Things to remember

Throughout this tough time, I've become amazing friends with a few people I really wasn't expecting to. It's been an extremely pleasant surprise and they are definitely relationships I'd love to keep for a very long time. I was confiding in someone this morning about an email Ryan sent me and just dumping my thoughts and feelings on her and this is something she sent back. I wanted to put it here so I can go back and look at it often. It really means a lot to me.

I can't tell you how much both *** and I have changed in the time we've been together, but it didn't happen during the good times--it happened when we were both up front with each other about it. That's why I urge you to lay it out on the table, take all of the time that you need to understand how this all happened and really identify the issues and how you both fit into it. Even if you don't end up staying together, those will be very valuable lessons to carry forward, because as you know we're attracted to a particular type of person and it's so easy to fall into the same ruts if you don't learn something.

Another Daily Thought

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Victor E. Frankl

Finding my reason...

I was able to talk to Ryan last night. He called me about 3 hours after he got home. His parents were there when he got home, which I definitely think is a good thing. They aren’t on either of our sides. They are just trying to stay relatively neutral over the whole thing. He told me they wanted me to know they aren’t mad at me. I’m happy about that. In fact, his mom actually told me yesterday she would have been gone a long time ago.

He apologized to me last night. Sincerely. And that hasn’t happened in, I honestly don’t know how long. He didn’t ask me to come home. He said he knows it will take more than words and a question. He knows it’s going to take work and time. I told him how broken I am right now. I told him that I have so many emotions toward him right now that I feel like I can’t even see straight.

It felt good to tell him I’m angry at him. I’m angry that I had to move out and uproot my entire life just to get him to open his eyes to what is really going on.

I asked him if he thought we were too far gone to ever get back what we had and he said no. I was honest with him and told him I don’t have the same optimistic outlook on it. He understood that.

My mom and I got to talking last night. She said something that I didn’t think she realized I was feeling. She knows I want kids. She knows I want to be a mom. And she knows I want that sooner than later. A lot of people ask me if I have kids yet, and I play it off as much as possible saying that I’m not ready for them. When truth of the matter is that I am, to some extent. And I don’t want to keep wasting my life with someone who I don’t even know if they’d be a decent father. That’s why I’m taking a stand now.

We’ll see. We’ll see what the road ahead holds for me. I’m looking for as many open doors as possible at this point. I’m doing some serious soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life so I don’t drag him through the mud in the process.

See, everyone keeps telling me they are proud of me. And that means so much to me. People that I never even thought would get it. Especially women that have gone through something similar to this. What really sucks, is that I was too ashamed to share what I was going through with anyone before this. And now that I’ve had to deal with it for so long inside and I can finally share it outside, I’m coming across so many people that want to talk to me now about it.

They say everything happens for a reason . . . . . I’m still trying to find mine.

Now what?

So, Ryan got home almost an hour ago. I haven't heard a single word from him and I can honestly tell you it's killing me inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect.

My mom and I went over earlier to let Zoey out to go potty and then I decided I should stop at his parent's house and let them know so they could be there for him. I'm just at such a loss. I want to talk to him more than anything. I want to know what he's thinking. I want him to tell me to come back home that he's so sorry and he'll never be able to survive without me.

I feel so lost. My poor Max is downstairs crying cause he's confused and alone and Maggie is up here crying cause she's in a different place and not used to the noices. I know this is temporary no matter what happens, but it's still hard.

This isn't how life is supposed to be. Not even close.

Holy shit

So, um, I moved out this weekend. And I'm having serious anxiety because he doesn't know yet. Here's the weekend:

Friday - we got into a huge fight and it was stupid and ugly and all that and that's when I gave him the ultimatum (see below post) and then Saturday he left early morning for a soccer tournament and wouldn't return until Sunday evening. I went to a family picnic Sunday and had a great time and when we both got home he was just fine. Like nothing ever happened. I decided right then and there that was enough. Monday he left for work and had to go to Wilmington for a golf thing and isn't going to be back until tonight. So yesterday, I packed all my shit up and headed for my parents.

Fuck. Now what? I left him a note on the door for when he walks in. There is no other good way to do this. Honestly. I took Maggie and Max with me. I had no choice but to take Max. Ryan would honestly injur or kill him. And I can't deal with that. And Maggie is petrified of Ryan. When he yells she comes and cowers on my lap and shakes. And she is really attached to me so I knew that would be best. I have to admit, no matter how much Zoey gets on my nerves, it broke my heart to walk out the door and hear her crying. I'm crying just thinking about it.

