Day 3

My first love.

Well I have a lot of first loves.

My first romantic love? R.J. He was my high school boyfriend. I did love him. We grew up together. One of us a little more than the other, but still together no less. We met when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He pursued me more than I did him, and he was hella hot so I was hella flattered. ;) I remember that at one of my choir concerts he showed up late in his dirty baseball uniform and all of the girls were whispering trying to figure out who he was and I was so excited to exclaim that he was mine. haha! I honestly learned how to love when I dated him. I learned about jealousy and trust and happiness and hurt. An experience I wouldn't trade for anything. It helped me be who I am today.

Day 2

The story behind my blog name:

My blog was created as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations in a horrible marriage. I originally started it with no intent of sharing with anyone else. I was internalizing way too much and needed to release and this was my way. It was living a daily rollercoaster of a life. One minute we'd be happy and normal and the next would be such an extreme opposite. Little did I know that the true rollercoaster was yet to come. :) Sometimes I like to look back at those horrible posts simply to remind myself how strong of a person I am to have made it where I am.

I like to give this little breakdown of my life for those unaware of the rollercoaster I actually lived. All of the following events have happened in the past 5 years of my life:

Graduated college

Started a new job

Got married

Moved into a new apartment

Bought a car

(all of those things happened within 60 days)

Bought a puppy

Bought a house

Moved into the house all by myself

Started a new job

Bought another puppy

Bought our third puppy

Moved in with my parents

Got divorced

Got my own apartment

Started dating someone (with two kids)

Moved to Pittsburgh

Started a new job

Got pregnant

Got married

Had a baby

And here we are :)

Day 1

My name is Rebeca Sue. My first name was after my dad's ex-girlfriend (my mother is a very patient woman ;) ) and my middle name is after my mother's middle name. I am 5'7" with light brown hair and blue eyes. I have a beautiful 11 week old daughter named Reese, an 8 year old step-daughter named Victoria and a 4 (almost 5) year old step-daughter named Gabriella. They keep me extremely busy at all times but happier than I ever knew possible. Here are 15 facts about me:

1-I LOVE my middle name. My grandpa calls my mom Susie and my Little Susie and it is the most special thing I've ever been called.

2-I was married and divorced all before I turned 25.

3-My 25th birthday was the best birthday of my life thus far.

4-While I now have my own family, I still consider my parents and siblings to be "my family" more often than my daughters and husband. It's weird to think I'm a mother in the same way my mom is one.

5-I miss my maternal grandmother every day of my life. She'd be so in love with Reese.

6-I hate my body. Every thing about it except my eyes.

7-I used to hate chocolate but now I find myself craving it.

8-It's no secret to anyone but I LOVE the Grinch. In fact, I have an unhealthy obsession with it.

9-I didn't fall in love with my daughter until she was about 9 weeks old. Now, I can't get enough of her.

10-My husband makes me laugh every single day.

11-The thought of March Madness gets me excited - even in December.

12-I hate our apartment.

13-I never want to be pregnant again but I want to go through labor even though it was excruciating pain.

14-I am scream-from-the-mountain-tops proud of myself for giving birth with no pain medications whatsoever. I am part of the small 2% of women at the hospital that have.

15-I have a scab on my scalp that I've had since 7th grade. I've never let it completely heal.

Dear Bug,

Dear Bug,

I had this crazy idea that I would write a little letter to you every single month on the actual day of your birth. Well, as you can clearly see (and you will always remember), your mommy is not that talented. So I figured since I had a few minutes now I'd tap one out to you.

You are growing so quickly every day. Sometimes I feel like I just blink and you have changed. Everyone tells me how absolutely beautiful you are. Whether they are just being polite or not, I truly believe you are one of the prettiest babies ever. And I'm not even trying to be biased on that (though clearly I am), because you really are just a gorgeous little thing. We recently got your 6 week pictures back and I'm completely in awe of you. The intense looks on your face. Your silly way of sticking your tongue out. The mad-at-the-world scream you have. It's all captured in there and I have no doubt I will cherish those photos every day of my life.

Just in the past 3 days you have grown into so much more of a personality. You are smiling and cooing at things. You will now sit in your swing by yourself for quite some time just taking in the world around you. I could sit and watch you for hours whether you are crying or sleeping or smiling. It doesn't matter to me. I'm so amazed by you. By the fact that such a perfect little human grew inside of me.

Don't worry, you still aggravate me on a regular basis and I know that will only increase as you get older. But I wouldn't trade that aggravation for all the gold in the world. It's what makes us, us. And that's what I've grown to love the most. You and me. We are a team. We share something that no one else in the whole world shares with either of us. You need me and I need you. We can make each other laugh in an instant.

There are times when I just wish I could freeze time. I wish that we would never change and we could live in that moment forever. Especially times when you, me and Daddy are all sitting on the couch in a quiet moment all making each other laugh. Just last night, you pooped your pants so loud that Daddy and I laughed so hard for a solid minute. And then how happy you were for that accomplishment made us laugh even more. When I took you in your room to change you I cried happy tears. Tears of joy for how incredibly lucky I am to have you.

You just had your first Thanksgiving ever. You'll never remember it but I want you to know how special you made it for so many people. Your Aunt Halley & Uncle Grant and Uncle Ben are so in love with you. It's brought us closer together than I ever realized we would be. You'll learn so much from them as you grow and I'm so excited for you. They are such amazing people.

Oh, and your sisters cannot get enough of you. Gabby said she loved you voluntarily for the first time last night and it melted my heart. I knew she did love you and I knew she would tell you in her own time. I'm just so excited I was there to witness it. And Victoria gave you 11 kisses on each cheek, leg and arm because you are now 11 weeks old. She's so thoughtful and caring for you. You'll annoy her in due time, but she'll protect and love you always.

I'll wrap this up now because tears are streaming down my face. Just know that I'll always love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You are my little pumpkin pie and I can't seem to ever get enough of you.

Hugs and kisses!

Love,

Mommy

30 Days of Me

I think I'll do this just for kicks. :)

Day 1 - Introduce yourself, recent picture, 15 interesting facts.
Day 2 - Meaning behind your blog name.
Day 3 - Your first love.
Day 4 - Your parents.
Day 5 - Your favorite recipe.
Day 6 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Favorite movies.
Day 8 - A place you've traveled to.
Day 9 - A picture of your friends.
Day 10 - Something you're afraid of.
Day 11 - Favorite tv shows.
Day 12 - What you believe.
Day 13 - Goals.
Day 14 - A picture you love.
Day 15 - Bible verse.
Day 16 - Dream house.
Day 17 - Something you're looking forward to.
Day 18 - Something you regret.
Day 19 - Something you miss.
Day 20 - Nicknames.
Day 21 - Picture of yourself.
Day 22 - What's in your makeup bag.
Day 23 - Favorite vacation
Day 24 - Something you've learned.
Day 25 - Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Day 26 - Picture of your family.
Day 27 - Pets.
Day 28 - Something that stresses you out.
Day 29 - 3 Wishes.
Day 30 - Any picture.

Birth Story

I want to first start by saying that it was absolutely the most amazing experience of my entire life and I guarantee nothing will ever trump it. It was exactly as I imagined and yet nothing like I could ever even begin to dream up. Our Bradley classes paid for themselves about 3 minutes into the experience for me. I knew what to expect and that alone gave me so much comfort and kept me much calmer than I would have been without them. So let’s start at the beginning…

Monday, September 13^th at 3:50pm I was just sitting down on the couch for a nice snack and some down time. I had been up all but about 2 hours the night before with some contractions and just overall pregnancy insomnia. I was quite tired and actually quite cranky from it. I was supposed to meet my grandma earlier in the day as she was in town with a group of friends but I ended up calling and cancelling. Looking back, it was the best decision I made. I felt a little bit of fluid leak out and to be honest, I thought maybe I had peed myself. So I went to the bathroom to inspect but had my doubts that’s what actually happened. So I cleaned myself up and changed and headed back to my favorite spot on the couch. Just as I sat down the exact same thing happened. So I texted the one person I knew wouldn’t think I was nuts: Meghan. We talked it out a bit and agreed that it was certainly a very strong possibility. So I got up to look for a paper bag to sit on (a trick we learned in Bradley) and as I was looking, the little gremlin moved and I had a serious gush. No questioning it now! So I called my mom to tell her that it was go-time.

