Will I ever feel normal?

I just want to feel normal again. Even if just for a day. I want to feel like myself and I don't know how to do that.

I don't want sex anymore. At all. And I love sex. I love that time that we have together making each other feel absolutely amazing. I love the way it makes me feel and who I am in the middle of it knowing I'm making him happy also. But right now? It's all I can do not to puke on him right after. That's just disgusting. And the least thing from sexy ever. My body doesn't even feel the need for it. I normally do. I normally feel the need for it a least once I day. I haven't had sex in over a week and a half and I couldn't care less. I can't even give blow jobs without gagging. So I gave him a hand job the other night. That's right. All because I felt bad for the poor guy.

I'm huge. I'm so fat that none of my clothes fit. And I can't even suck in my belly any more. I've never had to suck in my belly 24/7. And now I do and I can't even do it. I have nothing to wear and people probably think I'm just porking on the pounds. Especially those that don't know I'm pregnant.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person but this is just fucking ridiculous. I cry thinking about crying too much. Who does that?

I'm exhausted. All. The. Time. I could go to bed for the rest of the night right this very minute at 4:11pm. Why?! I used to stay up until at least 1am every night and be back up by 7:30 the next morning for work and stay out until God knows when on the weekends. Now, by 9pm I can barely keep my eyes open.

I just want to feel a little bit normal. Just for a day.

What is wrong with me?!

I have everything in the world going for me right now and all I can seem to do is bitch and moan. I have the most amazing man in my life. I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect. But all I do is complain to him about things that are completely stupid to complain about.

Like my job. I hate it, actually. I'm COMPLETELY underutilized for any kind of task I can rock and I'm completely bored 98.9% of my day here. I literally surf the internet for all but maybe 1 hour of my day. And it's not because I'm not getting my job done. It's because I have NOTHING to do. But what is wrong with that? Honestly. I'm making more now than I did at my last job and I literally have about 50 hours a week less of work to accomplish. So why do I hate it so much? As dumb as it sounds, I feel useless. I'd rather be busy all day and feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done as compared to this. It's dumb, I know. But it's true.

And I complain to Rick about it. Which is the dumbest thing ever. Poor guy works with complete idiots. And he literally does not have enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done. And I know I frustrate him so much when I complain about it. I just need to keep my freaking mouth shut.

Poor, poor pitiful me

I'm having a pity party. Again.

I have no friends here :( I'm reminded this about once a week. It's so hard! I can't really be BFFs with anyone I work with because I'm the HR person and it was made clear to me that shouldn't happen. Plus, the whole factor that I cannot currently drink makes it hard to make friends with 20 somethings anyhow. All people that are younger than me and fresh out of college. Why would they hang out not to drink? Oh, and even if I hang out at the bar with them I still can't drink. And I'm not above hanging out at the bar anyhow. But they don't know I'm pregnant here at work yet. So I have to make up excuses why I can't go to office happy hour. Ugh.

And try making friends with non-work people while being knocked up in the middle of winter of Pittsburgh anyhow. Not easy.

So...I pout. I won two tickets to the local comedy club tonight on the radio this morning. I was super excited! I love winning things and it doesn't happen all that often! But, Rick has plans with friends tonight that have been postponed several times so he can't go. And one of the two friends I have here can't go cause she has a funeral. And the other friend has not yet responded which for her, means she's not interested.

Poor, poor pitiful me...

Check-in

So not a lot and a whole lot has been going on the past few weeks of this pregnancy. I'm still sicker than sick. Well, without my Zofran I would be anyhow. But even with this drug I'm still feeling pretty sick a good majority of the time. My hormones have been very out of whack. Much more than I ever thought they'd be. And I'm having a hard time balancing them out again. I've been dealing with a pretty serious case of depression also. Sometimes it's hard to see when you are in the middle of it, but I know that's absolutely what I've been going through. Now that the sunshine is out and a lot of the snow is melting away, I'm feeling much better already. Still not normal, but I don't expect to feel "normal" for quite some time now. haha! My boobs are HUGE! Seriously! haha! I got measured this weekend and I'm up to a 34D. That's two cup sizes up from where I used to be. That's ridiculous!! I'm still pretty bloated, but it hasn't been crazy. I can actually fit into my normal jeans, but they are definitely tight. And tight jeans on an already icky belly does not help the morning sickness. So I'm now rocking the maternity jeans. haha! That's right, at 10w5d I'm rocking the maternity jeans. Oh well, could be worse I suppose. :)

The weight of the world

I've always carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I always take everything personal and strive to make everyone happy at every moment possible. It's what I do. I worry about what other people think, how they feel, if they are happy and I stress about it to no end. Even if I know there is not a single thing I can do to change that feeling/situation at that point. Now that I'm pregnant, I seem to do this 100 times more than I ever used to. Which is SO not healthy for me. But I don't know how to stop it.

Almost an automatic response I've been getting from people as soon as they find out we are expecting is when we are getting married. I'm so frustrated and upset and hurt by this statement. Especially the people that are saying it. My grandma had me in tears over it. (The situation has since been resolved and she was made aware of her mean words. But no less, they hurt.) People that know me and people that don't.

There are marriages that are entered and fail on a regular basis because of a pregnancy. Why would anyone wish that on us. And what makes it right or wrong to have to be married in order to have a baby?

We are planning to get married and we were planning on it long before we found out we were expecting. But the fact that people are so rude about it really upsets me. It also worries me that I've made a comment to someone unknowingly at some point.

I've decided to be a bitch about it too. When someone asks if we are planning to get married, I'm going to tell them no that I prefer to raise a bastard child. Think that will shut them up?

"Becky, what's happening with the baby?"

This is the question I get from the girlies every time I see them. Mostly from Victoria. And it is so stinking adorable to me. I melt every time I hear it. :) She wants to know what is growing on the baby and what is happening in there, as she puts it. How cute is that?

Last night, the four of us were having dinner and she asked about the baby. I told her the baby can wiggle it's fingers and toes now. Gabby then asked if the baby has a bottle yet. haha! I laughed and told her that the baby doesn't need a bottle in my belly and I'm not sure how we'd get it in there anyhow. She didn't understand how the baby can eat without it and I told her that the baby gets food from me eating. She doesn't quite get the whole thing, but she's trying. :) Then she moved on to asking about highchairs and baby food and all that good stuff.

I love my girls!

Baby Bean

Here s/he is in all their glory! :) And yes, I totally realize it's only a blob...