I'm a wreck at work today. I can't concentrate at all. Hence the reason for this blog. I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what's next. I'm afraid for me for when he gets home and I'm honestly afraid for him too.

In my note I told him this isn't the end all of things. That I still want to do counseling and I hope he's man enough to show up to it. But I had to get out to save myself at this point. It's a slippery slope and I felt myself sliding more and more every day. I needed to be surrounded by people that love me unconditionally and really respect me as a person that has thoughts and feelings.

I have so many emotions running through my body right now. I'm, of course, super sad and heartbroken over the whole thing. I'm angry that he's made me do this at all. I'm feeling like I'm the one who is hurting him more by walking out like this. I just don't know what to feel or think at all.

I'm such a freakin mess.

Ultimatum

I did it, I gave him an ultimatum last night.

I'm actually horrible at sharing my feelings with Ryan and telling him exactly what is on my mind. I'm always so afraid that one wrong word will send him into a tailspin and all hell will break loose. But I've realized, it's already basically like that. And who wants to live hiding their feelings and thoughts all the time? So everytime he and I 'talk' (I use the term lightly) I usually candy coat most of what I want to actually say to him. But not last night. Last night, I told him it's time for him to take the first step to helping himself, or I'll take the first step out of the front door and not look back. Yes, it was harsh, but it got my point across. And it gave me a reason to not go back on my word in my mind this time. It was said out loud, he knows it and I know it, so it has to be done. And it will.

You know, the worst thing about my every single day is how many times I get asked how long I've been married and how my wedding was and if I'm happily married and all that. It's so hard to lie through your teeth. I think I've posted about that part before, but seriously, it's hard! And exhausting.

Flashback

I’m such a nerd! Lately I’ve been writing my blog entries out in Word and taking a day or so to get them just right and then copy and paste them into blogger. A couple of reasons: 1. Then I can quickly add the things I think of when I think of them instead of having to log in, go to the post and edit it (no, not really that much of a task, but hey) 2. Even though I did amazing in the 6th grade spelling bee, I have difficulties remembering how to spell things when my fingers are going a million miles a minute so this ol’ computer here helps me out with that. 3. I seriously have ADD and I’ll start writing a blog then start cleaning my desk off which leads to cleaning the kitchen counter which leads to mopping the floor which leads to rearranging my pantry (yes, there is correlation there, trust me) which then reminds me that I started a blog and should go back to it but I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to leave it up on the computer cause it’s my business out there and I’d prefer only the whole internet world read it, and not my snoopy husband. See, it all make sense.

I’ve started journaling lately too. I’ve been writing things in there that currently tell Ryan and that I want to tell him. I write better than I fight. Sounds weird, right? But it’s true. When I have the chance to sit down and write things out, I can keep my emotions in check. I’m a horrible fighter. Probably because I actually hate fighting. But when we have a tiff or argument or brawl or whatever, I can never say what I actually want to say. I get all red faced and snotty and teary and it never comes out how I want it to. But when I write things down, they do come out how I want them to and I’m able to get my whole point out without being interrupted. That doesn’t mean that he actually reads or comprehends every word that I actually write (or usually type) out, but it means that I’ve been able to get it out. And who knows, maybe he goes back and actually re-reads them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday (who is one of those friends that I didn’t think would stay as close as she has after she moved away but it has been such a pleasant surprise for me!) and she made me realize, that I’ve probably already checked out. See, one of her friends from back home got a divorce almost a year ago. But before they were even separated, she was mentally and emotionally separated about a year before that. I think I’m there. In my mind, I’m preparing for the rest of my life and it doesn’t necessarily include Ryan. Not saying that it can’t, but when I think about having babies, I don’t think of him as the father. That sounds horribly mean and insensitive and for those of you reading this that think I’m a bitch, please know that I’m not. It’s simply the sad reality that my life has become. I’m not saying that there is someone that comes to mind when I think about the rest of my life and me being a mom and all that. But the fact is that when I think of my future with Ryan, it doesn’t include kids. I can’t see him being a good father or even being a father in general. I used to, and it breaks my heart to think otherwise. But when I see myself in the future, I do see me having kids. So I almost find it impossible to see the two futures together.

