That's the thought that went through my mind a million times yesterday. It was the date of our three year anniversary. There are days that Ryan doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yesterday, he's all I could think about. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish him to be completely miserable and lonely all day yesterday. I knew he had to go home to the house that used to be ours and sleep in the bed we used to share. I hope it was horrible and painful and hurtful for him. I honestly do. And if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. There were so many thoughts that went through my head on a continuous loop all day.
Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Totally going to come out wrong
But I have to say it. I know the people that read this blog are the ones I'm going to talk about. So please know that my comments that will be following are not directly about you...more about everyone that seems to be surrounding my life right now from my still-in-contact-with high school friends to my family to my new friends to my coworkers etc.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Everyone is getting pregnant and having babies. Everyone. Seriously. And if they aren't, they are trying to or talking about how they are going to start trying to soon. It's hard. I'm supposed to be there right now. I'm supposed to be starting trying to have a baby soon. That was part of the plan. We were going to talk about starting to try after our third year of marriage.
But here I am, sitting alone at 11:30 tonight thinking about all of the conversations I've had with all of the people around me recently about how I'm totally ok with not having kids right now.
Part of that is true and part of that is a fucking lie. It's true that I don't want to be pregnant or have a baby right now because I want to have someone to share that with. Someone that is over the moon happy when I show him that little stick with the little lines. And the part that is a lie is the part where I want to be a mom so bad.
Anyhow, I truly am happy for everyone around me that is pregnant and having a baby. I love all of the little cuties and I can't be happier for those that have been trying for so long to have a baby. But sometimes life just isn't fucking fair.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Looking back
So much has changed in the last five years of life it's amazing. I've been looking back quite a bit simply because Wednesday will mark the third year anniversary of my wedding.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
5 years ago I was getting engaged in 5 days. Funny thing is I knew something was up because I had read an email between Ryan and my mom about proposal ideas. But I had no idea when for sure it was coming or how. He and I had gotten into an argument about being at that next step. We felt like no one was taking us as seriously as we felt about each other. We knew we loved each other differently than we ever felt about anyone. We could see having children together and growing old side-by-side. Five short days later, he proposed under a tree, in the park, in the rain. It was romantic and cute and not at all the way I ever imagined it - in the best possible way ever.
4 years ago I finished up my junior year of college and was excitedly planning my wedding. I was working a lot that summer at Enterprise and made some great friends and had an overall great time.
3 years ago, on this date, I started a brand new job a month after I graduated. Everything for the wedding was wrapped up and ready to go. We had a very rough patch a few months back in October. I remember sitting in the parking lot of GFS with my mom the night I started my new job talking to her about my future. Letting her know how apprehensive I was about everything and how I was afraid this was more than just cold feet. She told me that only I know how my heart feels but I should trust my instincts and believe in myself. That if there was ever a time to change your mind about anything, now was it. I pushed my thoughts aside and chalked it up to so many changes in a short amount of time. Five days later, I walked down the aisle to the man of my dreams. The person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
2 years ago things were completely different from what I thought they would be. Our marriage was at a horrible point. We had both cheated on each other at that point, were arguing all the time and were both slowly becoming miserable. There was a lot of verbal abuse and I was emotionally drained from head to toe. I was sinking into a very deep depression and questioned my reason for even living. I held it together in front of the outside world though. And even though my mom knew something was up, she reluctantly believed the smile on my face.
1 year ago I'd completely had it. He said I made his life a living hell and thought I was completely worthless. My mom was in on what was happening by now but his parents weren't. I was supposed to be the bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding four days after our two year anniversary and the night before is when our largest fight ever happened. Ryan held a butcher knife to me and threatened to kill me and/or him. I called his parents over to our house because I knew I couldn't do it on my own anymore. We were up almost all night trying to talk it out. I was completely exhausted for the wedding the next day and could barely focus on anything. Ryan came to the wedding but it only ended up in a fight after anyhow. That was the day I decided I was moving out after our next fight. And I did. I moved in with my parents. It was the best decision I'd made in my entire life. I decided pretty early on that it would take a pretty big miracle for me to go back. I was so scarred and damaged at that point I don't think I could have ever trusted him again the way I would need to. We went to come marriage counseling but the entire time I realized that I was a better person without him. I felt like myself again for the first time in a very long time and I liked that person. We filed for and were granted divorce by February.
Today - I'm happy. Honestly happy. There are still days I'm very sad about it. Less about losing Ryan and more about losing the person I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I had a plan, I had dreams, I had worked so hard for something that I'll never have with him. I truly loved him and loved the lives we were planning together. I'm sad that I promised my life to a person that didn't want it. But now I have a wide open future of amazing things to come. I have confidence that some day I'll find someone that loves me so deeply that it will amaze me. And I can't wait to share that with them.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Pseudo Mom
Sounds kinda like a superhero, doesn't it? Well, I could have used superhero strength this weekend. haha!
