Download

I have to download all of the thoughts running through this head of mine. I'm going insane slowly but surely by trying to keep everything straight. Mostly I've tried to keep it all in there because some of it I'm afraid to let out for fear that it may be true and because I'm afraid someone may find out some of the things I think/feel. But that isn't healthy. I know that. And I tend to do this to myself every so often. But I'm close to exploding right now and I have to get it out. Yes, I'm at work and yes, I have a ton of work to do. But I can't concentrate on a single thing right now. My mind keeps wandering and I'm completely useless unless I take care of this. So here goes. In all it's randomness:



Finances - They are the first and last thing I think about on a daily basis. There isn't a two week period that has gone by that I haven't over drafted my account. I just can't make ends meet. This will be the first time in literally months that I haven't had that happen. I finally got a somewhat decent paycheck and I can actually pay my bills. Amazing how that works, isn't it? I just can't get ahead though. Every time I think things will look up, they take a turn for the worse. Something unexpected comes up that I have to pay for and I can't make it happen. I spend no extra money on anything frivolous at all. I have a boyfriend that pays for everything for me (even gas sometimes), I'm working a very part-time second job at my uncle's gym just to pay for toilet paper and groceries (no sarcasm at all, that's dead serious), I eat the free disgusting meals at work as often as possible, I do my laundry at my parent's house for free, and anything else I can make happen. There is nothing else I can cut out to make things cheaper for myself. I'm getting free cable so I can't cut that. My only phone and point of contact is my cell phone so I can't cut that. I don't have internet. My only utility is electric and that only runs about $50-$60/month. My rent is ridiculously cheap. I pay the minimums on my student loans (when I can even do that much). Any trips I make to Pittsburgh Rick pays for the gas for me to get there and all of my expenses while I'm there. I don't get my hair cut, I don't get my nails done, I don't pay to eat out, I don't buy any new clothes or anything like that, I DON'T DO ANYTHING!!! And I can't get anywhere. I can't pick up a second job because I work too many hours at my current job and yet I can't get a full paycheck here because other people are slacking and affecting my paycheck. It's all quite frustrating so let's just move on. This dead horse is beaten silly.



Work - Probably the main source of even my financial problems. I love, love, love what I do. I have a fabulous position and I can't tell you how much I love it. But that doesn't mean I love where I work or who I work with. It's just frustrating sometimes watching some people skate by doing little or nothing with no consequences whatsoever while the rest of us then have to pick up the slack and are called out for things we have no control over and most of the time aren't even our responsibilities. I know the economy is affecting everyone right now and I know I should be grateful at all to even have a job. But some days it's very hard to be grateful when you are getting smacked on the hand or ridiculed for doing your best on a daily basis.



Family - I love my family dearly. More than I could ever express. But dear lord they exhaust me sometimes. My grandma is in the hospital right now. Nothing serious - she had a double knee replacement yesterday - but that doesn't mean I don't worry about her. She's the only grandma I've got left and even though that woman can send me over the edge faster than anyone else in my life, I love her so very, very much. I know I won't have her forever, but for a little longer would be quite nice. My parents really are great. They care so much about me and I know they are proud of me. They remind me that all the time and thank goodness. Some days it's exactly what I need to hear to keep moving forward. And quite honestly, lately they've been nothing but fabulous. They haven't nagged or bugged or pryed or complained or anything. It's been fabulous and I've never felt closer to them. We are throwing them a surprise 30th anniversary party next Friday. I'm actually really excited about it and I'm pretty sure they still know nothing about it. We've done pretty well at throwing them off and with Grandma's surgery they've been pretty distracted overall. I really hope we can pull the surprise off :) I just wish I had a bigger budget to do something a little more fabulous. Oh well, I'm sure they'll say they loved every bit anyhow.



Love - I'm so in love. So, so, so in love. It's hit me really hard. I resisted for quite awhile and actually did very well. I've been relatively guarded and have made very smart decisions for myself. I'm quite proud actually. I'm clearly not new to this love thing. I mean, I was married. haha! I think my experiences and Rick's experiences have made us love and appreciate each other so much more. He is so good to me. I can't even begin to explain how happy he makes me. He is at the front of my thoughts every single moment. He's patient and kind and understanding. He listens to me and genuinely cares about my every feeling. He loves my family and is so sweet to them. They love him and that means so much more after what I went through with my marriage.