I put in a call to the midwifery (felt kinda exciting to be able to push 1 for an emergency) to see what they thought I should do. While I waited for their call back I sprung into action. I was told not to get too excited but let’s be honest, how is that possible?! I immediately went to the bathroom to do my makeup and straighten my hair only to remember I didn’t have a bag packed. So I got hopping on that. In the middle of it, my midwife called me back. She said they needed to see me within six hours of my water breaking so I should get a good dinner and then head in to be checked. I texted Rick and told him what all was going on but told him to take his time coming home cause there was no rush at that point. I wasn’t having any contractions at all so I was kind of thinking this could be the longest labor ever like I had imagined. Which was good, because that meant we’d be able to come back home after we were checked. Boy, was I about to be wrong.

Rick got home about 4:45, finished packing some stuff for him and helped me. It felt so good when I knew he was home with me. He is always such a comfort for me so when I was excited and scared, it felt that much better to have him with me. We got the car loaded and threw the car seat in there just in case then headed to Subway. Even though it sounded really good, I was too excited and nervous to actually eat much. We eventually made it to the hospital about 6:30 and went up to the Womancare area to be checked in. We ended up sitting there for about an hour just waiting. Good thing I wasn’t in pain. In fact, I still wasn’t having any contractions. My midwife then saw us sitting there waiting so she snuck us downstairs to their office to be checked. She hooked me up to the monitor and we started talking through all of our options regarding inducing labor if necessary, going home to labor, etc. We let her know we wanted to keep this as drug free as possible and that I’d love to labor at home as long as possible. My ideal at the time was to walk into the place about 9.5cm dilated and almost ready to push. So after monitoring the baby for about 25 minutes we found out her heart rate was totally fine and I still wasn’t having any contractions. She checked my leakage to make sure that it really was my bag of waters that had broken and took my temperature. About that time my parents arrived. I was quite relieved to know they were there. Emily (the midwife) then took me over to another room to get my blood pressure. It was extremely high all three times she tried. Rick and I talked it out and decided that by me going home, I would only stress more about if the baby was ok so we decided to stay. My midwife got me an LDR room right away and we got checked in. By this time it was roughly 10:00. The nurses came in and got my info, hooked me up to the monitors to get their reading and we were all set. I was able to have a completely normal diet so my parents were going to go out to get us all food but first we all took a little walk around the hospital. There were some stairs in the lobby and since it wasn’t normal business hours I knew I could walk around in my robe without silly looks. So I went over to the stairs and rocked back and forth with my feet on two different steps. I could feel her every movement by this time since the bag of waters was no longer cushioning her head against my pelvis but I was having a hard time distinguishing contractions vs. normal movement.

We went back to the room and my parents headed out. Rick and I sat there talking and laughing a bit while we watched some football and just enjoyed some quiet time alone. Very quickly though it was obvious these were real contractions. And they started coming rather quickly. He started timing them for me and they were about 2 minutes apart and about 45 seconds long. The nurse hooked me back up to the monitor for my hourly check and she confirmed we were timing them correctly. They started to get a little more intense so Rick went and ran a hot bath for me. While I was in the tub they started to hurt in my back quite a bit. I knew the smell of any food would not sit well as I was still feeling a bit nauseous so he texted my parents to let them know they should eat in the lobby.

At this point, the entire concept of time completely left me. I would ask every once in awhile what time it was trying to get it to all make sense but even then, it seemed like everything was a complete blur. In some ways it felt as though it had only been minutes since the whole process started. And in other ways it felt like I had been there for days. My back labor was excruciating. And I kind of expected it to be going into this with my herniated disc, but I had no idea it would be quite that bad. Unfortunately, not too long into the harder labor, I started vomiting quite heavily. Generally I’d have a pretty intense contraction followed by some horrible vomiting and then followed by another contractions. It wasn’t the pain of labor that ever made me want to give up my hopes of a “natural” labor. It was the combination of the pain with the vomiting.

About this time I was ready to give up. I told Rick that I couldn’t do it any more. He gave me some very personal but very motivating words of advice. I did want to go on and I wanted to do this how I had planned, but I needed to know where I was to know if I could go on. If at this point I was only about 3cm dilated, I knew I couldn’t do it the whole time. So Emily checked me and I was 5cm dilated, 100% effaced and a 0 station. I knew that was some serious progress and that I was doing well, but I also knew that meant I was only half way there. Well, kinda. My amazing husband got me through that point and I’m so grateful for that. Had it not been for him, I know without a doubt I wouldn’t have made it even that far.

My midwife knew I was getting pretty dehydrated and decided to get me hooked up to an IV for some fluids. In my mind I knew that an IV was always the beginning to losing control of the medicine that would be entering my body but I was so weak and so tired that I didn’t really care that much. She also prescribed me to get some Zofran in my IV as well. So we started with 4mg of Zofran. I don’t think it helped one single bit. I was still very sick and my back labor from straining when I threw up was only getting worse. Emily told me she could give me some sort of sterile water shots in my back. She told me they would hurt very badly but I was in so much pain I figured they couldn’t hurt that bad. She also told me that once she started the series, she had to finish them and there were four total. I agreed, anything to help with the pain in my back. So she got it prepped and started. Holy hell. I have never in my entire life felt a pain this extreme. They hurt so bad and I screamed so loud that three nurses came into my room to make sure I was ok. (Slightly embarrassing to think about now but at the time I couldn’t help it.) In fact, I tried to bite my mom. She was standing in front of me holding both my hands and I reached her hand up and tried to chomp down. She quickly pulled it away and handed me the washcloth that as on my forehead. Good thing because I know that I bit down pretty hard. Once Emily was done it took about 90 seconds (so I’m told) before I felt any relief from them. But once they kicked in I got about half an hour of relief from it. It didn’t help completely but I really believe it helped enough for me to let my body relax and progress.

Not too long after I had the shots I knew I needed to move around for anything to happen. So I got up on my hands and knees in my bed and my contractions got harder still. In the mean time my mom had drawn another bath for me and it was ready about that time. I made my way into the bathtub and this was truly the part they warned me about losing all modesty. I think I had a tank top on and nothing else but I really don’t know. My contractions were almost one on top of another and very intense. Suddenly, I needed to poop. I knew deep down that I actually needed to push but I wasn’t ready. I was extremely tired and kept telling everyone I just needed five minutes to rest. I certainly wasn’t going to get that though. It is actually illegal in the state of Pennsylvania to have a water birth. I knew this. I had been told several times. And yet, all I wanted to do was to push in the water. My mom went out to the nurses’ station and told them I was ready. Apparently they went into hyper drive at that point. My nurse was in my bathroom in a split second ready to pull me out of that tub. After another contraction I got out and made a beeline to the bed. When I got there I laid down on my side facing Rick. I knew that if I was going to get through this, I’d need his strength as well. This was the most rewarding and perfect time of the whole experience. My nurse, LuAnn, was ready for a little intervention and was starting to tell me when to push and when not to push and such. To be honest, I didn’t know any of that. I was so tuned in to my own body and my husband’s voice that I didn’t hear her at all. Emily kind of hushed her up a bit and told her I’d be fine. She didn’t touch me once until the very, very end to catch the little bug.

I was in the bed and pushing at 5:15 am. By 5:30 am I was holding my daughter. The little person I had waited so long to meet. The gremlin that made me so sick for so long. I surprised even myself and I wasn’t emotional at all. I was completely overwhelmed wanting to look at every inch of her and soak her all in that I didn’t even think of crying. Here I was, with my daughter and my husband. The exact thing I had wanted for so very, very long. Unfortunately I was bleeding quite a bit and they couldn’t quite get me to stop. They gave me some pitocin trying to get the bleeding under control. And even at that point, Rick was a rockstar and made sure I was ok with that. I knew that I had already protected my daughter from any drugs entering her and that it was important I was able to be healthy so we went forward with it.

I can’t begin to explain how I feel about the whole experience. I have a perfect, healthy little bug that I love more than life itself. I have a husband that loves us and provides for us and protects us. It has been a much longer road than just nine months that got us here. I’ve never been more in love with Rick than I am now. I completely understand now when people say how the birth is a very sensual experience between them and their spouse. I also understand what it means when my mom would always say that it is the worst pain I’ll ever forget because I’ve already forgotten. Not enough to do it again quite yet ;) but enough that I don’t ever even think about the actual pain. I’m very proud of myself and I’m not ashamed to say that. What I did was a lot of work but worth every single second of it.

