Ultimatum

I did it, I gave him an ultimatum last night.

I'm actually horrible at sharing my feelings with Ryan and telling him exactly what is on my mind. I'm always so afraid that one wrong word will send him into a tailspin and all hell will break loose. But I've realized, it's already basically like that. And who wants to live hiding their feelings and thoughts all the time? So everytime he and I 'talk' (I use the term lightly) I usually candy coat most of what I want to actually say to him. But not last night. Last night, I told him it's time for him to take the first step to helping himself, or I'll take the first step out of the front door and not look back. Yes, it was harsh, but it got my point across. And it gave me a reason to not go back on my word in my mind this time. It was said out loud, he knows it and I know it, so it has to be done. And it will.

You know, the worst thing about my every single day is how many times I get asked how long I've been married and how my wedding was and if I'm happily married and all that. It's so hard to lie through your teeth. I think I've posted about that part before, but seriously, it's hard! And exhausting.

Flashback

I’m such a nerd! Lately I’ve been writing my blog entries out in Word and taking a day or so to get them just right and then copy and paste them into blogger. A couple of reasons: 1. Then I can quickly add the things I think of when I think of them instead of having to log in, go to the post and edit it (no, not really that much of a task, but hey) 2. Even though I did amazing in the 6th grade spelling bee, I have difficulties remembering how to spell things when my fingers are going a million miles a minute so this ol’ computer here helps me out with that. 3. I seriously have ADD and I’ll start writing a blog then start cleaning my desk off which leads to cleaning the kitchen counter which leads to mopping the floor which leads to rearranging my pantry (yes, there is correlation there, trust me) which then reminds me that I started a blog and should go back to it but I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to leave it up on the computer cause it’s my business out there and I’d prefer only the whole internet world read it, and not my snoopy husband. See, it all make sense.

I’ve started journaling lately too. I’ve been writing things in there that currently tell Ryan and that I want to tell him. I write better than I fight. Sounds weird, right? But it’s true. When I have the chance to sit down and write things out, I can keep my emotions in check. I’m a horrible fighter. Probably because I actually hate fighting. But when we have a tiff or argument or brawl or whatever, I can never say what I actually want to say. I get all red faced and snotty and teary and it never comes out how I want it to. But when I write things down, they do come out how I want them to and I’m able to get my whole point out without being interrupted. That doesn’t mean that he actually reads or comprehends every word that I actually write (or usually type) out, but it means that I’ve been able to get it out. And who knows, maybe he goes back and actually re-reads them.

I was talking to a friend yesterday (who is one of those friends that I didn’t think would stay as close as she has after she moved away but it has been such a pleasant surprise for me!) and she made me realize, that I’ve probably already checked out. See, one of her friends from back home got a divorce almost a year ago. But before they were even separated, she was mentally and emotionally separated about a year before that. I think I’m there. In my mind, I’m preparing for the rest of my life and it doesn’t necessarily include Ryan. Not saying that it can’t, but when I think about having babies, I don’t think of him as the father. That sounds horribly mean and insensitive and for those of you reading this that think I’m a bitch, please know that I’m not. It’s simply the sad reality that my life has become. I’m not saying that there is someone that comes to mind when I think about the rest of my life and me being a mom and all that. But the fact is that when I think of my future with Ryan, it doesn’t include kids. I can’t see him being a good father or even being a father in general. I used to, and it breaks my heart to think otherwise. But when I see myself in the future, I do see me having kids. So I almost find it impossible to see the two futures together.

I was watching reruns of The Real Housewives of OC Monday on my day off (quality TV right?) and they were showing Jeana and Matt and how horribly miserable they are together. Matt even said, “I’d rather be wrong and miserable for the rest of my life than admit that I’m wrong and make myself happy.” What a horrible way to live. And what a horrible way to make the people around you live. Then it hit me…holy shit. I’m miserable and afraid to admit I made a mistake.

I keep flashing back to about 4 months before the wedding sitting in the GFS parking lot with my mom and breaking down to her that I just wasn’t sure. At that point I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married or not. She told me it certainly wasn’t too late to, but I knew that it was either then or never so we stuck with our date. I know it would have been a lot easier to walk away then. There was a lot less involved. But I didn’t, and I’m here. And not quite sure what to do with myself . . . . . . . .

Recap

So here is a recap of the past half of a week that has gone by:

-I worked quite a few hours this past week and got pretty angry with someone I work with for being a little bit hypocritical. Sometimes I think I know a little more than I should and I use that info a little more than I should. But in other ways, I think it's good that I know as much as I do so that I don't quit and murder someone on my way out the door. haha! I really do love my job and I'm so ecstatic that I have this job, so don't take it the wrong way there. But I think it's safe to say 99.9% of the working population has complaints about their job. (I left the .1% cause I know just to be an ass someone would say no. haha)

-Looking back at my weekend of work, I had a great weekend! I had 2 fantastic families to work with and I really think they appreciated what I did which means so much!

