My weight

So I have this problem. I forget to eat. All the time. Well, not all the time, but all the time when I'm busy. I have litereally gone for 2 days and have forgotten to eat. When I got married in June of 2006 I weighed 110 lbs. That's sick. I should never have been that skinny. But I graduated from college a month before and started a new job the week before. Between all of that and the stress of the wedding and moving into a new apartment the day before, I forgot to eat a lot. After I got married I porked up. Quite a bit actually. At one point I was 130. Yikes! My weight fluctuates a lot though on a daily basis. I've been known to weight myself hourly just to see where I am and it's been proven that a good poop can make me lose 2 pounds. 2 pounds! Crazy! Anyhow, so lately I've been stressed. Between my home life and my work life things have been in absolutely turmoil and just busy. The other night I was down in my sister's room and decided to weigh myself on her scale. Now, when I was at home we had a scale in the bathroom so I'd weigh myself every morning and usually every night. (Twice in the morning - before and after the morning pee...it's fun, you should do it) When I left, I weighed an average of 125 lbs. I hopped on Halley's scale and the number said 114. Holy crap! Where did that come from?? I was convinced that it was just her scale and that it was accurate. I happened to be going to Ryan's the next day so I decided to try myself on my scale there. Yep, it said 117. And what's more is that I had on jeans a sweatshirt and tennis shoes. Which can sadly all account for almost 3 lbs.

What's bad right now is that I don't feel I look as skinny as I did 2 years ago. Then, I knew I was too skinny and I needed to put on a few pounds. 118 should be my low. But I've been scaring myself lately because I thought I was easily 125 when really I was 114. I've noticed a double chin and I think my cheeks at my jaw line have looked rather fatty lately too. There are parts of me that I know I've lost weight recently. The bossoms for example. Small enough but dear god I think I lose 2 lbs a day with how those stupid things seem to be shrinking. None of my bras fit right now and it completely sucks and is annoying.

I guess the reason for me blogging this is so I have a reminder to myself. Eat. Even if your stomach isn't growling, even if you forget if you have or haven't eaten yet today, eat. If it's any time around noon or 6pm, it's probably time to eat. I'm going to be extremely busy come this next month with a ton of weddings and some other events.

Anyhow, no comments needed from anyone this is simply for myself and to remind myself that my double chin really isn't that bad. haha!

Bad blogger

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's not that I haven't started an entry. I've actually started 3, just haven't finished a single one of them and then I get distracted and then when I re-read what I've written, I've lost my train of thought. haha! Anyhow...let's see...what is going on...

Saturday I went out with my sister. I had a total blast! We went to one place to meet a friend of ours for his birthday celebration. The big 37. He called it his half life birthday which I think is kinda silly. We started there then headed over to the martini lounge. Good fun was had there as well. My little sister got pretty silly that night. In fact, she basically passed out in the car on the way home. haha! In the morning she was on the phone with her fiancee (whom was also recovering from the night before) and he asked her why she got so messed up and her response? "I didn't want to, they kept buying me shots" haha! It was a good time.

Sunday Ryan and I had a good day. Not a good day as in I'm-moving-back-home-cause-things-are-going-so-great-good-day. More like a I'm-finally-being-totally-and-completely-and-utterly-honest-with-my-husband-good-day. And you know what, that honesty isn't what he wants to hear right now? But it's ok. It's actually really good. Because if I can't be honest, what's the point? Why be not honest and miserable and only end up in the same spot I was?

I don't think I can ever get past what happened with us. I honestly in my heart of hearts don't think I can. We were talking last night about how we both genuinely miss the couple we were when we were dating/engaged. Durin the week we'd talk about our entire day, troubleshoot each other's problems and just be an open ear. Then we would go out Saturday night and have a great time then literally stay in bed all day Sunday with each other. We'd order Domino's thin crust pizza, stay in our pajamas and just watch football and laugh and talk and nap and enjoy each other. I miss that. Who doesn't want a relationship like that?

But now, I don't think I can ever be that couple with him again. I really don't. And it truly breaks my heart. I'm not naive enough to not know that marriage takes work. I get that and I think any couple out there that says otherwise is stupid. I know that not every week will be that perfect regardless of how great the relationship is. But I also know it's more than it was.

I quoted him the song that I've been relating to a lot lately. In fact, there is only one line in the song that really means the most to me. The rest of it relates, but there is one line on where I am right now. I'll post the whole song because, like I said, it all is relavent, but the line that I bolded and italisized means that absolutely most to me right now:

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me



It took me a long time to figure out I could run. It took me a long time to actually figure out I had the strength to stand up to him and his actions and make it on my own. But when I really did figure it out, it took everything I had to make it happen. And I just don't know if I have anything left to turn back around.....

