Dear little bug,

Where do I begin? You are still the little alien inside of my belly poking and prodding and stretching trying to find more space for your ever growing little self. You get the hiccups at least once a day and it is really quite amusing to me. I already know you are like your momma just from that. But don't worry, if that's the worst trait you get from me, you are one lucky little girl. ;)

You have been growing in my for almost 36 weeks now. I'll never forget the day I found out you were in there. Daddy had already gone down to the football party at our local bar. The last day the place was open. I stayed behind because I was finishing unpacking all of my stuff and getting organized as I had just moved in here about 3 weeks before that. For about a week I had been feeling a little 'off' and a few other things weren't exactly meshing either. At first I just chalked it up to the stress of moving and starting a new job and getting over a nasty sinus infection. But I knew I'd be partaking in some adult beverages so I thought I better just be safe. I made a quick trip to the drug store and with shaking hands came back home for the longest two minute wait of my life. Before the two minutes was up, I already had my answer. I was expecting a little miracle.

I calmed down, called Aunt Halley (who didn't answer, which in the end was a good thing cause I got to tell her in a much better way) and paced all around the house. Daddy was expecting me down at the party so I got in the car, stick in hand, and drove down there. I asked him to come walk me in when I got there and he thought it was quite strange behavior from me but as he always does, he did what would make me happy. He got in the car and I pulled out the stick to show him. Shock would be an understatement. But he was also so completely excited. We knew we wanted a little baby of our own some day, we just weren't quite sure when. Turns out, you knew when much better than we did. We kept it a secret from all of our friends until we could get into the doctor. It was one of the most magical nights I've ever had with Daddy. We had this amazing secret of knowing that our love created a little life and just a tiny glance at each other reminded us of this secret. I think both of us could have bursted out of our skin that night.

To say that this whole time has been that magical would be a total lie. And don't worry, I plan on keeping that in my bag of arsenal for when you are a teenager and are positive you hate me. ;) You've been given some very interesting nicknames during this time. My favorite (and Grandma Bobbi's least favorite) is blood sucking gremlin. See, you have made mommy one sick puppy this whole time. But it's ok, that means that you are healthy and I wasn't in danger of losing you.

I can't tell you that I'm in love with you yet. I don't even know who you are. But what I can tell you is that I think about you all day every day and dream about you at night. I can't wait to meet you and get to know the person that you'll be. I can't wait to touch you and hold you and smell you. To watch you sleep and to see you cry your pitiful little cry. To watch Daddy hold his little girl and see you wrap him around your little finger just as your two older sisters have.

Oh yeah, and about your older sisters. They can't wait to meet you. Victoria already calls you her Reesey Piecey. It is quite adorable and melts my heart every time. She always asks where your head is so she can kiss you through my belly. She's going to be an amazing big sister and such a helper to me. And Gabby, well is just Gabby. You know the day they found out you'd be joining our family she was very quick to offer that you could share her bed with her. And though she quickly changed her tune when I mentioned you may cry all night, I know she'll share her bed with you if you ever needed it.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you already. Just like any other parent, I wish even better for you than I ever had. I hope to show you the immeasurable amount of love that Grandma and Grandpa showed to me. I hope that you feel comfortable in your own skin and grow to be a woman your own children will admire some day. I won't always be your best friend, but I promise I will be your biggest supporter and protector.

You are my little bug, my little gremlin. I know some day soon I will need to share you with the rest of the world. But for right now, you are mine alone and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

32 weeks

So here we are, at the 32 week mark. It's so hard to believe that this little bug has been growing in my for so long. In some ways it seems like so long ago that I peed on that little stick and went with shaking hands to tell Rick and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.

I figured I'd jot down where I am with everything at this moment:

I'm completely and totally overwhelmed. I'm still sick a good majority of the time. No one really knows how sick I am as I've gotten quite good at hiding it when I need to. Part of me is annoyed with myself by this because how can I expect them to cut me any kind of break if they don't even know. But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer all day every day. So I suck it up and move on. I have so much I want to get done before she gets here and yet in the strangest way I have no motivation to get off the couch sometimes. Could all stem back to the sick thing...or I could just be a horribly lazy person.

I'm trying my absolute best to make this as seamless of a thing for the girls. I want Reese to fit in just right and almost seem as though there hasn't been such a HUGE change in their life. Even though there will clearly be a huge change in their lives.

I'm having a hard time with balance. Not in the physical sense, but in balancing everything going on with my life. Trying to balance my family, my in-laws, my new kids, my future kid, my husband, my household, my work, my upcoming labor and delivery, etc. I know it's all totally normal for all moms and that everyone goes through this. Sometimes it just seems like a little too much every single day to deal with.

But alas, life goes on :)

Stepmom

I love my girls. I love them more than I could ever tell you in words. I'd give my life for them. To see them sad or upset breaks my heart. To see them happy melts it. But I'm just their stepmom. I'm nothing more and I'm certainly nothing less. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes. Especially the weekends that they get to spend with us. They seem like our girls. Just mine and his. I mean, I know they aren't. Especially when to get my attention they call my first name. But I'm not their mother. I would never want to replace her. They love her so very much. She's the one they cry for sometimes when they are upset. I know that feeling. I have my own momma that I still cry for when I'm sad or hurt.

But even knowing this or remembering it when they are with me doesn't make it easier. Sometimes it's really, really hard. See, I'm not the one that makes the big decisions for their life. I only get to follow through with the decisions that have been made for them by their biological parents. Whether or not I agree with those decisions, they have already been made. I don't get to decide what Victoria does or does not do when it comes to sports. I don't get to decide when Gabby should stop sucking her thumb. I don't get to decide what shots they get at the doctor. I don't even get to decide when they go to the doctor and what doctor they go to. I simply get to follow through. Sounds easy enough, but trust me when I say it's not. It's the hardest thing in the entire world.

