And we have life...

Or at least the beginning of it. Today was the first ultrasound. :) Rick met me at Panera for a quick lunch. I ate about 3 bites because I'm still not feeling well from this stupid m/s. Then we went to the hospital together. First I had to drop off my 24 hour urine sample. Ew. haha! The I had to go to the lab to have blood drawn. We waited half an hour there (good thing we went plenty early). She called me back and said I needed to pee for her. I told her I had my u/s after that and was told to have a full bladder so I'd come back after that. She drew blood and it was super easy for her to find my vein which was a bonus.

We headed over to the ultrasound area and waited about 40 minutes. It was torture! haha! Then they called us back. The tech was really nice and explained everything that she was looking at the whole time. When she was looking at the baby she said my uterus sits pretty far back and she could see a tiny flicker but couldn't get a good enough reading to measure. So she had to do an internal. It was no big deal (even though now I'm cramping like woah). She found it right away and measured and the little bean has a heartbeat of 120 which she said was really good. Of course I've googled the crap out of it since then and found that is right on. :)

So there it is. A tiny little blob that is growing into our new baby. I'm afraid to scan the photo right now since I'm at work considering I'm not planning on telling them for a little while yet. But I'll probably scan it to save a copy next week at my mom's.

We are planning on telling the girls tomorrow night. I got them super cute shirts and I can't wait to hear their reactions (I think). Gabby's shirt says, "I have a secret" on the front which is more than perfect considering pretty much everything that comes out of that child's mouth is prefaced with those four words. And the back says, "This little monkey is going to be a big sister!" Victoria's shirt says, "I'm going to bee a big sister...again" and has a cute picture of a bumble bee.

Then we are planning on telling the rest of his family next weekend when we all go to the casino for his dad's birthday. A bunch of friends have been invited so they'll all find out then. And we are going to Canton that Sunday to tell my grandparents. From that point on it's pretty much fair game for everyone to know. We debated waiting, but I want to be able to enjoy every possible minute of this fabulous pregnancy, so we are telling :)

So sick

And I feel like a total whiney baby about the whole thing. But I can't help it. So I'm pretty sure that I not only started experiencing morning sickness this weekend, I also came down with the flu. So miserable. I literally laid on the couch all weekend just sick and not happy. Last night I started feeling a lot better. I got my appetite back and started eating quite a bit again. I think that's when the flu ended. Then this morning, right back to feeling miserable again. I woke up and about 5 minutes later I was puking.

This is so not fun. I'm actually leaving work at lunch time and working from home the rest of the day. I feel bad because I did that Friday too, but I'm just so freaking sick. I'd much rather puke in my own toilet than our work toilet.

ugh...

I wanna sex you up...

Somewhere....deep down inside....I'm sure I do.

What is wrong with me?! Why do I not want to jump his bones every minute of every day like I used to? Now? Now I'd be ok with Saturday sex only. And even that sometimes just seems like too much work. Last night we were on our way home from the grocery store and I had sworn that it was only two nights ago that we had sex. He quickly reminded me that it was actually three nights ago and figured out that by me thinking about it, he wasn't going to get any. And boy was he right. I was just so tired! And I'm so bloated and fat and ugly. And my emotions are going 100 miles a minute.

So I'm going to download something here that I really need to get off my chest. Please don't flame me. I just need to put it in writing somewhere so I can get it out of my head:

This baby wasn't planned for right now. At all. I want a baby SOOO bad and I have for a long time. I can't wait to have his child and to be a mother and all that. I really mean that. And yes, I'm absolutely ecstatic that I will be a mother finally and not just "Becky" that is kind of a mom to the girls but definitely not. Then the feelings I have of wanting to mother them and make life decisions for them can actually happen because I'll have one of my own to do that with. But it wasn't supposed to happen right now. We were still going to go to Italy. And to Vegas again. And I have my sister's bachelorette party in July which I'll now be the fat, pregnant girl in a bar with all the young, drunk, hot girls. We were supposed to get married and I was supposed to look beautiful for him. I was supposed to keep my figure for a least a little while longer. We were enjoying being the couple that could randomly go away on a weekend and go out with our friends and have a great time with a few (or a lot) drinks. This is changing our lives. Completely. It's changing our relationship and our dynamic with each other. And it already has. There was no adjustment period or time to warm-up to the idea. I didn't have to cut out alcohol and caffeine because I was trying to be good to my eggies. Nope. Those little bitches decided to take matters into their own hands and drop even though the pills I was ingesting told them not to. And his stupid swimmers that couldn't get his ex-wife knocked up found their way just fine in my body.

I sound angry. I'm not angry. I'm just trying to adjust. I'm trying to understand what all is happening to my body right now and how to make it all work in my life. I'm a researcher and a planner. I read books and take notes and make plans for my life. Now, I know there is a post I wrote about a year or so ago that was all about not making plans for my life and all. But this is a little extreme, no?

I'm just so afraid of all of the unknowns right now, I think.

Mah bellah

Is huge. Nuff said? Seriously though...I used to have a VERY flat, attractive stomach. I used to be annoyed with the girls that even had a little roundness and wanted to have them hanging out. Now I'll have young bitches looking at me the same way. And yes, I'm well aware that there will be really no change at this point because I won't have a baby belly for awhile...but I guess I just want to document as much as possible along the way.