Counselor - I'm a counselor to anyone and everyone. It's one of my favorite things about myself and one of my least favorite things. I'm so glad that people feel safe coming to me with their problems. And I'm so glad that they view me as a trustworthy person to talk with and an opinion they respect. However, sometimes it's just too much. Example? My aunt last night unloaded on me that she's probably leaving my uncle. Ugh. Now, I know that I'm the only one in our family that has gotten a divorce and that no one else on that side of the family is exactly open to sharing their feelings and thoughts with each other for fear it's not within the general consensus of a 'good thing' or 'acceptable' but still, why me? This is not something I want to have to deal with and certainly not a secret I want to keep right now. I'm so proud of her for finally standing up for herself. It's something we all kind of saw coming for awhile and something that needs to happen, but I really don't have the energy, time or patience for this right now. And all that does is make me feel horribly guilty that I'd wish her off on someone else.


Secrets - oh the secrets. I've kept so many secrets all my life. In fact, I have a hugely horrible secret that I've only shared with 3 people in my entire life. And honestly, it's a secret that hurts me and has absolutely had an impact and affect on my life. Sometimes I feel that I'm at the very brink of busting it out and just telling everyone because it consumes my thoughts. But then I think about how that could change so many peoples' lives around me and how it's best I just keep it inside. In case you couldn't tell, I'm at that point right now. Which is why I'm bringing it up. To remind myself that all it would do is harm and no good to anyone in any way. So shut it and suck it up.


Moving - I'm planning on moving very soon. As soon as I can get a few other things in order. Mostly one big thing. But that will come with time and perseverance I suppose. As a friend told me not too long ago, you have to pay into a really sucky one to get a really amazing great one after. I'm still paying right now and I have faith that my amazing one will come soon. I hope...


Physical - I don't take care of myself. At all. I'm probably not very healthy. I don't eat a balanced diet and I know that I don't get the correct vitamins in my body that it needs. The worst thing about it? I don't care or have enough energy to change it even though I know I should.


Babies - I'm so surrounded by babies. No matter what I do. And they are on my brain. Please get them off my brain. This is not a good time to want a baby. I'm so stupid.


Love - have I mentioned I'm in love? Yeah, I am. :)


Depression - No matter how great things are going in some aspects of my life (see above) I'm still in a depression right now. I fight it very well almost every day. But there are times that it completely and utterly grabs hold and just won't let go. Last night was one of those nights. I cried and sobbed and cried and snotted and cried. It makes me feel very selfish and ungrateful for the blessings I have in my life. Which actually makes me more depressed.


Curious - I'm not going to lie, sometimes I'm curious about Ryan's life. I wonder if he ever thinks about me or misses me or hates me or anything at all. Strange, I know.


I think all these things tie in together pretty well to create one big mess. There are things that cross my mind sometimes that I know I shouldn't even be thinking about. I miss my house so much. Even though I felt so much pain in that house from my relationship, I miss it. I picked it out, I decorated it, I absolutely loved it. It's silly for me to even miss it because it's long gone and the life that I left it with was horrible for me. But sometimes I'll see something that would have looked fabulous in my kitchen or I will have some family over and give anything to have my huge dining room table back. Silly, small things but they all play in together somehow.


Hm, I thought this would make me feel better than it actually did.

Best day

I had one of the best days in a very long time. I went to Cedar Point with my family today and laughed harder than I've laughed in awhile. The morning started a little rough with my mom waking up with a headache. I was afraid of what the day would hold because as we all know, when Mom isn't happy, no one is happy. So I was glad when it was pretty well gone by the time we got to the rest stop. We even laughed and sang along to all the songs on our iPods on the way up.

We got to the park about half an hour early. So we had to wait for the gates to open, but the time went quickly. We noticed there weren't a ton of people there, but figured it'd get much busier later. But it didn't get busier at all. We didn't wait more than 10 minutes for any ride. Not even the newest and best. It was great.

