Goodbye

Dear Ryan –

I’ve decided to write this letter because I’ve always been better at written words as opposed to spoken. I typically get all flustered and lose track of what it is I really want to say. So here it is…a letter to explain to you how I feel.

If someone would I have told me 6 years ago that I would fall in love, graduate college, get married, buy a car, buy a house, get a dog (or three), and become a bridal coordinator all by the time I was 25, I would have laughed in their face. (And promptly asked them to tell me more of what they know is going to happen in my life.) Two years ago, if someone would have told me that the man I so greatly adore will consequently break my heart and crush my spirit and I would be moving back in with my parents, I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.

However, the good, the bad and the ugly of each of those statements have come true. It has been one hell of a ride. We’ve had ups and downs and all-arounds. Some of the happiest moments of my entire life have happened with you. First and foremost, our wedding day. I worked so very hard to make it a perfect day, and I truly believe that it was just that. And three short weeks later we bought my very first brand new car. Something I honestly didn’t see happening in my life for a very long time. Pulling into my parent’s driveway was one of the absolute best feelings I’ve had. And of course, buying our house. Who knew that two twenty-somethings could afford something like that? And actually have furniture (even if it was all hand-me-down) to fill it with. Our three little rascals are certainly apples of my eye, and I know yours too.

When I look back on the 6 years of us dating, being engaged and being married, I certainly smile. It really does make me happy to see what we accomplished in a short amount of time. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say those thoughts and memories weren’t tainted. For about a year to a year and a half, I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of who I really am and I was simply surviving life. It’s definitely not all your fault, and I’d never put the blame on you for that. Mostly that is my fault for not standing up for myself and allowing life around me to change who I was and what I stood for. Unfortunately though, that is what happened.

So many days I was crushed and never felt like enough. The smallest things that were said to me are some of the things that hurt the absolute most. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to, and couldn’t, get out of bed because I felt as though I had absolutely no reason to go on with life. My family was no longer good enough and could do nothing but wrong. I love my family more than anything on this entire planet and I found myself taking sides. I’d be defending them to you for small, silly things and I’d feel myself slipping further and further away from you with every little dig.

Last October I really thought we hit a turning point. I thought that you truly got where I was coming from when I told you I was ready to leave. I was changing (slowly, yes) for you and trying to respect your every request. Things were great for awhile. We had fun spending time together and made a real effort to make each other happy. But things changed quickly. I don’t know whose fault it was, and I’m not one to point fingers. But I know it went downhill about a month or so after that.

Don’t get me wrong, even through all of the bad times, there were amazing times. Like after my whole family left from Christmas Eve and you told me you were proud because I had pulled the whole thing together and everyone had a good time and was happy. Or when I pulled the housewarming party off by myself and you were proud of me for that as well. But for me, even the great times seem to be overshadowed. Life always seems to be such a struggle with us. We always seem to be trying to “win” battles or argue our case.

Before I moved out of the house, I had moved out of our relationship well before that. I needed to rescue myself and make me whole again. For weeks and weeks and weeks I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to not let you hurt me anymore. I stayed as long as I did because I honestly thought you would kill yourself, or me, out of desperation. That is a horrible and lonely way to live though. I learned that very quickly. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to get myself out of that situation unscathed. I had to rely on the family that I had pushed aside before and I thank God every day for putting them in my life.

See, when I married you, I planned on you being my family. Of course I wanted to keep my “extended” family very close in our lives but I wanted them to be just that – extended family. But in the end, I found myself making you my extended family. You felt as though we were excluding you and making plans against you. But in all honestly, everyone was trying their absolute best to help me get through those tough times. They were giving me encouraging words and the hugs I needed to push through. And push I did. I kept pushing as hard as I possibly could to make things work for us. Everything you asked of me, except a joint account, was done. And even the things you were asking me to do and I was doing, weren’t good enough. It crushed my spirit and honestly made me feel worthless.

You ask me if I’ve seen a change in you over the past 3 months, and my answer is yes. I see you becoming a better man and striving for better. And I do appreciate that so very much. But I’m afraid it’s too little too late. I’m not in love with you anymore, Ryan. Respect is such an important thing for me. It’s something that I give only when I get it. And I didn’t get it. You told me at one point that you wouldn’t talk to anyone else the way you talk to me. That day my heart shattered. I’ll never forget that day for the rest of my life. And that’s why I can’t do this. Because I’ll honestly never forget that.

I want out, Ryan. It’s over for me. And I’d only be hurting us both if I kept stringing this along at this point. I pray that you will some day understand why I’m making this decision. I certainly don’t expect you to now. Please know that I prayed over this for a very long time. It’s what I cry myself to sleep with every night. I will always love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you and know that if you ever need anything, I will be there to help. I simply cannot do it as your wife.

Love,

Becky