probably not very healthy. I don't eat a balanced diet and I know that I don't get the correct vitamins in my body that it needs. The worst thing about it? I don't care or have enough energy to change it even though I know I should.


Babies - I'm so surrounded by babies. No matter what I do. And they are on my brain. Please get them off my brain. This is not a good time to want a baby. I'm so stupid.


Love - have I mentioned I'm in love? Yeah, I am. :)


Depression - No matter how great things are going in some aspects of my life (see above) I'm still in a depression right now. I fight it very well almost every day. But there are times that it completely and utterly grabs hold and just won't let go. Last night was one of those nights. I cried and sobbed and cried and snotted and cried. It makes me feel very selfish and ungrateful for the blessings I have in my life. Which actually makes me more depressed.


Curious - I'm not going to lie, sometimes I'm curious about Ryan's life. I wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me or hates me or anything at all. Strange, I know.


I think all these things tie in together pretty well to create one big mess. There are things that cross my mind sometimes that I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I miss my house so much. Even though I felt so much pain in that house from my relationship, I miss it. I picked it out, I decorated it, I absolutely loved it. It's silly for me to even miss it because it's long gone and the life that I left it with was horrible for me. But sometimes I'll see something that would have looked fabulous in my kitchen or I will have some family over and give anything to have my huge dining room table back. Silly, small things but they all play in together somehow.


Hm, I thought this would make me feel better than it actually did.

Best day

I had one of the best days in a very long time. I went to Cedar Point with my family today and laughed harder than I've laughed in awhile. The morning started a little rough with my mom waking up with a headache. I was afraid of what the day would hold because as we all know, when Mom isn't happy, no one is happy. So I was glad when it was pretty well gone by the time we got to the rest stop. We even laughed and sang along to all the songs on our iPods on the way up.

We got to the park about half an hour early. So we had to wait for the gates to open, but the time went quickly. We noticed there weren't a ton of people there, but figured it'd get much busier later. But it didn't get busier at all. We didn't wait more than 10 minutes for any ride. Not even the newest and best. It was great.

But so much more than that, I had an amazing time with my family. We all laughed and joked and just had a fantastic time overall. Everyone had a great time. Ben realized that it is un-American to simply buy a bigger car instead of losing weight to fit in your smaller car (way more to the story, but it was hilarious). Halley managed to sit in the cooler at lunch. It was freakin hilarious! Our lunch was envied by all as we picnicked right outside of our car and fed the loud, dirty seagulls. I face-planted in the back of the front seat on the way home trying to show Mom my phone and even dinner at Bob Evan's was quite a great time as well.

It was perfect. And much, much needed. Our family has been a little bit disconected lately. We are all so busy with school and work schedules that we don't have a full day to spend with just our immediate family. And quite honestly, that may be the last chance we get. Maybe even ever.

I'm hoping to be moving within the next few months (more to come on that a little later when things are a little more definite) and Halley will be graduating and getting married in less than a year. I'm going to miss these simpler times, but I really think only good things are to come for all of us. Everyone involved in our lives seem to have a very positive impact on all of us and we are all much happier.

The future is looking bright :)

My weekend

So I had a great weekend with a little twist thrown in. On Friday I was up early and at work by 6:30. Ugh how I hate mornings. But I ended up getting out of the office by 4:30 so that was nice. Halley brought Max over for a bit to borrow some dresses then Rick and the girls got there about 7:30 or so. We changed and headed over to the balloon fest. The girls had a good time and so did I :) I'm such a kid with that kind of thing. Food Fest/HOF week is my absolute most favorite time!

Then Saturday morning I actually got to sleep in a bit because I had a decently easy wedding that day. So I eventually got up and got ready and headed in. Rick took the kids to my mom's house to go swimming and then we met back at my apartment after. We all got changed and went back to the food fest for fireworks. When we got there we laid out the blankets and Halley and our friend Kevin sat with the girls while Rick and I went to get food for everyone. We walked around a bit and decided to stop to get hot dogs and fries. As we were walking back there he was. Ryan was there. That was the first time I'd see him out and about in public unplanned. It was weird for me. We saw each other and weren't quite sure what to do. So we half waved and just kept walking past each other. He was with an ugly fat girl. And I'm not just saying that cause I'm bitter. She really was ugly and fat. After we walked past I looked at Rick and said, "That was my ex-husband." His response, "Really, that was your ex-husband?" haha! It was weird for me. And honestly it shook me up a little bit. I was actually pissed that he was there. When we were together it was like pulling teeth in order to get him to be any kind of social at all. Whatever. Anyhow...

Then Sunday we went down to my sister's fiance's and rode 4-wheelers and had a picnic and just a pretty relaxing day. Then we had a softball game later.

It was overall a good weekend. But I'm serious, seeing him on Saturday totally shook me up. And it pissed me off that it shook me up. You know? Why does he still have control over me at all. Why is it that he can still affect me at all? Jackass.

Vegas recap

What an amazing time. Honestly. That has to be one of the absolute best vacations I've taken in my entire life. I had a total blast the whole time. I took very few pictures because neither of us wanted to carry a camera around but I took a few of the room and the hotel lobby and a couple cute ones of us. So I'll share those first then I'll recap :)

This was our room and it was so amazingly beautiful!





