How soon is too soon?

So this post could be relatively controversial and that's ok. I know I've stated it before, but I started this for me to get my thoughts and feelings out and no one is forced to read it.

So I'm not sure how soon is too soon for a new "relationship". Of course I don't want to rush anything for myself but I also don't feel that hurt anymore from everything that happened with the divorce. I think a lot of that is the fact that I know I was emotionally done long before it was legally done. I don't want to be frowned upon by anyone (which I know is inevitable and I know I shouldn't care but I always have and I probably always will).

The funniest thing that I learned at a relatively young age is that a lot of the time you find what you are looking for as soon as you stop looking. I've always been pretty laid back about finding someone and I've always had people interested in me (that's not trying to sound self-centered...it's just being honest). I've always been told that I'm a great catch because I'm pretty, funny and fun to hang around. It's a compliment and a very nice thing for people to say to me. But I really think a lot of that is just because who you meet is who I am. I'm not a fake person and I genuinely care for life and all of the people involved in mine.

All of that is meant to preface what I'm about to say:

I've met someone that is a great person. He's funny and nice and very sweet to me. I know I've mentioned him on here before. We were actually set up. My cousin/best friend is dating Kevin who is best friends with Rick. They thought we'd hit it off or at least have great sex when Rick was in town. haha!

I met him at the end of January. Rick lives in Pittsburgh (where Kevin is from also) and came in town to spend the weekend with Nicki and Kevin. Saturday night after work I headed up there and the four of us went to dinner. Quite honestly, Nicki and Kevin thought we'd hit it off, but they were mostly just helping us both get a little ass. We all four had a great time out and um, Rick and I definitely had a great time later that night. (What can I say, I can be a bit of a whore, I guess...don't judge! haha!)

Anyhow, I almost didn't even go that night. I had options of alternative plans and I knew this guy was 10 years older than me. But I knew I had nothing to lose and knew I'd at least have a great time with Nicki and Kevin. So I went. When I met Rick I was pleasantly surprised. He's not exactly the kind of guy I'd normally go for, but I think he's really attractive. We went to Hibachi Japan and as we were all sitting there talking the topic of counseling came up. I knew Rick was divorced so I made a joke about how I hoped he didn't have to go to counseling and suffer through some of the sessions like I did and his response? "I wanted to, for the kids' sake, but she wasn't interested." Holy fuck. Did he just say kids?!?! The entire rest of the night I thought about how I had just been set up with a 35 year old guy with two kids. haha! All I could hope was that the sex was completely worth it.

We had a complete blast that night though. I laughed so hard at Kevin and Rick together and of course at the comedy club later. When we went home I had my Steeler's Fan Initiation (don't ask) and Rick and I had some really great conversations. We were awake most of the night and really found out a lot about each other. In the morning he was sweet and brought me coffee and then all day the four of us lounged and watched movies and talked and laughed and napped.

Rick and I both stayed again Sunday night and then he left early Monday morning to make it to work on time. I talked to Nicki later that day and she said that Rick asked Kevin for my number (yeah, we totally didn't even exchange numbers! haha). I told her that I'd have her give him mine so the ball can be in his court so there is no pressure for him. The crazy thing? He called me that night. We talked for about 2 hours and everything was completely easy and normal.

Since then we've seen each other a couple more times and talked endless hours. He is genuinely someone that I love having in my life. When I'm with him I'm happy. Just happy. Of course there is some giddiness but it's more than just that. I'm myself and we tell each other absolutely everything. There are no secrets or worrying what the other one will think.

I honestly think that both of us being divorced is something that helps that though. We have both been in failed marriages that truly broke our hearts. Neither of us were perfect and we both know there were things we'd change about ourselves as well as how the relationship was handled.

The kid thing? Scares me a bit. I've actually already met the girls and they are freaking adorable. They are 6 and 3 and really like me as well. It's not that. It's actually more about if I want my own kids or not. Strangely enough, Rick and I have talked about it. Yes, I realize we've known each other less than 3 months, but again this is the open converstaion thing where we talk about everything. I'm not sure if I'd be ok with not having kids of my own or if I'd want to have Victoria and Gabby have a half sibling. He is actually open to the idea of having more kids so it'd be more about what I want. Anyhow, that part of things is actually relatively minor right now. Even though it's definitely an important thing if I'm wanting to be in a relationship with a person.

I'm not saying I'm going to go out and marry this man tomorrow. But I can tell you that I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him and who I am when I'm with him. He actually encourages me to have friends and chase my dreams instead of holding me back telling me I can't do it.

So how soon is too soon? I know I'm the only one that will know for sure...but I guess just some other opinions would be ok with me.