-Ryan and I had a pretty good weekend. Well, the parts that I did see him in. Then Sunday we were going to grill burgers and brauts but I didn't want either of those and we needed buns so I decided to run to the store quick. Ryan decided to go with me. I realized while I was there how tasty some cheddar Sun Chips sounded. So I grabbed a bag and he threw a bitch-fit about how expensive those were as compared to another bag of chips. Long story short, it was a stupid fight that made me very angry.

-I'm still working on being positive. It's a very hard, very slow process I think. Mostly I've been finding things in my life to be grateful for. And quite honestly, it's overwhelming how much I have to be grateful for. Unfortunately, finding the things I am grateful for show me the things I'm not grateful for and the things I could honestly be much happier without. A double-edged sword I tell you.

-Side note - the word sword remind me of the word dwarf which I was asked in 6th grade spelling bee and helped me be the 6th place winner. :) No, it wasn't first but I was against high schoolers!!

-I'm really not sure how I've been losing weight lately. I think it's the lack of eating I've been doing. But I certainly don't hate it. The bad thing is that when I am eating, I'm eating complete shit. Oreos and milk, for example, have been a pretty big staple in my daily consumption. Or the iced coffee and donut on my way to work. Horrible! But so damn tasty. Somehow though that scale keeps leaning toward my 120 mark and I certainly don't hate it. I've also decided I'm ok with 121. I don't need 120 and certainly don't need the 118 I was originally aiming for. I'm certainly not a fat girl and I'm learning to deal with the huge thighs and hips I was born with. It could be much worse!

Positive Patty

So I've decided to be a Positive Patty today. I've been reading a little bit more about the idea that what you are is what is returned to you. I believe that in most ways. So I've decided to be more positive. Let's start now :)

Quote of the day

You know how much I love these. And I really liked today's:

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other. — Abraham Lincoln

I'm not really sure what to say today. I'm just out of ideas. Monday I spent a few hours in the pool with my mom and we got some good talking time in. She has gotten my old bedroom all ready for me to move into if need be. And she's somehow going to talk to my dad about what dogs I can bring with me (I really only want Maggie and Max at this point). I really do hate this. I told Ryan the other day I'm probably going to move out. He got all pissy handed me his wedding band and said "If it's what you want...." and I cut him off and said "It's nothing at all what I want. If it's what I wanted I wouldn't have wasted the past 6 years of my life planning a future with you and building a life with you." Now, I know that might have been a little harsh because regardless of where my life ends up from here, I don't regret the last 6 years of my life at all. I can honestly say I gave it my best. I've been myself through the whole thing. And though I've started losing who I am a little bit, I know it's easy to find. I just need an afternoon with my family and I feel normal again (regardless how abnormal that really is). And I think that is where my marriage has failed me (I'm trying to avoid saying that I've failed it). If I can't feel normal at my home, then I shouldn't be there. If I feel more uptight being there then I seem to at work, what is the point of going home? And trust me, work is not a place to feel all that relaxed at. It can get pretty stressful sometimes. I want nothing more than to be able to be my complete, normal, weird, relaxed, sometimes childish self at home.

My greatest fear for Ryan is that he will see the truth and the light in this quote too late:

We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. — Thomas Fuller

Frustrating

So my therapist's office called and she's now going to be out of the office on Thursday. That's right, the first time I've actually convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me and she's going to be out of the office. GRR! Now we can't get in until August. Some days I feel like the world is working against me.

Oh yeah, and we had another horrible weekend masked by smiles and good times in front of family. Just another normal weekend in the Brown household. :-/

Happy 4th (a day late)

So yesterday was a pretty decent day for me overall. Ryan went golfing with his dad and brother and I decided to go down to my parents and spend the day with them. No questions asked, I was going. He got up and let me sleep in a bit trying to keep the dogs quiet enough. Then he got ready for golf and I lounged on the couch for another hour or so. Then got ready and headed to my parents. Even though the weather was kinda sucky (and the damn sun decides to come out today...never fails), we had a great time. Then I had to get ready and head into work for about an hour or so. After work I headed home and found out my parents were coming over to see fireworks with us. I have to be honest, my heart dropped when I found out they were coming. I knew Ryan would freak out and we could potentially deal with what happened last year. So I called him quick to give a warning and he did freak a little bit. He freaked that the carpet hadn't been vacuumed that day and the house was "a disaster" which is very far from the truth. But whatever. So when I got home I helped him clean a bit and then my parents came over. All in all, it was a really great night. As soon as they got there (as usual) Ryan was in a good mood and was pleasant to them the whole time.

The fireworks were fantastic and then they came over to play cards after and it was so much fun. He's in a good mood again today so yay!

Off to work....