I wanna sex you up...

Somewhere....deep down inside....I'm sure I do.

What is wrong with me?! Why do I not want to jump his bones every minute of every day like I used to? Now? Now I'd be ok with Saturday sex only. And even that sometimes just seems like too much work. Last night we were on our way home from the grocery store and I had sworn that it was only two nights ago that we had sex. He quickly reminded me that it was actually three nights ago and figured out that by me thinking about it, he wasn't going to get any. And boy was he right. I was just so tired! And I'm so bloated and fat and ugly. And my emotions are going 100 miles a minute.

So I'm going to download something here that I really need to get off my chest. Please don't flame me. I just need to put it in writing somewhere so I can get it out of my head:

This baby wasn't planned for right now. At all. I want a baby SOOO bad and I have for a long time. I can't wait to have his child and to be a mother and all that. I really mean that. And yes, I'm absolutely ecstatic that I will be a mother finally and not just "Becky" that is kind of a mom to the girls but definitely not. Then the feelings I have of wanting to mother them and make life decisions for them can actually happen because I'll have one of my own to do that with. But it wasn't supposed to happen right now. We were still going to go to Italy. And to Vegas again. And I have my sister's bachelorette party in July which I'll now be the fat, pregnant girl in a bar with all the young, drunk, hot girls. We were supposed to get married and I was supposed to look beautiful for him. I was supposed to keep my figure for a least a little while longer. We were enjoying being the couple that could randomly go away on a weekend and go out with our friends and have a great time with a few (or a lot) drinks. This is changing our lives. Completely. It's changing our relationship and our dynamic with each other. And it already has. There was no adjustment period or time to warm-up to the idea. I didn't have to cut out alcohol and caffeine because I was trying to be good to my eggies. Nope. Those little bitches decided to take matters into their own hands and drop even though the pills I was ingesting told them not to. And his stupid swimmers that couldn't get his ex-wife knocked up found their way just fine in my body.

I sound angry. I'm not angry. I'm just trying to adjust. I'm trying to understand what all is happening to my body right now and how to make it all work in my life. I'm a researcher and a planner. I read books and take notes and make plans for my life. Now, I know there is a post I wrote about a year or so ago that was all about not making plans for my life and all. But this is a little extreme, no?

I'm just so afraid of all of the unknowns right now, I think.

Mah bellah

Is huge. Nuff said? Seriously though...I used to have a VERY flat, attractive stomach. I used to be annoyed with the girls that even had a little roundness and wanted to have them hanging out. Now I'll have young bitches looking at me the same way. And yes, I'm well aware that there will be really no change at this point because I won't have a baby belly for awhile...but I guess I just want to document as much as possible along the way.

4w4d:

5w5d:

Grandma and Grandpa

We told my parents this weekend and it was the best feeling ever. :)

Friday night we got in kinda late but the girls were super hyped up so they played wii with Halley and Ben for a bit. Rick and I played cards with my parents and we all had a good time. My dad kept commenting how I looked pale and tired. I told him I just had a headache and it was a long week at work. He would know soon enough ;) So then we decided it was time for the girlies to go to bed so my sister took them down to her room with her (they were having a sleepover). Well my dad managed to disappear at that time too. He went down to do some laundry. So we just waited for him to come up and in the mean time my brother filled in for him at pinochle. So I went out to the front hallway to grab the gift we gave them. Very clearly it was a bottle of wine. I told Mom is was for helping us move. She decided (thank goodness) to wait until my dad came back up to open it with him. So he came up and then opened the gift. He pulled out the bottle of wine and they both said thanks. He was going to put it away when I told him there was something else in there. So he pulled out the little package I had wrapped separately. Jokingly he opened it and hid it from my mom being able to see it like he does all the time. Well she asked what it was and he told her it was a teething ring. They both looked pretty confused so I told them that we got them a gift so that they would have something there for when the baby comes to visit with us. It took about a half a second until my mom got it. Then the tears swelled up. My brother told me to shut up. haha! And my dad was so excited too. So we talked about it for a little while and I explained that we weren't telling the girls quite yet until I was a little further along. So then Mom and I proceeded to stay up another 2 hours and talk about everything. It felt so good. I was so excited and she just couldn't believe it. :)