Dear little bug,

Where do I begin? You are still the little alien inside of my belly poking and prodding and stretching trying to find more space for your ever growing little self. You get the hiccups at least once a day and it is really quite amusing to me. I already know you are like your momma just from that. But don't worry, if that's the worst trait you get from me, you are one lucky little girl. ;)

You have been growing in my for almost 36 weeks now. I'll never forget the day I found out you were in there. Daddy had already gone down to the football party at our local bar. The last day the place was open. I stayed behind because I was finishing unpacking all of my stuff and getting organized as I had just moved in here about 3 weeks before that. For about a week I had been feeling a little 'off' and a few other things weren't exactly meshing either. At first I just chalked it up to the stress of moving and starting a new job and getting over a nasty sinus infection. But I knew I'd be partaking in some adult beverages so I thought I better just be safe. I made a quick trip to the drug store and with shaking hands came back home for the longest two minute wait of my life. Before the two minutes was up, I already had my answer. I was expecting a little miracle.

I calmed down, called Aunt Halley (who didn't answer, which in the end was a good thing cause I got to tell her in a much better way) and paced all around the house. Daddy was expecting me down at the party so I got in the car, stick in hand, and drove down there. I asked him to come walk me in when I got there and he thought it was quite strange behavior from me but as he always does, he did what would make me happy. He got in the car and I pulled out the stick to show him. Shock would be an understatement. But he was also so completely excited. We knew we wanted a little baby of our own some day, we just weren't quite sure when. Turns out, you knew when much better than we did. We kept it a secret from all of our friends until we could get into the doctor. It was one of the most magical nights I've ever had with Daddy. We had this amazing secret of knowing that our love created a little life and just a tiny glance at each other reminded us of this secret. I think both of us could have bursted out of our skin that night.

To say that this whole time has been that magical would be a total lie. And don't worry, I plan on keeping that in my bag of arsenal for when you are a teenager and are positive you hate me. ;) You've been given some very interesting nicknames during this time. My favorite (and Grandma Bobbi's least favorite) is blood sucking gremlin. See, you have made mommy one sick puppy this whole time. But it's ok, that means that you are healthy and I wasn't in danger of losing you.

I can't tell you that I'm in love with you yet. I don't even know who you are. But what I can tell you is that I think about you all day every day and dream about you at night. I can't wait to meet you and get to know the person that you'll be. I can't wait to touch you and hold you and smell you. To watch you sleep and to see you cry your pitiful little cry. To watch Daddy hold his little girl and see you wrap him around your little finger just as your two older sisters have.

Oh yeah, and about your older sisters. They can't wait to meet you. Victoria already calls you her Reesey Piecey. It is quite adorable and melts my heart every time. She always asks where your head is so she can kiss you through my belly. She's going to be an amazing big sister and such a helper to me. And Gabby, well is just Gabby. You know the day they found out you'd be joining our family she was very quick to offer that you could share her bed with her. And though she quickly changed her tune when I mentioned you may cry all night, I know she'll share her bed with you if you ever needed it.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you already. Just like any other parent, I wish even better for you than I ever had. I hope to show you the immeasurable amount of love that Grandma and Grandpa showed to me. I hope that you feel comfortable in your own skin and grow to be a woman your own children will admire some day. I won't always be your best friend, but I promise I will be your biggest supporter and protector.

You are my little bug, my little gremlin. I know some day soon I will need to share you with the rest of the world. But for right now, you are mine alone and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

32 weeks

So here we are, at the 32 week mark. It's so hard to believe that this little bug has been growing in my for so long. In some ways it seems like so long ago that I peed on that little stick and went with shaking hands to tell Rick and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.

I figured I'd jot down where I am with everything at this moment:

I'm completely and totally overwhelmed. I'm still sick a good majority of the time. No one really knows how sick I am as I've gotten quite good at hiding it when I need to. Part of me is annoyed with myself by this because how can I expect them to cut me any kind of break if they don't even know. But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer all day every day. So I suck it up and move on. I have so much I want to get done before she gets here and yet in the strangest way I have no motivation to get off the couch sometimes. Could all stem back to the sick thing...or I could just be a horribly lazy person.

I'm trying my absolute best to make this as seamless of a thing for the girls. I want Reese to fit in just right and almost seem as though there hasn't been such a HUGE change in their life. Even though there will clearly be a huge change in their lives.

I'm having a hard time with balance. Not in the physical sense, but in balancing everything going on with my life. Trying to balance my family, my in-laws, my new kids, my future kid, my husband, my household, my work, my upcoming labor and delivery, etc. I know it's all totally normal for all moms and that everyone goes through this. Sometimes it just seems like a little too much every single day to deal with.

But alas, life goes on :)

Stepmom

I love my girls. I love them more than I could ever tell you in words. I'd give my life for them. To see them sad or upset breaks my heart. To see them happy melts it. But I'm just their stepmom. I'm nothing more and I'm certainly nothing less. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes. Especially the weekends that they get to spend with us. They seem like our girls. Just mine and his. I mean, I know they aren't. Especially when to get my attention they call my first name. But I'm not their mother. I would never want to replace her. They love her so very much. She's the one they cry for sometimes when they are upset. I know that feeling. I have my own momma that I still cry for when I'm sad or hurt.

But even knowing this or remembering it when they are with me doesn't make it easier. Sometimes it's really, really hard. See, I'm not the one that makes the big decisions for their life. I only get to follow through with the decisions that have been made for them by their biological parents. Whether or not I agree with those decisions, they have already been made. I don't get to decide what Victoria does or does not do when it comes to sports. I don't get to decide when Gabby should stop sucking her thumb. I don't get to decide what shots they get at the doctor. I don't even get to decide when they go to the doctor and what doctor they go to. I simply get to follow through. Sounds easy enough, but trust me when I say it's not. It's the hardest thing in the entire world.

Now, I'm not crying woe is me on this. I chose this life. I want this life. I wouldn't trade it. I still get to be something more special to these girls than anyone else will ever understand. It's just that some things are harder than others. And right now is one of those times that I'm having a hard time with it. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hello stranger...

So it's been a little while since I posted. Sorry! But I promise you'll forgive me when you hear what I've been up to!

I got married this weekend :) Yay! I'm officially a Mrs! It was absolutely fabulous! We had dinner for 23 of our family up on Mt. Washington and had the ceremony right there in the restaurant overlooking the beautiful city. It was a complete fairytale. And I have to admit, looking back at the photos, I did look pretty hot ;) It was actually kind of funny how self conscious I was about having a big baby belly and being in a wedding dress. It felt a little weird to me. But it wasn't a bad thing...just different than I'd ever imagined, I suppose. Rick surprised me with a beautiful small bouquet of calla lilies (my favorite!) at the restaurant too. I got a BEAUTIFUL wedding ring also! Everything is so perfect!

Then on Sunday our families all went to brunch and then my family headed back to our house to see where I live. We followed them all back to the hotel to say our goodbyes and they hit the road. My parents stayed an extra night so we took the girls swimming at their hotel. The kids had a blast and I have to say I think my parents had just as much fun as they did. They are absolutely their grandparents already and it totally warms my heart.

I love my life :)

Can I just say

how amazing my life is? I have this complete and total overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am. I promise you that five years ago there is no way in hell I could have ever imagined where I'd be right now and I'm actually so grateful for that. In all reality, I've been dealt (and really probably dealt them to myself) some pretty shitty cards. I married a man that was a complete asshole. Much more of an asshole that I could have ever imagined. I was at a point a few years ago that I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed some days. I'd get up and get showered only so he didn't know that I didn't go to work that day and so it wouldn't be worse. But in the past year and a half my life has become more amazing than I knew possible. I am purely in love. I have an amazing man that appreciates and loves me so very much. He would literally do anything for me to make sure that I am provided for and taken care of. I get to marry him on Saturday and I can't even explain the emotion that I'm feeling about that. It is beyond happiness. I didn't even know this feeling existed. Add to that the fact that I have two girls that are beautiful, smart and absolutely adorable that will become my step-daughters. Two little women that love me and that I love more than I really ever understood possible. I would do anything for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. I am also carrying a healthy little bug. A little girl that was created in the passion that only grows every single day between Rick and I. Even though we didn't "plan" on her right this minute, there is nothing accidental about it. I've dreamt of the day that I would get to hold my child in my arms. I can't wait to meet this little lady and see her develop a personality that will no doubt be a combination of her father and mother.

