Awesome Raffle!

http://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/share-code/NDA4NGNmMWYyYzRmMWU5YTM3ZWQyNzc4YzhjMzgxOjEz/

Dear Little Bug,

To my dear, sweet little bug. Where do I even begin this letter? You turned one today. A number at times I couldn't wait to reach and at others I tried pushing it away as long as possible. Just one year ago yesterday you were in my belly. You were kicking and squirming and trying to find some more space under my ribs. You decided enough was enough and made your appearance. Just one year ago today I was sitting in the hospital bed with a brand new human being staring up at me making me realize I was the one responsible to feed and clothe and shelter her. To protect her from all things bad while letting her still make her own mistakes. And all I could do was stare at you and wonder how I was feeling this ever growing love for you so quickly.

Last night you woke up about 2:30am and I let you try to soothe yourself to sleep but I could just tell you needed mama. So I made a bottle and came and cuddled you and then you fell asleep on my shoulder. I remember when you used to fit in one of my arms. Now it takes two for those long legs and chunky little bum to fit. We just sat there, just the two of us. Like a year before that when you were in my belly and I was the only one that knew you. I sat there much longer than I needed to, but I couldn't get enough of you right then.

You have turned into such an amazing little gal. I still swear you are a genius and Daddy makes fun of me for it but I know you are wiser much beyond your age. You can point to your nose and your ears and you love turning the pages to your books as I read them. You know what's coming in your favorite books too which always makes me grin. Hiding your toys is a favorite hobby too. And you are such a good girl when Mommy asks you to put your toys away, you know exactly what to do.

I love you more than there are stars in the sky, booger butt. Even though I shed a tear tonight as I put you down to sleep on your first birthday as I think back to my tiny newborn, I can't help but be excited for what is to come for us. The fun things we'll explore together. The fights we'll get into over how late you can be on the phone but then the loving hugs and kisses when we make up from those fights.

I'm bound to make mistakes through this whole thing. At the time I'm sure you'll be glad to point them out to me. But some day, when you look into the eyes of your own little bug staring up at you in your hospital bed, you'll understand that I only ever wanted the absolute best for you.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Love always,
Mommy

Dear Bugaboo -

I'm sure you've noticed by now all of the silly nicknames you've been given in your short life. Just some of the names you are currently called are Reesey Dean Sausage, Bugaboo, Pumpkin Pie, Bug, Reesie Pie and Gabby's nickname for you - Pinkalicious. Not sure where that came from or why, but she's quite proud of it. As I say in every letter, you've changed so much since last month. You are now rolling all over and purposefully to get places and scooting backwards. I'm excited and a little bit sad that you are so close to crawling. The excitement is because I know how much fun you'll have exploring your little world in your own time and at your own pace. But I'm also sad that my infant is slowing turning into a toddler. I remember bringing you home from the hospital. It was a day similar today with some random rain showers. Just as we pulled into the parking lot at home it started to sprinkle and I remember thinking how completely unperfect. But I think that little detail alone shows exactly what you've taught me every day since you've been in my life - that it won't be exactly as you expect it to but it'll be perfectly unperfect so you remember it exactly. I have a lot more to say to you, but you are demanding my attention for help building the blocks so you can knock them down. I love you more than there are stars in the sky little bug. Forever and always, Mommy

Pumpkin Pie,

I’m pretty sure I start out every single letter to you with how much I love you. I just can’t help it, because I do love you an incredible amount. It overwhelms me sometimes. So much so that I hold you tightly to my chest and just smell and kiss you. Sometimes against your will. But my to my delight, you have started loving it. We sit and cuddle and talk and smooch and giggle and it is the most magical time of my life. I wouldn’t trade those moments for a bazillion dollars. And I’ve wished for a bazillion dollars quite a few times in my life so that should tell you where you rank.

You have one heck of a temper though, little lady. If you are mad the entire world knows about it. I think you got your lungs from your Aunt Halley. She used to rattle the windows and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard ours clank a few times too.

Don’t tell anyone, but I love that you need me so much right now. For the first threeish months of your life I knew you needed me for survival and while I loved it, it seemed like too much sometimes. However, now you need me emotionally and that melts my heart. Knowing that I am the person to you that my mom was to me brings tears to my eyes. That sounds silly, and you probably won’t know what that means until you have your own little gremlin, but you’ll understand some day.

Grandma Bobbi was the best comforter in the whole world. She knew exactly how to stroke my hair and kiss my head and make everything all better. Now that I’m that for you, as basic as it may be at this point, my life feels complete. I have a purpose in my life. I have a reason to get up and get your cranky pants out of bed. The best part is that as soon as you hear my sing our morning song you stop whining and start smiling. You get so excited and reach out to me and stretch your tiny little body as far as it will go.

I have seen your beautiful little face for 6 months now. That’s half a year. It blows my mind that I have been able to keep you alive (and generally happy) that long. Surely we can make it the next 20 some years.

You have started sitting up completely on your own. Well, from a reclined position anyhow. You can roll over too, you just generally refuse to because you know someone will come along to your rescue if you just yell about it long enough. And yell you do! You don’t scream, you don’t cry, you yell when you want something. It’s actually quite comical and when I stop to laugh at you (well, with you not at you) you’ll look up at me and grin and then get back to yelling when you realize I won’t roll you over.