Rick brought the kids in for the weekend. I had a blast, but I was (and kinda still am) exhausted from my head to my toes. Here's the weekend re-cap with all of the highlights :)
Friday - He got in town with the kiddos about 11:00. They were completely zonked out in the back seat (kinda the plan) so I helped carry them up. My couch pulls out into one of those futon types of things and it was perfect for them. We pulled that out and put their sleeping bags down and they were good to go. He and I crawled in bed and passed out. About 2:30am I heard Gabby crying so I sent Rick out and basically she just woke up and didn't know where she was. He got her back to sleep so then she was good.
Saturday - The kids woke us up by coming and climbing in bed with us. We all laid there for a bit (well, Gabby jumped on us until Victoria discovered my shoe collection and then it was good-bye organization). I got ready for work and Rick cooked us all breakfast. It was nice to have breakfast ready for me in the morning :) I headed off to work and he got the girls bathed and then went to Tuscora Park and the McKinley Monument with them. After my wedding I got home about 10:00 and they were in the pajamas and anxiously awaiting my arrival. Apparently the girls had been asking when I'd get home all day. The bad thing is when I walked in the door it was definitely toasty in there. Turns out my air conditioner broke. Seriously, worst timing ever. So I made a call to my landlord but of course it was on a holiday weekend. haha! Oh well, we survived anyhow! So we put a movie in for the girls and sat at the kitchen table and just talked and had some wine. It was a really great night actually. I had a super long day at work and I was exhausted so it was nice to come home and be able to unwind like that.
Sunday - Well, about 5am Sunday morning two kiddos ended up in bed with us. So not cool on a full size bed. haha! Yes, they are little peanuts but for some reason peanuts decided sleeping sideways on the bed was much better. Therefore, I had about 2 inches of space. I was hanging on for dear life. haha! But then we all got up, Rick made breakfast again (love it!), we got the girls ready and headed to my parent's house. I was UBER nervous about my dad's reaction to the girls. He can be kind of an old man about things sometimes and was super strict with us growing up. I know Gabby and Victoria and I know they don't exactly behave like we had to. When we got there we helped my dad get the steps in the pool and then the girls were itching to go in. My dad was all crazy about when they were allowed in the pool and not and all that good stuff. But the pool was super cold anyhow so they didn't stay in a long time. So we headed back in the house to play Wii and board games and such. Rick and Gabby took a snooze on the couch while I taught Victoria some new games. Grandpa and Aunt Geri came down and we had a good time. At one point Gabby wanted to play with some toys. Well considering there are absolutely no kids left in the family, the toy department is a little lacking at my parent's house. But I knew we had two of the foam disc shooters so I dug those out and they had a blast. At one point I was in the kitchen with Mom and Rick and all I could hear was Gabby giggling from the front room. I peeked my head in there to see my dad playing fetch with Gabby. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It seriously warmed my heart. It was like watching me play with my grandpa when I was her age and I loved it. They were both laughing and genuinely having a great time. Gabby and I made macaroni and cheese together and we were sitting in the dining room alone eating it. She needed a napkin so I got up to get her one and as I was walking back in she looked straight at me and said, "I really like you" in the most genuine way possible. I completely melted right then and there. Later on in the evening we all sat down in the family room to watch the Cavs and the girls were getting sleepy and grumpy so we headed home at half-time. We tucked them in and then crashed too.
Monday - Gabby crawled into our bed about 8 and I was again losing real estate so I went and cuddled up with Victoria for an hour or so. I got up and started breakfast and then Gabby and Rick got up too. We ate breakfast, got baths and headed to the Akron Zoo. It was a good time. That is the absolute perfect size zoo for that age. Just big enough and a decent enough range of animals. After that we headed to my aunt's house for a cookout and more swimming. We swam for about 4 hours and had a blast laughing and splashing. They really are good girls. They listen to me and really do like me. I was really sad when it came time for them to leave. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that said, "Whew!" haha! And sat down and about passed out. They didn't even make it to the highway before they were both completely out. But as soon as they woke up, they asked when they could come back. I can honestly say I already miss them. They are so sweet and so silly.
Totally falling in love with the whole family ;)
Rick brought the kids in for the weekend. I had a blast, but I was (and kinda still am) exhausted from my head to my toes. Here's the weekend re-cap with all of the highlights :)
Friday - He got in town with the kiddos about 11:00. They were completely zonked out in the back seat (kinda the plan) so I helped carry them up. My couch pulls out into one of those futon types of things and it was perfect for them. We pulled that out and put their sleeping bags down and they were good to go. He and I crawled in bed and passed out. About 2:30am I heard Gabby crying so I sent Rick out and basically she just woke up and didn't know where she was. He got her back to sleep so then she was good.
