So I get these daily thought emails every week day from a magazine I subscribe to. Some of them are pretty stupid but some of them really hit me right sometimes. I save all of them to go back through when I get a few minutes and some that I thought were stupid at the time seem relevant and thoughtful now. It's funny how things work that way. Here's an example. I didn't not like this quote when I got it, it just didn't seem to fit appropriately at the time. Now, it does.
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. — Anonymous
That fits with me today. I keep thinking about all the things I've done to deserve what I'm feeling now. How this really is the life I've built for myself and how my destiny is already set with what I've got. But that's not true. I'm the only one holding myself back right now. The thoughts I have of what other people will think of me if I do leave my husband and how horrible that would seem. Truth is, it doesn't really matter. I really do know that. I think one of the hardest things for me with this is that no one in my close family has gotten a divorce. Well, my one uncle, but he's a douche bag and he's been disowned in our family (not for that reason, for many more that are much worse). But I have no experience with it. I know thousands of people go through it every single day but I find absolutely no comfort in that. Not even anyone in Ryan's family has had a divorce.
And then I scare myself wondering if I’m so busy planning this separation and divorce, am I too focused on that to even try to make anything better in our relationship? Is it possible that he’s really trying to work this out so much but I’m the one screwing it up by focusing on getting out? But what if that’s where we are? I honestly think that it’s possible to be so far gone and so down in our relationship that no matter how much counseling or changing on both of our ends, there is no going back. That we are too scarred and damaged to be able to fix it. Why can’t life be simple?
A little bit of the rollercoaster I call my ever-changing life...
Thursday, June 26, 2008
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2 comments:
I wish I could take all of your pain, frustration, and confusion away from you and lock it in a box and bury it in the ground. I wish I could give you an easy answer to an impossible situation. All I have are hugs and a shoulder to cry on.... and you're welcome to them!
Maybe a trial separation is something you need to do. Maybe, if you're away from the situation, you can take the room and time you need to regroup and see if things are fixable or not.....
I agree with Jill completely. I wish you didn't have to go through this, and I wish I could take away the sadness. There's nothing easy about this, and if it were easy, it would mean you were a different person than they strong and loving woman we know.
All I can offer is hugs. We're here if you need us!
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