I was watching reruns of The Real Housewives of OC Monday on my day off (quality TV right?) and they were showing Jeana and Matt and how horribly miserable they are together. Matt even said, “I’d rather be wrong and miserable for the rest of my life than admit that I’m wrong and make myself happy.” What a horrible way to live. And what a horrible way to make the people around you live. Then it hit me…holy shit. I’m miserable and afraid to admit I made a mistake.

I keep flashing back to about 4 months before the wedding sitting in the GFS parking lot with my mom and breaking down to her that I just wasn’t sure. At that point I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married or not. She told me it certainly wasn’t too late to, but I knew that it was either then or never so we stuck with our date. I know it would have been a lot easier to walk away then. There was a lot less involved. But I didn’t, and I’m here. And not quite sure what to do with myself . . . . . . . .

Recap

So here is a recap of the past half of a week that has gone by:

-I worked quite a few hours this past week and got pretty angry with someone I work with for being a little bit hypocritical. Sometimes I think I know a little more than I should and I use that info a little more than I should. But in other ways, I think it's good that I know as much as I do so that I don't quit and murder someone on my way out the door. haha! I really do love my job and I'm so ecstatic that I have this job, so don't take it the wrong way there. But I think it's safe to say 99.9% of the working population has complaints about their job. (I left the .1% cause I know just to be an ass someone would say no. haha)

-Looking back at my weekend of work, I had a great weekend! I had 2 fantastic families to work with and I really think they appreciated what I did which means so much!

-Ryan and I had a pretty good weekend. Well, the parts that I did see him in. Then Sunday we were going to grill burgers and brauts but I didn't want either of those and we needed buns so I decided to run to the store quick. Ryan decided to go with me. I realized while I was there how tasty some cheddar Sun Chips sounded. So I grabbed a bag and he threw a bitch-fit about how expensive those were as compared to another bag of chips. Long story short, it was a stupid fight that made me very angry.

-I'm still working on being positive. It's a very hard, very slow process I think. Mostly I've been finding things in my life to be grateful for. And quite honestly, it's overwhelming how much I have to be grateful for. Unfortunately, finding the things I am grateful for show me the things I'm not grateful for and the things I could honestly be much happier without. A double-edged sword I tell you.

-Side note - the word sword remind me of the word dwarf which I was asked in 6th grade spelling bee and helped me be the 6th place winner. :) No, it wasn't first but I was against high schoolers!!

-I'm really not sure how I've been losing weight lately. I think it's the lack of eating I've been doing. But I certainly don't hate it. The bad thing is that when I am eating, I'm eating complete shit. Oreos and milk, for example, have been a pretty big staple in my daily consumption. Or the iced coffee and donut on my way to work. Horrible! But so damn tasty. Somehow though that scale keeps leaning toward my 120 mark and I certainly don't hate it. I've also decided I'm ok with 121. I don't need 120 and certainly don't need the 118 I was originally aiming for. I'm certainly not a fat girl and I'm learning to deal with the huge thighs and hips I was born with. It could be much worse!

Positive Patty

So I've decided to be a Positive Patty today. I've been reading a little bit more about the idea that what you are is what is returned to you. I believe that in most ways. So I've decided to be more positive. Let's start now :)

Quote of the day

You know how much I love these. And I really liked today's:

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. — Abraham Lincoln

I'm not really sure what to say today. I'm just out of ideas. Monday I spent a few hours in the pool with my mom and we got some good talking time in. She has gotten my old bedroom all ready for me to move into if need be. And she's somehow going to talk to my dad about what dogs I can bring with me (I really only want Maggie and Max at this point). I really do hate this. I told Ryan the other day I'm probably going to move out. He got all pissy handed me his wedding band and said "If it's what you want...." and I cut him off and said "It's nothing at all what I want. If it's what I wanted I wouldn't have wasted the past 6 years of my life planning a future with you and building a life with you." Now, I know that might have been a little harsh because regardless of where my life ends up from here, I don't regret the last 6 years of my life at all. I can honestly say I gave it my best. I've been myself through the whole thing. And though I've started losing who I am a little bit, I know it's easy to find. I just need an afternoon with my family and I feel normal again (regardless how abnormal that really is). And I think that is where my marriage has failed me (I'm trying to avoid saying that I've failed it). If I can't feel normal at my home, then I shouldn't be there. If I feel more uptight being there then I seem to at work, what is the point of going home? And trust me, work is not a place to feel all that relaxed at. It can get pretty stressful sometimes. I want nothing more than to be able to be my complete, normal, weird, relaxed, sometimes childish self at home.