I'm so overwhelmed with the blessings in my life. There are far too many to count and I don't even know where to begin to start counting. Every time I think of one, three more quickly flow from that. I don't know what I've done to deserve such amazingness in my life, but I'll never once question it. And I promise not to take it for granted. I promise to be thankful every day for the beautiful family I have both immediate and extended.

24 Weeks

And all is well :) I had my appointment today and my belly is measuring dead on. She said my weight gain is right where it should be as well. Though I'm slated to gain 30 lbs at this point (I was hoping to only gain 25 total), I'm ok with it. It's all for the good of the cause and if this is my one and only, I don't have to worry about hurrying up to get it off before the next. Besides, if I'm 5lbs up from my pre-mommy weight, it won't kill me.

And now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever posted the little bug's name on here. Her name will be Reese Dean. :) I can't help but smile every single time I think about it.

Here is a belly shot for future reference also!

Horrible updater

That's me, I know I'm a horrible updater. And I know some day when I'm old and crotchety and my mind forgets even more than it does now (God help us all then), I'll regret not having more info to remember this special and crazy time in my life. But until then...I'll probably remain a horrible updater :)

This little bug has been pretty active. All when no one is around to feel her anyhow. haha! Rick finally felt her little kicks on Saturday. We were driving out to Canton for my sister's graduation party and she was kicking away after lunch and he got to feel just one kick. I don't really think it's his thing though. haha! He didn't keep his hand there for more, one seemed to be enough for him. Which is totally fine with me. Definitely don't want him to ever be uncomfortable about it. Today she is a busy bug! She hasn't sat still since my commute to work this morning. Not quite sure what has gotten into her, but I can't really say that I hate it. As long as she calms down for bed time anyhow.

I've been feeling better. Most of the time. I still throw up almost every morning or come darn close to throwing up anyhow. And I still have my days sometimes when I throw up all day. Those suck. But I live through them.

But let's talk about doing the dirty for a minute. I just can't. I have a really hard time with it anyhow. When I am feeling good I suppose I should want to. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or I happen to look down and see my belly and to me, it's just ew. I know it shouldn't be that way. But I don't think I'm an attractive pregnant woman at all. And then the other night I was being a good wifey and giving long forgotten lovin with my mouth and normally that progresses into some fabulous "love making" for us. But just as I was ready for it, she kicked. And then it was over. He kept trying but I couldn't just say no because she kicked so I just kept telling him that I was enjoying what I was doing. And I was, for the first half hour. haha! But there is a human, inside of me. What is sexy about that? I know he can't touch her or hurt her or anything like that. But how am I supposed to concentrate on being pleasured when there is a human life moving around inside of me. It's just creepy. And SOOOO not sexy.

A day of awesomeness

Here is a recap of our day of awesomeness:

Rick got up and went to work a little early while I slept in a little longer before getting up to do some work from home. I got up and did some work, got in the shower and my mind was racing the entire time. I had a little chat with gremlin about being a good baby that day and cooperating and that no matter what I loved them already. I got out, got ready and by then Rick had come home. So off we went to a long day of nerve wracking appointments.

First up was our fetal echo. Hands down the appointment I was most anxious about. There was so much that could be wrong in just that one quick appointment. My child could have a heart that would not support their life. Or they could need countless surgeries for the rest of their life that would undoubtedly be a horrible thing for both them and us to have to endure forever. We waited in the waiting room for a very long time. They didn't call us back for over half an hour after our appointment time was set for. The waiting was killing me. Knowing that whatever was done was done and there was nothing I could do to make it any better for this helpless little life was the worst thing. The called us back and she said that it would be much quicker than the anatomy scan would be later. We walked into the room and there was another tech in there. She asked a few questions and started the echo right away. I couldn't really see the monitor from where I was but Rick scooted over so he could get a good look at it. I didn't really know what I was looking for at that point anyhow. She looked and measured for what seemed like half an hour but was probably only 10 minutes at most. Then the doctor walked in, asked me a few questions about my brother and then asked the tech what she had gotten to get measured already. She then passed the duties off to the other tech that was in the office so she could get other measurements and the doctor looked at them then looked at me and said it all looked perfect. He said that even if the pediatrician hears a murmur or anything later in life it will be completely unrelated and there is no cause for concern any further regarding the syndrome. Then he told us to have a great day! :) We walked out of the office, hugged and I cried a little bit. Just tears of complete relief. I got myself together and then we went back up to the front desk to let them know we were done with the echo and ready for our scan. They gave us a pager and we went to get some lunch in the cafeteria.

I had lost my breakfast that morning but I was on such a high right then that I didn't even think to eat smarter for lunch. So I got a chef salad. It didn't stay down too long, but at that point I didn't care quite as much. haha! So while I was throwing up my lunch they paged me to go back. I stopped in the gift shop quick to buy some gum then we went back to have the scan. The nurse was ridiculous nice and friendly. She explained absolutely everything she was looking at, why she was looking at and showed us what all the measurements meant as she took them. The coolest picture of all that we got to see was the two little feet side by side in there. They were so tiny and adorable already. She went through all of the organs and everything looked perfect. The baby's head and belly all measured right at 20 weeks which is perfect too. Then she went in for the money shot. At first baby was being modest and I think Rick and I both at that point knew it was a girl but were afraid to say anything until the tech said it first. And then she did. She confirmed what we had thought and that we were having a very healthy little girl.

When we walked out of the office we again hugged but there were no tears from me this time. I was almost numb at this point. I was floating so high from knowing that everything was perfect and then we found out that we'd be having a baby girl. It was all so surreal. Like it was almost too much information to pack in to one day for a person. But we still had one more appointment to go. This would surely be the least exciting but important none the less. So we headed down to our appointment with the midwives and started our calls from there. First I called my dad. He guessed boy but was pleasantly surprised to hear girl. Same exact thing with my mom...guess of boy but VERY excited to hear girl. We also called his mom, brother and sister-in-law and I texted my brother and sister. I then also called my grandpa and my grandma and my aunt and all were very happy for us. :)

Our midwife appointment was pretty simple. I asked questions, she answered. She asked questions, I answered. And then we were sent on our way.

Right after that we headed downtown and applied for our marriage license! Seriously, how could this day have gotten any better? We threw around a few ideas of what to do that evening to "celebrate" but we ended up just spending the evening together on the couch. It was followed up by a very wonderful full body massage for momma! We called the girls to tell them the news. Victoria was quite happy to hear sister because she had no use for a little brother. haha! And Gabby was upset that she had to hear the news through her sister and not directly from us so she refused to get on the phone with us. Nothing out of the ordinary with that twirp though.

Overall it was a perfect day. The love I have for Rick right now is absolutely incredible. I don't even know how to describe it. We were in a bit of a rough patch for about a month or two. And not that our relationship was in a bad place, but we weren't the happy-go-lucky couple that we normally are. But we are getting that back. With my m/s subsiding that certainly helps. And we are just in a better place right now with everything too. Well at least I am so that obviously doesn't hurt our relationship. He's just an absolutely amazing man and sometimes I really don't feel that I deserve him. But I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

Half way

Holy crap. So we are half way through this pregnancy. How crazy is that thought??

Tomorrow we have an entire day of appointments. We have a fetal echo at 11:30. Ugh...I don't even know what to say about my anxiety level for this one. So I'll just leave it all unsaid...maybe that means everything will go perfectly? Then we have the anatomy scan at 12:45. Again, the anxiety level is high considering I haven't laid eyes on this gremlin since 7 weeks. Lord only knows what could have gone wrong in that long span of time. And then we have our 20 week check at the midwifery at 2:30.

The most exciting part about tomorrow? We are going to get our marriage license after that! :) Our plan right now is to have a small wedding and a fun dinner after the last weekend of June. Just family probably. I'm actually really excited for it and my hopes are WAY high that this is actually what's going to happen now. If it doesn't, I have no doubt I'll be a sobbing mess Rick will have to deal with. haha!

Blah...Blah...Blah...

