I'm a bitch

That's how I've felt for the past two days. Like I'm just in this horribly bitchy mood and I don't know why. I hate money with a passion and I think that's been fueling my mood. There is just never enough for those that need it and too much for those that don't. That's the cycle of life though...

Postponed

So I had to change my second appointment with the therapist. There are 2 reasons.
1. I really can't take as much time off work as I have been.
2. I haven't told Ryan yet. That's right, I'm chicken shit. We already knew that. But we've been doing so great lately and I don't want to jinx it by telling him I've been trying to not commit suicide by seeing someone on the side.
Unfortunately, the next appointment she had wasn't for a whole month. Literally. Oh well. Better later than never, right?

So I'm at a dilema right now...On May 24th I have an amazing ticket for the floor of the Brown's Stadium to watch Kenny Chesney and a whole shit ton of other artists preform (including Keith Urban. ::swoon::). What's the problem you ask? Why don't I just go and get wasted and sing my little heart out? Well, Dad and Ben are going out of town to go fishing for the whole, long weekend and Mom wants me to come over and scrapbook and spend the night. I know, to most that sounds like an easy pick - the concert. But it's really not. I love my mommy so much and I love spending time with her and that could be such a fun day and night. Ugh...what to do. . . .

I suck at these

I never claimed to be a good blogger. I realize it's been a week and a half since I've last posted. That's the way I am with anything where I'm jotting down my thoughts. I wait very impatiently for everyone else to update, but when it comes to my own it's safe to say it may take a million years for me to update. Oh well!

What's new? Hm, well Joey's bridal shower was last weekend. That went pretty well I guess. No one died anyhow. And they ended up with a shit-ton of gifts. This weekend I had 2 showers for Chrissy. It's safe to say that I get pretty pissy having to hear all about her pregnancy and shit. Seriously who said they can be the first to have a baby?

Saturday me, Joey, Joe, Nicki, Kevin and Ben all went to the Whiskey Ranch to ride the bull. I dropped that shit like it was hot. haha! Seriously though, I had a lot of fun with it! Then Aunt Teri and Uncle Dale showed up. I really wanted him to ride, but he didn't. Oh well. The bad news about it - my thighs and groin are making me pay for every damn second I was on that thing. That's all for now...I've got work to do.

1st Day on the Couch

So yesterday was my first therapy session with Melinda Liber. First off, let me tell you how sweet and honestly caring she is. I know she gets paid to be that way, but I think that she genuinely cares about people. She's not just there for shits and giggles, she really does want what's best for her patients/clients (I haven't gotten all the lingo down yet). Ryan still doesn't know. Ugh...I suck at life sometimes. I'm such chicken shit around him most of the time. I just don't know how to tell him. Here's what I'm thinking. I'll say that I had a consultation with her and that I would like him to go with me to the next appointment. Sound good? We'll see....

She told me, in so many words, that she thinks we'll either get him to counseling with me, or I'll find the courage to make the drastic change that needs to be made. I'm scared. But I also feel liberated after just one appointment. This could be a good thing for me. A really good thing.

800 things

I hate when I have 800 things running through my brain at all the same time. I'll jot a few out here:

1- Joey's shower is Saturday and I'm scared shitless that I've forgotten something huge and super important!
2- She sent me her invitation stuff and I'm nervous that the comments I sent back sound mean or something
3- I hate my job a lot of days. I really shouldn't becuase it's pretty easy and laid back, but all I want to do is plan a wedding and get paid for it and that consumes my mind most days.
4- While I do feel bad for people who cannot conceive a baby and I know that I have absolutely no comprehension of what they are going through, I sometimes wish that they would take a step back and see what the rest of us see. And no, I'm not one that thinks they should just give up and adopt or just relax or any of that non-sensicle bullshit. I want them to remember what it was like before they were struggling with this. That when they offered their ((hugs)) and the best words they could muster, that they truly did it out of respect and genuine concern. And while we understand that words will never be enough for the pain and anger they are feeling, we don't know what else to do to help. Whew, that one was bothering me bad.
5- I finished my first 3 miles of my training schedule last night for my 60 mile walk in August. It felt good. It felt good mostly because Ryan was discouraging me from accomplishing it but I did it anyhow. It felt damn good actually. And it's only the beginning.
6- Just be happy for me. That's all I really want to tell some people. Ok, just one. That's all I want to tell Ryan. Just be happy and proud of me. I'm sure he had to have told me at some point that he was proud of me. But all I ever remember is the disappointment he has in me and my actions. That's hard and frustrating.
7- I just want to blend in some days. I just want to be one of the crowd instead of the one who solves the problems and always has to find the solution
8- I may have already said this (yes, I'm lazy enough to not go back and look) but I'm nervous for today. It's my first day to the therapist and I'm seriously nervous. I think I'm mostly nervous for Ryan's reaction when he finds out I went.

So I know I only listed 8, but trust me, there are 792 other things going through this stupid little brain of mine right now. But that's all I could think of. The only way I can keep my life straight is through lists. In fact, I have 5 different lists for Joey's shower on Saturday alone. 5. Ridic.

Short and sweet

I know this is going to sound horribly insensitive and aweful. But that's why I'm posting it on my private blog. Sometimes I envy people with IF issues. Wha? Wha? Yeah, it's true. I envy them because they have gotten to a point in there ever loving, ever open relationship with their husbands to know that they have fertility issues. Hell, I have no idea whether or not I can get pregnant. I'm not even at the point where I know if I need any kind of tests or anything done. Fuck it.

Hola!

Sorry, I took a few days (ok, a week) off. I wasn't feeling to chatty. Could be cause damn AF was ramping up to show her ugly head. But at least she's here now and hopefully leaving soon.

So this weekend Ryan and I had a good weekend. There was very little yelling, very little fighting and much less angryness than normal. We went to Columbus Friday morning for one of this shows for work. We got there about 1:30 or so (after a stop for lunch and checking in to the hotel - the shitty, shitty hotel). On Friday we were spying on the competition. It was kind of fun because I love horse stuff and I kinda felt comfortable there. Then, through all of his griping, we walked around until about 7:30 when the doors opened to the show. It was called Fantasia and though it got a little drawn out after awhile, it was a lot of fun. Some of the stuff they can get those horses to do is amazing to me! I loved it! After the show (about 10:00) we headed up to Polaris Parkway to eat dinner at Quaker Steak. It was pretty yummy but there was this aweful 'band' (I use the term loosely) playing and we didn't exactly linger there. lol!

Then we headed back to the hotel for a quick night's sleep. We both got up and got showers and were in the lobby eating breakfast by 8:00. He headed off with the other people from work to the show and I was back up to Polaris. I love Easton, but it was cold and rainy and icky so I stuck to the indoor stuff. Let me tell you how not fun shopping is when you are completely broke. It totally sucked! Then again, this is coming from the girl that can easily power shop $500 away in less than an hour.

After I was done galavanting around, I headed over to the McDonald's near the show and let Ryan know I was there. I read the free paper I got that day and waited for him. After he met me there we went back to Polaris so he could look around a bit and ate at Hoggy's (a.maz.ing) and then headed home 10 lbs. fatter. We made it back to Dalton about 4:15 and I made it to my parent's house about 4:45 to pick Max up. On our way home from Columbus Ryan got a call from his brother asking if he wanted to play in their indoor soccer game that night. So after I picked Max up I couldn't doddle around too much in order to make it home to go to the game with them.

Dustin and Jen (his brother and fiance) picked us up and we headed over there. We had originally planned on going bowling or something fun like that but the local bowling alley was charging $12 a person for a not so fun night, so we already ruled that out. I was hoping that when we got back and the boys got showered we could all hang out at our house and play board games or something. But they never called or came over, so that was a little sad. But oh well.

Anyhow, basically the point of this long winded post is to tell you that I had a pretty good weekend. Minus the cramps and overall ickyness from AF.