So Saturday my mom, sister and I all went shopping. We were looking for a dress for my mom for Halley's wedding and I, obviously, needed some bigger pants for this bloated belly. We also decided to browse wedding dresses for me. And that was the plan. So we got in the store and found a few dresses for my mom and then there were some wedding dresses right there that I liked. So Halley started looking through them for me and I made a comment about them fitting now but with my ever-growing belly I wasn't sure what size I'd really need. She looked and me and kind laughed it off because she's always teasing me that I'm going to get pregnant. And I looked at her and said, "No, really this time." And there was a huge smile that came across her face. :)

The torturous part was having to spend the evening at my Grandpa's house. Not being able to tell him yet was so hard. He is going to be so excited. What made it worse is that my Grandma was even there too. So both grandparents present at the same time and I couldn't spill the beans.

So Sunday we told Rick's parents. The girls were back in their room playing and us grownups were all eating dinner together. Rick asked them how they felt about being grandparents again. Of course they said that'd be great kind of hesitantly looking between the two of us. Of course then I had a huge grin on my face so they clearly knew. His mom was cute and asked if this is what we wanted. haha! I can't say it wasn't an honest question. But of course we do!!!

So needless to say it was a fabulous weekend!

Realization

It just hit me that I cannot ride rollercoasters at all this summer. Do you understand what this means to me? Seriously! I haven't missed a summer at Cedar Point since I was tall enough to ride. I may shed a tear over this.

Journal

So this is going to take a bit of a different turn than I every expected it to. I was looking back through my old posts and I was such a sad person. I was so beat down and hurt and alone that it makes me sad just thinking about it. What a horrible time in my life. But now, I'm so happy I can't even explain it. I may not wake up with a smile every day (because I hate mornings more than anything) but I am happier than I knew even possible. I've realized why pregnant women glow...because they are so freakin happy! haha!

So I think I'm going to journal this journey. Ha! I kinda like that :) This is bound to get quite boring, but from the very beginning this blog has been for me and my thoughts and feelings...so sorry! ;)

So today I'm 4w6d pregnant. Pregnant. Dear God. I just keep saying that word over and over in my head. Yesterday Meghan said the phrase "baby in your tummy" and I about pooped my pants. There is a baby. In *my* tummy. Holy shit! haha! The idea of that is so thrilling and so terrifying all at the same time. I have this horrible fear that something is going to go wrong. It was supposed to be this easy for us to get pregnant. I mean, we were preventing it and we still got knocked up. So it can't possibly go smoothly. Can it?

Right now I feel stupid for having symptoms when three days ago I didn't even know I was pregnant. I guess I was having symptoms then too, I just chalked those up to PMS. My boobs hurt. They always hurt before my period though. But let me tell you I didn't even realize I had nipple until now. They are so painful. My towel ran across them wrong and I thought I would scream. And they are huge. Is that even normal? My nipples are huge! And always hard. I really hope this is normal and I hope even more that it goes away soon. Thank goodness I have a collection of padded bras otherwise I would be quite offensive to everyone.

My stomach just feels weird. When I'm hungry I need to eat. Now. Or I might eat my arm. And I learned that orange juice on an empty stomach in the morning only causes indigestion all day. I've never had heartburn...until now. Is it weird to have it this soon? Maybe that isn't what it was. But it felt so icky right at the bottom of my ribs dead center. And I had little burps all day. So unpleasant.

I have had a serious headache for about 24 hours now. And I know it's a caffeine withdrawal. I've had them before. I had a cup of tea this morning hoping there is a smaller amount of caffeine in there than coffee but still enough to get it to go away. No such luck. And no exedrine to my rescue now.

Shit! What will I do if I get a migraine?! That's what I need to ask the doctor on Friday. I'm starting a list now like WTEWYE told me to. They said that pregnancy brain will kick in sooner than I think it will. Which for me is horrible because my normal brain can't remember 3 minutes ago.