Saturday - The kids woke us up by coming and climbing in bed with us. We all laid there for a bit (well, Gabby jumped on us until Victoria discovered my shoe collection and then it was good-bye organization). I got ready for work and Rick cooked us all breakfast. It was nice to have breakfast ready for me in the morning :) I headed off to work and he got the girls bathed and then went to Tuscora Park and the McKinley Monument with them. After my wedding I got home about 10:00 and they were in the pajamas and anxiously awaiting my arrival. Apparently the girls had been asking when I'd get home all day. The bad thing is when I walked in the door it was definitely toasty in there. Turns out my air conditioner broke. Seriously, worst timing ever. So I made a call to my landlord but of course it was on a holiday weekend. haha! Oh well, we survived anyhow! So we put a movie in for the girls and sat at the kitchen table and just talked and had some wine. It was a really great night actually. I had a super long day at work and I was exhausted so it was nice to come home and be able to unwind like that.
Sunday - Well, about 5am Sunday morning two kiddos ended up in bed with us. So not cool on a full size bed. haha! Yes, they are little peanuts but for some reason peanuts decided sleeping sideways on the bed was much better. Therefore, I had about 2 inches of space. I was hanging on for dear life. haha! But then we all got up, Rick made breakfast again (love it!), we got the girls ready and headed to my parent's house. I was UBER nervous about my dad's reaction to the girls. He can be kind of an old man about things sometimes and was super strict with us growing up. I know Gabby and Victoria and I know they don't exactly behave like we had to. When we got there we helped my dad get the steps in the pool and then the girls were itching to go in. My dad was all crazy about when they were allowed in the pool and not and all that good stuff. But the pool was super cold anyhow so they didn't stay in a long time. So we headed back in the house to play Wii and board games and such. Rick and Gabby took a snooze on the couch while I taught Victoria some new games. Grandpa and Aunt Geri came down and we had a good time. At one point Gabby wanted to play with some toys. Well considering there are absolutely no kids left in the family, the toy department is a little lacking at my parent's house. But I knew we had two of the foam disc shooters so I dug those out and they had a blast. At one point I was in the kitchen with Mom and Rick and all I could hear was Gabby giggling from the front room. I peeked my head in there to see my dad playing fetch with Gabby. It was the funniest thing I had seen in a long time. It seriously warmed my heart. It was like watching me play with my grandpa when I was her age and I loved it. They were both laughing and genuinely having a great time. Gabby and I made macaroni and cheese together and we were sitting in the dining room alone eating it. She needed a napkin so I got up to get her one and as I was walking back in she looked straight at me and said, "I really like you" in the most genuine way possible. I completely melted right then and there. Later on in the evening we all sat down in the family room to watch the Cavs and the girls were getting sleepy and grumpy so we headed home at half-time. We tucked them in and then crashed too.
Monday - Gabby crawled into our bed about 8 and I was again losing real estate so I went and cuddled up with Victoria for an hour or so. I got up and started breakfast and then Gabby and Rick got up too. We ate breakfast, got baths and headed to the Akron Zoo. It was a good time. That is the absolute perfect size zoo for that age. Just big enough and a decent enough range of animals. After that we headed to my aunt's house for a cookout and more swimming. We swam for about 4 hours and had a blast laughing and splashing. They really are good girls. They listen to me and really do like me. I was really sad when it came time for them to leave. But I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that said, "Whew!" haha! And sat down and about passed out. They didn't even make it to the highway before they were both completely out. But as soon as they woke up, they asked when they could come back. I can honestly say I already miss them. They are so sweet and so silly.
Totally falling in love with the whole family ;)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Update on life
OK, so I know I'm a shitty blogger. But I've been busy living life and all. So let's do a random update on what's been going on:
- Busy time is approaching at work. I'm actually really excited because I love crazy wedding season. It won't really get all that too crazy until the last weekend in July. But I've got 6 weddings in the next few weeks that will keep me pretty busy. Which means I'll stop sitting on my ass so much and get moving more. Not like I sit on my ass all that much now, but I feel like it's a lot compared to what it was a year ago. haha!
- Speaking of my ass - it's huge. Well, not huge exactly. But I feel fat and gross. My boobs are totally growing too. I'm talking a full cup size in the past month or so. Not exactly sure why. And I'm not exactly a fan of it. They are UBER sore all the fucking time and I'm definitely over it!
