Positive Patty

So I've decided to be a Positive Patty today. I've been reading a little bit more about the idea that what you are is what is returned to you. I believe that in most ways. So I've decided to be more positive. Let's start now :)

Quote of the day

You know how much I love these. And I really liked today's:

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. — Abraham Lincoln

I'm not really sure what to say today. I'm just out of ideas. Monday I spent a few hours in the pool with my mom and we got some good talking time in. She has gotten my old bedroom all ready for me to move into if need be. And she's somehow going to talk to my dad about what dogs I can bring with me (I really only want Maggie and Max at this point). I really do hate this. I told Ryan the other day I'm probably going to move out. He got all pissy handed me his wedding band and said "If it's what you want...." and I cut him off and said "It's nothing at all what I want. If it's what I wanted I wouldn't have wasted the past 6 years of my life planning a future with you and building a life with you." Now, I know that might have been a little harsh because regardless of where my life ends up from here, I don't regret the last 6 years of my life at all. I can honestly say I gave it my best. I've been myself through the whole thing. And though I've started losing who I am a little bit, I know it's easy to find. I just need an afternoon with my family and I feel normal again (regardless how abnormal that really is). And I think that is where my marriage has failed me (I'm trying to avoid saying that I've failed it). If I can't feel normal at my home, then I shouldn't be there. If I feel more uptight being there then I seem to at work, what is the point of going home? And trust me, work is not a place to feel all that relaxed at. It can get pretty stressful sometimes. I want nothing more than to be able to be my complete, normal, weird, relaxed, sometimes childish self at home.

My greatest fear for Ryan is that he will see the truth and the light in this quote too late:

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. — Thomas Fuller

Frustrating

So my therapist's office called and she's now going to be out of the office on Thursday. That's right, the first time I've actually convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me and she's going to be out of the office. GRR! Now we can't get in until August. Some days I feel like the world is working against me.

Oh yeah, and we had another horrible weekend masked by smiles and good times in front of family. Just another normal weekend in the Brown household. :-/

Happy 4th (a day late)

So yesterday was a pretty decent day for me overall. Ryan went golfing with his dad and brother and I decided to go down to my parents and spend the day with them. No questions asked, I was going. He got up and let me sleep in a bit trying to keep the dogs quiet enough. Then he got ready for golf and I lounged on the couch for another hour or so. Then got ready and headed to my parents. Even though the weather was kinda sucky (and the damn sun decides to come out today...never fails), we had a great time. Then I had to get ready and head into work for about an hour or so. After work I headed home and found out my parents were coming over to see fireworks with us. I have to be honest, my heart dropped when I found out they were coming. I knew Ryan would freak out and we could potentially deal with what happened last year. So I called him quick to give a warning and he did freak a little bit. He freaked that the carpet hadn't been vacuumed that day and the house was "a disaster" which is very far from the truth. But whatever. So when I got home I helped him clean a bit and then my parents came over. All in all, it was a really great night. As soon as they got there (as usual) Ryan was in a good mood and was pleasant to them the whole time.

The fireworks were fantastic and then they came over to play cards after and it was so much fun. He's in a good mood again today so yay!

Off to work....

Let your hair down

I did that last night. It started out as a simple night of a few drinks with co-workers and it turned into a fantastic night of fun! I let my hair down, then had to put it up cause it was dripping on me. haha!

Get over yourself!!

So last night we drove by the dealership to see Ryan's new car (he hadn't seen it yet because they had to dealer trade for it and he had to sign papers by the 30th in order to get the 0% financing). Anyhow, so we go to the dealership to see it and as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows about it. He originally wanted to keep it a secret and see when they would notice (yeah, dumb to me too). But I was with my brother when he called me to go to the dealership so he knew and I wasn't all about making it a surprise anyhow so they know. So as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows and he says to me, "Well just so you know I'm not going to be taking people for test drives and acting as chauffeur just so they can see my new car." I'm sorry, dick wad. I didn't know anyone asked to see your new car. And even if they wanted to, it's not like they have cooties they'll get all over your precious f'ing car or anything. They really are realatively clean people. They bathe regularly and respect other people's property. And trust me, you are one of the last people my family is feeling like getting excited for lately.

Oh, and to add to my shitty day...my mom was emailing me earlier and I said that she is welcome to come to Alliance to see fireworks (we go to Silver Park a lot of years) she made the comment, "Well that didn't exactly work out last time." Now, I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but it completely hurt. See, the last time they tried coming up for fireworks Ryan threw a huge hissy fit about how he didn't want people in his apartment and all that crap. So my poor parents planned to come up and we could all do a picnic and everything, and then he ruined it. That's not fair. And I know, life's not fair. But seriously. Doesn't he know what he's doing to me?!

Weird day

So yesterday was a little strange. Ryan bought a car. He really does need one...he went through an entire bottle of antifreeze in two days because his radiator is leaking so badly. His transmission has also started slipping some. So he's driving his dad's car until he picks up his new on Thursday. It was weird because I kinda of pushed to not be on the loan. It was really hard. Not that a car is a HUGE decision, but it's a pretty decent one. I just don't know what the future holds. He's on my car loan. Which is what we had to do in order to get approved, but that was 2 years ago (literally to the day he's getting his - weirder!) and things were a little different then.

I know all I do is whine about this, but it hurts so bad. I can't describe the things it makes me feel. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad, and sometimes even numb. And I don't whine to have people hear me, I just don't know what else to do about it. I'm not trying to be a wuss about it and just sit around and not do anything about it. It simply consumes my entire life. It's undescribable.

This weekend was my brother's graduation party. I missed the majority of it because I had a wedding and had to be here for that. But when I got there, I was glad I missed most of it. Turns out my cousin and his wife brought their 4-week old baby. It hurts to see that. It hurts to see them happy with a baby and on the track I wanted to be on. Now, I know I'm not getting old and my eggs aren't aging and all that crap, but I would like to be where I worked so hard to be right now. Ugh...ok...enough wallowing for now.

A happy note...My daddy sent me these :)