Angry

I'm so angry toward Ryan about so many things. Don't get me wrong, I know I am in a much better place emotionally now than I could ever think of being for the past two years. But I am so resentful to him about so many things.

Financially, right now, I'm dying. I was so broken and so hurt that when I walked away from the marriage I walked away from just about everything. Everyone in my life kept telling me to ask for more when we settled things, but I just didn't understand why. I saw that I was getting myself back out of the deal and that's what I wanted. The rest is just stuff. And don't get me wrong, it still is just stuff. But wouldn't you know how much easier it is to live with a few of those stuff things. Oh you know, like a mattress and a couch and such things as those.

The only thing I asked for was half of the cash amount we got as wedding gifts. The rat bastard talked me into giving that to me in $200 payments every month. Why exactly did I agree to this? Because I was still broken then. And didn't realize how broke I was.

I'm not bitching about this because I think that money buys happiness. I know that it doesn't. I do know that is makes life easier in some aspects, but I'd never trade money for happiness. I lived like that once and literally wanted to die. The main thing that angers me so much? How much of a fuck head he is.

While we were married we didn't have internet. When we went grocery shopping there were certain brands of chips I wasn't allowed to buy because they were too expensive. Stupid shit like that was a regular occurance in our household. He was convinced we were going broke at every nod of the head. I'd spend every single penny I was making on paying off the student loans he was convinced were ruining our lives and our credit and in paying my car loan and other utility bills when I could. His money? Went toward the mortgage and picked up the other utility bills I couldn't and then went straight to savings. I'm not saying that savings isn't important but he now has an extremely healthy savings account while mine barely makes it to the next paycheck to pay the bills I've got.

Since I've moved out he has redecorated two rooms of the house, bought a 42" plasma television, gotten internet, amped his violin, bought an $800 violin, and completely re-done his wardrobe. The kicker? He tells me how much he gave up and how I don't realize how much he's sacraficed.

I'm sleeping on a fucking air mattress in an apartment with furniture that has all been handed down to me while you sleep in an almost $200k house furnished with stainless steel appliances, your own washer and dryer, and gorgeous furniture. What exactly did you give up fuck head?