So I had a great weekend with a little twist thrown in. On Friday I was up early and at work by 6:30. Ugh how I hate mornings. But I ended up getting out of the office by 4:30 so that was nice. Halley brought Max over for a bit to borrow some dresses then Rick and the girls got there about 7:30 or so. We changed and headed over to the balloon fest. The girls had a good time and so did I :) I'm such a kid with that kind of thing. Food Fest/HOF week is my absolute most favorite time!
Then Saturday morning I actually got to sleep in a bit because I had a decently easy wedding that day. So I eventually got up and got ready and headed in. Rick took the kids to my mom's house to go swimming and then we met back at my apartment after. We all got changed and went back to the food fest for fireworks. When we got there we laid out the blankets and Halley and our friend Kevin sat with the girls while Rick and I went to get food for everyone. We walked around a bit and decided to stop to get hot dogs and fries. As we were walking back there he was. Ryan was there. That was the first time I'd see him out and about in public unplanned. It was weird for me. We saw each other and weren't quite sure what to do. So we half waved and just kept walking past each other. He was with an ugly fat girl. And I'm not just saying that cause I'm bitter. She really was ugly and fat. After we walked past I looked at Rick and said, "That was my ex-husband." His response, "Really, that was your ex-husband?" haha! It was weird for me. And honestly it shook me up a little bit. I was actually pissed that he was there. When we were together it was like pulling teeth in order to get him to be any kind of social at all. Whatever. Anyhow...
Then Sunday we went down to my sister's fiance's and rode 4-wheelers and had a picnic and just a pretty relaxing day. Then we had a softball game later.
It was overall a good weekend. But I'm serious, seeing him on Saturday totally shook me up. And it pissed me off that it shook me up. You know? Why does he still have control over me at all. Why is it that he can still affect me at all? Jackass.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Vegas recap
What an amazing time. Honestly. That has to be one of the absolute best vacations I've taken in my entire life. I had a total blast the whole time. I took very few pictures because neither of us wanted to carry a camera around but I took a few of the room and the hotel lobby and a couple cute ones of us. So I'll share those first then I'll recap :)
This was our room and it was so amazingly beautiful!
This was the main hallway that led from the entrance/lobby to the casinos and guest rooms. It was so incredible
And believe it or not I got very few pictures of us. We looked freakin hot all three nights and I'm seriously kicking myself for not getting evidence. Oh well, I guess. I did get these few:
This was on our last day before we headed out to the airport:
(This one was probably my absolute favorite :) )
And in the cab on our way to the airport:
And on the plane on our way back. Can you tell how tired we were? haha
So here is a basic recap of all we did (mostly just to help me remember in the future. In fact, last night we were talking about the events that happened, and we can't even keep the days straight. haha!)
Friday - We woke up in Pittsburgh at about 4:30 got ready and then hit the road to the airport. We got there about 45 minutes before our flight took off, checked in, grabbed coffee and boarded. It was perfect timing. Neither of us slept on the way out because we were excited and the flight was actually a little rough. We arrived in Vegas, got our bags and grabbed a cab. When we got in the car we said how we were hungry for lunch and the driver kinda chuckled and reminded us that it was technically only 9:30 there. Not like it matter in Vegas. It can be whatever time you want it to be. So we got to the hotel, were completely and utterly amazed as soon as we walked in the door. I freakin love the Venetian. Seriously! So we went up to our room and were completely amazed. Even by the fact our blinds had a remote. That's right, we were the hillbillies playing with it. haha! We decided to head down to grab a bite to eat and then we walked around the pools. And the we had to hit the black jack tables. I think Rick was pretty close to shaking at that point if I didn't let him gamble ;) After some gambling we headed back up to the room to get ready and we were out. We caught a cab over to New York New York to pick up our show tickets for the weekend and we hit a table there. But they must not have liked us. We ended up down a little bit so we decided to go to dinner. Went to Red Square at Mandalay Bay and oh my dear god was it amazing! Honestly! It was so freakin delicious! I had black truffle and lobster fettuccine. I was in completely heaven! Then we went back to New York New York to see Zumanity. Way racy but so good! We both laughed our entire way through it. I definitely recommend it! Then we decided since we went to see a burlesque type of show, we might as well hit a strip club. So we went to Spearmint Rhino. Strip clubs in Vegas are WAY different than in Ohio. You can touch the girls as much or as little as you want. I was absolutely shocked. We had a good time though. It was packed! Then we were both completely exhausted so we headed back to the hotel. We were up for 26 hours straight that day. And it was the most amazing day of the entire trip. We started out with the bar so high.
