One down

We had our first counseling appointment tonight. It went pretty well I think. We were both pretty open about our thoughts and feelings and were both calm about the whole thing. Our assignment is as follows: Write down 5 small things the other person does that makes you feel loved and have a date night on Friday and on Sunday. So we'll see where that takes us.

Quite honestly, I didn't feel a big rush of emotion when I saw him tonight like I thought I might. I was really nervous all day about seeing him and I was really nervous about how tonight would go, but I didn't get excited or angry or anything when I saw him. Maybe I anticipated too much about it.

I have an appointment by myself next week and then we have a joint appointment the week after. Ryan is going to be making an individual appointment by himself as well. She said she thinks there is a pretty good possibility things can and will work. I think she had a hard time reading me tonight, which I understand cause I was having a hard time reading myself.

She asked what I wanted to get out of this, what my ultimate goal is. And I was completely honest that I'm worried that things got too bad to get good (I hate how I say that, but I have no better way of saying it).

So I really don't feel enlightened whatsoever (and yes, I knew it would take more than just one session) and quite honestly, I feel a little more cloudy at this point.

Patience.........

Living at home...

So let me just tell you what it's like living with your parents again 6 years after you've moved out. Actually I can sum it up in 3 words:

It's not easy.

I have amazing parents that were willing to drop everything and get me out of a situation that was not good for me. My mom was willing to give up her scrapbook room (my old bedroom) and my dad was willing to help me load up the basement he recently reclaimed. However, it's awkward.

I'm 24 and used to living on my own and running my own household. I'm used to setting my schedule and not really worrying about who I was inconveniencing. Now I have to plan everything around everyone. Including my showers in the morning. To make matters worse, I have 2 dogs living there. Now, my dogs are used to being in their crates a decent amount of the day (I've never claimed to be a good mom) because both Ryan and I worked full time jobs outside of the home. My dogs have quickly gotten used to 5 people coming and going in the house and them being in their crates less than 2 hours a day on average. The hard thing for me, is that I feel guilty like someone is constantly having to watch them.

It's just not easy. I'm a relatively social person and I have dinner or drinks out with friends quite a few nights of the week. My dad does this weird thing the other day and tells me he thinks Ryan has hired a private investigator. What?! Seriously, Dad? Now, I know Ryan is crazy sometimes. But honestly. So Dad tells me he doesn't want me going out with anyone at all, male or female. I, as politely as possible, told him that I'm not going to put my life on complete pause and risk losing all of my friends as well. Granted, he realized later he was just being paranoid and goofy with his thinking, but still!

Anyhow, I guess I just needed to say that it's not easy. I love my parents more than anything and would literally die for them, but moving back home is not the most pleasant experience possible.

Things to remember

Throughout this tough time, I've become amazing friends with a few people I really wasn't expecting to. It's been an extremely pleasant surprise and they are definitely relationships I'd love to keep for a very long time. I was confiding in someone this morning about an email Ryan sent me and just dumping my thoughts and feelings on her and this is something she sent back. I wanted to put it here so I can go back and look at it often. It really means a lot to me.

I can't tell you how much both *** and I have changed in the time we've been together, but it didn't happen during the good times--it happened when we were both up front with each other about it. That's why I urge you to lay it out on the table, take all of the time that you need to understand how this all happened and really identify the issues and how you both fit into it. Even if you don't end up staying together, those will be very valuable lessons to carry forward, because as you know we're attracted to a particular type of person and it's so easy to fall into the same ruts if you don't learn something.

Another Daily Thought

When we are no longer able to change a situation - we are challenged to change ourselves.
— Victor E. Frankl

Finding my reason...

I was able to talk to Ryan last night. He called me about 3 hours after he got home. His parents were there when he got home, which I definitely think is a good thing. They aren’t on either of our sides. They are just trying to stay relatively neutral over the whole thing. He told me they wanted me to know they aren’t mad at me. I’m happy about that. In fact, his mom actually told me yesterday she would have been gone a long time ago.