- Boys are stupid. Seriously. All of them. No exceptions. Not all are stupid all the time. But all are stupid at some point in time. Example? This weekend I had one of them go through my text messages. Yep, that's right. He looked through my phone. Fucker. I'm still not done being pissed about that one.
- While I do enjoy the whole dating thing, I'm not so much a fan of the whole dating thing. I'm tired of it by now.
- There's quite a bit I'd like to post about work, but I'll keep that to myself for now. And no, there is no big news but I don't really feel like pulling a Dooce or anything.
- My allergies have been miserable. And on top of that, my eczema has been ridiculous too. My face is icky and I hate it :( My skin is red and scaly, my eyes are watery, my nose is runny and sneezy, I'm just plain miserable.
- There are some days I want absolutely nothing to do after work. And that never happens. I always have plans to do something. I should stop complaining because that means I have friends and family that want to spend time with me. But sometimes, I just wanna chill and not have to deal with anyone. Isn't that why I have an apartment by myself anyhow?
- Busy time is approaching at work. I'm actually really excited because I love crazy wedding season. It won't really get all that too crazy until the last weekend in July. But I've got 6 weddings in the next few weeks that will keep me pretty busy. Which means I'll stop sitting on my ass so much and get moving more. Not like I sit on my ass all that much now, but I feel like it's a lot compared to what it was a year ago. haha!
- Speaking of my ass - it's huge. Well, not huge exactly. But I feel fat and gross. My boobs are totally growing too. I'm talking a full cup size in the past month or so. Not exactly sure why. And I'm not exactly a fan of it. They are UBER sore all the fucking time and I'm definitely over it!
- Boys are stupid. Seriously. All of them. No exceptions. Not all are stupid all the time. But all are stupid at some point in time. Example? This weekend I had one of them go through my text messages. Yep, that's right. He looked through my phone. Fucker. I'm still not done being pissed about that one.
- While I do enjoy the whole dating thing, I'm not so much a fan of the whole dating thing. I'm tired of it by now.
- There's quite a bit I'd like to post about work, but I'll keep that to myself for now. And no, there is no big news but I don't really feel like pulling a Dooce or anything.
- My allergies have been miserable. And on top of that, my eczema has been ridiculous too. My face is icky and I hate it :( My skin is red and scaly, my eyes are watery, my nose is runny and sneezy, I'm just plain miserable.
- There are some days I want absolutely nothing to do after work. And that never happens. I always have plans to do something. I should stop complaining because that means I have friends and family that want to spend time with me. But sometimes, I just wanna chill and not have to deal with anyone. Isn't that why I have an apartment by myself anyhow?
Friday, May 8, 2009
Open letter to anyone with a penis that may potentially think you could possibly some day have interest in dating me:
Dear Boys,
If you could all please stop liking me so much, my life would be much easier. I'm not saying I'm not flattered that you think I'm attractive and that you enjoy my company and all. But I'm perfectly ok with you only enjoying my friendship. And trust me, there is probably something about me that you will absolutely hate given time. I'm really not that great most of the time. I have gross habits like picking scabs on my head and eczema that covers my body and makes me all icky and itchy. I get really cranky when things don't go my way. Please, just be my friend.
Thank you,
The Ungrateful Bitch
If you could all please stop liking me so much, my life would be much easier. I'm not saying I'm not flattered that you think I'm attractive and that you enjoy my company and all. But I'm perfectly ok with you only enjoying my friendship. And trust me, there is probably something about me that you will absolutely hate given time. I'm really not that great most of the time. I have gross habits like picking scabs on my head and eczema that covers my body and makes me all icky and itchy. I get really cranky when things don't go my way. Please, just be my friend.
Thank you,
The Ungrateful Bitch
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
In response...
Thanks so much for your sweet comments to my below post. It really is nice to get some feedback sometimes on certain things.
Mombi asked what I feel so apprehensive about. Quite honestly, I'm most afraid of a few things:
1 - That people will think I've moved on too quickly and that I never entered into my marriage seriously enough and I should have mourned that longer.
2 - What if I really am a shitty girlfriend/wife? Why would I subject someone else to that?
3 - Do I really want a boyfriend right now? Sure I want to be with someone that I'm happy with, but can I give someone enough of myself between work and family that it would be fair to them?
Mombi asked what I feel so apprehensive about. Quite honestly, I'm most afraid of a few things:
1 - That people will think I've moved on too quickly and that I never entered into my marriage seriously enough and I should have mourned that longer.
2 - What if I really am a shitty girlfriend/wife? Why would I subject someone else to that?
3 - Do I really want a boyfriend right now? Sure I want to be with someone that I'm happy with, but can I give someone enough of myself between work and family that it would be fair to them?
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