But so much more than that, I had an amazing time with my family. We all laughed and joked and just had a fantastic time overall. Everyone had a great time. Ben realized that it is un-American to simply buy a bigger car instead of losing weight to fit in your smaller car (way more to the story, but it was hilarious). Halley managed to sit in the cooler at lunch. It was freakin hilarious! Our lunch was envied by all as we picnicked right outside of our car and fed the loud, dirty seagulls. I face-planted in the back of the front seat on the way home trying to show Mom my phone and even dinner at Bob Evan's was quite a great time as well.

It was perfect. And much, much needed. Our family has been a little bit disconected lately. We are all so busy with school and work schedules that we don't have a full day to spend with just our immediate family. And quite honestly, that may be the last chance we get. Maybe even ever.

I'm hoping to be moving within the next few months (more to come on that a little later when things are a little more definite) and Halley will be graduating and getting married in less than a year. I'm going to miss these simpler times, but I really think only good things are to come for all of us. Everyone involved in our lives seem to have a very positive impact on all of us and we are all much happier.

The future is looking bright :)

My weekend

So I had a great weekend with a little twist thrown in. On Friday I was up early and at work by 6:30. Ugh how I hate mornings. But I ended up getting out of the office by 4:30 so that was nice. Halley brought Max over for a bit to borrow some dresses then Rick and the girls got there about 7:30 or so. We changed and headed over to the balloon fest. The girls had a good time and so did I :) I'm such a kid with that kind of thing. Food Fest/HOF week is my absolute most favorite time!

Then Saturday morning I actually got to sleep in a bit because I had a decently easy wedding that day. So I eventually got up and got ready and headed in. Rick took the kids to my mom's house to go swimming and then we met back at my apartment after. We all got changed and went back to the food fest for fireworks. When we got there we laid out the blankets and Halley and our friend Kevin sat with the girls while Rick and I went to get food for everyone. We walked around a bit and decided to stop to get hot dogs and fries. As we were walking back there he was. Ryan was there. That was the first time I'd see him out and about in public unplanned. It was weird for me. We saw each other and weren't quite sure what to do. So we half waved and just kept walking past each other. He was with an ugly fat girl. And I'm not just saying that cause I'm bitter. She really was ugly and fat. After we walked past I looked at Rick and said, "That was my ex-husband." His response, "Really, that was your ex-husband?" haha! It was weird for me. And honestly it shook me up a little bit. I was actually pissed that he was there. When we were together it was like pulling teeth in order to get him to be any kind of social at all. Whatever. Anyhow...

Then Sunday we went down to my sister's fiance's and rode 4-wheelers and had a picnic and just a pretty relaxing day. Then we had a softball game later.

It was overall a good weekend. But I'm serious, seeing him on Saturday totally shook me up. And it pissed me off that it shook me up. You know? Why does he still have control over me at all. Why is it that he can still affect me at all? Jackass.

Vegas recap

What an amazing time. Honestly. That has to be one of the absolute best vacations I've taken in my entire life. I had a total blast the whole time. I took very few pictures because neither of us wanted to carry a camera around but I took a few of the room and the hotel lobby and a couple cute ones of us. So I'll share those first then I'll recap :)

This was our room and it was so amazingly beautiful!





This was the main hallway that led from the entrance/lobby to the casinos and guest rooms. It was so incredible



And believe it or not I got very few pictures of us. We looked freakin hot all three nights and I'm seriously kicking myself for not getting evidence. Oh well, I guess. I did get these few:
This was on our last day before we headed out to the airport:

(This one was probably my absolute favorite :) )
And in the cab on our way to the airport:

And on the plane on our way back. Can you tell how tired we were? haha


So here is a basic recap of all we did (mostly just to help me remember in the future. In fact, last night we were talking about the events that happened, and we can't even keep the days straight. haha!)
Friday - We woke up in Pittsburgh at about 4:30 got ready and then hit the road to the airport. We got there about 45 minutes before our flight took off, checked in, grabbed coffee and boarded. It was perfect timing. Neither of us slept on the way out because we were excited and the flight was actually a little rough. We arrived in Vegas, got our bags and grabbed a cab. When we got in the car we said how we were hungry for lunch and the driver kinda chuckled and reminded us that it was technically only 9:30 there. Not like it matter in Vegas. It can be whatever time you want it to be. So we got to the hotel, were completely and utterly amazed as soon as we walked in the door. I freakin love the Venetian. Seriously! So we went up to our room and were completely amazed. Even by the fact our blinds had a remote. That's right, we were the hillbillies playing with it. haha! We decided to head down to grab a bite to eat and then we walked around the pools. And the we had to hit the black jack tables. I think Rick was pretty close to shaking at that point if I didn't let him gamble ;) After some gambling we headed back up to the room to get ready and we were out. We caught a cab over to New York New York to pick up our show tickets for the weekend and we hit a table there. But they must not have liked us. We ended up down a little bit so we decided to go to dinner. Went to Red Square at Mandalay Bay and oh my dear god was it amazing! Honestly! It was so freakin delicious! I had black truffle and lobster fettuccine. I was in completely heaven! Then we went back to New York New York to see Zumanity. Way racy but so good! We both laughed our entire way through it. I definitely recommend it! Then we decided since we went to see a burlesque type of show, we might as well hit a strip club. So we went to Spearmint Rhino. Strip clubs in Vegas are WAY different than in Ohio. You can touch the girls as much or as little as you want. I was absolutely shocked. We had a good time though. It was packed! Then we were both completely exhausted so we headed back to the hotel. We were up for 26 hours straight that day. And it was the most amazing day of the entire trip. We started out with the bar so high.

Saturday we both slept in. We ended up getting up about 1:00 Vegas time because we were so tired and we were on vacation so why not! We got up, got showered and headed down to the pool for a few hours. Then we had dinner reservations at Zafferino's. It was delicious Italian food! So yummy! And we had a cute little table overlooking the canal. :) After dinner we headed out to the Palms to go to the clubs. A friend of mine is a DJ out there so he set us up with some VIP passes which was nice. Cause holy line! haha! There was no way I'd be standing in that freakin line! Once we got in it was fun and all, but not exactly our thing. Or at least not that night. So we each had a few drinks then ditched. We went back to the hotel and actually called it a fairly early night by about 2:30.

Sunday morning Rick let me sleep in while he went downstairs to gamble a bit. I got my lazy butt up and ready and then went down and did some shopping. I fully intended on buying things, but I was so mesmerized by everything I did more window shopping. haha! Then I caught up with him at the tables and we went shopping together. He bought me a pretty new dress to wear to the wedding we are going to and a top that he loved me in. It was fun and it felt good :) Then I was absolutely starving so we got some lunch and then gambled. We went up to the room and got dressed and headed over to the Bellagio. We had dinner at Yellowtail and had DELICIOUS sushi! We also had their surf and turf with yummy Kobe filet and lobster tail. Yum! We watched the water show then hit the tables for a bit. Then we went a saw O. It was good, but maybe I was expecting more than I thought it actually was. I can't honestly say I'd ever want to see it again. And it kind of turned me off a bit to any other of the "traditional" Cirque shows. Oh well! At least now I can say that I saw them. We headed back to the Venetian, changed and went down to the tables. We had a good time filled with watching some of the most drunk, most obnoxious people. Always entertaining :) Then we headed back up to our room.

Unfortunately, Monday morning came. Rick went and got us both coffee and then we took our time getting ready. We packed our bags and went down to check them into our airline. We were able to check into our flight and check our bags from the hotel so we didn't have to worry about them. We made a quick stop in the gift shop to buy the girls some souvenirs and then we hit the tables one last time. We ended on a high note just in time. We caught a cab back to the airport, walked through security, got goodies for the plane and boarded. It was absolutely perfect.

