Fantastic!

I had an amazing weekend! Seriously one of the most fun weekends I've had in a long time. Friday I got out of work at a relatively decent time, stopped and got Chinese and wine (it was a shitty week) and made it home by 9. I ate, drank and headed to bed. For some unknown reason I woke up at 4am and laid wide awake forever. I fell asleep about 15 minutes before my alarm went off. Grr. Oh well though! I headed in to work and actually had a half decent day. And by half decent, I mean I didn't want to slit both wrists, just one. After work I headed home for a quick change and to finish packing then I headed up to my cousin's house. She had dropped the boys off ahead of time at Hibachi so they could get our name in the list. We bullshitted around a little bit and then headed over. Here's the funny thing of the story: she was kind of setting me up on a half-blind date. haha! Her boyfriend's friend was in town for the weekend as well and they thought it'd be funny to kind of set us up. But it was super low pressure and really ended up just being 4 of us all hanging out. After dinner we headed to the bar for a drink and then to the comedy club. That was my first time ever going to a comedy club and holy shit! It was freakin hilarious! My face hurt so bad by the end. Every time I went to take a drink I just about spit it out. Then we went back over to the bar for a few more drinks then decided to head home. I then had my official Steelers initiation. That was quite interesting. And if I remember correctly, there is photo evidence of it happening. Oy! We drank some more and watched the rest of a movie (I honestly don't remember what movie. Is that a problem?) Then on Sunday we all lounged all damn day. We watched funny movies and took short naps and had a freakin blast. Kevin made everyone breakfast and we ordered pizza for dinner. The plan was for all of us to head or separate ways on Sunday but we were all tired, it had been snowing, and we were all having a good time. So we all stayed Sunday night too. Rick regretted it this morning when he had to get up at 5am to drive back to Pittsburgh in order to make it to work on time. haha! But it all worked out. Nicki and I slept in a little longer (I'm so glad she doesn't have to be at work til 11) while the boys headed off to work. It was a great time. My cousin is my best friend in the whole world. I seriously want my life to be like this permanently in the next 5-10 years. And no, I'm not saying with Rick. haha! I just want us to be close forever and have our husbands be friends too.

Really, Becky? Really?

Is it necessary to eat an entire bag of kettle corn by yourself? Apparently.

Hard to tell why exactly I'm indulging in this currently. It's clearly not AF's fault. Even though I like to blame as much as possible on her, she was here last week. I guess maybe it's the weather. My appetite has increased ten fold over the past few weeks.

What else is new in my life besides my growing ass, you ask? Well, I have had a marathon of working 3 weeks straight. Not a single day off. I'm exhausted and completely spent. The good news is that it's been extremely productive and I've gotten a ton of contracts out and they've started rolling back in. Which will probably piss my coworker off royally that she won't win our weekly award for quite some time because I've strategically placed these contract to come back evenly spaced out. Yep, I'm evil. It's ok.

I hurt my knee this past weekend. It's nothing serious...I didn't tear or break anything. Just a bad sprain and a little fluid in the knee. Nothing some PT and drugs won't fix.

I also have a confession. I miss Ryan sometimes. I miss the good times we had and the laughs we shared. Winter was always good for us. We were both home more and spent more time together doing fun activities like taking the dogs to the field and letting them run their heads off and even just playing board games together. I'm not regretting or second guessing my decision because I know it's for the best. But that doesn't mean I don't miss the good things and times we had together sometimes too. I think it's hard for a lot of people to understand when I say things like this. They think that if it was bad enough to get out, it couldn't have been good at all. Which isn't true. It just was mostly and horribly bad a lot of the time. We still had good times though. And I think it's relatively normal after a certain amount of time to start missing those things. I think it's why a lot of couples get back together after they break up but most of those only end up breaking up again. You forget the horrible things, remember the good things and already have a certain amount of love for the person so it seems ok walking in. And don't worry, I'm not headed back to that.

Mostly I miss the companionship of always having someone there to talk to. And having a comfort level with someone that didn't look at me sideways when I revealed my stupid little quirks or something.

Just cause

I came across a card I saved that a friend sent me awhile ago.

The card reads: Whatever happens, hold on to these thoughts - you are stronger than you imagine, braver than you know...and cared about so much more than words could ever tell. I'm here for you always.

