Bad blogger

I've been a bad blogger lately. It's not that I haven't started an entry. I've actually started 3, just haven't finished a single one of them and then I get distracted and then when I re-read what I've written, I've lost my train of thought. haha! Anyhow...let's see...what is going on...

Saturday I went out with my sister. I had a total blast! We went to one place to meet a friend of ours for his birthday celebration. The big 37. He called it his half life birthday which I think is kinda silly. We started there then headed over to the martini lounge. Good fun was had there as well. My little sister got pretty silly that night. In fact, she basically passed out in the car on the way home. haha! In the morning she was on the phone with her fiancee (whom was also recovering from the night before) and he asked her why she got so messed up and her response? "I didn't want to, they kept buying me shots" haha! It was a good time.

Sunday Ryan and I had a good day. Not a good day as in I'm-moving-back-home-cause-things-are-going-so-great-good-day. More like a I'm-finally-being-totally-and-completely-and-utterly-honest-with-my-husband-good-day. And you know what, that honesty isn't what he wants to hear right now? But it's ok. It's actually really good. Because if I can't be honest, what's the point? Why be not honest and miserable and only end up in the same spot I was?

I don't think I can ever get past what happened with us. I honestly in my heart of hearts don't think I can. We were talking last night about how we both genuinely miss the couple we were when we were dating/engaged. Durin the week we'd talk about our entire day, troubleshoot each other's problems and just be an open ear. Then we would go out Saturday night and have a great time then literally stay in bed all day Sunday with each other. We'd order Domino's thin crust pizza, stay in our pajamas and just watch football and laugh and talk and nap and enjoy each other. I miss that. Who doesn't want a relationship like that?

But now, I don't think I can ever be that couple with him again. I really don't. And it truly breaks my heart. I'm not naive enough to not know that marriage takes work. I get that and I think any couple out there that says otherwise is stupid. I know that not every week will be that perfect regardless of how great the relationship is. But I also know it's more than it was.

I quoted him the song that I've been relating to a lot lately. In fact, there is only one line in the song that really means the most to me. The rest of it relates, but there is one line on where I am right now. I'll post the whole song because, like I said, it all is relavent, but the line that I bolded and italisized means that absolutely most to me right now:

Well, she was precious like a flower
She grew wild, wild but innocent
A perfect prayer in a desperate hour
She was everything beautiful and different

Stupid boy, you can't fence that in
Stupid boy, it's like holding back the wind
she laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and you crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice and that's what happens
When the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
Stupid boy, stupid boy

So what made you think you could take a life
And just push it push it around
I guess you build yourself up so high
You had to take her and break her down

Oh, you always had to be right but now you've lost
The only thing that ever made you feel alive

It took awhile for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone

Nobody's ever gonna love me like she loved me
And she loved me, she loved me
God please, just let her know
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry
Baby, yeah, I'm down on my knees
She's never coming back to me



It took me a long time to figure out I could run. It took me a long time to actually figure out I had the strength to stand up to him and his actions and make it on my own. But when I really did figure it out, it took everything I had to make it happen. And I just don't know if I have anything left to turn back around.....