Overall, the trip was completely amazing. I really do love him. He's so good to me. He genuinely cares about how I feel and wants to make me happy all the time. Too soon or not, I definitely am smitten ;)

West Bound

I'm headed West. Well, East first to get to the Pittsburgh Airport but then West to Las Vegas. Enthusiastically ecstatic doesn't even begin to describe how I'm feeling about this trip. It's a get-away from this place that drives me out of my mind on a daily basis. It's getting out of Ohio which is fabu. It's spending an entire weekend with just Rick (school girl giddy about that one). And it's going to Vegas which I have only ever been to when I was 15 (sooo not the same!).

Bye kids! :)

Been awhile

So it's been quite some time since I've posted anything. Not a whole lot and so much is going on in my life right now. Work has been so hard on my lately. I've really been struggling financially and I've been working just has hard, if not harder, than I ever have. I feel like everything is so close to it's breaking point right now and I'm so afraid I won't be ready or see it coming soon enough.

I know I want to move but I really don't know where or when for sure. A lot of that stress is because of the relationship I'm in right now. And don't get me wrong, I know I've only brought it on myself. Rick encourages me to go wherever my heart leads me to go. There is no pressure from him at all to move to Pittsburgh. He has offered that if I decide to move there I'm absolutely welcome to live with him or he'll help me find a place. But if it's not the right place for me to go, then he completely understands.

The problem I'm having with the whole thing right now is honestly how much I want to be with him. Part of me is completely and utterly freaked out by the entire thing. I definitely didn't plan and certainly didn't think I could find someone and fall in love like this as soon as I did. He's an absolutely amazing guy. I've never been so happy with someone and wanted to share so much of my life with someone. But I'm afraid it's too soon for me. I'm afraid I need to live more of my life. And then it scares me to let him go.

I honestly think the whole "If it's meant to be, it will happen" kind of thing is a little bullshit. I look at that along the same lines as telling a bride it's lucky if it rains on your wedding day. Basically it was made up to make someone feel better when they were going through a tough time. Relationships are work. And anyone that disagrees with me is in for a rude awakening at some point. I have no idea where my life is headed at this point. It freaks me the fuck out. Honestly.

And I know I'm doing this whole no planning thing. But I at least need some sort of direction. There are so many unknowns and uncertainties in my life right now that I feel so confused and scared. When I'm with Rick I feel so safe and comforted. But when I'm here and he's there, I'm scared and uncertain. I don't know if that's a "sign" or if that's me being stupid and afraid to be alone.

Please don't flame me and be mean to me about this. The last thing I need are more critics in my life. I'm surrounded by them for a least 9 hours a day and quite honestly, I can't handle any more. I'll happily accept sound advice and thoughts. Or maybe you think I need a good talking-to. Go for it. But I'll decide what information I keep and what I discard. Because quite honestly, it's my right to do so.

I've decided to just have as much fun as possible right now. I'll be leaving for Vegas in 9 days and I can't wait to go. I need a break from Ohio and from the bullshit that happens here. And what better place to go than the only place with absolutely no rules whatsoever? What happens there stays there, right? Maybe I'll just stay there too. haha!

How's his life?

That's the thought that went through my mind a million times yesterday. It was the date of our three year anniversary. There are days that Ryan doesn't even cross my mind anymore. Yesterday, he's all I could think about. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish him to be completely miserable and lonely all day yesterday. I knew he had to go home to the house that used to be ours and sleep in the bed we used to share. I hope it was horrible and painful and hurtful for him. I honestly do. And if that makes me a bad person, I don't care. There were so many thoughts that went through my head on a continuous loop all day.

Did he wake up thinking about what day it was? Like I did.
Did he reflect on the past five years and the changes that happened? Like I did.
Did he wonder what life would have been like right now if he'd have listened to me when I said I would leave if he didn't change? Like I did.
Did he stay at work late to avoid having to go home? Like I did.
Did he sit at home eating dinner alone? Like I did.
Did he find something to do, anything to do, not to have to spend the evening all by himself? Like I did.
Did he avoid crawling into bed knowing I wouldn't be there beside him ever again? Like I did.
Did he pray to God to make next year much less painful? Like I did.
Did he cry himself to sleep? Like I did.
Did he promise himself to never admit any of the feelings he felt that day to me (or to anyone else for that matter) no matter what? Like I did.