Realization

It just hit me that I cannot ride rollercoasters at all this summer. Do you understand what this means to me? Seriously! I haven't missed a summer at Cedar Point since I was tall enough to ride. I may shed a tear over this.

Journal

So this is going to take a bit of a different turn than I every expected it to. I was looking back through my old posts and I was such a sad person. I was so beat down and hurt and alone that it makes me sad just thinking about it. What a horrible time in my life. But now, I'm so happy I can't even explain it. I may not wake up with a smile every day (because I hate mornings more than anything) but I am happier than I knew even possible. I've realized why pregnant women glow...because they are so freakin happy! haha!

So I think I'm going to journal this journey. Ha! I kinda like that :) This is bound to get quite boring, but from the very beginning this blog has been for me and my thoughts and feelings...so sorry! ;)

So today I'm 4w6d pregnant. Pregnant. Dear God. I just keep saying that word over and over in my head. Yesterday Meghan said the phrase "baby in your tummy" and I about pooped my pants. There is a baby. In *my* tummy. Holy shit! haha! The idea of that is so thrilling and so terrifying all at the same time. I have this horrible fear that something is going to go wrong. It was supposed to be this easy for us to get pregnant. I mean, we were preventing it and we still got knocked up. So it can't possibly go smoothly. Can it?

Right now I feel stupid for having symptoms when three days ago I didn't even know I was pregnant. I guess I was having symptoms then too, I just chalked those up to PMS. My boobs hurt. They always hurt before my period though. But let me tell you I didn't even realize I had nipple until now. They are so painful. My towel ran across them wrong and I thought I would scream. And they are huge. Is that even normal? My nipples are huge! And always hard. I really hope this is normal and I hope even more that it goes away soon. Thank goodness I have a collection of padded bras otherwise I would be quite offensive to everyone.

My stomach just feels weird. When I'm hungry I need to eat. Now. Or I might eat my arm. And I learned that orange juice on an empty stomach in the morning only causes indigestion all day. I've never had heartburn...until now. Is it weird to have it this soon? Maybe that isn't what it was. But it felt so icky right at the bottom of my ribs dead center. And I had little burps all day. So unpleasant.

I have had a serious headache for about 24 hours now. And I know it's a caffeine withdrawal. I've had them before. I had a cup of tea this morning hoping there is a smaller amount of caffeine in there than coffee but still enough to get it to go away. No such luck. And no exedrine to my rescue now.

Shit! What will I do if I get a migraine?! That's what I need to ask the doctor on Friday. I'm starting a list now like WTEWYE told me to. They said that pregnancy brain will kick in sooner than I think it will. Which for me is horrible because my normal brain can't remember 3 minutes ago.

And the tired. Oh the tired. I could sleep all day and still be tired, I just know it. I passed out last night on the couch by 9:30. I felt bad because Rick was being sweet and watching Bachelor with me. But I just couldn't help it. I was so freaking tired. Speaking of, I could totally take a nap right now....There are couches all around this office just mocking me.

Life's plans...

So the post below is what I posted a few hours after I tested. I was going insane and didn't know what to do or who I could/should tell and all that. So I wrote a private post. I figured I'd make it public for the humor of the situation. So here is a basic story:

A few weeks ago I was super duper sick. I had a bad sinus infection and no insurance yet. So I was all hopped up on OTC drugs trying to get rid of it. Well in the mean time I convinced my employer to let me go on the insurance and I'd just pay their portion. They agreed and backdated it to Jan. 1. Well that is the good and the bad about me being sick. When I was so sick I remember a specific day that I didn't take a pill. I took two the next day to make up for it (but as we quickly learn, that doesn't actually work). So the good part - I managed to get health insurance. The bad part - I managed to need that health insurance a lot sooner than I expected.

So we were supposed to go to an all day drinking bash at Kacky's (our local bar) for the playoff games and an overall fairwell to the bar. I was supposed to start my period the day before which generally doesn't get me too worked up since my schedule has been off WAY more before. But about a week before I had a little spotting. Which for me is generally a trigger to know that my period is coming. But she didn't. I kept waiting and expecting and nothing. I was super bloated with big, sore boobs and some cramping and nothing. Normally how I can jump-start my period is by peeing on a stick. And I knew this would give me piece of mind to go ahead and drink away. So I had Rick go down before me and I ran out to the drugstore (no reason to alarm him when I knew it was nothing). I grabbed a two pack of the cheapies and some Starburst and headed back home. I had to pee as soon as I got home so I headed off to do my business. Literally as soon as the pee soaked through (sorry, I know that sounds gross but really that's what it's doing) there was a plus sign. A pretty dark one. I freaked out for a second but convinced myself I needed to walk away for the whole two minutes. So I went out and set the timer and waited. It actually seemed like it was 30 seconds and the timer went off. I walked back to the bathroom and holy fuck there was still a plus sign. I hyperventilated right there on the spot. How could we possibly be pregnant already? Even if I had missed a day, there was no way it was going to be this easy. I mean both girls took fertility treatments. And we knew he didn't have perfect swimmers. So I tried to think straight for a second. I didn't know who to call or what to do. Rick, obviously, had to be the very first person that I could possibly tell. But what if I wasn't really pregnant? Then I'd still want him to be a part of that whole thing, right? Out of habit I dialed my sister but she didn't answer (looking back now, I'm really glad she didn't. Now I get to see her face when I tell her she'll have a third niece/nephew). I called Rick to see what he was doing. But I couldn't tell him over the phone while he was sitting in a bar. And I couldn't ask him to come pick me up considering he got a ride with someone else so he wouldn't have a car there. So I got in my car and went down. I messaged him to come out to walk me in and this is what I got:

Me: Can you come out and get me?