This was the main hallway that led from the entrance/lobby to the casinos and guest rooms. It was so incredible



And believe it or not I got very few pictures of us. We looked freakin hot all three nights and I'm seriously kicking myself for not getting evidence. Oh well, I guess. I did get these few:
This was on our last day before we headed out to the airport:

(This one was probably my absolute favorite :) )
And in the cab on our way to the airport:

And on the plane on our way back. Can you tell how tired we were? haha


So here is a basic recap of all we did (mostly just to help me remember in the future. In fact, last night we were talking about the events that happened, and we can't even keep the days straight. haha!)
Friday - We woke up in Pittsburgh at about 4:30 got ready and then hit the road to the airport. We got there about 45 minutes before our flight took off, checked in, grabbed coffee and boarded. It was perfect timing. Neither of us slept on the way out because we were excited and the flight was actually a little rough. We arrived in Vegas, got our bags and grabbed a cab. When we got in the car we said how we were hungry for lunch and the driver kinda chuckled and reminded us that it was technically only 9:30 there. Not like it matter in Vegas. It can be whatever time you want it to be. So we got to the hotel, were completely and utterly amazed as soon as we walked in the door. I freakin love the Venetian. Seriously! So we went up to our room and were completely amazed. Even by the fact our blinds had a remote. That's right, we were the hillbillies playing with it. haha! We decided to head down to grab a bite to eat and then we walked around the pools. And the we had to hit the black jack tables. I think Rick was pretty close to shaking at that point if I didn't let him gamble ;) After some gambling we headed back up to the room to get ready and we were out. We caught a cab over to New York New York to pick up our show tickets for the weekend and we hit a table there. But they must not have liked us. We ended up down a little bit so we decided to go to dinner. Went to Red Square at Mandalay Bay and oh my dear god was it amazing! Honestly! It was so freakin delicious! I had black truffle and lobster fettuccine. I was in completely heaven! Then we went back to New York New York to see Zumanity. Way racy but so good! We both laughed our entire way through it. I definitely recommend it! Then we decided since we went to see a burlesque type of show, we might as well hit a strip club. So we went to Spearmint Rhino. Strip clubs in Vegas are WAY different than in Ohio. You can touch the girls as much or as little as you want. I was absolutely shocked. We had a good time though. It was packed! Then we were both completely exhausted so we headed back to the hotel. We were up for 26 hours straight that day. And it was the most amazing day of the entire trip. We started out with the bar so high.

Saturday we both slept in. We ended up getting up about 1:00 Vegas time because we were so tired and we were on vacation so why not! We got up, got showered and headed down to the pool for a few hours. Then we had dinner reservations at Zafferino's. It was delicious Italian food! So yummy! And we had a cute little table overlooking the canal. :) After dinner we headed out to the Palms to go to the clubs. A friend of mine is a DJ out there so he set us up with some VIP passes which was nice. Cause holy line! haha! There was no way I'd be standing in that freakin line! Once we got in it was fun and all, but not exactly our thing. Or at least not that night. So we each had a few drinks then ditched. We went back to the hotel and actually called it a fairly early night by about 2:30.

Sunday morning Rick let me sleep in while he went downstairs to gamble a bit. I got my lazy butt up and ready and then went down and did some shopping. I fully intended on buying things, but I was so mesmerized by everything I did more window shopping. haha! Then I caught up with him at the tables and we went shopping together. He bought me a pretty new dress to wear to the wedding we are going to and a top that he loved me in. It was fun and it felt good :) Then I was absolutely starving so we got some lunch and then gambled. We went up to the room and got dressed and headed over to the Bellagio. We had dinner at Yellowtail and had DELICIOUS sushi! We also had their surf and turf with yummy Kobe filet and lobster tail. Yum! We watched the water show then hit the tables for a bit. Then we went a saw O. It was good, but maybe I was expecting more than I thought it actually was. I can't honestly say I'd ever want to see it again. And it kind of turned me off a bit to any other of the "traditional" Cirque shows. Oh well! At least now I can say that I saw them. We headed back to the Venetian, changed and went down to the tables. We had a good time filled with watching some of the most drunk, most obnoxious people. Always entertaining :) Then we headed back up to our room.

Unfortunately, Monday morning came. Rick went and got us both coffee and then we took our time getting ready. We packed our bags and went down to check them into our airline. We were able to check into our flight and check our bags from the hotel so we didn't have to worry about them. We made a quick stop in the gift shop to buy the girls some souvenirs and then we hit the tables one last time. We ended on a high note just in time. We caught a cab back to the airport, walked through security, got goodies for the plane and boarded. It was absolutely perfect.

Overall, the trip was completely amazing. I really do love him. He's so good to me. He genuinely cares about how I feel and wants to make me happy all the time. Too soon or not, I definitely am smitten ;)

West Bound

I'm headed West. Well, East first to get to the Pittsburgh Airport but then West to Las Vegas. Enthusiastically ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling about this trip. It's a get-away from this place that drives me out of my mind on a daily basis. It's getting out of Ohio which is fabu. It's spending an entire weekend with just Rick (school girl giddy about that one). And it's going to Vegas which I have only ever been to when I was 15 (sooo not the same!).

Bye kids! :)

Been awhile

So it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Not a whole lot and so much is going on in my life right now. Work has been so hard on my lately. I've really been struggling financially and I've been working just has hard, if not harder, than I ever have. I feel like everything is so close to it's breaking point right now and I'm so afraid I won't be ready or see it coming soon enough.

I know I want to move but I really don't know where or when for sure. A lot of that stress is because of the relationship I'm in right now. And don't get me wrong, I know I've only brought it on myself. Rick encourages me to go wherever my heart leads me to go. There is no pressure from him at all to move to Pittsburgh. He has offered that if I decide to move there I'm absolutely welcome to live with him or he'll help me find a place. But if it's not the right place for me to go, then he completely understands.

The problem I'm having with the whole thing right now is honestly how much I want to be with him. Part of me is completely and utterly freaked out by the entire thing. I definitely didn't plan and certainly didn't think I could find someone and fall in love like this as soon as I did. He's an absolutely amazing guy. I've never been so happy with someone and wanted to share so much of my life with someone. But I'm afraid it's too soon for me. I'm afraid I need to live more of my life. And then it scares me to let him go.

I honestly think the whole "If it's meant to be, it will happen" kind of thing is a little bullshit. I look at that along the same lines as telling a bride it's lucky if it rains on your wedding day. Basically it was made up to make someone feel better when they were going through a tough time. Relationships are work. And anyone that disagrees with me is in for a rude awakening at some point. I have no idea where my life is headed at this point. It freaks me the fuck out. Honestly.