Saturday we both slept in. We ended up getting up about 1:00 Vegas time because we were so tired and we were on vacation so why not! We got up, got showered and headed down to the pool for a few hours. Then we had dinner reservations at Zafferino's. It was delicious Italian food! So yummy! And we had a cute little table overlooking the canal. :) After dinner we headed out to the Palms to go to the clubs. A friend of mine is a DJ out there so he set us up with some VIP passes which was nice. Cause holy line! haha! There was no way I'd be standing in that freakin line! Once we got in it was fun and all, but not exactly our thing. Or at least not that night. So we each had a few drinks then ditched. We went back to the hotel and actually called it a fairly early night by about 2:30.
Sunday morning Rick let me sleep in while he went downstairs to gamble a bit. I got my lazy butt up and ready and then went down and did some shopping. I fully intended on buying things, but I was so mesmerized by everything I did more window shopping. haha! Then I caught up with him at the tables and we went shopping together. He bought me a pretty new dress to wear to the wedding we are going to and a top that he loved me in. It was fun and it felt good :) Then I was absolutely starving so we got some lunch and then gambled. We went up to the room and got dressed and headed over to the Bellagio. We had dinner at Yellowtail and had DELICIOUS sushi! We also had their surf and turf with yummy Kobe filet and lobster tail. Yum! We watched the water show then hit the tables for a bit. Then we went a saw O. It was good, but maybe I was expecting more than I thought it actually was. I can't honestly say I'd ever want to see it again. And it kind of turned me off a bit to any other of the "traditional" Cirque shows. Oh well! At least now I can say that I saw them. We headed back to the Venetian, changed and went down to the tables. We had a good time filled with watching some of the most drunk, most obnoxious people. Always entertaining :) Then we headed back up to our room.
Unfortunately, Monday morning came. Rick went and got us both coffee and then we took our time getting ready. We packed our bags and went down to check them into our airline. We were able to check into our flight and check our bags from the hotel so we didn't have to worry about them. We made a quick stop in the gift shop to buy the girls some souvenirs and then we hit the tables one last time. We ended on a high note just in time. We caught a cab back to the airport, walked through security, got goodies for the plane and boarded. It was absolutely perfect.
Overall, the trip was completely amazing. I really do love him. He's so good to me. He genuinely cares about how I feel and wants to make me happy all the time. Too soon or not, I definitely am smitten ;)
This was our room and it was so amazingly beautiful!
This was the main hallway that led from the entrance/lobby to the casinos and guest rooms. It was so incredible
And believe it or not I got very few pictures of us. We looked freakin hot all three nights and I'm seriously kicking myself for not getting evidence. Oh well, I guess. I did get these few:
This was on our last day before we headed out to the airport:
(This one was probably my absolute favorite :) )And in the cab on our way to the airport:
And on the plane on our way back. Can you tell how tired we were? haha
So here is a basic recap of all we did (mostly just to help me remember in the future. In fact, last night we were talking about the events that happened, and we can't even keep the days straight. haha!)
Friday - We woke up in Pittsburgh at about 4:30 got ready and then hit the road to the airport. We got there about 45 minutes before our flight took off, checked in, grabbed coffee and boarded. It was perfect timing. Neither of us slept on the way out because we were excited and the flight was actually a little rough. We arrived in Vegas, got our bags and grabbed a cab. When we got in the car we said how we were hungry for lunch and the driver kinda chuckled and reminded us that it was technically only 9:30 there. Not like it matter in Vegas. It can be whatever time you want it to be. So we got to the hotel, were completely and utterly amazed as soon as we walked in the door. I freakin love the Venetian. Seriously! So we went up to our room and were completely amazed. Even by the fact our blinds had a remote. That's right, we were the hillbillies playing with it. haha! We decided to head down to grab a bite to eat and then we walked around the pools. And the we had to hit the black jack tables. I think Rick was pretty close to shaking at that point if I didn't let him gamble ;) After some gambling we headed back up to the room to get ready and we were out. We caught a cab over to New York New York to pick up our show tickets for the weekend and we hit a table there. But they must not have liked us. We ended up down a little bit so we decided to go to dinner. Went to Red Square at Mandalay Bay and oh my dear god was it amazing! Honestly! It was so freakin delicious! I had black truffle and lobster fettuccine. I was in completely heaven! Then we went back to New York New York to see Zumanity. Way racy but so good! We both laughed our entire way through it. I definitely recommend it! Then we decided since we went to see a burlesque type of show, we might as well hit a strip club. So we went to Spearmint Rhino. Strip clubs in Vegas are WAY different than in Ohio. You can touch the girls as much or as little as you want. I was absolutely shocked. We had a good time though. It was packed! Then we were both completely exhausted so we headed back to the hotel. We were up for 26 hours straight that day. And it was the most amazing day of the entire trip. We started out with the bar so high.