And the tired. Oh the tired. I could sleep all day and still be tired, I just know it. I passed out last night on the couch by 9:30. I felt bad because Rick was being sweet and watching Bachelor with me. But I just couldn't help it. I was so freaking tired. Speaking of, I could totally take a nap right now....There are couches all around this office just mocking me.

Life's plans...

So the post below is what I posted a few hours after I tested. I was going insane and didn't know what to do or who I could/should tell and all that. So I wrote a private post. I figured I'd make it public for the humor of the situation. So here is a basic story:

A few weeks ago I was super duper sick. I had a bad sinus infection and no insurance yet. So I was all hopped up on OTC drugs trying to get rid of it. Well in the mean time I convinced my employer to let me go on the insurance and I'd just pay their portion. They agreed and backdated it to Jan. 1. Well that is the good and the bad about me being sick. When I was so sick I remember a specific day that I didn't take a pill. I took two the next day to make up for it (but as we quickly learn, that doesn't actually work). So the good part - I managed to get health insurance. The bad part - I managed to need that health insurance a lot sooner than I expected.

So we were supposed to go to an all day drinking bash at Kacky's (our local bar) for the playoff games and an overall fairwell to the bar. I was supposed to start my period the day before which generally doesn't get me too worked up since my schedule has been off WAY more before. But about a week before I had a little spotting. Which for me is generally a trigger to know that my period is coming. But she didn't. I kept waiting and expecting and nothing. I was super bloated with big, sore boobs and some cramping and nothing. Normally how I can jump-start my period is by peeing on a stick. And I knew this would give me piece of mind to go ahead and drink away. So I had Rick go down before me and I ran out to the drugstore (no reason to alarm him when I knew it was nothing). I grabbed a two pack of the cheapies and some Starburst and headed back home. I had to pee as soon as I got home so I headed off to do my business. Literally as soon as the pee soaked through (sorry, I know that sounds gross but really that's what it's doing) there was a plus sign. A pretty dark one. I freaked out for a second but convinced myself I needed to walk away for the whole two minutes. So I went out and set the timer and waited. It actually seemed like it was 30 seconds and the timer went off. I walked back to the bathroom and holy fuck there was still a plus sign. I hyperventilated right there on the spot. How could we possibly be pregnant already? Even if I had missed a day, there was no way it was going to be this easy. I mean both girls took fertility treatments. And we knew he didn't have perfect swimmers. So I tried to think straight for a second. I didn't know who to call or what to do. Rick, obviously, had to be the very first person that I could possibly tell. But what if I wasn't really pregnant? Then I'd still want him to be a part of that whole thing, right? Out of habit I dialed my sister but she didn't answer (looking back now, I'm really glad she didn't. Now I get to see her face when I tell her she'll have a third niece/nephew). I called Rick to see what he was doing. But I couldn't tell him over the phone while he was sitting in a bar. And I couldn't ask him to come pick me up considering he got a ride with someone else so he wouldn't have a car there. So I got in my car and went down. I messaged him to come out to walk me in and this is what I got:

Me: Can you come out and get me?

Rick: Really? Where?

Me: I'm in the parking lot

Rick: OK (But insert eye rolling and annoyance because I had never acted like this before and why would I now when he was watching a great hockey game with a cold beer?)

So he came out to the car and got in and asked me what was wrong. I told him how I had this whole thing planned that I had a cute card and some candy to give him for our one-year non-anniversary (the day we met) and all but that things changed a little bit. And I pulled out the stick. I didn't know what else to do. I figured he'd want proof or something (have I mentioned I hadn't been thinking clearly?) so I took it with me. haha! We both laughed a bit, I cried (obviously) and I was shaking so badly.

Can I just tell you how freakin happy I am? Seriously!

I'm having a baby!!!!!!!

Holy Shit!

I'm pregnant! About 3 weeks....I will be absolutely devastated if this isn't real....