And I know I'm doing this whole no planning thing. But I at least need some sort of direction. There are so many unknowns and uncertainties in my life right now that I feel so confused and scared. When I'm with Rick I feel so safe and comforted. But when I'm here and he's there, I'm scared and uncertain. I don't know if that's a "sign" or if that's me being stupid and afraid to be alone.

Please don't flame me and be mean to me about this. The last thing I need are more critics in my life. I'm surrounded by them for a least 9 hours a day and quite honestly, I can't handle any more. I'll happily accept sound advice and thoughts. Or maybe you think I need a good talking-to. Go for it. But I'll decide what information I keep and what I discard. Because quite honestly, it's my right to do so.

I've decided to just have as much fun as possible right now. I'll be leaving for Vegas in 9 days and I can't wait to go. I need a break from Ohio and from the bullshit that happens here. And what better place to go than the only place with absolutely no rules whatsoever? What happens there stays there, right? Maybe I'll just stay there too. haha!

How's his life?

That's the thought that went through my mind a million times yesterday. It was the date of our three year anniversary. There are days that Ryan doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yesterday, he's all I could think about. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish him to be completely miserable and lonely all day yesterday. I knew he had to go home to the house that used to be ours and sleep in the bed we used to share. I hope it was horrible and painful and hurtful for him. I honestly do. And if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. There were so many thoughts that went through my head on a continuous loop all day.

Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.

Totally going to come out wrong

But I have to say it. I know the people that read this blog are the ones I'm going to talk about. So please know that my comments that will be following are not directly about you...more about everyone that seems to be surrounding my life right now from my still-in-contact-with high school friends to my family to my new friends to my coworkers etc.

Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.

But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.

Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.

Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.

Looking back

So much has changed in the last five years of life it's amazing. I've been looking back quite a bit simply because Wednesday will mark the third year anniversary of my wedding.

5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.

4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.

3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.

1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.

Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.

Pseudo Mom

Sounds kinda like a superhero, doesn't it? Well, I could have used superhero strength this weekend. haha!

Rick brought the kids in for the weekend. I had a blast, but I was (and kinda still am) exhausted from my head to my toes. Here's the weekend re-cap with all of the highlights :)

Friday - He got in town with the kiddos about 11:00. They were completely zonked out in the back seat (kinda the plan) so I helped carry them up. My couch pulls out into one of those futon types of things and it was perfect for them. We pulled that out and put their sleeping bags down and they were good to go. He and I crawled in bed and passed out. About 2:30am I heard Gabby crying so I sent Rick out and basically she just woke up and didn't know where she was. He got her back to sleep so then she was good.

Saturday - The kids woke us up by coming and climbing in bed with us. We all laid there for a bit (well, Gabby jumped on us until Victoria discovered my shoe collection and then it was good-bye organization). I got ready for work and Rick cooked us all breakfast. It was nice to have breakfast ready for me in the morning :) I headed off to work and he got the girls bathed and then went to Tuscora Park and the McKinley Monument with them. After my wedding I got home about 10:00 and they were in the pajamas and anxiously awaiting my arrival. Apparently the girls had been asking when I'd get home all day. The bad thing is when I walked in the door it was definitely toasty in there. Turns out my air conditioner broke. Seriously, worst timing ever. So I made a call to my landlord but of course it was on a holiday weekend. haha! Oh well, we survived anyhow! So we put a movie in for the girls and sat at the kitchen table and just talked and had some wine. It was a really great night actually. I had a super long day at work and I was exhausted so it was nice to come home and be able to unwind like that.

Sunday - Well, about 5am Sunday morning two kiddos ended up in bed with us. So not cool on a full size bed. haha! Yes, they are little peanuts but for some reason peanuts decided sleeping sideways on the bed was much better. Therefore, I had about 2 inches of space. I was hanging on for dear life. haha! But then we all got up, Rick made breakfast again (love it!), we got the girls ready and headed to my parent's house. I was UBER nervous about my dad's reaction to the girls. He can be kind of an old man about things sometimes and was super strict with us growing up. I know Gabby and Victoria and I know they don't exactly behave like we had to. When we got there we helped my dad get the steps in the pool and then the girls were itching to go in. My dad was all crazy about when they were allowed in the pool and not and all that good stuff. But the pool was super cold anyhow so they didn't stay in a long time. So we headed back in the house to play Wii and board games and such. Rick and Gabby took a snooze on the couch while I taught Victoria some new games. Grandpa and Aunt Geri came down and we had a good time. At one point Gabby wanted to play with some toys. Well considering there are absolutely no kids left in the family, the toy department is a little lacking at my parent's house. But I knew we had two of the foam disc shooters so I dug those out and they had a blast. At one point I was in the kitchen with Mom and Rick and all I could hear was Gabby giggling from the front room. I peeked my head in there to see my dad playing fetch with Gabby. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It seriously warmed my heart. It was like watching me play with my grandpa when I was her age and I loved it. They were both laughing and genuinely having a great time. Gabby and I made macaroni and cheese together and we were sitting in the dining room alone eating it. She needed a napkin so I got up to get her one and as I was walking back in she looked straight at me and said, "I really like you" in the most genuine way possible. I completely melted right then and there. Later on in the evening we all sat down in the family room to watch the Cavs and the girls were getting sleepy and grumpy so we headed home at half-time. We tucked them in and then crashed too.

Monday - Gabby crawled into our bed about 8 and I was again losing real estate so I went and cuddled up with Victoria for an hour or so. I got up and started breakfast and then Gabby and Rick got up too. We ate breakfast, got baths and headed to the Akron Zoo. It was a good time. That is the absolute perfect size zoo for that age. Just big enough and a decent enough range of animals. After that we headed to my aunt's house for a cookout and more swimming. We swam for about 4 hours and had a blast laughing and splashing. They really are good girls. They listen to me and really do like me. I was really sad when it came time for them to leave. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that said, "Whew!" haha! And sat down and about passed out. They didn't even make it to the highway before they were both completely out. But as soon as they woke up, they asked when they could come back. I can honestly say I already miss them. They are so sweet and so silly.