You are sleeping in your bed right now and you have no idea how big of a deal that is. Ever since you have been 3 weeks old you’ve been sleeping in your car seat. The doctor said it was ok so I went with it, but I’m glad you are in your bed now. And you are sleeping on your belly in your bed. I know you are supposed to be on your back but even when I start you out that way you put yourself on your belly so I figure you’ll be just fine.

I’m pretty convinced that you are going to skip crawling all together. You have no interest in spending any time learning how to crawl or get around on your belly but you are already trying to take steps. Can’t say I’d be all that surprised. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be surprised if you decide to not be mobile at all for the first year of your life just because you know your sisters will tote you around wherever you’d like go. As long as it works I say go for it, kid.

I love you, bug. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. Promise me you’ll never forget that and I promise I’ll never stop showing you.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

March 3, 2011

Dear Bug,

I’m sitting here beside you as you watch your Baby Einstein and it’s all I can do to look away from you. I’m still in awe so many times that I made you. The fact that you came out of my body is something that completely blows my mind. You are trying to figure out how to suck your thumb. It’s not that you don’t know how, you’ve done it before. I think you aren’t quite sure whether or not you want to. Maybe you hear me yelling at Gabby for sucking hers and you are trying to save us both a little trouble a few years down the road.

I do pretty much anything for a smile. In public and in private. Your favorite song is ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ and it has been for about 3 months now. It makes you grin every time. Sometimes even when you are screaming your head off. Those are my favorite times. You want to keep crying because you just do, but you can’t help but smile too. It’s quite a funny little sight.

The novelty of you is slowing starting to wear off on your sisters. While they love entertaining you and playing with you, they are back to not doing it every waking moment. Some days I beg them to just so I can finish dinner and they begrudgingly oblige me but are soon giggling along with you. Those brief moments melt my heart. I’ve thought a dozen times now how I wish I would get those on film so that we’ll remember them for years to come, but I can’t seem to force myself to stop watching long enough to get the video app or camera up and running. That’s ok though. There were moments like that when I was young that we can now all talk about and don’t need video to remind ourselves.

Just the other day the girls held a photoshoot and you were there one and only model. They set up different scenes and had me change your outfit for them. They included a bowling scene, beach scene, spring setting, Easter egg hunt, and school scene. It was really quite comical. Gabby was not a happy camper when we told her that you had stated in your contract that you needed a break every so often for a bottle, but she survived and quickly moved on to playing with Pappy instead.

Sleep is starting to become a more regular thing for you also. Some nights you sleep almost completely through and I actually find myself refreshed in the morning. Trust me when I say that’s healthiest for all involved in our household (Daddy especially). About a week ago you started sitting up on your own. You sat down on the floor and looked up at me and in your little mind speak I heard you say, ‘See, Mom. I knew I could do it. I’m not sure why I had to prove it to you.’ That seems to be how you do everything. Like you’ve done it your whole life and are only doing it now to appease me. But that’s ok, I’ll take that.

My tiny little newborn is long gone. You are such a beautiful infant now and I fear a toddler much sooner than I would like. New things excite you so much. Your arms and legs tense up and you reach your longest reach for them. You love exploring new things. The other night Daddy commented how you seem to take everything in completely before you move on. You are very careful and slow to understand it and comprehend it. You opened and closed your little book about 15 times like you were trying to figure out how it worked. And then you understood it completely. You knew you could open and close it as you needed to and that was good for you

You have absolutely no idea how much you are adored and by so many people. You won’t know for many years. Until you have a little gremlin yourself. Then you’ll begin to understand that depth and magnitude of love that can be felt toward another human being. I love getting to know you and your silly, impatient personality. Every day is something new and exciting. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, little bug.

Love always,

Mommy

Day 3

My first love.

Well I have a lot of first loves.

My first romantic love? R.J. He was my high school boyfriend. I did love him. We grew up together. One of us a little more than the other, but still together no less. We met when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He pursued me more than I did him, and he was hella hot so I was hella flattered. ;) I remember that at one of my choir concerts he showed up late in his dirty baseball uniform and all of the girls were whispering trying to figure out who he was and I was so excited to exclaim that he was mine. haha! I honestly learned how to love when I dated him. I learned about jealousy and trust and happiness and hurt. An experience I wouldn't trade for anything. It helped me be who I am today.

Day 2

The story behind my blog name:

My blog was created as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations in a horrible marriage. I originally started it with no intent of sharing with anyone else. I was internalizing way too much and needed to release and this was my way. It was living a daily rollercoaster of a life. One minute we'd be happy and normal and the next would be such an extreme opposite. Little did I know that the true rollercoaster was yet to come. :) Sometimes I like to look back at those horrible posts simply to remind myself how strong of a person I am to have made it where I am.

I like to give this little breakdown of my life for those unaware of the rollercoaster I actually lived. All of the following events have happened in the past 5 years of my life:

Graduated college

Started a new job

Got married

Moved into a new apartment

Bought a car

(all of those things happened within 60 days)

Bought a puppy

Bought a house

Moved into the house all by myself

Started a new job

Bought another puppy

Bought our third puppy

Moved in with my parents

Got divorced

Got my own apartment

Started dating someone (with two kids)

Moved to Pittsburgh

Started a new job

Got pregnant

Got married

Had a baby

And here we are :)

Day 1

My name is Rebeca Sue. My first name was after my dad's ex-girlfriend (my mother is a very patient woman ;) ) and my middle name is after my mother's middle name. I am 5'7" with light brown hair and blue eyes. I have a beautiful 11 week old daughter named Reese, an 8 year old step-daughter named Victoria and a 4 (almost 5) year old step-daughter named Gabriella. They keep me extremely busy at all times but happier than I ever knew possible. Here are 15 facts about me:

1-I LOVE my middle name. My grandpa calls my mom Susie and my Little Susie and it is the most special thing I've ever been called.