On the hunt

I went hunting today. It was actually pretty easy. haha! I found an apartment that I really liked pretty quickly. I did some searching on apartments.com and rent.com and narrowed down my choices from there. Then today I enlisted the help of my cousin and we went hunting. :) I found a cute one within my budget and close to work. So we'll see. My October is going to be absolutely insane with work so I'm thinking I'll wait until November 1stish. But anyhow, I'm really excited of the thought of living on my own. Of setting my own timelines for everything and just learning more about who I am. Of course it's not a huge palace or anything (if you knew my salary you'd understand why. haha) but it'll be home. I haven't told my parents or Ryan yet. That should be interesting to say the least.



And for those that asked, no, I did not write those lyrics in the last post. It's actually a song from Jessica Simpson's new album (yep, I'm guilty of buying the MP3s online. hehe). It was a song that spoke to me so I thought I'd post the lyrics.

Remember That

remember how he told you you were stupid
how he couldn't even look at you anymore
remember how he told you you were crazy
how he got out of the car and slammed the door
he said you cant do anything right
why you gotta make me so mad
just get outta my sight
remember that

when its 3 am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless
remember that

remember how he pushed you in the hallway
just enough to hurt a little bit
remember the whiskey in his whispers
and the lies that fell so easy from his lips
he said he'll never do it again
you can't take it back
the proof is on your skin
remember that

when its 3am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless
remember that

it doesn't matter how he hurts
you with his hands or with his words
you don't deserve it
it ain't worth it
take your heart and run

when its 3am and he's at your door
and he wants you back
and he's begging for forgivness
remember that
when your phone keeps ringing all night long
and that same old weakness gets so strong that you're helpless remember that
remember that
oh remember that

remember you're gonna be all right take it from me i've stood there in your shoes

One forward, two back

That's what Ryan told me yesterday. He said everytime we take one step forward, we take two steps back. The comment totally pissed me off. I'll explain (and don't be surprised if this gets long - I have a lot to say today):

Sunday we were going to take the dogs to the dog park somewhere. I decided to be extremely nice and open and invite him down to my parent's house instead so we wouldn't be limited on time and so all the dogs could play together (most of the parks have size restrictions which means Max would be separated from the other 2). Was I nervous about him coming down and spending time there? Hell yeah I was. But I figured it would be fine.

And it really was fine. He was really weird at the beginning and when we went to pick up pizza later he said he just felt reall awkward. Which was completely understandable and all. But I did have to pry that out of him which I found pretty annoying. Anyhow, so the night went well. At times it felt like things were back to normal. But back to normal isn't necessarily a good thing. I found myself wondering what it was he would complain about later on the phone.

The good news is that he didn't complain later. In fact, we actually had a really good conversation. I realized that even though things may change between he and I, I'm not sure if things will ever be what I want them to be. Let me explain - when he and I got engaged and married, we were young. There is no denying that. I was 20 and he was 21 when we got engaged. And we were married 2 years later. I had just graduated college a month before and even though he graduated a year before me, he was still living with his parents and had only been working for 8 months. Neither of us had really experienced "real life" and had never really had to fend for ourselves in any way. I'm not saying we were too young necessarily because there are couples out there that make it work all the time. What I am saying, is maybe we were too immature to make such a life commitment. We both come from very different family lives and have found that interfering with our relationship. My family is very loud and outgoing and giving while his is much more introverted and considerate of other people talking (mine totally isn't! haha). We never went through anything super hard together. We never went through the stresses of life such as large purchases or anything like that. Our relationship was definitely built and maintained over the phone and email. I'm just afraid that we really did make a stupid choice.

Anyhow, back to the original post - the 2 steps back. So Sunday evening Ryan told me that I should bring one or both of the dogs up when I go to pick my contacts up from the eye doctor and we can have dinner together. I never commited to it and told him we would see. Well, I decided not to. My dad was running coax to the rooms in the house that don't have it and I was going to help him. I called Ryan and told him I wouldn't be coming over but we'll have dinner together Friday to celebrate his birthday (which is on Sunday but I have to work). He got weird and then got off the phone rather quickly. I knew he was upset I wasn't coming up, but I really do have other stuff to do.