Saturday we both slept in. We ended up getting up about 1:00 Vegas time because we were so tired and we were on vacation so why not! We got up, got showered and headed down to the pool for a few hours. Then we had dinner reservations at Zafferino's. It was delicious Italian food! So yummy! And we had a cute little table overlooking the canal. :) After dinner we headed out to the Palms to go to the clubs. A friend of mine is a DJ out there so he set us up with some VIP passes which was nice. Cause holy line! haha! There was no way I'd be standing in that freakin line! Once we got in it was fun and all, but not exactly our thing. Or at least not that night. So we each had a few drinks then ditched. We went back to the hotel and actually called it a fairly early night by about 2:30.
Sunday morning Rick let me sleep in while he went downstairs to gamble a bit. I got my lazy butt up and ready and then went down and did some shopping. I fully intended on buying things, but I was so mesmerized by everything I did more window shopping. haha! Then I caught up with him at the tables and we went shopping together. He bought me a pretty new dress to wear to the wedding we are going to and a top that he loved me in. It was fun and it felt good :) Then I was absolutely starving so we got some lunch and then gambled. We went up to the room and got dressed and headed over to the Bellagio. We had dinner at Yellowtail and had DELICIOUS sushi! We also had their surf and turf with yummy Kobe filet and lobster tail. Yum! We watched the water show then hit the tables for a bit. Then we went a saw O. It was good, but maybe I was expecting more than I thought it actually was. I can't honestly say I'd ever want to see it again. And it kind of turned me off a bit to any other of the "traditional" Cirque shows. Oh well! At least now I can say that I saw them. We headed back to the Venetian, changed and went down to the tables. We had a good time filled with watching some of the most drunk, most obnoxious people. Always entertaining :) Then we headed back up to our room.
Unfortunately, Monday morning came. Rick went and got us both coffee and then we took our time getting ready. We packed our bags and went down to check them into our airline. We were able to check into our flight and check our bags from the hotel so we didn't have to worry about them. We made a quick stop in the gift shop to buy the girls some souvenirs and then we hit the tables one last time. We ended on a high note just in time. We caught a cab back to the airport, walked through security, got goodies for the plane and boarded. It was absolutely perfect.
Overall, the trip was completely amazing. I really do love him. He's so good to me. He genuinely cares about how I feel and wants to make me happy all the time. Too soon or not, I definitely am smitten ;)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
West Bound
I'm headed West. Well, East first to get to the Pittsburgh Airport but then West to Las Vegas. Enthusiastically ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling about this trip. It's a get-away from this place that drives me out of my mind on a daily basis. It's getting out of Ohio which is fabu. It's spending an entire weekend with just Rick (school girl giddy about that one). And it's going to Vegas which I have only ever been to when I was 15 (sooo not the same!).
Bye kids! :)
Bye kids! :)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Been awhile
So it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Not a whole lot and so much is going on in my life right now. Work has been so hard on my lately. I've really been struggling financially and I've been working just has hard, if not harder, than I ever have. I feel like everything is so close to it's breaking point right now and I'm so afraid I won't be ready or see it coming soon enough.
I know I want to move but I really don't know where or when for sure. A lot of that stress is because of the relationship I'm in right now. And don't get me wrong, I know I've only brought it on myself. Rick encourages me to go wherever my heart leads me to go. There is no pressure from him at all to move to Pittsburgh. He has offered that if I decide to move there I'm absolutely welcome to live with him or he'll help me find a place. But if it's not the right place for me to go, then he completely understands.
The problem I'm having with the whole thing right now is honestly how much I want to be with him. Part of me is completely and utterly freaked out by the entire thing. I definitely didn't plan and certainly didn't think I could find someone and fall in love like this as soon as I did. He's an absolutely amazing guy. I've never been so happy with someone and wanted to share so much of my life with someone. But I'm afraid it's too soon for me. I'm afraid I need to live more of my life. And then it scares me to let him go.