That's all I feel like I say anymore. haha! I really have no significant updates. I hit 18 weeks yesterday and for some reason it felt like such a milestone. Most people would consider 20 weeks to be the milestone. But as we've all discovered, I am certainly not like most people. :)

So what did I do to celebrate this milestone? Laid in bed sick all day. Ugh! haha!

I've been feeling the little gremlin a little more often now. That's what I've decided to call it instead of Bean. Gremlin. Yesterday it was Blood-Sucking Gremlin. Today, it's back to just Gremlin. haha!

Rick and I aren't really having much luck agreeing on names at all. Well, mostly I suggest names then he makes fun of them in some capacity. haha! His reasons for shooting them down are really quite lame...but I'm in no rush yet to pick one. So on we'll go with our random game. :)

What else...hm....work sucks. Big time. Our company is dissolving and the partners are splitting into their own companies. It sucks. I'm stuck in the middle of a lot of it and I really do hate it. I feel like I was brought into an unfair situation and I'm very frustrated by the whole thing. I may not have a job at all in two months. That could suck, I suppose. Then again, at least I won't be in this environment anymore. The stress is certainly not helping how I feel every day.

I'm starting to get very anxious about the fetal echo. I know stressing or worrying about it will help no one or do any good, but I can't help it. What if there is something wrong? Even though they can fix it about 75% of the time now, what if we fall in that 25% category. The saddest thing is I'm still not feeling connected really at all. So the extremely ridiculously selfish part of me is worried I'm suffering and completely sick for absolutely no reason at all. The motherly side of me can't imagine having to watch a human being suffer and having to bury my child. Clearly I have mental issues.

Update

So I figured I'd throw out a bit of an update. Not a whole lot to update about though.

I'm still sick. Shocked? Yeah, me either :( It's sucking so hard core. The doctor gave me a new script to try but it made me WAY jittery so I stopped taking it. Like unbearably jittery. Now I'm back to throwing up. Oh the joy.

My belly is turning into a baby belly slowly but surely. I can't suck it all the way in anymore so that's how I know it's different. That and cause it's hard now. Feels totally different.

I felt the baby moving around for the first real time on Saturday night. It was pretty crazy! We were bowling with some people Rick works with and there was a disco song that came on. It was too funny so I had to text my parents and let them know. I knew my dad would love that part and he definitely did!

Hm, what else? I really can't think of much else right now. I'll be 17 weeks on Wednesday. It seems very surreal. Like time shouldn't be passing as quickly as it actually is. We've known for about 12 weeks now and to think that much time has passed since my shaking hand held that positive test is amazing to me. I'm almost half way through my pregnancy. How is that even possible? In 23 weeks they are going to let me birth and care for a human being. Holy crap!

Belly Pictures

So I'm having a hard time feeling pregnant right now. I mean, obviously it's the reason I'm sick all.the.fucking.time and why my boobs are huge and all that good stuff. But I just feel, well, fat. Here are some comparison photos for you to share in my feelings on this one.

Just before 5 weeks...

And 15 weeks on the nose (or should we say on the boobs and ass?)...

15 weeks

tomorrow. Officially 15 weeks tomorrow. Where has the time gone already? I found out almost 11 weeks ago that we were expecting. It seems like yesterday. I remember sitting on the toilet shaking just staring at that those two lines. And now?

Well now I'm still pretty sick a good majority of the time. Right now I'm sucking down some tea with honey and lemon tea to soothe my poor throat that is dying from all of the throwing up. ps - just had to look up that honey was safe because for some reason I felt like I had seen that it wasn't. I'm weird.

I'm starting to get a wee bit of a baby bump. I feel like it's still too early. But I'm pretty thin and I really don't have super strong stomach muscles or anything to hold it in, so I guess it's possible. I can only see it when I suck all the bloat in and in the mornings when I lay on my back. My tummy doesn't go completely flat like it used to. I can feel my super hard uterus in there too.

I haven't felt the baby any more. Or what I thought was the baby. Could have been gas that felt like it, or it could have been a total fluke that I happened to be sitting there still and quiet enough to feel it in the first place anyhow. Either way, I'll be excited when I really do feel those strong kicks. :)

I think that's actually all. We go next week for our 16 week appointment and to set the appointments for the anatomy scan and for the fetal echo. I will surely be a nervous wreck when it comes time for those. But I'll keep my blind faith that all will be well. Worrying won't do either of us any good.

2nd Trimester

So it's here, I've officially made it to the second trimester. :) I'm 13w6d today and I have to say how relieved I am to have made it this far. I truly thought that something would go wrong up until this point.

Symptoms: I'm still hella tired. I try to take a nap every day at lunch but I'm not sure that is the best idea. Usually I end up sleeping over a bit and make myself late. Not that it matters at all, but I think it actually makes me more tired. And no matter what time I go to bed at night, it's still super hard to get up in the morning. It has always been that way for me, but now it's worse! haha! I'm still pretty bloated it seems. Though at this point I'm the same weight as I was pre-pregnancy. I can see my uterus not though. I have been able to feel it for about 2ish weeks or so. But now when I suck in all the fat, I can see it poking out just above my pubic bone down there. I'm still sick a good bit of the time. But I know it's getting better. I went all day Sunday with no Zofran at all which was a huge fete! I took it all day yesterday so I didn't feel like crap at work. But by the time I made it home I felt so icky. I lost all my dinner before I went to bed too, so that sucked. Today I'm trying no Zofran to see if maybe my body is just rejecting that now. Guess we'll see!

If I didn't know better I'd say I felt flutters. It was right where I know my uterus is. It felt like itty bitty gassy bubbles and I know that's all it is. But man, how awesome would it be if it wasn't?! haha! I'm telling myself that it wasn't though because then I'll just drive myself nuts waiting to feel it again :)

I want so badly to say how attached I am and all, but I just can't yet. I don't know if it's a coping mechanism or if I'm just going to be a horrible mother. I'm so scared of what they'll find at the fetal echo. I know that hypoplastic left heart syndrome can be genetic and it's a little boy in there, he's 50% more likely and that scares the shit out of me. I know things are COMPLETELY different from what they were when my brother was born. I mean, they didn't even come up with surgeries for it until a year after he was born. But that doesn't mean it won't be a horribly, rough life for all of us. And I don't want my baby to have to go through that. What an awful way to have to start your life.

So I just choose at this point to not think about it as much as possible. I remind myself there is a baby in there and I need to eat healthy and all that, but I think I'm purposely not trying to get attached in case the baby doesn't make it.

Will I ever feel normal?

I just want to feel normal again. Even if just for a day. I want to feel like myself and I don't know how to do that.

I don't want sex anymore. At all. And I love sex. I love that time that we have together making each other feel absolutely amazing. I love the way it makes me feel and who I am in the middle of it knowing I'm making him happy also. But right now? It's all I can do not to puke on him right after. That's just disgusting. And the least thing from sexy ever. My body doesn't even feel the need for it. I normally do. I normally feel the need for it a least once I day. I haven't had sex in over a week and a half and I couldn't care less. I can't even give blow jobs without gagging. So I gave him a hand job the other night. That's right. All because I felt bad for the poor guy.

I'm huge. I'm so fat that none of my clothes fit. And I can't even suck in my belly any more. I've never had to suck in my belly 24/7. And now I do and I can't even do it. I have nothing to wear and people probably think I'm just porking on the pounds. Especially those that don't know I'm pregnant.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person but this is just fucking ridiculous. I cry thinking about crying too much. Who does that?

I'm exhausted. All. The. Time. I could go to bed for the rest of the night right this very minute at 4:11pm. Why?! I used to stay up until at least 1am every night and be back up by 7:30 the next morning for work and stay out until God knows when on the weekends. Now, by 9pm I can barely keep my eyes open.

I just want to feel a little bit normal. Just for a day.

What is wrong with me?!

I have everything in the world going for me right now and all I can seem to do is bitch and moan. I have the most amazing man in my life. I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect. But all I do is complain to him about things that are completely stupid to complain about.

Like my job. I hate it, actually. I'm COMPLETELY underutilized for any kind of task I can rock and I'm completely bored 98.9% of my day here. I literally surf the internet for all but maybe 1 hour of my day. And it's not because I'm not getting my job done. It's because I have NOTHING to do. But what is wrong with that? Honestly. I'm making more now than I did at my last job and I literally have about 50 hours a week less of work to accomplish. So why do I hate it so much? As dumb as it sounds, I feel useless. I'd rather be busy all day and feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done as compared to this. It's dumb, I know. But it's true.

