Download

I have to download all of the thoughts running through this head of mine. I'm going insane slowly but surely by trying to keep everything straight. Mostly I've tried to keep it all in there because some of it I'm afraid to let out for fear that it may be true and because I'm afraid someone may find out some of the things I think/feel. But that isn't healthy. I know that. And I tend to do this to myself every so often. But I'm close to exploding right now and I have to get it out. Yes, I'm at work and yes, I have a ton of work to do. But I can't concentrate on a single thing right now. My mind keeps wandering and I'm completely useless unless I take care of this. So here goes. In all it's randomness:



Finances - They are the first and last thing I think about on a daily basis. There isn't a two week period that has gone by that I haven't over drafted my account. I just can't make ends meet. This will be the first time in literally months that I haven't had that happen. I finally got a somewhat decent paycheck and I can actually pay my bills. Amazing how that works, isn't it? I just can't get ahead though. Every time I think things will look up, they take a turn for the worse. Something unexpected comes up that I have to pay for and I can't make it happen. I spend no extra money on anything frivolous at all. I have a boyfriend that pays for everything for me (even gas sometimes), I'm working a very part-time second job at my uncle's gym just to pay for toilet paper and groceries (no sarcasm at all, that's dead serious), I eat the free disgusting meals at work as often as possible, I do my laundry at my parent's house for free, and anything else I can make happen. There is nothing else I can cut out to make things cheaper for myself. I'm getting free cable so I can't cut that. My only phone and point of contact is my cell phone so I can't cut that. I don't have internet. My only utility is electric and that only runs about $50-$60/month. My rent is ridiculously cheap. I pay the minimums on my student loans (when I can even do that much). Any trips I make to Pittsburgh Rick pays for the gas for me to get there and all of my expenses while I'm there. I don't get my hair cut, I don't get my nails done, I don't pay to eat out, I don't buy any new clothes or anything like that, I DON'T DO ANYTHING!!! And I can't get anywhere. I can't pick up a second job because I work too many hours at my current job and yet I can't get a full paycheck here because other people are slacking and affecting my paycheck. It's all quite frustrating so let's just move on. This dead horse is beaten silly.



Work - Probably the main source of even my financial problems. I love, love, love what I do. I have a fabulous position and I can't tell you how much I love it. But that doesn't mean I love where I work or who I work with. It's just frustrating sometimes watching some people skate by doing little or nothing with no consequences whatsoever while the rest of us then have to pick up the slack and are called out for things we have no control over and most of the time aren't even our responsibilities. I know the economy is affecting everyone right now and I know I should be grateful at all to even have a job. But some days it's very hard to be grateful when you are getting smacked on the hand or ridiculed for doing your best on a daily basis.



Family - I love my family dearly. More than I could ever express. But dear lord they exhaust me sometimes. My grandma is in the hospital right now. Nothing serious - she had a double knee replacement yesterday - but that doesn't mean I don't worry about her. She's the only grandma I've got left and even though that woman can send me over the edge faster than anyone else in my life, I love her so very, very much. I know I won't have her forever, but for a little longer would be quite nice. My parents really are great. They care so much about me and I know they are proud of me. They remind me that all the time and thank goodness. Some days it's exactly what I need to hear to keep moving forward. And quite honestly, lately they've been nothing but fabulous. They haven't nagged or bugged or pryed or complained or anything. It's been fabulous and I've never felt closer to them. We are throwing them a surprise 30th anniversary party next Friday. I'm actually really excited about it and I'm pretty sure they still know nothing about it. We've done pretty well at throwing them off and with Grandma's surgery they've been pretty distracted overall. I really hope we can pull the surprise off :) I just wish I had a bigger budget to do something a little more fabulous. Oh well, I'm sure they'll say they loved every bit anyhow.



Love - I'm so in love. So, so, so in love. It's hit me really hard. I resisted for quite awhile and actually did very well. I've been relatively guarded and have made very smart decisions for myself. I'm quite proud actually. I'm clearly not new to this love thing. I mean, I was married. haha! I think my experiences and Rick's experiences have made us love and appreciate each other so much more. He is so good to me. I can't even begin to explain how happy he makes me. He is at the front of my thoughts every single moment. He's patient and kind and understanding. He listens to me and genuinely cares about my every feeling. He loves my family and is so sweet to them. They love him and that means so much more after what I went through with my marriage.


Counselor - I'm a counselor to anyone and everyone. It's one of my favorite things about myself and one of my least favorite things. I'm so glad that people feel safe coming to me with their problems. And I'm so glad that they view me as a trustworthy person to talk with and an opinion they respect. However, sometimes it's just too much. Example? My aunt last night unloaded on me that she's probably leaving my uncle. Ugh. Now, I know that I'm the only one in our family that has gotten a divorce and that no one else on that side of the family is exactly open to sharing their feelings and thoughts with each other for fear it's not within the general consensus of a 'good thing' or 'acceptable' but still, why me? This is not something I want to have to deal with and certainly not a secret I want to keep right now. I'm so proud of her for finally standing up for herself. It's something we all kind of saw coming for awhile and something that needs to happen, but I really don't have the energy, time or patience for this right now. And all that does is make me feel horribly guilty that I'd wish her off on someone else.


Secrets - oh the secrets. I've kept so many secrets all my life. In fact, I have a hugely horrible secret that I've only shared with 3 people in my entire life. And honestly, it's a secret that hurts me and has absolutely had an impact and affect on my life. Sometimes I feel that I'm at the very brink of busting it out and just telling everyone because it consumes my thoughts. But then I think about how that could change so many peoples' lives around me and how it's best I just keep it inside. In case you couldn't tell, I'm at that point right now. Which is why I'm bringing it up. To remind myself that all it would do is harm and no good to anyone in any way. So shut it and suck it up.


Moving - I'm planning on moving very soon. As soon as I can get a few other things in order. Mostly one big thing. But that will come with time and perseverance I suppose. As a friend told me not too long ago, you have to pay into a really sucky one to get a really amazing great one after. I'm still paying right now and I have faith that my amazing one will come soon. I hope...


Physical - I don't take care of myself. At all. I'm probably not very healthy. I don't eat a balanced diet and I know that I don't get the correct vitamins in my body that it needs. The worst thing about it? I don't care or have enough energy to change it even though I know I should.


Babies - I'm so surrounded by babies. No matter what I do. And they are on my brain. Please get them off my brain. This is not a good time to want a baby. I'm so stupid.


Love - have I mentioned I'm in love? Yeah, I am. :)


Depression - No matter how great things are going in some aspects of my life (see above) I'm still in a depression right now. I fight it very well almost every day. But there are times that it completely and utterly grabs hold and just won't let go. Last night was one of those nights. I cried and sobbed and cried and snotted and cried. It makes me feel very selfish and ungrateful for the blessings I have in my life. Which actually makes me more depressed.


Curious - I'm not going to lie, sometimes I'm curious about Ryan's life. I wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me or hates me or anything at all. Strange, I know.


I think all these things tie in together pretty well to create one big mess. There are things that cross my mind sometimes that I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I miss my house so much. Even though I felt so much pain in that house from my relationship, I miss it. I picked it out, I decorated it, I absolutely loved it. It's silly for me to even miss it because it's long gone and the life that I left it with was horrible for me. But sometimes I'll see something that would have looked fabulous in my kitchen or I will have some family over and give anything to have my huge dining room table back. Silly, small things but they all play in together somehow.


Hm, I thought this would make me feel better than it actually did.