Totally falling in love with the whole family ;)

Update on life

OK, so I know I'm a shitty blogger. But I've been busy living life and all. So let's do a random update on what's been going on:

- Busy time is approaching at work. I'm actually really excited because I love crazy wedding season. It won't really get all that too crazy until the last weekend in July. But I've got 6 weddings in the next few weeks that will keep me pretty busy. Which means I'll stop sitting on my ass so much and get moving more. Not like I sit on my ass all that much now, but I feel like it's a lot compared to what it was a year ago. haha!

- Speaking of my ass - it's huge. Well, not huge exactly. But I feel fat and gross. My boobs are totally growing too. I'm talking a full cup size in the past month or so. Not exactly sure why. And I'm not exactly a fan of it. They are UBER sore all the fucking time and I'm definitely over it!

- Boys are stupid. Seriously. All of them. No exceptions. Not all are stupid all the time. But all are stupid at some point in time. Example? This weekend I had one of them go through my text messages. Yep, that's right. He looked through my phone. Fucker. I'm still not done being pissed about that one.

- While I do enjoy the whole dating thing, I'm not so much a fan of the whole dating thing. I'm tired of it by now.

- There's quite a bit I'd like to post about work, but I'll keep that to myself for now. And no, there is no big news but I don't really feel like pulling a Dooce or anything.

- My allergies have been miserable. And on top of that, my eczema has been ridiculous too. My face is icky and I hate it :( My skin is red and scaly, my eyes are watery, my nose is runny and sneezy, I'm just plain miserable.

- There are some days I want absolutely nothing to do after work. And that never happens. I always have plans to do something. I should stop complaining because that means I have friends and family that want to spend time with me. But sometimes, I just wanna chill and not have to deal with anyone. Isn't that why I have an apartment by myself anyhow?

Open letter to anyone with a penis that may potentially think you could possibly some day have interest in dating me:

Dear Boys,

If you could all please stop liking me so much, my life would be much easier. I'm not saying I'm not flattered that you think I'm attractive and that you enjoy my company and all. But I'm perfectly ok with you only enjoying my friendship. And trust me, there is probably something about me that you will absolutely hate given time. I'm really not that great most of the time. I have gross habits like picking scabs on my head and eczema that covers my body and makes me all icky and itchy. I get really cranky when things don't go my way. Please, just be my friend.

Thank you,

The Ungrateful Bitch

In response...

Thanks so much for your sweet comments to my below post. It really is nice to get some feedback sometimes on certain things.

Mombi asked what I feel so apprehensive about. Quite honestly, I'm most afraid of a few things:
1 - That people will think I've moved on too quickly and that I never entered into my marriage seriously enough and I should have mourned that longer.
2 - What if I really am a shitty girlfriend/wife? Why would I subject someone else to that?
3 - Do I really want a boyfriend right now? Sure I want to be with someone that I'm happy with, but can I give someone enough of myself between work and family that it would be fair to them?

How soon is too soon?

So this post could be relatively controversial and that's ok. I know I've stated it before, but I started this for me to get my thoughts and feelings out and no one is forced to read it.

So I'm not sure how soon is too soon for a new "relationship". Of course I don't want to rush anything for myself but I also don't feel that hurt anymore from everything that happened with the divorce. I think a lot of that is the fact that I know I was emotionally done long before it was legally done. I don't want to be frowned upon by anyone (which I know is inevitable and I know I shouldn't care but I always have and I probably always will).

The funniest thing that I learned at a relatively young age is that a lot of the time you find what you are looking for as soon as you stop looking. I've always been pretty laid back about finding someone and I've always had people interested in me (that's not trying to sound self-centered...it's just being honest). I've always been told that I'm a great catch because I'm pretty, funny and fun to hang around. It's a compliment and a very nice thing for people to say to me. But I really think a lot of that is just because who you meet is who I am. I'm not a fake person and I genuinely care for life and all of the people involved in mine.

All of that is meant to preface what I'm about to say:

I've met someone that is a great person. He's funny and nice and very sweet to me. I know I've mentioned him on here before. We were actually set up. My cousin/best friend is dating Kevin who is best friends with Rick. They thought we'd hit it off or at least have great sex when Rick was in town. haha!

I met him at the end of January. Rick lives in Pittsburgh (where Kevin is from also) and came in town to spend the weekend with Nicki and Kevin. Saturday night after work I headed up there and the four of us went to dinner. Quite honestly, Nicki and Kevin thought we'd hit it off, but they were mostly just helping us both get a little ass. We all four had a great time out and um, Rick and I definitely had a great time later that night. (What can I say, I can be a bit of a whore, I guess...don't judge! haha!)

Anyhow, I almost didn't even go that night. I had options of alternative plans and I knew this guy was 10 years older than me. But I knew I had nothing to lose and knew I'd at least have a great time with Nicki and Kevin. So I went. When I met Rick I was pleasantly surprised. He's not exactly the kind of guy I'd normally go for, but I think he's really attractive. We went to Hibachi Japan and as we were all sitting there talking the topic of counseling came up. I knew Rick was divorced so I made a joke about how I hoped he didn't have to go to counseling and suffer through some of the sessions like I did and his response? "I wanted to, for the kids' sake, but she wasn't interested." Holy fuck. Did he just say kids?!?! The entire rest of the night I thought about how I had just been set up with a 35 year old guy with two kids. haha! All I could hope was that the sex was completely worth it.

We had a complete blast that night though. I laughed so hard at Kevin and Rick together and of course at the comedy club later. When we went home I had my Steeler's Fan Initiation (don't ask) and Rick and I had some really great conversations. We were awake most of the night and really found out a lot about each other. In the morning he was sweet and brought me coffee and then all day the four of us lounged and watched movies and talked and laughed and napped.