2-I was married and divorced all before I turned 25.

3-My 25th birthday was the best birthday of my life thus far.

4-While I now have my own family, I still consider my parents and siblings to be "my family" more often than my daughters and husband. It's weird to think I'm a mother in the same way my mom is one.

5-I miss my maternal grandmother every day of my life. She'd be so in love with Reese.

6-I hate my body. Every thing about it except my eyes.

7-I used to hate chocolate but now I find myself craving it.

8-It's no secret to anyone but I LOVE the Grinch. In fact, I have an unhealthy obsession with it.

9-I didn't fall in love with my daughter until she was about 9 weeks old. Now, I can't get enough of her.

10-My husband makes me laugh every single day.

11-The thought of March Madness gets me excited - even in December.

12-I hate our apartment.

13-I never want to be pregnant again but I want to go through labor even though it was excruciating pain.

14-I am scream-from-the-mountain-tops proud of myself for giving birth with no pain medications whatsoever. I am part of the small 2% of women at the hospital that have.

15-I have a scab on my scalp that I've had since 7th grade. I've never let it completely heal.

Dear Bug,

Dear Bug,

I had this crazy idea that I would write a little letter to you every single month on the actual day of your birth. Well, as you can clearly see (and you will always remember), your mommy is not that talented. So I figured since I had a few minutes now I'd tap one out to you.

You are growing so quickly every day. Sometimes I feel like I just blink and you have changed. Everyone tells me how absolutely beautiful you are. Whether they are just being polite or not, I truly believe you are one of the prettiest babies ever. And I'm not even trying to be biased on that (though clearly I am), because you really are just a gorgeous little thing. We recently got your 6 week pictures back and I'm completely in awe of you. The intense looks on your face. Your silly way of sticking your tongue out. The mad-at-the-world scream you have. It's all captured in there and I have no doubt I will cherish those photos every day of my life.

Just in the past 3 days you have grown into so much more of a personality. You are smiling and cooing at things. You will now sit in your swing by yourself for quite some time just taking in the world around you. I could sit and watch you for hours whether you are crying or sleeping or smiling. It doesn't matter to me. I'm so amazed by you. By the fact that such a perfect little human grew inside of me.

Don't worry, you still aggravate me on a regular basis and I know that will only increase as you get older. But I wouldn't trade that aggravation for all the gold in the world. It's what makes us, us. And that's what I've grown to love the most. You and me. We are a team. We share something that no one else in the whole world shares with either of us. You need me and I need you. We can make each other laugh in an instant.

There are times when I just wish I could freeze time. I wish that we would never change and we could live in that moment forever. Especially times when you, me and Daddy are all sitting on the couch in a quiet moment all making each other laugh. Just last night, you pooped your pants so loud that Daddy and I laughed so hard for a solid minute. And then how happy you were for that accomplishment made us laugh even more. When I took you in your room to change you I cried happy tears. Tears of joy for how incredibly lucky I am to have you.

You just had your first Thanksgiving ever. You'll never remember it but I want you to know how special you made it for so many people. Your Aunt Halley & Uncle Grant and Uncle Ben are so in love with you. It's brought us closer together than I ever realized we would be. You'll learn so much from them as you grow and I'm so excited for you. They are such amazing people.

Oh, and your sisters cannot get enough of you. Gabby said she loved you voluntarily for the first time last night and it melted my heart. I knew she did love you and I knew she would tell you in her own time. I'm just so excited I was there to witness it. And Victoria gave you 11 kisses on each cheek, leg and arm because you are now 11 weeks old. She's so thoughtful and caring for you. You'll annoy her in due time, but she'll protect and love you always.

I'll wrap this up now because tears are streaming down my face. Just know that I'll always love you more than I'll ever be able to express. You are my little pumpkin pie and I can't seem to ever get enough of you.

Hugs and kisses!

Love,

Mommy

30 Days of Me

I think I'll do this just for kicks. :)

Day 1 - Introduce yourself, recent picture, 15 interesting facts.
Day 2 - Meaning behind your blog name.
Day 3 - Your first love.
Day 4 - Your parents.
Day 5 - Your favorite recipe.
Day 6 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 7 - Favorite movies.
Day 8 - A place you've traveled to.
Day 9 - A picture of your friends.
Day 10 - Something you're afraid of.
Day 11 - Favorite tv shows.
Day 12 - What you believe.
Day 13 - Goals.
Day 14 - A picture you love.
Day 15 - Bible verse.
Day 16 - Dream house.
Day 17 - Something you're looking forward to.
Day 18 - Something you regret.
Day 19 - Something you miss.
Day 20 - Nicknames.
Day 21 - Picture of yourself.
Day 22 - What's in your makeup bag.
Day 23 - Favorite vacation
Day 24 - Something you've learned.
Day 25 - Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs.
Day 26 - Picture of your family.
Day 27 - Pets.
Day 28 - Something that stresses you out.
Day 29 - 3 Wishes.
Day 30 - Any picture.