And she wrote: I saw this card and thought of you, of course. You are a smart, strong and passionate person who can do whatever you set your mind to. You deserve the best always and I know "the clouds will quickly pass" and you'll be on to clear skies soon. In the famous words of Kanye West "Now everything I'm not made me everything I am. Damn, here we go again. People talkin shit, but when the shit hit the fan Everything I'm not made me everything I am.

My friends amaze me and give me strength every minute of every day.

At what point....

Do you realize that your life has been truly blessed to be surrounded by the people you are? This was one of those moments. I have been friends with these ladies since 6th grade. And I've actually been friends with the girl on the far left since kindergarten. I'm so proud to be friends with these amazingly beautiful and successful women (holy crap! we are women!) and to have had them bless my life the way they have. 4 of them are married; 2 of them have beautiful children; 1 of them is not only a foster parent but is in the process of adopting one of the kids therefore she has a 3 month old, a 9 month old and a 15 month old; 1 of them has a career in marketing; 1 of them has a career in college recruiting; 1 of them will soon be working in college administration; 1 of them is a nurse. Honestly, what more could a girl ask for in friends? Oh, and can we mention how beautiful they all are??

All the single ladies...

Or this post could also be titled: Confession.

Being single is not exactly something I'm used to. No, in fact I haven't been truly single since I was a sophomore in high school. And let's be honest, that doesn't even count. I'm going to give the remainder of this post a disclaimer: Please do not take this for me being self-centered and annoying. If you are going to, stop reading right now. Seriously. Cause this is a place I post my thoughts and feelings and you certainly are not required to read them. Anyhow....

I have a hard time being single. It's not that I don't like the freedom it gives me. I love that. I honestly feel a bit lonely. I love having someone there that I can tell about every little thing that happens in my day. And sure I have my friends and family that I can do that with, but it's just not quite the same.

I know I'm a strong and relatively independent woman. But I also know I like feeling like I have someone to take care of me. For me, this is a whole new mindset. One I can honestly say I'm looking forward to finding in my own way. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm feeling out of my comfort zone. But, like they say what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

I'll drink to that.

In an instant

So I was coming over here to talk about my lack of optimism. See, I'm a very optimistic person. I always have been. And quite honestly, I'm the kind of person that can be relatively annoying simply because I'm always trying to find the good in every situation and every person. I also tend to get screwed quite easily for that same reason. I'm always giving people the benefit of the doubt and thinking they only hurt me on accident and won't do it again or they really do mean well.

For some strange reason, I'm not thinking 2009 is going to be any good. Do I think it will have some high points? Of course! Everything in life has high points. But I just don't see it being an exceptional year for any reason. I'm afraid of what will happen actually. There is still a lot of uncertainty in my life and that makes me beyond nervous. I know I've said it before, but I like being in control and knowing what's coming next. I love acting surprised, but really in all honesty I don't really like being surprised. I used to find all of my Christmas gifts before Christmas just so I would know how to react to what I'm getting. I was always so afraid of not acting excited enough and I want people to know I'm extremely grateful for thinking of me and taking time out of their life to not only go out and purchase a gift, but to use the money they worked so hard for to pay for it. And I think that's how I feel with my life in a lot of ways. I'm always afraid that what's coming next will be really disappointing but I don't want people to think that I'm not grateful for life or for the experiences in it so I'd prefer to know what's coming.

Wow. That was quite an interesting little paragraph there. haha! The whole point of this post has now changed though. See, I was coming over here to say how I'm frustrated and I really don't think that 2009 will be a good year and blah blah blah. But turns out, it's ok. See, it's ok to feel down sometimes. It's ok to feel like not every single thing in your life is going to be perfect. You know why? Well I'll tell you. It's because God puts certain people in your life during those times to help you through. And I have amazing people surrounding me right now.

My family is incredible, but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that a few hundred times so I'll leave that one alone right now. I run with a crew that constantly keeps my laughing (and generally keeps a cold drink in my hand as well). And I have a group of girls online that are amazing, strong women. Most of them are going through incredibly hard times in their lives but are all still standing there with a smile on their face and open arms and ears to listen to me gripe. They let me know that I'm not perfect but that it's perfectly ok.

I know that no matter what 2009 brings, I will have great people backing me up. Will there be hard times? Without a doubt in my mind. But I really think in the end that it will turn out ok.