And I complain to Rick about it. Which is the dumbest thing ever. Poor guy works with complete idiots. And he literally does not have enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done. And I know I frustrate him so much when I complain about it. I just need to keep my freaking mouth shut.

Poor, poor pitiful me

I'm having a pity party. Again.

I have no friends here :( I'm reminded this about once a week. It's so hard! I can't really be BFFs with anyone I work with because I'm the HR person and it was made clear to me that shouldn't happen. Plus, the whole factor that I cannot currently drink makes it hard to make friends with 20 somethings anyhow. All people that are younger than me and fresh out of college. Why would they hang out not to drink? Oh, and even if I hang out at the bar with them I still can't drink. And I'm not above hanging out at the bar anyhow. But they don't know I'm pregnant here at work yet. So I have to make up excuses why I can't go to office happy hour. Ugh.

And try making friends with non-work people while being knocked up in the middle of winter of Pittsburgh anyhow. Not easy.

So...I pout. I won two tickets to the local comedy club tonight on the radio this morning. I was super excited! I love winning things and it doesn't happen all that often! But, Rick has plans with friends tonight that have been postponed several times so he can't go. And one of the two friends I have here can't go cause she has a funeral. And the other friend has not yet responded which for her, means she's not interested.

Poor, poor pitiful me...

Check-in

So not a lot and a whole lot has been going on the past few weeks of this pregnancy. I'm still sicker than sick. Well, without my Zofran I would be anyhow. But even with this drug I'm still feeling pretty sick a good majority of the time. My hormones have been very out of whack. Much more than I ever thought they'd be. And I'm having a hard time balancing them out again. I've been dealing with a pretty serious case of depression also. Sometimes it's hard to see when you are in the middle of it, but I know that's absolutely what I've been going through. Now that the sunshine is out and a lot of the snow is melting away, I'm feeling much better already. Still not normal, but I don't expect to feel "normal" for quite some time now. haha! My boobs are HUGE! Seriously! haha! I got measured this weekend and I'm up to a 34D. That's two cup sizes up from where I used to be. That's ridiculous!! I'm still pretty bloated, but it hasn't been crazy. I can actually fit into my normal jeans, but they are definitely tight. And tight jeans on an already icky belly does not help the morning sickness. So I'm now rocking the maternity jeans. haha! That's right, at 10w5d I'm rocking the maternity jeans. Oh well, could be worse I suppose. :)

The weight of the world

I've always carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I always take everything personal and strive to make everyone happy at every moment possible. It's what I do. I worry about what other people think, how they feel, if they are happy and I stress about it to no end. Even if I know there is not a single thing I can do to change that feeling/situation at that point. Now that I'm pregnant, I seem to do this 100 times more than I ever used to. Which is SO not healthy for me. But I don't know how to stop it.

Almost an automatic response I've been getting from people as soon as they find out we are expecting is when we are getting married. I'm so frustrated and upset and hurt by this statement. Especially the people that are saying it. My grandma had me in tears over it. (The situation has since been resolved and she was made aware of her mean words. But no less, they hurt.) People that know me and people that don't.

There are marriages that are entered and fail on a regular basis because of a pregnancy. Why would anyone wish that on us. And what makes it right or wrong to have to be married in order to have a baby?

We are planning to get married and we were planning on it long before we found out we were expecting. But the fact that people are so rude about it really upsets me. It also worries me that I've made a comment to someone unknowingly at some point.

I've decided to be a bitch about it too. When someone asks if we are planning to get married, I'm going to tell them no that I prefer to raise a bastard child. Think that will shut them up?

"Becky, what's happening with the baby?"

This is the question I get from the girlies every time I see them. Mostly from Victoria. And it is so stinking adorable to me. I melt every time I hear it. :) She wants to know what is growing on the baby and what is happening in there, as she puts it. How cute is that?

Last night, the four of us were having dinner and she asked about the baby. I told her the baby can wiggle it's fingers and toes now. Gabby then asked if the baby has a bottle yet. haha! I laughed and told her that the baby doesn't need a bottle in my belly and I'm not sure how we'd get it in there anyhow. She didn't understand how the baby can eat without it and I told her that the baby gets food from me eating. She doesn't quite get the whole thing, but she's trying. :) Then she moved on to asking about highchairs and baby food and all that good stuff.

I love my girls!

Baby Bean

Here s/he is in all their glory! :) And yes, I totally realize it's only a blob...

Hey Zofran, wanna make out?

Because seriously...you are the miracle drug. I don't feel 100% normal yet, still a little funny in the tummy. But I did not throw up this morning for the first time in about 2 solid weeks. And I ate food. Normal food. Not cracker and ginger ale. I ate cinnamon raisin bagels with butter. They are still in my tummy. I've only taken Zofran since last night at 7:00 but already I feel like a totally new person. So freakin happy!

Ugh

So I really wanted to enjoy every single minute of pregnancy. I wanted to watch my expanding belly and embrace it for all it's worth. And don't get me wrong, I'm so amazed at the miracle growing inside of me...but I'm so over feeling crappy.

And I can't stop whining about it. :( Poor Rick. He has to listen to me complain. This morning as I'm puking my guts out, my nose started just dripping blood. A lot. I knew nose bleeds were normal during pregnancy (still don't know why), but I had no idea they'd hit me this soon.

I really hope this all goes away after the first trimester. I'd really like to enjoy some of this.

Big sisters

So we told the girlies this weekend that they are going to have a little sibling. :) It was quite cute actually. We got home kind of late on Friday but we couldn't wait to tell them the secret so we told them then. On our way home Rick told the girls we have a big secret for them that we'd tell them as soon as we got home. Well of course that is just torture to little girls. haha! We barely made it in the door before I thought they were going to burst from not knowing. We sat them down on the couch and gave them the adorable shirts I got them (you'd think I'd have remember to take a picture of them wearing them, right? Wrong!). Victoria's said, "I'm going to bee a big sister again" with cute picture of a bumblebee on it. And Gabby's said, "I have a secret" on the front and "This little monkey is going to be a big sister" on the back. Victoria read both of them over and we asked her if she knew what it meant. She figured it out right away and started to answer and then for some reason got spooked. So we explained it to both of them and they were pretty excited. Victoria, being the typical over-thinker/worrier/analyzer she is, started with the questions. She wanted to make sure the baby was going to have a place to sleep first of all. Gabby then suggested the baby could sleep with her. haha! And then resorted to letting the baby sleep in a bean bag chair on the floor so she wouldn't be woken up.

The next day we had to go to a wake luncheon for one of Rick's relatives. It's one of those families that always has a good time no matter what and even though everyone was sad for losing Gram, everyone was still in a great mood talking about all of the fun memories. So we had the girls wear their shirts that day to kind of let all of his cousins know. They were all very excited for us. They all kept asking the girls if they want a boy or girl. Victoria, without a doubt, wants a little sister. Gabby has decided that she wants both. haha!

We told his brother and SIL and then called my cousin and his best friend so they didn't find out from someone we had just told since we are all in the same circle. Then this weekend we are going to tell my grandma and my grandpa. We were going to have them down to my parents' house this weekend for dinner to tell them and as it turns out it's turning into a pretty big affair. My cousin and her husband are in from Cincy and since I'll want to see them and they'll want to see Grandpa, they are going to be coming down too. And it's her brother's (my cousin as well, obviously) birthday so they are coming too. And then my dad felt bad for his sister's family and my mom's sister's family for not knowing so he's also invited them. We may end up with a group of about 20 people before it's all said and done. So typical of my family :)

And we have life...

Or at least the beginning of it. Today was the first ultrasound. :) Rick met me at Panera for a quick lunch. I ate about 3 bites because I'm still not feeling well from this stupid m/s. Then we went to the hospital together. First I had to drop off my 24 hour urine sample. Ew. haha! The I had to go to the lab to have blood drawn. We waited half an hour there (good thing we went plenty early). She called me back and said I needed to pee for her. I told her I had my u/s after that and was told to have a full bladder so I'd come back after that. She drew blood and it was super easy for her to find my vein which was a bonus.