Birth Story

I want to first start by saying that it was absolutely the most amazing experience of my entire life and I guarantee nothing will ever trump it. It was exactly as I imagined and yet nothing like I could ever even begin to dream up. Our Bradley classes paid for themselves about 3 minutes into the experience for me. I knew what to expect and that alone gave me so much comfort and kept me much calmer than I would have been without them. So let’s start at the beginning…

Monday, September 13^th at 3:50pm I was just sitting down on the couch for a nice snack and some down time. I had been up all but about 2 hours the night before with some contractions and just overall pregnancy insomnia. I was quite tired and actually quite cranky from it. I was supposed to meet my grandma earlier in the day as she was in town with a group of friends but I ended up calling and cancelling. Looking back, it was the best decision I made. I felt a little bit of fluid leak out and to be honest, I thought maybe I had peed myself. So I went to the bathroom to inspect but had my doubts that’s what actually happened. So I cleaned myself up and changed and headed back to my favorite spot on the couch. Just as I sat down the exact same thing happened. So I texted the one person I knew wouldn’t think I was nuts: Meghan. We talked it out a bit and agreed that it was certainly a very strong possibility. So I got up to look for a paper bag to sit on (a trick we learned in Bradley) and as I was looking, the little gremlin moved and I had a serious gush. No questioning it now! So I called my mom to tell her that it was go-time.

I put in a call to the midwifery (felt kinda exciting to be able to push 1 for an emergency) to see what they thought I should do. While I waited for their call back I sprung into action. I was told not to get too excited but let’s be honest, how is that possible?! I immediately went to the bathroom to do my makeup and straighten my hair only to remember I didn’t have a bag packed. So I got hopping on that. In the middle of it, my midwife called me back. She said they needed to see me within six hours of my water breaking so I should get a good dinner and then head in to be checked. I texted Rick and told him what all was going on but told him to take his time coming home cause there was no rush at that point. I wasn’t having any contractions at all so I was kind of thinking this could be the longest labor ever like I had imagined. Which was good, because that meant we’d be able to come back home after we were checked. Boy, was I about to be wrong.

Rick got home about 4:45, finished packing some stuff for him and helped me. It felt so good when I knew he was home with me. He is always such a comfort for me so when I was excited and scared, it felt that much better to have him with me. We got the car loaded and threw the car seat in there just in case then headed to Subway. Even though it sounded really good, I was too excited and nervous to actually eat much. We eventually made it to the hospital about 6:30 and went up to the Womancare area to be checked in. We ended up sitting there for about an hour just waiting. Good thing I wasn’t in pain. In fact, I still wasn’t having any contractions. My midwife then saw us sitting there waiting so she snuck us downstairs to their office to be checked. She hooked me up to the monitor and we started talking through all of our options regarding inducing labor if necessary, going home to labor, etc. We let her know we wanted to keep this as drug free as possible and that I’d love to labor at home as long as possible. My ideal at the time was to walk into the place about 9.5cm dilated and almost ready to push. So after monitoring the baby for about 25 minutes we found out her heart rate was totally fine and I still wasn’t having any contractions. She checked my leakage to make sure that it really was my bag of waters that had broken and took my temperature. About that time my parents arrived. I was quite relieved to know they were there. Emily (the midwife) then took me over to another room to get my blood pressure. It was extremely high all three times she tried. Rick and I talked it out and decided that by me going home, I would only stress more about if the baby was ok so we decided to stay. My midwife got me an LDR room right away and we got checked in. By this time it was roughly 10:00. The nurses came in and got my info, hooked me up to the monitors to get their reading and we were all set. I was able to have a completely normal diet so my parents were going to go out to get us all food but first we all took a little walk around the hospital. There were some stairs in the lobby and since it wasn’t normal business hours I knew I could walk around in my robe without silly looks. So I went over to the stairs and rocked back and forth with my feet on two different steps. I could feel her every movement by this time since the bag of waters was no longer cushioning her head against my pelvis but I was having a hard time distinguishing contractions vs. normal movement.

We went back to the room and my parents headed out. Rick and I sat there talking and laughing a bit while we watched some football and just enjoyed some quiet time alone. Very quickly though it was obvious these were real contractions. And they started coming rather quickly. He started timing them for me and they were about 2 minutes apart and about 45 seconds long. The nurse hooked me back up to the monitor for my hourly check and she confirmed we were timing them correctly. They started to get a little more intense so Rick went and ran a hot bath for me. While I was in the tub they started to hurt in my back quite a bit. I knew the smell of any food would not sit well as I was still feeling a bit nauseous so he texted my parents to let them know they should eat in the lobby.

At this point, the entire concept of time completely left me. I would ask every once in awhile what time it was trying to get it to all make sense but even then, it seemed like everything was a complete blur. In some ways it felt as though it had only been minutes since the whole process started. And in other ways it felt like I had been there for days. My back labor was excruciating. And I kind of expected it to be going into this with my herniated disc, but I had no idea it would be quite that bad. Unfortunately, not too long into the harder labor, I started vomiting quite heavily. Generally I’d have a pretty intense contraction followed by some horrible vomiting and then followed by another contractions. It wasn’t the pain of labor that ever made me want to give up my hopes of a “natural” labor. It was the combination of the pain with the vomiting.