I honestly think the whole "If it's meant to be, it will happen" kind of thing is a little bullshit. I look at that along the same lines as telling a bride it's lucky if it rains on your wedding day. Basically it was made up to make someone feel better when they were going through a tough time. Relationships are work. And anyone that disagrees with me is in for a rude awakening at some point. I have no idea where my life is headed at this point. It freaks me the fuck out. Honestly.
And I know I'm doing this whole no planning thing. But I at least need some sort of direction. There are so many unknowns and uncertainties in my life right now that I feel so confused and scared. When I'm with Rick I feel so safe and comforted. But when I'm here and he's there, I'm scared and uncertain. I don't know if that's a "sign" or if that's me being stupid and afraid to be alone.
Please don't flame me and be mean to me about this. The last thing I need are more critics in my life. I'm surrounded by them for a least 9 hours a day and quite honestly, I can't handle any more. I'll happily accept sound advice and thoughts. Or maybe you think I need a good talking-to. Go for it. But I'll decide what information I keep and what I discard. Because quite honestly, it's my right to do so.
I've decided to just have as much fun as possible right now. I'll be leaving for Vegas in 9 days and I can't wait to go. I need a break from Ohio and from the bullshit that happens here. And what better place to go than the only place with absolutely no rules whatsoever? What happens there stays there, right? Maybe I'll just stay there too. haha!
I know I want to move but I really don't know where or when for sure. A lot of that stress is because of the relationship I'm in right now. And don't get me wrong, I know I've only brought it on myself. Rick encourages me to go wherever my heart leads me to go. There is no pressure from him at all to move to Pittsburgh. He has offered that if I decide to move there I'm absolutely welcome to live with him or he'll help me find a place. But if it's not the right place for me to go, then he completely understands.
The problem I'm having with the whole thing right now is honestly how much I want to be with him. Part of me is completely and utterly freaked out by the entire thing. I definitely didn't plan and certainly didn't think I could find someone and fall in love like this as soon as I did. He's an absolutely amazing guy. I've never been so happy with someone and wanted to share so much of my life with someone. But I'm afraid it's too soon for me. I'm afraid I need to live more of my life. And then it scares me to let him go.
I honestly think the whole "If it's meant to be, it will happen" kind of thing is a little bullshit. I look at that along the same lines as telling a bride it's lucky if it rains on your wedding day. Basically it was made up to make someone feel better when they were going through a tough time. Relationships are work. And anyone that disagrees with me is in for a rude awakening at some point. I have no idea where my life is headed at this point. It freaks me the fuck out. Honestly.
And I know I'm doing this whole no planning thing. But I at least need some sort of direction. There are so many unknowns and uncertainties in my life right now that I feel so confused and scared. When I'm with Rick I feel so safe and comforted. But when I'm here and he's there, I'm scared and uncertain. I don't know if that's a "sign" or if that's me being stupid and afraid to be alone.
Please don't flame me and be mean to me about this. The last thing I need are more critics in my life. I'm surrounded by them for a least 9 hours a day and quite honestly, I can't handle any more. I'll happily accept sound advice and thoughts. Or maybe you think I need a good talking-to. Go for it. But I'll decide what information I keep and what I discard. Because quite honestly, it's my right to do so.
I've decided to just have as much fun as possible right now. I'll be leaving for Vegas in 9 days and I can't wait to go. I need a break from Ohio and from the bullshit that happens here. And what better place to go than the only place with absolutely no rules whatsoever? What happens there stays there, right? Maybe I'll just stay there too. haha!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
How's his life?
That's the thought that went through my mind a million times yesterday. It was the date of our three year anniversary. There are days that Ryan doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yesterday, he's all I could think about. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish him to be completely miserable and lonely all day yesterday. I knew he had to go home to the house that used to be ours and sleep in the bed we used to share. I hope it was horrible and painful and hurtful for him. I honestly do. And if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. There were so many thoughts that went through my head on a continuous loop all day.
Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.
Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Totally going to come out wrong
But I have to say it. I know the people that read this blog are the ones I'm going to talk about. So please know that my comments that will be following are not directly about you...more about everyone that seems to be surrounding my life right now from my still-in-contact-with high school friends to my family to my new friends to my coworkers etc.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Looking back
So much has changed in the last five years of life it's amazing. I've been looking back quite a bit simply because Wednesday will mark the third year anniversary of my wedding.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)