What is wrong with me?! Why do I not want to jump his bones every minute of every day like I used to? Now? Now I'd be ok with Saturday sex only. And even that sometimes just seems like too much work. Last night we were on our way home from the grocery store and I had sworn that it was only two nights ago that we had sex. He quickly reminded me that it was actually three nights ago and figured out that by me thinking about it, he wasn't going to get any. And boy was he right. I was just so tired! And I'm so bloated and fat and ugly. And my emotions are going 100 miles a minute.
So I'm going to download something here that I really need to get off my chest. Please don't flame me. I just need to put it in writing somewhere so I can get it out of my head:
This baby wasn't planned for right now. At all. I want a baby SOOO bad and I have for a long time. I can't wait to have his child and to be a mother and all that. I really mean that. And yes, I'm absolutely ecstatic that I will be a mother finally and not just "Becky" that is kind of a mom to the girls but definitely not. Then the feelings I have of wanting to mother them and make life decisions for them can actually happen because I'll have one of my own to do that with. But it wasn't supposed to happen right now. We were still going to go to Italy. And to Vegas again. And I have my sister's bachelorette party in July which I'll now be the fat, pregnant girl in a bar with all the young, drunk, hot girls. We were supposed to get married and I was supposed to look beautiful for him. I was supposed to keep my figure for a least a little while longer. We were enjoying being the couple that could randomly go away on a weekend and go out with our friends and have a great time with a few (or a lot) drinks. This is changing our lives. Completely. It's changing our relationship and our dynamic with each other. And it already has. There was no adjustment period or time to warm-up to the idea. I didn't have to cut out alcohol and caffeine because I was trying to be good to my eggies. Nope. Those little bitches decided to take matters into their own hands and drop even though the pills I was ingesting told them not to. And his stupid swimmers that couldn't get his ex-wife knocked up found their way just fine in my body.
I sound angry. I'm not angry. I'm just trying to adjust. I'm trying to understand what all is happening to my body right now and how to make it all work in my life. I'm a researcher and a planner. I read books and take notes and make plans for my life. Now, I know there is a post I wrote about a year or so ago that was all about not making plans for my life and all. But this is a little extreme, no?
I'm just so afraid of all of the unknowns right now, I think.
2 comments:
we tried for a baby, for several months, and still, i felt the same way. totally normal. but, during my 2nd tri - i could.not.get.enough.sex! just to reassure you.
and you will still look beautiful.
and, i was totally the HUGE pregnant girl for my sisters bach. party too - and i still got hit on! LOL
let it all soak in. it'll all make sense one day!
You are the best, Andrea :) Thank you for reassuring me!
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