About this time I was ready to give up. I told Rick that I couldn’t do it any more. He gave me some very personal but very motivating words of advice. I did want to go on and I wanted to do this how I had planned, but I needed to know where I was to know if I could go on. If at this point I was only about 3cm dilated, I knew I couldn’t do it the whole time. So Emily checked me and I was 5cm dilated, 100% effaced and a 0 station. I knew that was some serious progress and that I was doing well, but I also knew that meant I was only half way there. Well, kinda. My amazing husband got me through that point and I’m so grateful for that. Had it not been for him, I know without a doubt I wouldn’t have made it even that far.

My midwife knew I was getting pretty dehydrated and decided to get me hooked up to an IV for some fluids. In my mind I knew that an IV was always the beginning to losing control of the medicine that would be entering my body but I was so weak and so tired that I didn’t really care that much. She also prescribed me to get some Zofran in my IV as well. So we started with 4mg of Zofran. I don’t think it helped one single bit. I was still very sick and my back labor from straining when I threw up was only getting worse. Emily told me she could give me some sort of sterile water shots in my back. She told me they would hurt very badly but I was in so much pain I figured they couldn’t hurt that bad. She also told me that once she started the series, she had to finish them and there were four total. I agreed, anything to help with the pain in my back. So she got it prepped and started. Holy hell. I have never in my entire life felt a pain this extreme. They hurt so bad and I screamed so loud that three nurses came into my room to make sure I was ok. (Slightly embarrassing to think about now but at the time I couldn’t help it.) In fact, I tried to bite my mom. She was standing in front of me holding both my hands and I reached her hand up and tried to chomp down. She quickly pulled it away and handed me the washcloth that as on my forehead. Good thing because I know that I bit down pretty hard. Once Emily was done it took about 90 seconds (so I’m told) before I felt any relief from them. But once they kicked in I got about half an hour of relief from it. It didn’t help completely but I really believe it helped enough for me to let my body relax and progress.

Not too long after I had the shots I knew I needed to move around for anything to happen. So I got up on my hands and knees in my bed and my contractions got harder still. In the mean time my mom had drawn another bath for me and it was ready about that time. I made my way into the bathtub and this was truly the part they warned me about losing all modesty. I think I had a tank top on and nothing else but I really don’t know. My contractions were almost one on top of another and very intense. Suddenly, I needed to poop. I knew deep down that I actually needed to push but I wasn’t ready. I was extremely tired and kept telling everyone I just needed five minutes to rest. I certainly wasn’t going to get that though. It is actually illegal in the state of Pennsylvania to have a water birth. I knew this. I had been told several times. And yet, all I wanted to do was to push in the water. My mom went out to the nurses’ station and told them I was ready. Apparently they went into hyper drive at that point. My nurse was in my bathroom in a split second ready to pull me out of that tub. After another contraction I got out and made a beeline to the bed. When I got there I laid down on my side facing Rick. I knew that if I was going to get through this, I’d need his strength as well. This was the most rewarding and perfect time of the whole experience. My nurse, LuAnn, was ready for a little intervention and was starting to tell me when to push and when not to push and such. To be honest, I didn’t know any of that. I was so tuned in to my own body and my husband’s voice that I didn’t hear her at all. Emily kind of hushed her up a bit and told her I’d be fine. She didn’t touch me once until the very, very end to catch the little bug.

I was in the bed and pushing at 5:15 am. By 5:30 am I was holding my daughter. The little person I had waited so long to meet. The gremlin that made me so sick for so long. I surprised even myself and I wasn’t emotional at all. I was completely overwhelmed wanting to look at every inch of her and soak her all in that I didn’t even think of crying. Here I was, with my daughter and my husband. The exact thing I had wanted for so very, very long. Unfortunately I was bleeding quite a bit and they couldn’t quite get me to stop. They gave me some pitocin trying to get the bleeding under control. And even at that point, Rick was a rockstar and made sure I was ok with that. I knew that I had already protected my daughter from any drugs entering her and that it was important I was able to be healthy so we went forward with it.

I can’t begin to explain how I feel about the whole experience. I have a perfect, healthy little bug that I love more than life itself. I have a husband that loves us and provides for us and protects us. It has been a much longer road than just nine months that got us here. I’ve never been more in love with Rick than I am now. I completely understand now when people say how the birth is a very sensual experience between them and their spouse. I also understand what it means when my mom would always say that it is the worst pain I’ll ever forget because I’ve already forgotten. Not enough to do it again quite yet ;) but enough that I don’t ever even think about the actual pain. I’m very proud of myself and I’m not ashamed to say that. What I did was a lot of work but worth every single second of it.

Dear little bug,

Where do I begin? You are still the little alien inside of my belly poking and prodding and stretching trying to find more space for your ever growing little self. You get the hiccups at least once a day and it is really quite amusing to me. I already know you are like your momma just from that. But don't worry, if that's the worst trait you get from me, you are one lucky little girl. ;)

You have been growing in my for almost 36 weeks now. I'll never forget the day I found out you were in there. Daddy had already gone down to the football party at our local bar. The last day the place was open. I stayed behind because I was finishing unpacking all of my stuff and getting organized as I had just moved in here about 3 weeks before that. For about a week I had been feeling a little 'off' and a few other things weren't exactly meshing either. At first I just chalked it up to the stress of moving and starting a new job and getting over a nasty sinus infection. But I knew I'd be partaking in some adult beverages so I thought I better just be safe. I made a quick trip to the drug store and with shaking hands came back home for the longest two minute wait of my life. Before the two minutes was up, I already had my answer. I was expecting a little miracle.

