Been awhile

So it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Not a whole lot and so much is going on in my life right now. Work has been so hard on my lately. I've really been struggling financially and I've been working just has hard, if not harder, than I ever have. I feel like everything is so close to it's breaking point right now and I'm so afraid I won't be ready or see it coming soon enough.

I know I want to move but I really don't know where or when for sure. A lot of that stress is because of the relationship I'm in right now. And don't get me wrong, I know I've only brought it on myself. Rick encourages me to go wherever my heart leads me to go. There is no pressure from him at all to move to Pittsburgh. He has offered that if I decide to move there I'm absolutely welcome to live with him or he'll help me find a place. But if it's not the right place for me to go, then he completely understands.

The problem I'm having with the whole thing right now is honestly how much I want to be with him. Part of me is completely and utterly freaked out by the entire thing. I definitely didn't plan and certainly didn't think I could find someone and fall in love like this as soon as I did. He's an absolutely amazing guy. I've never been so happy with someone and wanted to share so much of my life with someone. But I'm afraid it's too soon for me. I'm afraid I need to live more of my life. And then it scares me to let him go.

I honestly think the whole "If it's meant to be, it will happen" kind of thing is a little bullshit. I look at that along the same lines as telling a bride it's lucky if it rains on your wedding day. Basically it was made up to make someone feel better when they were going through a tough time. Relationships are work. And anyone that disagrees with me is in for a rude awakening at some point. I have no idea where my life is headed at this point. It freaks me the fuck out. Honestly.

And I know I'm doing this whole no planning thing. But I at least need some sort of direction. There are so many unknowns and uncertainties in my life right now that I feel so confused and scared. When I'm with Rick I feel so safe and comforted. But when I'm here and he's there, I'm scared and uncertain. I don't know if that's a "sign" or if that's me being stupid and afraid to be alone.

Please don't flame me and be mean to me about this. The last thing I need are more critics in my life. I'm surrounded by them for a least 9 hours a day and quite honestly, I can't handle any more. I'll happily accept sound advice and thoughts. Or maybe you think I need a good talking-to. Go for it. But I'll decide what information I keep and what I discard. Because quite honestly, it's my right to do so.

I've decided to just have as much fun as possible right now. I'll be leaving for Vegas in 9 days and I can't wait to go. I need a break from Ohio and from the bullshit that happens here. And what better place to go than the only place with absolutely no rules whatsoever? What happens there stays there, right? Maybe I'll just stay there too. haha!