We headed over to the ultrasound area and waited about 40 minutes. It was torture! haha! Then they called us back. The tech was really nice and explained everything that she was looking at the whole time. When she was looking at the baby she said my uterus sits pretty far back and she could see a tiny flicker but couldn't get a good enough reading to measure. So she had to do an internal. It was no big deal (even though now I'm cramping like woah). She found it right away and measured and the little bean has a heartbeat of 120 which she said was really good. Of course I've googled the crap out of it since then and found that is right on. :)

So there it is. A tiny little blob that is growing into our new baby. I'm afraid to scan the photo right now since I'm at work considering I'm not planning on telling them for a little while yet. But I'll probably scan it to save a copy next week at my mom's.

We are planning on telling the girls tomorrow night. I got them super cute shirts and I can't wait to hear their reactions (I think). Gabby's shirt says, "I have a secret" on the front which is more than perfect considering pretty much everything that comes out of that child's mouth is prefaced with those four words. And the back says, "This little monkey is going to be a big sister!" Victoria's shirt says, "I'm going to bee a big sister...again" and has a cute picture of a bumble bee.

Then we are planning on telling the rest of his family next weekend when we all go to the casino for his dad's birthday. A bunch of friends have been invited so they'll all find out then. And we are going to Canton that Sunday to tell my grandparents. From that point on it's pretty much fair game for everyone to know. We debated waiting, but I want to be able to enjoy every possible minute of this fabulous pregnancy, so we are telling :)

So sick

And I feel like a total whiney baby about the whole thing. But I can't help it. So I'm pretty sure that I not only started experiencing morning sickness this weekend, I also came down with the flu. So miserable. I literally laid on the couch all weekend just sick and not happy. Last night I started feeling a lot better. I got my appetite back and started eating quite a bit again. I think that's when the flu ended. Then this morning, right back to feeling miserable again. I woke up and about 5 minutes later I was puking.

This is so not fun. I'm actually leaving work at lunch time and working from home the rest of the day. I feel bad because I did that Friday too, but I'm just so freaking sick. I'd much rather puke in my own toilet than our work toilet.

ugh...

I wanna sex you up...

Somewhere....deep down inside....I'm sure I do.

What is wrong with me?! Why do I not want to jump his bones every minute of every day like I used to? Now? Now I'd be ok with Saturday sex only. And even that sometimes just seems like too much work. Last night we were on our way home from the grocery store and I had sworn that it was only two nights ago that we had sex. He quickly reminded me that it was actually three nights ago and figured out that by me thinking about it, he wasn't going to get any. And boy was he right. I was just so tired! And I'm so bloated and fat and ugly. And my emotions are going 100 miles a minute.

So I'm going to download something here that I really need to get off my chest. Please don't flame me. I just need to put it in writing somewhere so I can get it out of my head:

This baby wasn't planned for right now. At all. I want a baby SOOO bad and I have for a long time. I can't wait to have his child and to be a mother and all that. I really mean that. And yes, I'm absolutely ecstatic that I will be a mother finally and not just "Becky" that is kind of a mom to the girls but definitely not. Then the feelings I have of wanting to mother them and make life decisions for them can actually happen because I'll have one of my own to do that with. But it wasn't supposed to happen right now. We were still going to go to Italy. And to Vegas again. And I have my sister's bachelorette party in July which I'll now be the fat, pregnant girl in a bar with all the young, drunk, hot girls. We were supposed to get married and I was supposed to look beautiful for him. I was supposed to keep my figure for a least a little while longer. We were enjoying being the couple that could randomly go away on a weekend and go out with our friends and have a great time with a few (or a lot) drinks. This is changing our lives. Completely. It's changing our relationship and our dynamic with each other. And it already has. There was no adjustment period or time to warm-up to the idea. I didn't have to cut out alcohol and caffeine because I was trying to be good to my eggies. Nope. Those little bitches decided to take matters into their own hands and drop even though the pills I was ingesting told them not to. And his stupid swimmers that couldn't get his ex-wife knocked up found their way just fine in my body.

I sound angry. I'm not angry. I'm just trying to adjust. I'm trying to understand what all is happening to my body right now and how to make it all work in my life. I'm a researcher and a planner. I read books and take notes and make plans for my life. Now, I know there is a post I wrote about a year or so ago that was all about not making plans for my life and all. But this is a little extreme, no?

I'm just so afraid of all of the unknowns right now, I think.

Mah bellah

Is huge. Nuff said? Seriously though...I used to have a VERY flat, attractive stomach. I used to be annoyed with the girls that even had a little roundness and wanted to have them hanging out. Now I'll have young bitches looking at me the same way. And yes, I'm well aware that there will be really no change at this point because I won't have a baby belly for awhile...but I guess I just want to document as much as possible along the way.

4w4d:

5w5d:

Grandma and Grandpa

We told my parents this weekend and it was the best feeling ever. :)

Friday night we got in kinda late but the girls were super hyped up so they played wii with Halley and Ben for a bit. Rick and I played cards with my parents and we all had a good time. My dad kept commenting how I looked pale and tired. I told him I just had a headache and it was a long week at work. He would know soon enough ;) So then we decided it was time for the girlies to go to bed so my sister took them down to her room with her (they were having a sleepover). Well my dad managed to disappear at that time too. He went down to do some laundry. So we just waited for him to come up and in the mean time my brother filled in for him at pinochle. So I went out to the front hallway to grab the gift we gave them. Very clearly it was a bottle of wine. I told Mom is was for helping us move. She decided (thank goodness) to wait until my dad came back up to open it with him. So he came up and then opened the gift. He pulled out the bottle of wine and they both said thanks. He was going to put it away when I told him there was something else in there. So he pulled out the little package I had wrapped separately. Jokingly he opened it and hid it from my mom being able to see it like he does all the time. Well she asked what it was and he told her it was a teething ring. They both looked pretty confused so I told them that we got them a gift so that they would have something there for when the baby comes to visit with us. It took about a half a second until my mom got it. Then the tears swelled up. My brother told me to shut up. haha! And my dad was so excited too. So we talked about it for a little while and I explained that we weren't telling the girls quite yet until I was a little further along. So then Mom and I proceeded to stay up another 2 hours and talk about everything. It felt so good. I was so excited and she just couldn't believe it. :)

So Saturday my mom, sister and I all went shopping. We were looking for a dress for my mom for Halley's wedding and I, obviously, needed some bigger pants for this bloated belly. We also decided to browse wedding dresses for me. And that was the plan. So we got in the store and found a few dresses for my mom and then there were some wedding dresses right there that I liked. So Halley started looking through them for me and I made a comment about them fitting now but with my ever-growing belly I wasn't sure what size I'd really need. She looked and me and kind laughed it off because she's always teasing me that I'm going to get pregnant. And I looked at her and said, "No, really this time." And there was a huge smile that came across her face. :)

The torturous part was having to spend the evening at my Grandpa's house. Not being able to tell him yet was so hard. He is going to be so excited. What made it worse is that my Grandma was even there too. So both grandparents present at the same time and I couldn't spill the beans.

So Sunday we told Rick's parents. The girls were back in their room playing and us grownups were all eating dinner together. Rick asked them how they felt about being grandparents again. Of course they said that'd be great kind of hesitantly looking between the two of us. Of course then I had a huge grin on my face so they clearly knew. His mom was cute and asked if this is what we wanted. haha! I can't say it wasn't an honest question. But of course we do!!!

So needless to say it was a fabulous weekend!

Realization

It just hit me that I cannot ride rollercoasters at all this summer. Do you understand what this means to me? Seriously! I haven't missed a summer at Cedar Point since I was tall enough to ride. I may shed a tear over this.

Journal

So this is going to take a bit of a different turn than I every expected it to. I was looking back through my old posts and I was such a sad person. I was so beat down and hurt and alone that it makes me sad just thinking about it. What a horrible time in my life. But now, I'm so happy I can't even explain it. I may not wake up with a smile every day (because I hate mornings more than anything) but I am happier than I knew even possible. I've realized why pregnant women glow...because they are so freakin happy! haha!

So I think I'm going to journal this journey. Ha! I kinda like that :) This is bound to get quite boring, but from the very beginning this blog has been for me and my thoughts and feelings...so sorry! ;)

So today I'm 4w6d pregnant. Pregnant. Dear God. I just keep saying that word over and over in my head. Yesterday Meghan said the phrase "baby in your tummy" and I about pooped my pants. There is a baby. In *my* tummy. Holy shit! haha! The idea of that is so thrilling and so terrifying all at the same time. I have this horrible fear that something is going to go wrong. It was supposed to be this easy for us to get pregnant. I mean, we were preventing it and we still got knocked up. So it can't possibly go smoothly. Can it?