I calmed down, called Aunt Halley (who didn't answer, which in the end was a good thing cause I got to tell her in a much better way) and paced all around the house. Daddy was expecting me down at the party so I got in the car, stick in hand, and drove down there. I asked him to come walk me in when I got there and he thought it was quite strange behavior from me but as he always does, he did what would make me happy. He got in the car and I pulled out the stick to show him. Shock would be an understatement. But he was also so completely excited. We knew we wanted a little baby of our own some day, we just weren't quite sure when. Turns out, you knew when much better than we did. We kept it a secret from all of our friends until we could get into the doctor. It was one of the most magical nights I've ever had with Daddy. We had this amazing secret of knowing that our love created a little life and just a tiny glance at each other reminded us of this secret. I think both of us could have bursted out of our skin that night.

To say that this whole time has been that magical would be a total lie. And don't worry, I plan on keeping that in my bag of arsenal for when you are a teenager and are positive you hate me. ;) You've been given some very interesting nicknames during this time. My favorite (and Grandma Bobbi's least favorite) is blood sucking gremlin. See, you have made mommy one sick puppy this whole time. But it's ok, that means that you are healthy and I wasn't in danger of losing you.

I can't tell you that I'm in love with you yet. I don't even know who you are. But what I can tell you is that I think about you all day every day and dream about you at night. I can't wait to meet you and get to know the person that you'll be. I can't wait to touch you and hold you and smell you. To watch you sleep and to see you cry your pitiful little cry. To watch Daddy hold his little girl and see you wrap him around your little finger just as your two older sisters have.

Oh yeah, and about your older sisters. They can't wait to meet you. Victoria already calls you her Reesey Piecey. It is quite adorable and melts my heart every time. She always asks where your head is so she can kiss you through my belly. She's going to be an amazing big sister and such a helper to me. And Gabby, well is just Gabby. You know the day they found out you'd be joining our family she was very quick to offer that you could share her bed with her. And though she quickly changed her tune when I mentioned you may cry all night, I know she'll share her bed with you if you ever needed it.

I have so many hopes and dreams for you already. Just like any other parent, I wish even better for you than I ever had. I hope to show you the immeasurable amount of love that Grandma and Grandpa showed to me. I hope that you feel comfortable in your own skin and grow to be a woman your own children will admire some day. I won't always be your best friend, but I promise I will be your biggest supporter and protector.

You are my little bug, my little gremlin. I know some day soon I will need to share you with the rest of the world. But for right now, you are mine alone and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you more than there are stars in the sky.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

32 weeks

So here we are, at the 32 week mark. It's so hard to believe that this little bug has been growing in my for so long. In some ways it seems like so long ago that I peed on that little stick and went with shaking hands to tell Rick and in other ways it seems like just yesterday.

I figured I'd jot down where I am with everything at this moment:

I'm completely and totally overwhelmed. I'm still sick a good majority of the time. No one really knows how sick I am as I've gotten quite good at hiding it when I need to. Part of me is annoyed with myself by this because how can I expect them to cut me any kind of break if they don't even know. But I also don't want to be the Debbie Downer all day every day. So I suck it up and move on. I have so much I want to get done before she gets here and yet in the strangest way I have no motivation to get off the couch sometimes. Could all stem back to the sick thing...or I could just be a horribly lazy person.

I'm trying my absolute best to make this as seamless of a thing for the girls. I want Reese to fit in just right and almost seem as though there hasn't been such a HUGE change in their life. Even though there will clearly be a huge change in their lives.

I'm having a hard time with balance. Not in the physical sense, but in balancing everything going on with my life. Trying to balance my family, my in-laws, my new kids, my future kid, my husband, my household, my work, my upcoming labor and delivery, etc. I know it's all totally normal for all moms and that everyone goes through this. Sometimes it just seems like a little too much every single day to deal with.

But alas, life goes on :)

Stepmom

I love my girls. I love them more than I could ever tell you in words. I'd give my life for them. To see them sad or upset breaks my heart. To see them happy melts it. But I'm just their stepmom. I'm nothing more and I'm certainly nothing less. It's hard for me to remember that sometimes. Especially the weekends that they get to spend with us. They seem like our girls. Just mine and his. I mean, I know they aren't. Especially when to get my attention they call my first name. But I'm not their mother. I would never want to replace her. They love her so very much. She's the one they cry for sometimes when they are upset. I know that feeling. I have my own momma that I still cry for when I'm sad or hurt.

But even knowing this or remembering it when they are with me doesn't make it easier. Sometimes it's really, really hard. See, I'm not the one that makes the big decisions for their life. I only get to follow through with the decisions that have been made for them by their biological parents. Whether or not I agree with those decisions, they have already been made. I don't get to decide what Victoria does or does not do when it comes to sports. I don't get to decide when Gabby should stop sucking her thumb. I don't get to decide what shots they get at the doctor. I don't even get to decide when they go to the doctor and what doctor they go to. I simply get to follow through. Sounds easy enough, but trust me when I say it's not. It's the hardest thing in the entire world.