Thanks, Shereen. You don't know how much I needed that today. :)

2008

I’d like to do my year-end review. Typically I hate these kind of things…but this has been such a rollercoaster of a year that I think it’s good to look back on it as a whole. So let's start from the top:

January - nothing too exciting. It was cold and icky (I don't remember that for a fact but it is Ohio and it is a pretty safe bet). My BIL got engaged over Christmas and I was anxious to be able to help them begin planning their wedding. We had also gotten a new puppy right before Christmas so he was consuming a lot of my time as well. Between the 3 dogs, a husband, and a decently busy job my time was pretty well taken up.

February - Ryan and I had been in the house for a year at this point and I couldn't believe where time had gone already. I was doing as much decorating as possible and painting and such. This is also sadly the month I lost my great grandma. Granny was 91 and had lived an amazing life. She was one of the best babysitters cause she’d let us stay up until we saw Mom and Dad’s headlights coming in the driveway. And she’d give us candy and read us books for hours and hours. Every time we’d get to her house she’d holler out to us, “Come in little ones!” And she’d sit and rock us for hours. I miss her still to this day. But I know she’s happy now. I know she’s in a wonderful place with all of the people she’s had to let go.

March – Nothing all that special in March either. The weather was still crappy, as it usually is in Ohio. Things didn’t seem to be getting any better with Ryan and me. I actually found myself not caring one way or another what he thought or how he felt about things. Emotionally, I was just about done. I would cry myself to sleep every night and would only hurt during the day. There were days that I wouldn’t get out of bed and simply call off work. I’d get up and get dressed enough so that by the time Ryan got home he’d never know that I hadn’t gotten up. I was extremely depressed and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I begged and begged to go to marriage counseling but he only poo-pooed the idea.

April – Well, I started this thing. haha! This was kind of a way for me to get my feelings out without having to worry too much about Ryan finding a journal or something. I know, seems funny to “hide” my thoughts and feelings on the *world*wide*web* but it was true. I went to a therapist by myself to rescue myself. I was drowning slowly completely losing sight of which end was up. I was alienating myself from my family and totally losing all of my friends. I was so hurt and so alone. At the end of my first counseling session I was told that we would either get Ryan in there with me, or we’d get me out of the horrible situation. Who would know for sure that I would end up where I am now…

May – At the beginning of the month a friend of mine let me know she’d be leaving her current position and encouraged me to get my resume to her stat. Good thing I did. After several interviews I got the job :) It is certainly an amazing stepping stone for me with some great networking opportunities. Just like any job, it has its ups and downs. But overall, I absolutely positively love it. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt to know that I was breaking into that “field”. Ryan told me flat out that he didn’t think I could do it in this area. He said it would be a waste of time and money to try to pursue and I should find a new dream. I told him thanks for being a supportive and loving husband and jack off.

June – It was warm, it was sunny…it was our two year anniversary. I look back and see nothing positive about our relationship. We made it to two years. Two years full of hurt, frustration and anger. Don’t get me wrong there were some amazing times in there as well. But overall, it was a time of stress for both of us. This is the month I finally got his parents involved. I knew I couldn’t handle everything by myself. And I knew (or at least hoped dearly) that I wasn’t just being a big baby about everything that was happening. I needed help from people who knew him better than I did. I had hoped that they would help him understand how he was being and that if he wasn’t careful, he’d lose something very special to him. If only he’d listened to his mom… Oh, and my cousin and his wife had their baby. The very first baby of all us cousins to the very couple that was so financially un-ready for a baby living in a place that is so not safe for a baby. Yeah, cause that one didn’t hurt at all.

July – What a month. Oy! It started out with my baby brother’s graduation party. I missed most of it, but it turns out it wasn’t such a horrible thing because the new baby was there and I’m sure she was as adorable as ever. I started becoming pretty good friends with some people here at work. And one, mischievous Wednesday night I ended up on a boat after dinner. A few beers in I somehow ended up in the lake. After running from car to car with no britches on, I stopped at Walmart to dry my hair under the hand dryer in the bathroom. It was one of the best memories I’ve ever made. I finally convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me. And then, we had a horrible weekend. It was a blowout. So I left. I up and walked out. I was done with the bullshit and done with the hurt. This was the hardest and yet most exhilarating time in my entire life. I felt empowered and amazing about myself for the first time in almost two years. I could make decisions on my own without worrying about being ridiculed and belittled.