Right now I feel stupid for having symptoms when three days ago I didn't even know I was pregnant. I guess I was having symptoms then too, I just chalked those up to PMS. My boobs hurt. They always hurt before my period though. But let me tell you I didn't even realize I had nipple until now. They are so painful. My towel ran across them wrong and I thought I would scream. And they are huge. Is that even normal? My nipples are huge! And always hard. I really hope this is normal and I hope even more that it goes away soon. Thank goodness I have a collection of padded bras otherwise I would be quite offensive to everyone.

My stomach just feels weird. When I'm hungry I need to eat. Now. Or I might eat my arm. And I learned that orange juice on an empty stomach in the morning only causes indigestion all day. I've never had heartburn...until now. Is it weird to have it this soon? Maybe that isn't what it was. But it felt so icky right at the bottom of my ribs dead center. And I had little burps all day. So unpleasant.

I have had a serious headache for about 24 hours now. And I know it's a caffeine withdrawal. I've had them before. I had a cup of tea this morning hoping there is a smaller amount of caffeine in there than coffee but still enough to get it to go away. No such luck. And no exedrine to my rescue now.

Shit! What will I do if I get a migraine?! That's what I need to ask the doctor on Friday. I'm starting a list now like WTEWYE told me to. They said that pregnancy brain will kick in sooner than I think it will. Which for me is horrible because my normal brain can't remember 3 minutes ago.

And the tired. Oh the tired. I could sleep all day and still be tired, I just know it. I passed out last night on the couch by 9:30. I felt bad because Rick was being sweet and watching Bachelor with me. But I just couldn't help it. I was so freaking tired. Speaking of, I could totally take a nap right now....There are couches all around this office just mocking me.

Life's plans...

So the post below is what I posted a few hours after I tested. I was going insane and didn't know what to do or who I could/should tell and all that. So I wrote a private post. I figured I'd make it public for the humor of the situation. So here is a basic story:

A few weeks ago I was super duper sick. I had a bad sinus infection and no insurance yet. So I was all hopped up on OTC drugs trying to get rid of it. Well in the mean time I convinced my employer to let me go on the insurance and I'd just pay their portion. They agreed and backdated it to Jan. 1. Well that is the good and the bad about me being sick. When I was so sick I remember a specific day that I didn't take a pill. I took two the next day to make up for it (but as we quickly learn, that doesn't actually work). So the good part - I managed to get health insurance. The bad part - I managed to need that health insurance a lot sooner than I expected.

So we were supposed to go to an all day drinking bash at Kacky's (our local bar) for the playoff games and an overall fairwell to the bar. I was supposed to start my period the day before which generally doesn't get me too worked up since my schedule has been off WAY more before. But about a week before I had a little spotting. Which for me is generally a trigger to know that my period is coming. But she didn't. I kept waiting and expecting and nothing. I was super bloated with big, sore boobs and some cramping and nothing. Normally how I can jump-start my period is by peeing on a stick. And I knew this would give me piece of mind to go ahead and drink away. So I had Rick go down before me and I ran out to the drugstore (no reason to alarm him when I knew it was nothing). I grabbed a two pack of the cheapies and some Starburst and headed back home. I had to pee as soon as I got home so I headed off to do my business. Literally as soon as the pee soaked through (sorry, I know that sounds gross but really that's what it's doing) there was a plus sign. A pretty dark one. I freaked out for a second but convinced myself I needed to walk away for the whole two minutes. So I went out and set the timer and waited. It actually seemed like it was 30 seconds and the timer went off. I walked back to the bathroom and holy fuck there was still a plus sign. I hyperventilated right there on the spot. How could we possibly be pregnant already? Even if I had missed a day, there was no way it was going to be this easy. I mean both girls took fertility treatments. And we knew he didn't have perfect swimmers. So I tried to think straight for a second. I didn't know who to call or what to do. Rick, obviously, had to be the very first person that I could possibly tell. But what if I wasn't really pregnant? Then I'd still want him to be a part of that whole thing, right? Out of habit I dialed my sister but she didn't answer (looking back now, I'm really glad she didn't. Now I get to see her face when I tell her she'll have a third niece/nephew). I called Rick to see what he was doing. But I couldn't tell him over the phone while he was sitting in a bar. And I couldn't ask him to come pick me up considering he got a ride with someone else so he wouldn't have a car there. So I got in my car and went down. I messaged him to come out to walk me in and this is what I got:

Me: Can you come out and get me?

Rick: Really? Where?

Me: I'm in the parking lot

Rick: OK (But insert eye rolling and annoyance because I had never acted like this before and why would I now when he was watching a great hockey game with a cold beer?)

So he came out to the car and got in and asked me what was wrong. I told him how I had this whole thing planned that I had a cute card and some candy to give him for our one-year non-anniversary (the day we met) and all but that things changed a little bit. And I pulled out the stick. I didn't know what else to do. I figured he'd want proof or something (have I mentioned I hadn't been thinking clearly?) so I took it with me. haha! We both laughed a bit, I cried (obviously) and I was shaking so badly.

Can I just tell you how freakin happy I am? Seriously!

I'm having a baby!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

I'm pregnant! About 3 weeks....I will be absolutely devastated if this isn't real....

What is my deal?!

I'm happy. Completely and ridiculously happy. So why do I have a problem knowing that Ryan is in a relationship? Honestly! Get over yourself, Becky! My cousin saw him out with his g/f (she has no idea who the girl was) at a restaurant with his parents. I then decided to search for him on facebook. He had never been on there before so I figured he still wouldn't be. But, I was wrong. I searched through his friends and figured out who it was right away. It's a girl he went to at least college with. And I'm pretty sure high school. She's not nearly as hot as me so that's good, right? Why does it bother me so much? Why do I want to know so much about it when all it does is irk me? I don't want him at all. Not in the absolute least. I guess I still want him to want me though. As dumb as that sounds. I still want him to miss what he had with me. And now that he's moved on, I'm sure he doesn't. I think that's what bothers me the most. But why???

ETA....

I just remembered how I knew her name sounded familiar. They didn't go to college together. They went to high school together. It was his high school sweetheart. We looked through old yearbooks one time when we were dating and his dad was teasing him with her name saying how much Ryan loved her. Fuck me caring.

All new

That title explains my life. Seriously! haha! Almost everything in it is completely new. And not in a bad way. I actually love change. It keeps me on my toes and helps me always wanting to learn.

I have a new home. I'm not living in North Braddock. And so happy we aren't staying too long. It's just too small for four people to live in. Yes, even though only two of those people live there half the time. We just need more space. I could easily fill that apartment myself. But it's perfect for right now because the rent is so cheap. It will allow us to save money and get some bills paid off before we commit to a mortgage.

I have a new city. Which is obviously correlated to the first new thing. But it's a pretty big deal. I went to college an hour from home, but that was totally different. It was temporary. Always temporary. It was a semester or a summer at a time. This is permanent. And two plus hours away. I have no friends here. Well, no friends of my own. Anyone I'm friends with are because they were friends with Rick first. I'm not so worried about it. I'm a good friend maker. But it can be a little intimidating sometimes.

I have a new family. Well kind of new. But they are more my family now than they had ever been. I'm still learning how to fit in sometimes, but I think that will be true the rest of my life. Especially as milestones come up for the girls.

I have a new job. Which is so far so good. Today is day 4 and I'm still employed so that's good, right? haha! I think it will be good though. I'm actually pretty pumped for it.

And most of all, I have a new attitude. For a long time I hated the world and quite honestly, I feel like I had a little bit of a right to. I know that I created the life I had by choosing the person I did to marry. But you know what? That was false advertising. He was an asshole after we got married, not before. But I'm done with that. Fuck him and what he did to me. I don't wish anything horrible on him but I certainly don't wish him well either. I hope he is unhappy for a little while. My cousin saw him out to dinner with his parents and a girlfriend this weekend. Her explanation of her? "Well she's not exactly cute but she's not beastly." What's that mean? It means she's actually pretty cute but I'm your cousin and friend so I can't tell you that. haha! It's fine. It is. I've got my life and happiness and I don't need him for anything ever again. And that alone makes me happy. :)