Now, I'm not crying woe is me on this. I chose this life. I want this life. I wouldn't trade it. I still get to be something more special to these girls than anyone else will ever understand. It's just that some things are harder than others. And right now is one of those times that I'm having a hard time with it. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Hello stranger...

So it's been a little while since I posted. Sorry! But I promise you'll forgive me when you hear what I've been up to!

I got married this weekend :) Yay! I'm officially a Mrs! It was absolutely fabulous! We had dinner for 23 of our family up on Mt. Washington and had the ceremony right there in the restaurant overlooking the beautiful city. It was a complete fairytale. And I have to admit, looking back at the photos, I did look pretty hot ;) It was actually kind of funny how self conscious I was about having a big baby belly and being in a wedding dress. It felt a little weird to me. But it wasn't a bad thing...just different than I'd ever imagined, I suppose. Rick surprised me with a beautiful small bouquet of calla lilies (my favorite!) at the restaurant too. I got a BEAUTIFUL wedding ring also! Everything is so perfect!

Then on Sunday our families all went to brunch and then my family headed back to our house to see where I live. We followed them all back to the hotel to say our goodbyes and they hit the road. My parents stayed an extra night so we took the girls swimming at their hotel. The kids had a blast and I have to say I think my parents had just as much fun as they did. They are absolutely their grandparents already and it totally warms my heart.

I love my life :)

Can I just say

how amazing my life is? I have this complete and total overwhelming feeling of how blessed I am. I promise you that five years ago there is no way in hell I could have ever imagined where I'd be right now and I'm actually so grateful for that. In all reality, I've been dealt (and really probably dealt them to myself) some pretty shitty cards. I married a man that was a complete asshole. Much more of an asshole that I could have ever imagined. I was at a point a few years ago that I was so depressed I couldn't even get out of bed some days. I'd get up and get showered only so he didn't know that I didn't go to work that day and so it wouldn't be worse. But in the past year and a half my life has become more amazing than I knew possible. I am purely in love. I have an amazing man that appreciates and loves me so very much. He would literally do anything for me to make sure that I am provided for and taken care of. I get to marry him on Saturday and I can't even explain the emotion that I'm feeling about that. It is beyond happiness. I didn't even know this feeling existed. Add to that the fact that I have two girls that are beautiful, smart and absolutely adorable that will become my step-daughters. Two little women that love me and that I love more than I really ever understood possible. I would do anything for them to make sure they are happy and healthy. I am also carrying a healthy little bug. A little girl that was created in the passion that only grows every single day between Rick and I. Even though we didn't "plan" on her right this minute, there is nothing accidental about it. I've dreamt of the day that I would get to hold my child in my arms. I can't wait to meet this little lady and see her develop a personality that will no doubt be a combination of her father and mother.

I'm so overwhelmed with the blessings in my life. There are far too many to count and I don't even know where to begin to start counting. Every time I think of one, three more quickly flow from that. I don't know what I've done to deserve such amazingness in my life, but I'll never once question it. And I promise not to take it for granted. I promise to be thankful every day for the beautiful family I have both immediate and extended.

24 Weeks

And all is well :) I had my appointment today and my belly is measuring dead on. She said my weight gain is right where it should be as well. Though I'm slated to gain 30 lbs at this point (I was hoping to only gain 25 total), I'm ok with it. It's all for the good of the cause and if this is my one and only, I don't have to worry about hurrying up to get it off before the next. Besides, if I'm 5lbs up from my pre-mommy weight, it won't kill me.

And now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever posted the little bug's name on here. Her name will be Reese Dean. :) I can't help but smile every single time I think about it.

Here is a belly shot for future reference also!

Horrible updater

That's me, I know I'm a horrible updater. And I know some day when I'm old and crotchety and my mind forgets even more than it does now (God help us all then), I'll regret not having more info to remember this special and crazy time in my life. But until then...I'll probably remain a horrible updater :)

This little bug has been pretty active. All when no one is around to feel her anyhow. haha! Rick finally felt her little kicks on Saturday. We were driving out to Canton for my sister's graduation party and she was kicking away after lunch and he got to feel just one kick. I don't really think it's his thing though. haha! He didn't keep his hand there for more, one seemed to be enough for him. Which is totally fine with me. Definitely don't want him to ever be uncomfortable about it. Today she is a busy bug! She hasn't sat still since my commute to work this morning. Not quite sure what has gotten into her, but I can't really say that I hate it. As long as she calms down for bed time anyhow.

I've been feeling better. Most of the time. I still throw up almost every morning or come darn close to throwing up anyhow. And I still have my days sometimes when I throw up all day. Those suck. But I live through them.

But let's talk about doing the dirty for a minute. I just can't. I have a really hard time with it anyhow. When I am feeling good I suppose I should want to. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or I happen to look down and see my belly and to me, it's just ew. I know it shouldn't be that way. But I don't think I'm an attractive pregnant woman at all. And then the other night I was being a good wifey and giving long forgotten lovin with my mouth and normally that progresses into some fabulous "love making" for us. But just as I was ready for it, she kicked. And then it was over. He kept trying but I couldn't just say no because she kicked so I just kept telling him that I was enjoying what I was doing. And I was, for the first half hour. haha! But there is a human, inside of me. What is sexy about that? I know he can't touch her or hurt her or anything like that. But how am I supposed to concentrate on being pleasured when there is a human life moving around inside of me. It's just creepy. And SOOOO not sexy.