Rick: Really? Where?

Me: I'm in the parking lot

Rick: OK (But insert eye rolling and annoyance because I had never acted like this before and why would I now when he was watching a great hockey game with a cold beer?)

So he came out to the car and got in and asked me what was wrong. I told him how I had this whole thing planned that I had a cute card and some candy to give him for our one-year non-anniversary (the day we met) and all but that things changed a little bit. And I pulled out the stick. I didn't know what else to do. I figured he'd want proof or something (have I mentioned I hadn't been thinking clearly?) so I took it with me. haha! We both laughed a bit, I cried (obviously) and I was shaking so badly.

Can I just tell you how freakin happy I am? Seriously!

I'm having a baby!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

I'm pregnant! About 3 weeks....I will be absolutely devastated if this isn't real....

What is my deal?!

I'm happy. Completely and ridiculously happy. So why do I have a problem knowing that Ryan is in a relationship? Honestly! Get over yourself, Becky! My cousin saw him out with his g/f (she has no idea who the girl was) at a restaurant with his parents. I then decided to search for him on facebook. He had never been on there before so I figured he still wouldn't be. But, I was wrong. I searched through his friends and figured out who it was right away. It's a girl he went to at least college with. And I'm pretty sure high school. She's not nearly as hot as me so that's good, right? Why does it bother me so much? Why do I want to know so much about it when all it does is irk me? I don't want him at all. Not in the absolute least. I guess I still want him to want me though. As dumb as that sounds. I still want him to miss what he had with me. And now that he's moved on, I'm sure he doesn't. I think that's what bothers me the most. But why???

ETA....

I just remembered how I knew her name sounded familiar. They didn't go to college together. They went to high school together. It was his high school sweetheart. We looked through old yearbooks one time when we were dating and his dad was teasing him with her name saying how much Ryan loved her. Fuck me caring.

All new

That title explains my life. Seriously! haha! Almost everything in it is completely new. And not in a bad way. I actually love change. It keeps me on my toes and helps me always wanting to learn.

I have a new home. I'm not living in North Braddock. And so happy we aren't staying too long. It's just too small for four people to live in. Yes, even though only two of those people live there half the time. We just need more space. I could easily fill that apartment myself. But it's perfect for right now because the rent is so cheap. It will allow us to save money and get some bills paid off before we commit to a mortgage.

I have a new city. Which is obviously correlated to the first new thing. But it's a pretty big deal. I went to college an hour from home, but that was totally different. It was temporary. Always temporary. It was a semester or a summer at a time. This is permanent. And two plus hours away. I have no friends here. Well, no friends of my own. Anyone I'm friends with are because they were friends with Rick first. I'm not so worried about it. I'm a good friend maker. But it can be a little intimidating sometimes.

I have a new family. Well kind of new. But they are more my family now than they had ever been. I'm still learning how to fit in sometimes, but I think that will be true the rest of my life. Especially as milestones come up for the girls.

I have a new job. Which is so far so good. Today is day 4 and I'm still employed so that's good, right? haha! I think it will be good though. I'm actually pretty pumped for it.

And most of all, I have a new attitude. For a long time I hated the world and quite honestly, I feel like I had a little bit of a right to. I know that I created the life I had by choosing the person I did to marry. But you know what? That was false advertising. He was an asshole after we got married, not before. But I'm done with that. Fuck him and what he did to me. I don't wish anything horrible on him but I certainly don't wish him well either. I hope he is unhappy for a little while. My cousin saw him out to dinner with his parents and a girlfriend this weekend. Her explanation of her? "Well she's not exactly cute but she's not beastly." What's that mean? It means she's actually pretty cute but I'm your cousin and friend so I can't tell you that. haha! It's fine. It is. I've got my life and happiness and I don't need him for anything ever again. And that alone makes me happy. :)

Bigger...Better...Brighter...

That's what I'm moving on to. I just accepted a position at an amazing new company! I've been dying to tell someone the great news but for fear of my current job finding out, I haven't said anything anywhere online.

My official new title will be Office Manager at a great advertising agency in Pittsburgh. That's right, I'm moving to the Burgh.

I seriously couldn't be happier. My life is coming together so nicely it's fabulous!

I have so much to do in the next few weeks!

ps - just in case anyone actually still reads this...please don't say anything on Facebook yet because I need to tell all of my brides first.