Take the time

I need to do better about taking the time to actually blog. I really feel better when I take a few minutes and just jot down what I'm thinking and feeling.

So here's the deal today...

I feel like chicken shit. I'm miserable and unhappy 98% of the time. And the 2% that I'm not, I'm anticipating being miserable and unhappy. It's a horrible life to live. It affects every single aspect of it. I'm so tired of being on edge and on defense that I'm just plain tired. I have a constant battle in my head of what I should do and what I am currently doing. It goes a little something like this:

Me 1: Next time he snaps at you, tell him you are leaving
Me 2: I will
Me 1: Seriously! If you don't do it, then I will do it for you
Me 2: No, I got it. I know I'm better than this
Ryan: You suck at life (paraphrased of course)
Me 2: I'm sorry, I'll fix it
Me 1: WTF is wrong with you?!
Me 2: I don't know, stop beating up on me
Me 1: I'm not, he is, you need to stand up to it
Me 2: I do
Me 1: How?
Me 2: Well, he knows I'm not happy and knows I won't put up with it forever
Me 1: Really, then what are you doing right now?
Me 2: I know, I'm putting up with it. But it's only been 2 years, it'll get better. Besides, I'm the one that got myself into this. I said those vows and I meant every word. This is just the worst part of the "for better or for worse"
Me 1: No, this is the part that he said that he would love and respect his wife

So if I can sit there and argue with myself and have great points that I can't even defend, why do I put up with it?

Love? Love shouldn't hurt this bad. It shouldn't disappoint you this much. It should be a give and take relationship. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses here thinking that love is perfect all the time. I know there is fighting and there are tifts and disagreements. I think that's actually a very beautiful part of love. But I also know it's not bending until you break and hurting all the time. I know it's not feeling alone and lost.

Committment? Hell, at this point I should be committed for all of the committment I've shown.

Vows? I've said my vows, and quite honestly, I know I haven't stuck to them completely. I screw up, I know I do. I regret the times I have screwed up. But that makes me a real person and I honestly believe it makes me realize that everyone screws up and I'm willing to forgive and move on.

Dogs? Yeah, may seem stupid to you, but I know deep in my heart they are part of the reason I've stayed this long. How sad is that? Kids are one thing, but dogs? They really are my kids and I can't imagine saying, "You get Zoey and Maggie and I get Max." I just can't do it. My heart breaks thinking about that. First of all, they are all so close to one another that I would feel sad for them to have to break up like that. Second of all, I'd miss them terribly if I wasn't with one or the other. Zoey, I could get over her (and yes, I'd still miss her). But Maggie is my little girl. And my chunky monkey, Max is just so silly. And I know Ryan wouldn't want him.

Truth is, I've built a life here. I've built my life around my future plans and all of those plans included Ryan. That's what hurts the most. The fact that I've built these plans, I've invested my entire life into this and now it's falling apart. That's what holds me there. That's what gives me hope that things will change, that I didn't make a mistake.