He apologized to me last night. Sincerely. And that hasn’t happened in, I honestly don’t know how long. He didn’t ask me to come home. He said he knows it will take more than words and a question. He knows it’s going to take work and time. I told him how broken I am right now. I told him that I have so many emotions toward him right now that I feel like I can’t even see straight.

It felt good to tell him I’m angry at him. I’m angry that I had to move out and uproot my entire life just to get him to open his eyes to what is really going on.

I asked him if he thought we were too far gone to ever get back what we had and he said no. I was honest with him and told him I don’t have the same optimistic outlook on it. He understood that.

My mom and I got to talking last night. She said something that I didn’t think she realized I was feeling. She knows I want kids. She knows I want to be a mom. And she knows I want that sooner than later. A lot of people ask me if I have kids yet, and I play it off as much as possible saying that I’m not ready for them. When truth of the matter is that I am, to some extent. And I don’t want to keep wasting my life with someone who I don’t even know if they’d be a decent father. That’s why I’m taking a stand now.

We’ll see. We’ll see what the road ahead holds for me. I’m looking for as many open doors as possible at this point. I’m doing some serious soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life so I don’t drag him through the mud in the process.

See, everyone keeps telling me they are proud of me. And that means so much to me. People that I never even thought would get it. Especially women that have gone through something similar to this. What really sucks, is that I was too ashamed to share what I was going through with anyone before this. And now that I’ve had to deal with it for so long inside and I can finally share it outside, I’m coming across so many people that want to talk to me now about it.

They say everything happens for a reason . . . . . I’m still trying to find mine.

Now what?

So, Ryan got home almost an hour ago. I haven't heard a single word from him and I can honestly tell you it's killing me inside. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to expect.

My mom and I went over earlier to let Zoey out to go potty and then I decided I should stop at his parent's house and let them know so they could be there for him. I'm just at such a loss. I want to talk to him more than anything. I want to know what he's thinking. I want him to tell me to come back home that he's so sorry and he'll never be able to survive without me.

I feel so lost. My poor Max is downstairs crying cause he's confused and alone and Maggie is up here crying cause she's in a different place and not used to the noices. I know this is temporary no matter what happens, but it's still hard.

This isn't how life is supposed to be. Not even close.

Holy shit

So, um, I moved out this weekend. And I'm having serious anxiety because he doesn't know yet. Here's the weekend:

Friday - we got into a huge fight and it was stupid and ugly and all that and that's when I gave him the ultimatum (see below post) and then Saturday he left early morning for a soccer tournament and wouldn't return until Sunday evening. I went to a family picnic Sunday and had a great time and when we both got home he was just fine. Like nothing ever happened. I decided right then and there that was enough. Monday he left for work and had to go to Wilmington for a golf thing and isn't going to be back until tonight. So yesterday, I packed all my shit up and headed for my parents.

Fuck. Now what? I left him a note on the door for when he walks in. There is no other good way to do this. Honestly. I took Maggie and Max with me. I had no choice but to take Max. Ryan would honestly injur or kill him. And I can't deal with that. And Maggie is petrified of Ryan. When he yells she comes and cowers on my lap and shakes. And she is really attached to me so I knew that would be best. I have to admit, no matter how much Zoey gets on my nerves, it broke my heart to walk out the door and hear her crying. I'm crying just thinking about it.

I'm a wreck at work today. I can't concentrate at all. Hence the reason for this blog. I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what's next. I'm afraid for me for when he gets home and I'm honestly afraid for him too.

In my note I told him this isn't the end all of things. That I still want to do counseling and I hope he's man enough to show up to it. But I had to get out to save myself at this point. It's a slippery slope and I felt myself sliding more and more every day. I needed to be surrounded by people that love me unconditionally and really respect me as a person that has thoughts and feelings.

I have so many emotions running through my body right now. I'm, of course, super sad and heartbroken over the whole thing. I'm angry that he's made me do this at all. I'm feeling like I'm the one who is hurting him more by walking out like this. I just don't know what to feel or think at all.

I'm such a freakin mess.