A day of awesomeness

Here is a recap of our day of awesomeness:

Rick got up and went to work a little early while I slept in a little longer before getting up to do some work from home. I got up and did some work, got in the shower and my mind was racing the entire time. I had a little chat with gremlin about being a good baby that day and cooperating and that no matter what I loved them already. I got out, got ready and by then Rick had come home. So off we went to a long day of nerve wracking appointments.

First up was our fetal echo. Hands down the appointment I was most anxious about. There was so much that could be wrong in just that one quick appointment. My child could have a heart that would not support their life. Or they could need countless surgeries for the rest of their life that would undoubtedly be a horrible thing for both them and us to have to endure forever. We waited in the waiting room for a very long time. They didn't call us back for over half an hour after our appointment time was set for. The waiting was killing me. Knowing that whatever was done was done and there was nothing I could do to make it any better for this helpless little life was the worst thing. The called us back and she said that it would be much quicker than the anatomy scan would be later. We walked into the room and there was another tech in there. She asked a few questions and started the echo right away. I couldn't really see the monitor from where I was but Rick scooted over so he could get a good look at it. I didn't really know what I was looking for at that point anyhow. She looked and measured for what seemed like half an hour but was probably only 10 minutes at most. Then the doctor walked in, asked me a few questions about my brother and then asked the tech what she had gotten to get measured already. She then passed the duties off to the other tech that was in the office so she could get other measurements and the doctor looked at them then looked at me and said it all looked perfect. He said that even if the pediatrician hears a murmur or anything later in life it will be completely unrelated and there is no cause for concern any further regarding the syndrome. Then he told us to have a great day! :) We walked out of the office, hugged and I cried a little bit. Just tears of complete relief. I got myself together and then we went back up to the front desk to let them know we were done with the echo and ready for our scan. They gave us a pager and we went to get some lunch in the cafeteria.

I had lost my breakfast that morning but I was on such a high right then that I didn't even think to eat smarter for lunch. So I got a chef salad. It didn't stay down too long, but at that point I didn't care quite as much. haha! So while I was throwing up my lunch they paged me to go back. I stopped in the gift shop quick to buy some gum then we went back to have the scan. The nurse was ridiculous nice and friendly. She explained absolutely everything she was looking at, why she was looking at and showed us what all the measurements meant as she took them. The coolest picture of all that we got to see was the two little feet side by side in there. They were so tiny and adorable already. She went through all of the organs and everything looked perfect. The baby's head and belly all measured right at 20 weeks which is perfect too. Then she went in for the money shot. At first baby was being modest and I think Rick and I both at that point knew it was a girl but were afraid to say anything until the tech said it first. And then she did. She confirmed what we had thought and that we were having a very healthy little girl.

When we walked out of the office we again hugged but there were no tears from me this time. I was almost numb at this point. I was floating so high from knowing that everything was perfect and then we found out that we'd be having a baby girl. It was all so surreal. Like it was almost too much information to pack in to one day for a person. But we still had one more appointment to go. This would surely be the least exciting but important none the less. So we headed down to our appointment with the midwives and started our calls from there. First I called my dad. He guessed boy but was pleasantly surprised to hear girl. Same exact thing with my mom...guess of boy but VERY excited to hear girl. We also called his mom, brother and sister-in-law and I texted my brother and sister. I then also called my grandpa and my grandma and my aunt and all were very happy for us. :)

Our midwife appointment was pretty simple. I asked questions, she answered. She asked questions, I answered. And then we were sent on our way.

Right after that we headed downtown and applied for our marriage license! Seriously, how could this day have gotten any better? We threw around a few ideas of what to do that evening to "celebrate" but we ended up just spending the evening together on the couch. It was followed up by a very wonderful full body massage for momma! We called the girls to tell them the news. Victoria was quite happy to hear sister because she had no use for a little brother. haha! And Gabby was upset that she had to hear the news through her sister and not directly from us so she refused to get on the phone with us. Nothing out of the ordinary with that twirp though.

Overall it was a perfect day. The love I have for Rick right now is absolutely incredible. I don't even know how to describe it. We were in a bit of a rough patch for about a month or two. And not that our relationship was in a bad place, but we weren't the happy-go-lucky couple that we normally are. But we are getting that back. With my m/s subsiding that certainly helps. And we are just in a better place right now with everything too. Well at least I am so that obviously doesn't hurt our relationship. He's just an absolutely amazing man and sometimes I really don't feel that I deserve him. But I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

Half way

Holy crap. So we are half way through this pregnancy. How crazy is that thought??

Tomorrow we have an entire day of appointments. We have a fetal echo at 11:30. Ugh...I don't even know what to say about my anxiety level for this one. So I'll just leave it all unsaid...maybe that means everything will go perfectly? Then we have the anatomy scan at 12:45. Again, the anxiety level is high considering I haven't laid eyes on this gremlin since 7 weeks. Lord only knows what could have gone wrong in that long span of time. And then we have our 20 week check at the midwifery at 2:30.

The most exciting part about tomorrow? We are going to get our marriage license after that! :) Our plan right now is to have a small wedding and a fun dinner after the last weekend of June. Just family probably. I'm actually really excited for it and my hopes are WAY high that this is actually what's going to happen now. If it doesn't, I have no doubt I'll be a sobbing mess Rick will have to deal with. haha!