Rick and I both stayed again Sunday night and then he left early Monday morning to make it to work on time. I talked to Nicki later that day and she said that Rick asked Kevin for my number (yeah, we totally didn't even exchange numbers! haha). I told her that I'd have her give him mine so the ball can be in his court so there is no pressure for him. The crazy thing? He called me that night. We talked for about 2 hours and everything was completely easy and normal.

Since then we've seen each other a couple more times and talked endless hours. He is genuinely someone that I love having in my life. When I'm with him I'm happy. Just happy. Of course there is some giddiness but it's more than just that. I'm myself and we tell each other absolutely everything. There are no secrets or worrying what the other one will think.

I honestly think that both of us being divorced is something that helps that though. We have both been in failed marriages that truly broke our hearts. Neither of us were perfect and we both know there were things we'd change about ourselves as well as how the relationship was handled.

The kid thing? Scares me a bit. I've actually already met the girls and they are freaking adorable. They are 6 and 3 and really like me as well. It's not that. It's actually more about if I want my own kids or not. Strangely enough, Rick and I have talked about it. Yes, I realize we've known each other less than 3 months, but again this is the open converstaion thing where we talk about everything. I'm not sure if I'd be ok with not having kids of my own or if I'd want to have Victoria and Gabby have a half sibling. He is actually open to the idea of having more kids so it'd be more about what I want. Anyhow, that part of things is actually relatively minor right now. Even though it's definitely an important thing if I'm wanting to be in a relationship with a person.

I'm not saying I'm going to go out and marry this man tomorrow. But I can tell you that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and who I am when I'm with him. He actually encourages me to have friends and chase my dreams instead of holding me back telling me I can't do it.

So how soon is too soon? I know I'm the only one that will know for sure...but I guess just some other opinions would be ok with me.

'You smell delicious'

Can I just tell you how stupid guys are sometimes? haha! I was out with friends last Friday night and this group of guys started hitting on us. They were slightly intoxicated but were buying us drinks, so who were we to refuse? I'm all about playing the game. haha! Buy me drinks, feel free to flirt and think you are getting somewhere, then I'll move on. Evil? Yes. Genius? Of course! Anyhow, so the guy that was hitting on me walked over and started introducing himself and then sniffed me. Just up and took a big old whif. What the fuck, buddy? I told him that was completely creepy but he did it again. Like it was a compliment to keep inhaling my smell. He kept randomly stopping his sentence and saying, "You smell delicious" or "Seriously, what perfume are you wearing?"

There is really no point of this story other than when I was telling one of my guy friends he completely honestly went, "That isn't a compliment for a girl? Maybe I shouldn't do that" hahaha! He was dead fucking serious too! Smelling nice is a compliment...getting sniffed up one side and down another on the other hand, is what we females call skin-crawling-creepy.

Angry

I'm so angry toward Ryan about so many things. Don't get me wrong, I know I am in a much better place emotionally now than I could ever think of being for the past two years. But I am so resentful to him about so many things.

Financially, right now, I'm dying. I was so broken and so hurt that when I walked away from the marriage I walked away from just about everything. Everyone in my life kept telling me to ask for more when we settled things, but I just didn't understand why. I saw that I was getting myself back out of the deal and that's what I wanted. The rest is just stuff. And don't get me wrong, it still is just stuff. But wouldn't you know how much easier it is to live with a few of those stuff things. Oh you know, like a mattress and a couch and such things as those.

The only thing I asked for was half of the cash amount we got as wedding gifts. The rat bastard talked me into giving that to me in $200 payments every month. Why exactly did I agree to this? Because I was still broken then. And didn't realize how broke I was.

I'm not bitching about this because I think that money buys happiness. I know that it doesn't. I do know that is makes life easier in some aspects, but I'd never trade money for happiness. I lived like that once and literally wanted to die. The main thing that angers me so much? How much of a fuck head he is.

While we were married we didn't have internet. When we went grocery shopping there were certain brands of chips I wasn't allowed to buy because they were too expensive. Stupid shit like that was a regular occurance in our household. He was convinced we were going broke at every nod of the head. I'd spend every single penny I was making on paying off the student loans he was convinced were ruining our lives and our credit and in paying my car loan and other utility bills when I could. His money? Went toward the mortgage and picked up the other utility bills I couldn't and then went straight to savings. I'm not saying that savings isn't important but he now has an extremely healthy savings account while mine barely makes it to the next paycheck to pay the bills I've got.

Since I've moved out he has redecorated two rooms of the house, bought a 42" plasma television, gotten internet, amped his violin, bought an $800 violin, and completely re-done his wardrobe. The kicker? He tells me how much he gave up and how I don't realize how much he's sacraficed.

I'm sleeping on a fucking air mattress in an apartment with furniture that has all been handed down to me while you sleep in an almost $200k house furnished with stainless steel appliances, your own washer and dryer, and gorgeous furniture. What exactly did you give up fuck head?

Happy = Boring

I've decided I'm pretty boring when I'm happy. Well, I'm at least a pretty boring blogger. I don't have all that much to complain about in my life right now. And quite honestly, why would I want to document every single happy thing that happens in my life if it happens on a daily basis? haha!

Money is stressful. But I think it is for everyone not matter how wealthy or poor you are. It's just taking a lot of getting used to. I used to have about three times the amount of income to pay bills, grocery shop and play with that I do now. Not that life was better then, it was absolutely worse. It's just some adjusting.

Otherwise everything is quite honestly, almost perfect.

Lifestyle change

So I've realized that I desperately need to make some sort of a lifestyle change regarding my diet. I love sugar. Love it. Like literally would fuck it if it had a penis. But I know how unhealthy that is for my body.

I know myself and I know I won't be able to cut it out completely. I love it way too much and I know I'm never good at depriving myself. But I seriously need to limit my intake.