August – This month was spent finding a reason and myself. Looking back over the entire year, I’m going to say this had to be one of the most challenging but enlightening months of the year. I was living under my parent’s roof again for the first time in 6 years and that was quite the adjustment. While it was a house I had lived in for 5 years, it no longer felt like my home. I was used to running my own household and setting my own schedule and making my own decisions. My puppies were in heaven having a huge fenced-in backyard to run and play in freely. They also were in their cages very little because with so many people in and out of the house, there was almost always someone home with them. I was extremely busy with work though so my time at home was very limited. Ryan and I were ‘dating’ per the request of our counselor and it was horribly awkward. The only way for me to describe it is like when you break up with someone after having a long-term relationship and then you try to be friends after. All of that history and those memories are in the forefront of your mind while you try to act like everything is brand new with this person. It just doesn’t usually work. It is safe for me to say now, but by this time I had already made up my mind on what was going to happen in the future. I knew deep in my heart that they scaring was too deep and too much to turn the situation around and make it good again. In my heart I knew, but I wasn’t quite ready to let the world in on it yet. I needed some more time to be 100% sure. I was working on finding a new balance for my life and struggling with the changes that were happening. I was also realizing that the things that were changing were huge, huge things and the entire future I had planned at one point was no more. I had a homework assignment from our counselor that gave me so much more insight than I had ever planned. For the first time in a very long time in our relationship I was open and honest with every single answer and I didn’t worry about how Ryan felt about what I was saying. I needed to get a lot of things off my chest and that helped me do it.

September – Looking back, I don’t remember a whole lot about this month. Nothing spectacular happened. I looked for an apartment and found some cute ones, but I ended up holding off on that (clearly) for a little bit. Otherwise, nothing really all that amazing happened to my knowledge.

October – Best month of the year. Hands down. Now, this could be because it was my ‘golden birthday’ month and I had one of the best birthday celebrations ever. The month as a whole started out a little rough. I had certainly made up my decision in my mind and was struggling portraying that to the appropriate people. I felt like I was drowning again and knew that I needed to remedy that. I came to some amazing realizations of how planning my life had clearly not worked and I was planning on stopping planning. haha! Seriously though, I decided to just keep dreaming and working towards end goals as opposed to the day-to-day planning I’m so familiar and comfortable with. My birthday weekend was so completely fantastic it will be hard to beat from here on out. I had dinner Friday night, went dancing Friday night, had breakfast Saturday morning, left work relatively early Saturday, went out with friends Saturday night, went to breakfast late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon consisted of a cookout with new friends and then Sunday night was a haunted house. Really, what more could a girl ask for?

November – I did it. I finally told Ryan flat out that it was completely over for me. I was done trying and done working at it. I had worked myself to death trying to fix what I clearly couldn’t and unfortunately all of that wasted energy was all I had in me. I came up with three goals for myself of what I’d like to happen within the next 5 years of my life:
1. Move the hell outta here. Get out of Ohio and find an amazing life somewhere else
2. Make another wise career move
3. Get my master’s degree
Of course being a girl also makes me hope to find love at some point. I’m certainly not rushing into anything, but I would like to hopefully have a decent prospect in the not too distant future. And I’m thinking 5 years seems relatively reasonable to find such prospect.

December – I’m not going to lie, the holidays were a little rough for me. This was the first time since I’ve been in high school that I was actually single for the holidays. I’ve had a boyfriend or fiancé or husband every single year since I was in 10th grade. It was kinda strange. What was even harder is going to the church I was married in for Christmas Eve service. I stayed in the middle of the pack of my family and just laid as low as possible. The month for me has been spent with family and friends old and new. In fact, last night I went to dinner with 6 of my friends from middle school and high school. I honestly can’t believe that I would still know and be friends with all of these amazing women. And it just reminds me to live for every moment I’m given. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given and I have absolutely no regrets in life. I’m thankful for the supportive and loving family God has blessed me with and I would chance that for the world. Of course I have my tiffs with them, but there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that every single one of them would take a bullet for me as would I for them. I have a wide range of friends that make me laugh and feel good on a daily basis. If it weren’t for the sequence of events I’ve had during the past 25 years of my life, good and bad, I wouldn’t be where I am. Sure I have “what if” moments. Who doesn’t? But I know I am who I am based on going through what I’ve gone through.

After all – it is what it is.