Let your hair down

I did that last night. It started out as a simple night of a few drinks with co-workers and it turned into a fantastic night of fun! I let my hair down, then had to put it up cause it was dripping on me. haha!

Get over yourself!!

So last night we drove by the dealership to see Ryan's new car (he hadn't seen it yet because they had to dealer trade for it and he had to sign papers by the 30th in order to get the 0% financing). Anyhow, so we go to the dealership to see it and as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows about it. He originally wanted to keep it a secret and see when they would notice (yeah, dumb to me too). But I was with my brother when he called me to go to the dealership so he knew and I wasn't all about making it a surprise anyhow so they know. So as we are leaving I let him know that my family knows and he says to me, "Well just so you know I'm not going to be taking people for test drives and acting as chauffeur just so they can see my new car." I'm sorry, dick wad. I didn't know anyone asked to see your new car. And even if they wanted to, it's not like they have cooties they'll get all over your precious f'ing car or anything. They really are realatively clean people. They bathe regularly and respect other people's property. And trust me, you are one of the last people my family is feeling like getting excited for lately.

Oh, and to add to my shitty day...my mom was emailing me earlier and I said that she is welcome to come to Alliance to see fireworks (we go to Silver Park a lot of years) she made the comment, "Well that didn't exactly work out last time." Now, I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but it completely hurt. See, the last time they tried coming up for fireworks Ryan threw a huge hissy fit about how he didn't want people in his apartment and all that crap. So my poor parents planned to come up and we could all do a picnic and everything, and then he ruined it. That's not fair. And I know, life's not fair. But seriously. Doesn't he know what he's doing to me?!

Weird day

So yesterday was a little strange. Ryan bought a car. He really does need one...he went through an entire bottle of antifreeze in two days because his radiator is leaking so badly. His transmission has also started slipping some. So he's driving his dad's car until he picks up his new on Thursday. It was weird because I kinda of pushed to not be on the loan. It was really hard. Not that a car is a HUGE decision, but it's a pretty decent one. I just don't know what the future holds. He's on my car loan. Which is what we had to do in order to get approved, but that was 2 years ago (literally to the day he's getting his - weirder!) and things were a little different then.

I know all I do is whine about this, but it hurts so bad. I can't describe the things it makes me feel. Sometimes angry, sometimes sad, and sometimes even numb. And I don't whine to have people hear me, I just don't know what else to do about it. I'm not trying to be a wuss about it and just sit around and not do anything about it. It simply consumes my entire life. It's undescribable.

This weekend was my brother's graduation party. I missed the majority of it because I had a wedding and had to be here for that. But when I got there, I was glad I missed most of it. Turns out my cousin and his wife brought their 4-week old baby. It hurts to see that. It hurts to see them happy with a baby and on the track I wanted to be on. Now, I know I'm not getting old and my eggs aren't aging and all that crap, but I would like to be where I worked so hard to be right now. Ugh...ok...enough wallowing for now.

A happy note...My daddy sent me these :)

Don't Make Me

This song by Blake Shelton is exactly everything I'm feeling

Girl when I look at you you look through me like I'm not even there
I'm trying not to give up to be strong but I'm afraid to say I'm scared
I can't find the place your heart is hiding
I'm no quitter but I'm tired of fighting
Baby I love you
Don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
What if when I'm long gone it dawns on you
You just might want me back
Let me make myself clear if I leave here
It's done, I'm gone, that's that
You carry my love around like it's a heavy burden
Well I'm about to take it back
Are you sure it's worth it?
Baby I love you
Don't wanna lose you
Don't make me let you go
Took such a long time for me to find you
Don't make me let you go
Baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me
Baby I'm begging please and I'm down here on my knees
I don't wanna have to set you free
Don't make me
Don't make me
Stop loving you
Stop needing you...

Daily Thought

So I get these daily thought emails every week day from a magazine I subscribe to. Some of them are pretty stupid but some of them really hit me right sometimes. I save all of them to go back through when I get a few minutes and some that I thought were stupid at the time seem relevant and thoughtful now. It's funny how things work that way. Here's an example. I didn't not like this quote when I got it, it just didn't seem to fit appropriately at the time. Now, it does.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. — Anonymous

That fits with me today. I keep thinking about all the things I've done to deserve what I'm feeling now. How this really is the life I've built for myself and how my destiny is already set with what I've got. But that's not true. I'm the only one holding myself back right now. The thoughts I have of what other people will think of me if I do leave my husband and how horrible that would seem. Truth is, it doesn't really matter. I really do know that. I think one of the hardest things for me with this is that no one in my close family has gotten a divorce. Well, my one uncle, but he's a douche bag and he's been disowned in our family (not for that reason, for many more that are much worse). But I have no experience with it. I know thousands of people go through it every single day but I find absolutely no comfort in that. Not even anyone in Ryan's family has had a divorce.

And then I scare myself wondering if I’m so busy planning this separation and divorce, am I too focused on that to even try to make anything better in our relationship? Is it possible that he’s really trying to work this out so much but I’m the one screwing it up by focusing on getting out? But what if that’s where we are? I honestly think that it’s possible to be so far gone and so down in our relationship that no matter how much counseling or changing on both of our ends, there is no going back. That we are too scarred and damaged to be able to fix it. Why can’t life be simple?