But I'm completely clueless on how to go about this. I'm dumb when it comes to knowing what is actually good for me and not just perceived to be good for me. Does anyone have any books you can recommend to me that are pretty fool proof?

Inspiring

Home Sweet Home

So I'm almost completely moved into my apartment :) It's such an amazing feeling. Almost all of my stuff is there minus a few more clothes and another television. Now I just have to purchase a couch, an entertainment center and a bed. I'm currently sleeping on an air matress and I can't even discribe the discomfort. haha! It's a really nice one and I'm very grateful my sister is letting me use it, but it's so not fun. Anyhow...I did splurge completely on one thing ;)

Keys

I have the keys to my new apartment! Yay! I'm so freakin excited!!

On a sad note, I'm taking Max to live with his new family tonight :( I'm so sad to lose my baby boy. But I'm honestly glad that he's going to have such a loving family to live with. I know he'll be a good boy for them and I know he'll love them so much. That doesn't mean I won't miss him terribly for a very long time.

Check

I'm checking things off my list and making things happen :)

I saw an apartment this morning and I've faxed my application. My security deposit check is made out and I'm ready to get this show on the road! This apartment isn't quite a large or as updated as the other one I liked. But the rent is a little less, I get a carport and the location is SO much better! I'm so freaking excited!! I'm going to go furniture shopping tonight for a couch and/or loveseat and possibly a bed. Though I could be completely ghetto if I don't find a bed I like and sleep on my air mattress for a bit. haha! I'll make it work one way or another anyhow :)

Another great one

I had another great weekend :) In fact, it was downright fantastic.

I went to Pittsburgh to get away for the weekend and truly enjoy myself. And that I did. Saturday after work I hit the road. About 30 minutes from my destination the stupid cop pulled me over. 80 in a 65. Oops. So that's a wasted $147. But I was due. From the time I've been 18 I've gotten a ticket every two years. My first was my accident then a speeding ticket ever 2 years after that. I haven't gotten one for 3 years, so I was certainly due. I'm just doing my part to stimulate the economy and keep people in a job, I guess.

Once I got where I was going I unloaded my car and we headed of to Mt. Washington for dinner. Holy gorgeous view of the city. Pittsburgh is really pretty all lit up at night. We at at Le Mont and it was absolutely delicious! As we were finishing up our wine and just sitting there talking, the guy at the table next to us proposed! I love love :) They were quite cute. The whole restaurant was turned around watching them. Adorable! After dinner we walked down to one of the overlooks but didn't stay there long cause it was freakin cold! Then we headed downtown (I have no idea what section because I saw a lot of PGH this weekend) and went to a hibachi style restaurant with a pretty busy bar. We had a few drinks, watched some basketball and then headed back home.

Sunday was spent very lazily. Rick cooked breakfast and then I plopped my happy little ass on the couch for a few hours to watch some movies and hockey. When I decided to quit being so lazy I got up and showered and then we headed down to his favorite local bar. I laughed so hard. There were only 8 of us there total but they cracked me up, I laughed the entire time we were there. Then we headed out to the Waterfront and killed some time at Dave & Busters winning over 1,000 tickets. haha! And had an amazingly full dinner of some great sushi followed by some serious laughs at the comedy club.

Monday was my perfect day because I spent it shopping! haha! It was my first time in an Ikea store and I swear I had an orgasm as I walked through the front doors. It was 2+ hours of my life that was spent in complete and total bliss. It appeals to every single one of my OCD/interior designer qualities. Everything is so beautiful organized and put together in wonderfully colorful displays. And I managed to walk out only spending about $75. I got a great new comforter and duvet cover for my new apartment :) After a full day of shopping I headed back through the hills for dinner with Rick and his girls. Who, by the way, are freakin adorable and hilarious. Gabby is an ornery little twirp and Victoria only antagonizes her. They crack me up.

I'm quite tired today after a full weekend an a 2+ hour drive back to Canton. But it was all completely worth it. I had a blast and met some new people. And Pittsburgh is actually a really great time. That was my first time being there that I can actually remember. I know when I was little we went to the zoo, but I'm pretty sure I was only about 4, maybe.

And on the apartment front - I'm going to see one tomorrow morning. It's in North Canton and the location would be so much more ideal that the one in Massillon I found. I really like the Massillon one, but this one is offering a 3-month move-in special and it's much closer to work, family and friends. I'm just ready to get this show on the road. No matter what road it is. haha!

Bliss

It still amazes me some days that it is perfectly legit for me to sit at my desk at work and read a wedding magazine :)

It's all coming together

I found an apartment!! :) I'm so excited for it! It's about a 10 minute drive from work and it's very reasonably priced. It's a small, one bedroom house apartment. I will be on the second floor. The inside has been completely redone and is super cute. The bathroom is itty bitty but that's ok for just me :)

I'm excited!!!

All smiles...

I am all smiles today. I had an amazing date last night and I honestly can't get it out of my head. He was sweet and considerate and actually paid attention to what I was saying. He lives in Pittsburgh and our weekend schedules are quite different with me working on Saturdays and him having hockey on Sundays and such. So we decided we would meet halfway at Mountaineer on a Wednesday. It was a fantastic, out-of-the-box time. :) We met about 6:30 and I was given flowers and chocolate and wine which are all always accepted. haha! Then we did a little gambling, well I watched him gamble while he lost money then won it back plus some. We had dinner in the great steakhouse there and shared a bottle of wine and the most amazing and engaging conversation I've had in a very long time. Honestly, I could have stayed in those moments for a very long time. I felt respected and interesting and beautiful.

I'm really enjoying who I am as a person and I'm having fun surrounding myself with people who know and respect that person. The future is looking bright . . . :)

And there you have it...

As of 9:30 this morning I am legally a single woman. Fuck.

