June 18th

I decided I needed to keep writing here. I’d love to make this a public blog sometimes so that I really can share my feelings and not be ashamed of them. But then I’d piss someone off and let’s face it, my entire life revolves around making everyone else happy. So let’s update you with my life.

I currently have a new job. That’s right, I’m a Bridal Coordinator for a very well known country club in the area. It’s my dream job, well for now at least. But it’s a career for me, not just a job and that’s a very exciting thing. The bad thing is that I’ve got so much shit going on in my personal life, that I feel I can’t give the 200% I would like to this job. But I’ll get there. Some day I’ll be the best damn wedding planner anyone has ever seen.

Ryan and I still suck at marriage. We had another blow out this weekend. Surprise, surprise. I called his parents over to help. We started fighting about the camera he got me for our anniversary. He told me I didn’t appreciate it because I didn’t pay for it with my own money. Whatever. So I called his mom to mediate the fight and they ended up coming over. She told him that she was very disappointed in him because he is not the man, or even the boy, she raised. And that his grandfather (whom he respected more than anyone on this earth) would be just as disappointed. That hurt me to hear because if my grandfather was disappointed in me, I’d feel horrible. I feel better knowing that they know it’s more than just financial. That the reason a lot of our problems are financial is because I’m so scared of where that will lead us and then what I’ll be stuck without. I can’t lose one more ounce of my dignity. And if I give up financial control of my life, I’ll honestly feel that I’ve got nothing left. And that’s all that is keeping my head above water. No matter how disastrous my finances are. The information I have shared with him about my finances (namely my student loans) have been used against me time and again. Now, I don’t have ridiculous amounts of student loans and I’ve paid off a damn good chunk of them in just the year and a half that I’ve been working on it, but he’s never had a student loan in his life. And he holds that against me like none other. And it hurts. It hurts so deeply but he just doesn’t get it.

I’m lost. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m frustrated. I’m broken. I’m drowning. I’m everything I shouldn’t be at this point in my life. I know that, but there is nothing I seem to be able to do about it. If I leave him I’ll be even more sad and hurt and scared and alone. If I stay, I just keep drowning. I just don’t know which direction is up.