4w4d:

5w5d:

Grandma and Grandpa

We told my parents this weekend and it was the best feeling ever. :)

Friday night we got in kinda late but the girls were super hyped up so they played wii with Halley and Ben for a bit. Rick and I played cards with my parents and we all had a good time. My dad kept commenting how I looked pale and tired. I told him I just had a headache and it was a long week at work. He would know soon enough ;) So then we decided it was time for the girlies to go to bed so my sister took them down to her room with her (they were having a sleepover). Well my dad managed to disappear at that time too. He went down to do some laundry. So we just waited for him to come up and in the mean time my brother filled in for him at pinochle. So I went out to the front hallway to grab the gift we gave them. Very clearly it was a bottle of wine. I told Mom is was for helping us move. She decided (thank goodness) to wait until my dad came back up to open it with him. So he came up and then opened the gift. He pulled out the bottle of wine and they both said thanks. He was going to put it away when I told him there was something else in there. So he pulled out the little package I had wrapped separately. Jokingly he opened it and hid it from my mom being able to see it like he does all the time. Well she asked what it was and he told her it was a teething ring. They both looked pretty confused so I told them that we got them a gift so that they would have something there for when the baby comes to visit with us. It took about a half a second until my mom got it. Then the tears swelled up. My brother told me to shut up. haha! And my dad was so excited too. So we talked about it for a little while and I explained that we weren't telling the girls quite yet until I was a little further along. So then Mom and I proceeded to stay up another 2 hours and talk about everything. It felt so good. I was so excited and she just couldn't believe it. :)

So Saturday my mom, sister and I all went shopping. We were looking for a dress for my mom for Halley's wedding and I, obviously, needed some bigger pants for this bloated belly. We also decided to browse wedding dresses for me. And that was the plan. So we got in the store and found a few dresses for my mom and then there were some wedding dresses right there that I liked. So Halley started looking through them for me and I made a comment about them fitting now but with my ever-growing belly I wasn't sure what size I'd really need. She looked and me and kind laughed it off because she's always teasing me that I'm going to get pregnant. And I looked at her and said, "No, really this time." And there was a huge smile that came across her face. :)

The torturous part was having to spend the evening at my Grandpa's house. Not being able to tell him yet was so hard. He is going to be so excited. What made it worse is that my Grandma was even there too. So both grandparents present at the same time and I couldn't spill the beans.

So Sunday we told Rick's parents. The girls were back in their room playing and us grownups were all eating dinner together. Rick asked them how they felt about being grandparents again. Of course they said that'd be great kind of hesitantly looking between the two of us. Of course then I had a huge grin on my face so they clearly knew. His mom was cute and asked if this is what we wanted. haha! I can't say it wasn't an honest question. But of course we do!!!

So needless to say it was a fabulous weekend!

Realization

It just hit me that I cannot ride rollercoasters at all this summer. Do you understand what this means to me? Seriously! I haven't missed a summer at Cedar Point since I was tall enough to ride. I may shed a tear over this.

Journal

So this is going to take a bit of a different turn than I every expected it to. I was looking back through my old posts and I was such a sad person. I was so beat down and hurt and alone that it makes me sad just thinking about it. What a horrible time in my life. But now, I'm so happy I can't even explain it. I may not wake up with a smile every day (because I hate mornings more than anything) but I am happier than I knew even possible. I've realized why pregnant women glow...because they are so freakin happy! haha!

So I think I'm going to journal this journey. Ha! I kinda like that :) This is bound to get quite boring, but from the very beginning this blog has been for me and my thoughts and feelings...so sorry! ;)

So today I'm 4w6d pregnant. Pregnant. Dear God. I just keep saying that word over and over in my head. Yesterday Meghan said the phrase "baby in your tummy" and I about pooped my pants. There is a baby. In *my* tummy. Holy shit! haha! The idea of that is so thrilling and so terrifying all at the same time. I have this horrible fear that something is going to go wrong. It was supposed to be this easy for us to get pregnant. I mean, we were preventing it and we still got knocked up. So it can't possibly go smoothly. Can it?

Right now I feel stupid for having symptoms when three days ago I didn't even know I was pregnant. I guess I was having symptoms then too, I just chalked those up to PMS. My boobs hurt. They always hurt before my period though. But let me tell you I didn't even realize I had nipple until now. They are so painful. My towel ran across them wrong and I thought I would scream. And they are huge. Is that even normal? My nipples are huge! And always hard. I really hope this is normal and I hope even more that it goes away soon. Thank goodness I have a collection of padded bras otherwise I would be quite offensive to everyone.

My stomach just feels weird. When I'm hungry I need to eat. Now. Or I might eat my arm. And I learned that orange juice on an empty stomach in the morning only causes indigestion all day. I've never had heartburn...until now. Is it weird to have it this soon? Maybe that isn't what it was. But it felt so icky right at the bottom of my ribs dead center. And I had little burps all day. So unpleasant.

I have had a serious headache for about 24 hours now. And I know it's a caffeine withdrawal. I've had them before. I had a cup of tea this morning hoping there is a smaller amount of caffeine in there than coffee but still enough to get it to go away. No such luck. And no exedrine to my rescue now.

Shit! What will I do if I get a migraine?! That's what I need to ask the doctor on Friday. I'm starting a list now like WTEWYE told me to. They said that pregnancy brain will kick in sooner than I think it will. Which for me is horrible because my normal brain can't remember 3 minutes ago.

And the tired. Oh the tired. I could sleep all day and still be tired, I just know it. I passed out last night on the couch by 9:30. I felt bad because Rick was being sweet and watching Bachelor with me. But I just couldn't help it. I was so freaking tired. Speaking of, I could totally take a nap right now....There are couches all around this office just mocking me.