I met Ryan about 10 after 8 in downtown so we could just ride together to get to the courthouse. Once we got parked and found which building we were supposed to go to we managed to walk in about 8:25 for our 8:30 appointment. We got checked in and both sat relatively nervously in the lobby. He's always nervous so that doesn't really count for anything, but I was mostly nervous that I'd break down crying in front of everyone and look like a total basketcase. Our attorney got there and got us "in line" to go in and get it over with. We were in about 9:15 and about 9:18 evrything was finished. It was quick and painful. It was all so cut and dry and black and white. When we walked into the hallway Ryan gave me a hug asked if I was ok and told me he loved me. I lost it. Well, not completely lost it. But there were definite tears.

Then we made it back to the car and decided we were both hungry and we wanted to grab some breakfast. So we went to Denny's for some grub. La-Z-Boy is next door and I mentioned I was going to go over and look for a couch and he said he'd come along if I didn't care. And I didn't care. So he came along with me. I didn't really find anything there I liked so we decided to check out the Target clearance section and hopefully find a kick ass deal on another coffee table. While we were there we didn't find anything that I liked so as we were walking out we walked by the vaccums and I realized that I don't have one. Who knew not having a vaccum could ruin your entire fucking day? Honestly. But I made me feel like I've got nothing. Liek the last 6 years of my life have gotten me nowhere.

This whole thing is better for me. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time and I know there are big, bright things in my future. But it sure as hell doesn't make any of this any easier whatsoever.

I'm at work right now waiting for an appointment that is showing up an hour late. It's just one of those days I think. Tonight my plan is to go home, drink a shitton of wine and cry myself to sleep watching a sad movie. Sounds like a great Hugh Grant night....

Weekend recap and random thoughts

So I had a great weekend :) Full of friends and drinking and laughing. Friday night I did absolutely nothing and it was perfect. I sat at home and caught up on my DVR. Saturday I worked and got out at a pretty decent hour. Then I went home showered, changed and headed out. Ron and I met up for some gyros and then we went to Martini for Shannon's going away party. I'm honestly going to miss her for the 3 months she's gone. I wish her nothing but the absolute best in Mexico and I hope she learns a ton and has a great time doing it. I got home at a relatively decent hour and was in bed by 2:00. I had to get up decently early to work at a bridal show in Aurora. Honestly, that was the low point of my weekend just because it was so boring. And it wasn't even that bad. Then I boogied home to change and get ready for the game. I stopped at Dan's house for the party he was having there and that was fun. A few people came and went and I headed out just before halftime. I went to my aunt and uncle's and had a freakin blast. Apparently I got a little more drunk than I had realized, but it was all in good fun. haha!

On a side note, I've been talking to Rick a bit lately and let me just tell you how awesome it is to be friends with someone like that and have absolutely zero expectations of anything. We are completely 100% open and honest with each other and have a blast just talking and bullshitting. It's so refreshing and different for me.

My divorce will be final next Monday. It's crazy. It's absolutely what I want and it's for the best for both of us but it's still hard. To 'celebrate' and get my mind off of it I'm going to be going to Mountaineer with a few friends Wedneday night. It was the only night that would work for us and why the hell not? haha! That is the part of single life that I'm really liking, the part I've never ever gotten to experience before. And I don't mean single as in 'single lady out there dating'. I mean single as in 'don't have to ask anyone permission to decide things on the fly'. Good times :)

Fantastic!

I had an amazing weekend! Seriously one of the most fun weekends I've had in a long time. Friday I got out of work at a relatively decent time, stopped and got Chinese and wine (it was a shitty week) and made it home by 9. I ate, drank and headed to bed. For some unknown reason I woke up at 4am and laid wide awake forever. I fell asleep about 15 minutes before my alarm went off. Grr. Oh well though! I headed in to work and actually had a half decent day. And by half decent, I mean I didn't want to slit both wrists, just one. After work I headed home for a quick change and to finish packing then I headed up to my cousin's house. She had dropped the boys off ahead of time at Hibachi so they could get our name in the list. We bullshitted around a little bit and then headed over. Here's the funny thing of the story: she was kind of setting me up on a half-blind date. haha! Her boyfriend's friend was in town for the weekend as well and they thought it'd be funny to kind of set us up. But it was super low pressure and really ended up just being 4 of us all hanging out. After dinner we headed to the bar for a drink and then to the comedy club. That was my first time ever going to a comedy club and holy shit! It was freakin hilarious! My face hurt so bad by the end. Every time I went to take a drink I just about spit it out. Then we went back over to the bar for a few more drinks then decided to head home. I then had my official Steelers initiation. That was quite interesting. And if I remember correctly, there is photo evidence of it happening. Oy! We drank some more and watched the rest of a movie (I honestly don't remember what movie. Is that a problem?) Then on Sunday we all lounged all damn day. We watched funny movies and took short naps and had a freakin blast. Kevin made everyone breakfast and we ordered pizza for dinner. The plan was for all of us to head or separate ways on Sunday but we were all tired, it had been snowing, and we were all having a good time. So we all stayed Sunday night too. Rick regretted it this morning when he had to get up at 5am to drive back to Pittsburgh in order to make it to work on time. haha! But it all worked out. Nicki and I slept in a little longer (I'm so glad she doesn't have to be at work til 11) while the boys headed off to work. It was a great time. My cousin is my best friend in the whole world. I seriously want my life to be like this permanently in the next 5-10 years. And no, I'm not saying with Rick. haha! I just want us to be close forever and have our husbands be friends too.

Really, Becky? Really?

Is it necessary to eat an entire bag of kettle corn by yourself? Apparently.

Hard to tell why exactly I'm indulging in this currently. It's clearly not AF's fault. Even though I like to blame as much as possible on her, she was here last week. I guess maybe it's the weather. My appetite has increased ten fold over the past few weeks.