My greatest fear for Ryan is that he will see the truth and the light in this quote too late:

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. — Thomas Fuller

Frustrating

So my therapist's office called and she's now going to be out of the office on Thursday. That's right, the first time I've actually convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me and she's going to be out of the office. GRR! Now we can't get in until August. Some days I feel like the world is working against me.

Oh yeah, and we had another horrible weekend masked by smiles and good times in front of family. Just another normal weekend in the Brown household. :-/

Happy 4th (a day late)

So yesterday was a pretty decent day for me overall. Ryan went golfing with his dad and brother and I decided to go down to my parents and spend the day with them. No questions asked, I was going. He got up and let me sleep in a bit trying to keep the dogs quiet enough. Then he got ready for golf and I lounged on the couch for another hour or so. Then got ready and headed to my parents. Even though the weather was kinda sucky (and the damn sun decides to come out today...never fails), we had a great time. Then I had to get ready and head into work for about an hour or so. After work I headed home and found out my parents were coming over to see fireworks with us. I have to be honest, my heart dropped when I found out they were coming. I knew Ryan would freak out and we could potentially deal with what happened last year. So I called him quick to give a warning and he did freak a little bit. He freaked that the carpet hadn't been vacuumed that day and the house was "a disaster" which is very far from the truth. But whatever. So when I got home I helped him clean a bit and then my parents came over. All in all, it was a really great night. As soon as they got there (as usual) Ryan was in a good mood and was pleasant to them the whole time.

The fireworks were fantastic and then they came over to play cards after and it was so much fun. He's in a good mood again today so yay!

Off to work....

Let your hair down

I did that last night. It started out as a simple night of a few drinks with co-workers and it turned into a fantastic night of fun! I let my hair down, then had to put it up cause it was dripping on me. haha!

Get over yourself!!

So last night we drove by the dealership to see Ryan's new car (he hadn't seen it yet because they had to dealer trade for it and he had to sign papers by the 30th in order to get the 0% financing). Anyhow, so we go to the dealership to see it and as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows about it. He originally wanted to keep it a secret and see when they would notice (yeah, dumb to me too). But I was with my brother when he called me to go to the dealership so he knew and I wasn't all about making it a surprise anyhow so they know. So as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows and he says to me, "Well just so you know I'm not going to be taking people for test drives and acting as chauffeur just so they can see my new car." I'm sorry, dick wad. I didn't know anyone asked to see your new car. And even if they wanted to, it's not like they have cooties they'll get all over your precious f'ing car or anything. They really are realatively clean people. They bathe regularly and respect other people's property. And trust me, you are one of the last people my family is feeling like getting excited for lately.

Oh, and to add to my shitty day...my mom was emailing me earlier and I said that she is welcome to come to Alliance to see fireworks (we go to Silver Park a lot of years) she made the comment, "Well that didn't exactly work out last time." Now, I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but it completely hurt. See, the last time they tried coming up for fireworks Ryan threw a huge hissy fit about how he didn't want people in his apartment and all that crap. So my poor parents planned to come up and we could all do a picnic and everything, and then he ruined it. That's not fair. And I know, life's not fair. But seriously. Doesn't he know what he's doing to me?!

Weird day

So yesterday was a little strange. Ryan bought a car. He really does need one...he went through an entire bottle of antifreeze in two days because his radiator is leaking so badly. His transmission has also started slipping some. So he's driving his dad's car until he picks up his new on Thursday. It was weird because I kinda of pushed to not be on the loan. It was really hard. Not that a car is a HUGE decision, but it's a pretty decent one. I just don't know what the future holds. He's on my car loan. Which is what we had to do in order to get approved, but that was 2 years ago (literally to the day he's getting his - weirder!) and things were a little different then.

I know all I do is whine about this, but it hurts so bad. I can't describe the things it makes me feel. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad, and sometimes even numb. And I don't whine to have people hear me, I just don't know what else to do about it. I'm not trying to be a wuss about it and just sit around and not do anything about it. It simply consumes my entire life. It's undescribable.

This weekend was my brother's graduation party. I missed the majority of it because I had a wedding and had to be here for that. But when I got there, I was glad I missed most of it. Turns out my cousin and his wife brought their 4-week old baby. It hurts to see that. It hurts to see them happy with a baby and on the track I wanted to be on. Now, I know I'm not getting old and my eggs aren't aging and all that crap, but I would like to be where I worked so hard to be right now. Ugh...ok...enough wallowing for now.

A happy note...My daddy sent me these :)