Open letter to anyone with a penis that may potentially think you could possibly some day have interest in dating me:

Dear Boys,

If you could all please stop liking me so much, my life would be much easier. I'm not saying I'm not flattered that you think I'm attractive and that you enjoy my company and all. But I'm perfectly ok with you only enjoying my friendship. And trust me, there is probably something about me that you will absolutely hate given time. I'm really not that great most of the time. I have gross habits like picking scabs on my head and eczema that covers my body and makes me all icky and itchy. I get really cranky when things don't go my way. Please, just be my friend.

Thank you,

The Ungrateful Bitch