What else is new in my life besides my growing ass, you ask? Well, I have had a marathon of working 3 weeks straight. Not a single day off. I'm exhausted and completely spent. The good news is that it's been extremely productive and I've gotten a ton of contracts out and they've started rolling back in. Which will probably piss my coworker off royally that she won't win our weekly award for quite some time because I've strategically placed these contract to come back evenly spaced out. Yep, I'm evil. It's ok.

I hurt my knee this past weekend. It's nothing serious...I didn't tear or break anything. Just a bad sprain and a little fluid in the knee. Nothing some PT and drugs won't fix.

I also have a confession. I miss Ryan sometimes. I miss the good times we had and the laughs we shared. Winter was always good for us. We were both home more and spent more time together doing fun activities like taking the dogs to the field and letting them run their heads off and even just playing board games together. I'm not regretting or second guessing my decision because I know it's for the best. But that doesn't mean I don't miss the good things and times we had together sometimes too. I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand when I say things like this. They think that if it was bad enough to get out, it couldn't have been good at all. Which isn't true. It just was mostly and horribly bad a lot of the time. We still had good times though. And I think it's relatively normal after a certain amount of time to start missing those things. I think it's why a lot of couples get back together after they break up but most of those only end up breaking up again. You forget the horrible things, remember the good things and already have a certain amount of love for the person so it seems ok walking in. And don't worry, I'm not headed back to that.

Mostly I miss the companionship of always having someone there to talk to. And having a comfort level with someone that didn't look at me sideways when I revealed my stupid little quirks or something.

Just cause

I came across a card I saved that a friend sent me awhile ago.

The card reads: Whatever happens, hold on to these thoughts - you are stronger than you imagine, braver than you know...and cared about so much more than words could ever tell. I'm here for you always.

And she wrote: I saw this card and thought of you, of course. You are a smart, strong and passionate person who can do whatever you set your mind to. You deserve the best always and I know "the clouds will quickly pass" and you'll be on to clear skies soon. In the famous words of Kanye West "Now everything I'm not made me everything I am. Damn, here we go again. People talkin shit, but when the shit hit the fan Everything I'm not made me everything I am.

My friends amaze me and give me strength every minute of every day.

At what point....

Do you realize that your life has been truly blessed to be surrounded by the people you are? This was one of those moments. I have been friends with these ladies since 6th grade. And I've actually been friends with the girl on the far left since kindergarten. I'm so proud to be friends with these amazingly beautiful and successful women (holy crap! we are women!) and to have had them bless my life the way they have. 4 of them are married; 2 of them have beautiful children; 1 of them is not only a foster parent but is in the process of adopting one of the kids therefore she has a 3 month old, a 9 month old and a 15 month old; 1 of them has a career in marketing; 1 of them has a career in college recruiting; 1 of them will soon be working in college administration; 1 of them is a nurse. Honestly, what more could a girl ask for in friends? Oh, and can we mention how beautiful they all are??

All the single ladies...

Or this post could also be titled: Confession.

Being single is not exactly something I'm used to. No, in fact I haven't been truly single since I was a sophomore in high school. And let's be honest, that doesn't even count. I'm going to give the remainder of this post a disclaimer: Please do not take this for me being self-centered and annoying. If you are going to, stop reading right now. Seriously. Cause this is a place I post my thoughts and feelings and you certainly are not required to read them. Anyhow....

I have a hard time being single. It's not that I don't like the freedom it gives me. I love that. I honestly feel a bit lonely. I love having someone there that I can tell about every little thing that happens in my day. And sure I have my friends and family that I can do that with, but it's just not quite the same.

I know I'm a strong and relatively independent woman. But I also know I like feeling like I have someone to take care of me. For me, this is a whole new mindset. One I can honestly say I'm looking forward to finding in my own way. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm feeling out of my comfort zone. But, like they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I'll drink to that.

In an instant

So I was coming over here to talk about my lack of optimism. See, I'm a very optimistic person. I always have been. And quite honestly, I'm the kind of person that can be relatively annoying simply because I'm always trying to find the good in every situation and every person. I also tend to get screwed quite easily for that same reason. I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and thinking they only hurt me on accident and won't do it again or they really do mean well.

For some strange reason, I'm not thinking 2009 is going to be any good. Do I think it will have some high points? Of course! Everything in life has high points. But I just don't see it being an exceptional year for any reason. I'm afraid of what will happen actually. There is still a lot of uncertainty in my life and that makes me beyond nervous. I know I've said it before, but I like being in control and knowing what's coming next. I love acting surprised, but really in all honesty I don't really like being surprised. I used to find all of my Christmas gifts before Christmas just so I would know how to react to what I'm getting. I was always so afraid of not acting excited enough and I want people to know I'm extremely grateful for thinking of me and taking time out of their life to not only go out and purchase a gift, but to use the money they worked so hard for to pay for it. And I think that's how I feel with my life in a lot of ways. I'm always afraid that what's coming next will be really disappointing but I don't want people to think that I'm not grateful for life or for the experiences in it so I'd prefer to know what's coming.

Wow. That was quite an interesting little paragraph there. haha! The whole point of this post has now changed though. See, I was coming over here to say how I'm frustrated and I really don't think that 2009 will be a good year and blah blah blah. But turns out, it's ok. See, it's ok to feel down sometimes. It's ok to feel like not every single thing in your life is going to be perfect. You know why? Well I'll tell you. It's because God puts certain people in your life during those times to help you through. And I have amazing people surrounding me right now.

My family is incredible, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that a few hundred times so I'll leave that one alone right now. I run with a crew that constantly keeps my laughing (and generally keeps a cold drink in my hand as well). And I have a group of girls online that are amazing, strong women. Most of them are going through incredibly hard times in their lives but are all still standing there with a smile on their face and open arms and ears to listen to me gripe. They let me know that I'm not perfect but that it's perfectly ok.

I know that no matter what 2009 brings, I will have great people backing me up. Will there be hard times? Without a doubt in my mind. But I really think in the end that it will turn out ok.

Thanks, Shereen. You don't know how much I needed that today. :)