Take the time

I need to do better about taking the time to actually blog. I really feel better when I take a few minutes and just jot down what I'm thinking and feeling.

So here's the deal today...

I feel like chicken shit. I'm miserable and unhappy 98% of the time. And the 2% that I'm not, I'm anticipating being miserable and unhappy. It's a horrible life to live. It affects every single aspect of it. I'm so tired of being on edge and on defense that I'm just plain tired. I have a constant battle in my head of what I should do and what I am currently doing. It goes a little something like this:

Me 1: Next time he snaps at you, tell him you are leaving
Me 2: I will
Me 1: Seriously! If you don't do it, then I will do it for you
Me 2: No, I got it. I know I'm better than this
Ryan: You suck at life (paraphrased of course)
Me 2: I'm sorry, I'll fix it
Me 1: WTF is wrong with you?!
Me 2: I don't know, stop beating up on me
Me 1: I'm not, he is, you need to stand up to it
Me 2: I do
Me 1: How?
Me 2: Well, he knows I'm not happy and knows I won't put up with it forever
Me 1: Really, then what are you doing right now?
Me 2: I know, I'm putting up with it. But it's only been 2 years, it'll get better. Besides, I'm the one that got myself into this. I said those vows and I meant every word. This is just the worst part of the "for better or for worse"
Me 1: No, this is the part that he said that he would love and respect his wife

So if I can sit there and argue with myself and have great points that I can't even defend, why do I put up with it?

Love? Love shouldn't hurt this bad. It shouldn't disappoint you this much. It should be a give and take relationship. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses here thinking that love is perfect all the time. I know there is fighting and there are tifts and disagreements. I think that's actually a very beautiful part of love. But I also know it's not bending until you break and hurting all the time. I know it's not feeling alone and lost.

Committment? Hell, at this point I should be committed for all of the committment I've shown.

Vows? I've said my vows, and quite honestly, I know I haven't stuck to them completely. I screw up, I know I do. I regret the times I have screwed up. But that makes me a real person and I honestly believe it makes me realize that everyone screws up and I'm willing to forgive and move on.

Dogs? Yeah, may seem stupid to you, but I know deep in my heart they are part of the reason I've stayed this long. How sad is that? Kids are one thing, but dogs? They really are my kids and I can't imagine saying, "You get Zoey and Maggie and I get Max." I just can't do it. My heart breaks thinking about that. First of all, they are all so close to one another that I would feel sad for them to have to break up like that. Second of all, I'd miss them terribly if I wasn't with one or the other. Zoey, I could get over her (and yes, I'd still miss her). But Maggie is my little girl. And my chunky monkey, Max is just so silly. And I know Ryan wouldn't want him.

Truth is, I've built a life here. I've built my life around my future plans and all of those plans included Ryan. That's what hurts the most. The fact that I've built these plans, I've invested my entire life into this and now it's falling apart. That's what holds me there. That's what gives me hope that things will change, that I didn't make a mistake.

June 18th

I decided I needed to keep writing here. I’d love to make this a public blog sometimes so that I really can share my feelings and not be ashamed of them. But then I’d piss someone off and let’s face it, my entire life revolves around making everyone else happy. So let’s update you with my life.

I currently have a new job. That’s right, I’m a Bridal Coordinator for a very well known country club in the area. It’s my dream job, well for now at least. But it’s a career for me, not just a job and that’s a very exciting thing. The bad thing is that I’ve got so much shit going on in my personal life, that I feel I can’t give the 200% I would like to this job. But I’ll get there. Some day I’ll be the best damn wedding planner anyone has ever seen.

Ryan and I still suck at marriage. We had another blow out this weekend. Surprise, surprise. I called his parents over to help. We started fighting about the camera he got me for our anniversary. He told me I didn’t appreciate it because I didn’t pay for it with my own money. Whatever. So I called his mom to mediate the fight and they ended up coming over. She told him that she was very disappointed in him because he is not the man, or even the boy, she raised. And that his grandfather (whom he respected more than anyone on this earth) would be just as disappointed. That hurt me to hear because if my grandfather was disappointed in me, I’d feel horrible. I feel better knowing that they know it’s more than just financial. That the reason a lot of our problems are financial is because I’m so scared of where that will lead us and then what I’ll be stuck without. I can’t lose one more ounce of my dignity. And if I give up financial control of my life, I’ll honestly feel that I’ve got nothing left. And that’s all that is keeping my head above water. No matter how disastrous my finances are. The information I have shared with him about my finances (namely my student loans) have been used against me time and again. Now, I don’t have ridiculous amounts of student loans and I’ve paid off a damn good chunk of them in just the year and a half that I’ve been working on it, but he’s never had a student loan in his life. And he holds that against me like none other. And it hurts. It hurts so deeply but he just doesn’t get it.

I’m lost. I’m hurt. I’m sad. I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m frustrated. I’m broken. I’m drowning. I’m everything I shouldn’t be at this point in my life. I know that, but there is nothing I seem to be able to do about it. If I leave him I’ll be even more sad and hurt and scared and alone. If I stay, I just keep drowning. I just don’t know which direction is up.