'You smell delicious'

Can I just tell you how stupid guys are sometimes? haha! I was out with friends last Friday night and this group of guys started hitting on us. They were slightly intoxicated but were buying us drinks, so who were we to refuse? I'm all about playing the game. haha! Buy me drinks, feel free to flirt and think you are getting somewhere, then I'll move on. Evil? Yes. Genius? Of course! Anyhow, so the guy that was hitting on me walked over and started introducing himself and then sniffed me. Just up and took a big old whif. What the fuck, buddy? I told him that was completely creepy but he did it again. Like it was a compliment to keep inhaling my smell. He kept randomly stopping his sentence and saying, "You smell delicious" or "Seriously, what perfume are you wearing?"

There is really no point of this story other than when I was telling one of my guy friends he completely honestly went, "That isn't a compliment for a girl? Maybe I shouldn't do that" hahaha! He was dead fucking serious too! Smelling nice is a compliment...getting sniffed up one side and down another on the other hand, is what we females call skin-crawling-creepy.

Angry

I'm so angry toward Ryan about so many things. Don't get me wrong, I know I am in a much better place emotionally now than I could ever think of being for the past two years. But I am so resentful to him about so many things.

Financially, right now, I'm dying. I was so broken and so hurt that when I walked away from the marriage I walked away from just about everything. Everyone in my life kept telling me to ask for more when we settled things, but I just didn't understand why. I saw that I was getting myself back out of the deal and that's what I wanted. The rest is just stuff. And don't get me wrong, it still is just stuff. But wouldn't you know how much easier it is to live with a few of those stuff things. Oh you know, like a mattress and a couch and such things as those.

The only thing I asked for was half of the cash amount we got as wedding gifts. The rat bastard talked me into giving that to me in $200 payments every month. Why exactly did I agree to this? Because I was still broken then. And didn't realize how broke I was.

I'm not bitching about this because I think that money buys happiness. I know that it doesn't. I do know that is makes life easier in some aspects, but I'd never trade money for happiness. I lived like that once and literally wanted to die. The main thing that angers me so much? How much of a fuck head he is.

While we were married we didn't have internet. When we went grocery shopping there were certain brands of chips I wasn't allowed to buy because they were too expensive. Stupid shit like that was a regular occurance in our household. He was convinced we were going broke at every nod of the head. I'd spend every single penny I was making on paying off the student loans he was convinced were ruining our lives and our credit and in paying my car loan and other utility bills when I could. His money? Went toward the mortgage and picked up the other utility bills I couldn't and then went straight to savings. I'm not saying that savings isn't important but he now has an extremely healthy savings account while mine barely makes it to the next paycheck to pay the bills I've got.

Since I've moved out he has redecorated two rooms of the house, bought a 42" plasma television, gotten internet, amped his violin, bought an $800 violin, and completely re-done his wardrobe. The kicker? He tells me how much he gave up and how I don't realize how much he's sacraficed.

I'm sleeping on a fucking air mattress in an apartment with furniture that has all been handed down to me while you sleep in an almost $200k house furnished with stainless steel appliances, your own washer and dryer, and gorgeous furniture. What exactly did you give up fuck head?

Happy = Boring

I've decided I'm pretty boring when I'm happy. Well, I'm at least a pretty boring blogger. I don't have all that much to complain about in my life right now. And quite honestly, why would I want to document every single happy thing that happens in my life if it happens on a daily basis? haha!

Money is stressful. But I think it is for everyone not matter how wealthy or poor you are. It's just taking a lot of getting used to. I used to have about three times the amount of income to pay bills, grocery shop and play with that I do now. Not that life was better then, it was absolutely worse. It's just some adjusting.

Otherwise everything is quite honestly, almost perfect.

Lifestyle change

So I've realized that I desperately need to make some sort of a lifestyle change regarding my diet. I love sugar. Love it. Like literally would fuck it if it had a penis. But I know how unhealthy that is for my body.

I know myself and I know I won't be able to cut it out completely. I love it way too much and I know I'm never good at depriving myself. But I seriously need to limit my intake.

But I'm completely clueless on how to go about this. I'm dumb when it comes to knowing what is actually good for me and not just perceived to be good for me. Does anyone have any books you can recommend to me that are pretty fool proof?

Inspiring

Home Sweet Home

So I'm almost completely moved into my apartment :) It's such an amazing feeling. Almost all of my stuff is there minus a few more clothes and another television. Now I just have to purchase a couch, an entertainment center and a bed. I'm currently sleeping on an air matress and I can't even discribe the discomfort. haha! It's a really nice one and I'm very grateful my sister is letting me use it, but it's so not fun. Anyhow...I did splurge completely on one thing ;)