So he called me later and I was putting together some shelves so I said I'd call him back. Well I really did forget to and remember about an hour and a half later. I called, and he was already sleeping. So I didn't keep him on the phone and just said we'd talk tomorrow. About 3 minutes later, he called me back and was angry with me. I apologized for forgetting to call, but that's all it was. If I really intended to purposely forget, I wouldn't have called at all. Then he proceeds to tell me how we took one step forward but two steps back. I'm sorry, what? We just spent an entire day together with my family and you are telling me that simply because I chose to pick my contacts up earlier in the day and not eat dinner with you our relationship took two steps back? Now, I know in my head I'm being a dramatic girl in some ways about this. But honestly, I think he's being stupid about the whole thing.

It's not like I ever fully commited to have dinner with him. It's not like he had to rearrange his entire day to have dinner with me and then I cancelled on him anyhow. And if it really was that big of a deal to him, why couldn't he tell me when I called to tell him I wasn't coming down for dinner? Instead, he waited until 11:30 that night to tell me how he really felt.

Honestly, I'm stuck on the whole two steps back thing. It makes me feel that what I do give him and what I am trying to work with isn't enough. And that frustrates me to no end.

One hell of a week

Seriously. The week sucked ass. My weeks start on Tuesdays and it's surprising how quickly I've gotten used to that. Anyhow, Tuesday morning I woke up to a serious migraine. Puking and all. Definitely not fun. So I ended up missing my weekly sales meeting which sucked (and definitely didn't suck in other ways) but my whole week got kicked off to people not minding their own damn business. Tuesday and Wednesday were horrible days at work for me. By Thursday I decided that the people that were getting to me the most, were the people that meant the least.

On top of work, I had a completely breakdown on Wednesday at home too. The whole "just don't belong" thing came to a complete head and I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up yelling at Ryan, which I do feel badly for, but he just wasn't getting it. I kept telling him how I don't feel like I belong in my parent's home and I'm just having a hard time adjusting to any of it and he kept telling me I could go back home. WTF don't you get about it?! I was there! I got treated like shit, I left.

He told me the other day how much he misses me. I told him in response, "I told you that you would." Shitty? Maybe. Truthful? Definitely. I remember one conversation perfectly clear. He flew off the handle about me not folding the laundry in the dryer when it buzzed and letting them sit and get a little wrinkly (something I'm guilty of a lot of times). I told him to chill cause it wasn't that big of a deal and he walked passed the dryer about 6 times and could have stopped to do it (it's in the mudroom off the garage). He told me he does enough around the house and the fight went on from there. I told him plain as day, "You will miss me when I'm gone some day. You will regret every word you are saying and you will really miss me." And now he does.

In one way, I feel almost justified by that. In another way, my heart hurts that he couldn't listen up then.

I'm going to look at apartments next week. Maybe it's too soon, I don't know. But it feels right to me. The idea of being independent and making everything work on my own is what is pulling me that direction. The fact of almost feeling justified in knowing that I can do it on my own and I can be successful and happy and balanced. Another reason for wanting this is to literally have a place that I can feel like it's ok to come and go without inconveniencing my parents or leave the laundry in the dryer a little longer if I want (of course that won't happen with the apartments I can afford on my own. haha! But you get the idea)

As for this weekend - I'm going out tonight! I need to drink off the week and I haven't seen my best friend in forever!

Just don't belong

That's how I've been feeling lately. Like I just don't belong anywhere. I definitely don't belong at home with Ryan. It's awkward and weird there. I'm not ready to go back by any means and no matter how much I miss my huge closet and bathroom, I just can't convince myself that's enough to move back. haha!

But at the same time, I also don't really feel like I belong in my parent's home either. I was gone long enough that it isn't really my home anymore. And my work schedule is nuts so I'm really never there when they are. By the time they get home and eat dinner and are ready to head out to whatever they are doing for the evening, I'm just getting home. And the fact that I have 2 dogs there doesn't help the situation at all.

I've decided to ask Ryan if he would be able to have Maggie live with him again. She's much more "needy" of people's time and attention and I've definitely been made aware of that by my mom. Max is a little more like an extension of Diamond (my parent's golden) so he's much less of a hassle. He's crate trained and actually really loves his crate. He's clearly housebroken and overall just really goes with the flow.

Anyhow, I guess that's where I am. Just not sure where I belong with anyone or anywhere. I know my parents aren't trying to make me feel that way on purpose. I know this is just as hard for them, but sometimes it really makes it harder on me. I feel like I need to rush my decision of what is going to happen simply because I'm taking up space in their house.