Now, I'm not crying woe is me on this. I chose this life. I want this life. I wouldn't trade it. I still get to be something more special to these girls than anyone else will ever understand. It's just that some things are harder than others. And right now is one of those times that I'm having a hard time with it. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hello stranger...

So it's been a little while since I posted. Sorry! But I promise you'll forgive me when you hear what I've been up to!

I got married this weekend :) Yay! I'm officially a Mrs! It was absolutely fabulous! We had dinner for 23 of our family up on Mt. Washington and had the ceremony right there in the restaurant overlooking the beautiful city. It was a complete fairytale. And I have to admit, looking back at the photos, I did look pretty hot ;) It was actually kind of funny how self conscious I was about having a big baby belly and being in a wedding dress. It felt a little weird to me. But it wasn't a bad thing...just different than I'd ever imagined, I suppose. Rick surprised me with a beautiful small bouquet of calla lilies (my favorite!) at the restaurant too. I got a BEAUTIFUL wedding ring also! Everything is so perfect!

Then on Sunday our families all went to brunch and then my family headed back to our house to see where I live. We followed them all back to the hotel to say our goodbyes and they hit the road. My parents stayed an extra night so we took the girls swimming at their hotel. The kids had a blast and I have to say I think my parents had just as much fun as they did. They are absolutely their grandparents already and it totally warms my heart.

I love my life :)

Can I just say

how amazing my life is? I have this complete and total overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am. I promise you that five years ago there is no way in hell I could have ever imagined where I'd be right now and I'm actually so grateful for that. In all reality, I've been dealt (and really probably dealt them to myself) some pretty shitty cards. I married a man that was a complete asshole. Much more of an asshole that I could have ever imagined. I was at a point a few years ago that I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed some days. I'd get up and get showered only so he didn't know that I didn't go to work that day and so it wouldn't be worse. But in the past year and a half my life has become more amazing than I knew possible. I am purely in love. I have an amazing man that appreciates and loves me so very much. He would literally do anything for me to make sure that I am provided for and taken care of. I get to marry him on Saturday and I can't even explain the emotion that I'm feeling about that. It is beyond happiness. I didn't even know this feeling existed. Add to that the fact that I have two girls that are beautiful, smart and absolutely adorable that will become my step-daughters. Two little women that love me and that I love more than I really ever understood possible. I would do anything for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. I am also carrying a healthy little bug. A little girl that was created in the passion that only grows every single day between Rick and I. Even though we didn't "plan" on her right this minute, there is nothing accidental about it. I've dreamt of the day that I would get to hold my child in my arms. I can't wait to meet this little lady and see her develop a personality that will no doubt be a combination of her father and mother.

I'm so overwhelmed with the blessings in my life. There are far too many to count and I don't even know where to begin to start counting. Every time I think of one, three more quickly flow from that. I don't know what I've done to deserve such amazingness in my life, but I'll never once question it. And I promise not to take it for granted. I promise to be thankful every day for the beautiful family I have both immediate and extended.

24 Weeks

And all is well :) I had my appointment today and my belly is measuring dead on. She said my weight gain is right where it should be as well. Though I'm slated to gain 30 lbs at this point (I was hoping to only gain 25 total), I'm ok with it. It's all for the good of the cause and if this is my one and only, I don't have to worry about hurrying up to get it off before the next. Besides, if I'm 5lbs up from my pre-mommy weight, it won't kill me.

And now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever posted the little bug's name on here. Her name will be Reese Dean. :) I can't help but smile every single time I think about it.

Here is a belly shot for future reference also!

Horrible updater

That's me, I know I'm a horrible updater. And I know some day when I'm old and crotchety and my mind forgets even more than it does now (God help us all then), I'll regret not having more info to remember this special and crazy time in my life. But until then...I'll probably remain a horrible updater :)

This little bug has been pretty active. All when no one is around to feel her anyhow. haha! Rick finally felt her little kicks on Saturday. We were driving out to Canton for my sister's graduation party and she was kicking away after lunch and he got to feel just one kick. I don't really think it's his thing though. haha! He didn't keep his hand there for more, one seemed to be enough for him. Which is totally fine with me. Definitely don't want him to ever be uncomfortable about it. Today she is a busy bug! She hasn't sat still since my commute to work this morning. Not quite sure what has gotten into her, but I can't really say that I hate it. As long as she calms down for bed time anyhow.

I've been feeling better. Most of the time. I still throw up almost every morning or come darn close to throwing up anyhow. And I still have my days sometimes when I throw up all day. Those suck. But I live through them.

But let's talk about doing the dirty for a minute. I just can't. I have a really hard time with it anyhow. When I am feeling good I suppose I should want to. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or I happen to look down and see my belly and to me, it's just ew. I know it shouldn't be that way. But I don't think I'm an attractive pregnant woman at all. And then the other night I was being a good wifey and giving long forgotten lovin with my mouth and normally that progresses into some fabulous "love making" for us. But just as I was ready for it, she kicked. And then it was over. He kept trying but I couldn't just say no because she kicked so I just kept telling him that I was enjoying what I was doing. And I was, for the first half hour. haha! But there is a human, inside of me. What is sexy about that? I know he can't touch her or hurt her or anything like that. But how am I supposed to concentrate on being pleasured when there is a human life moving around inside of me. It's just creepy. And SOOOO not sexy.