Finding my reason...

I was able to talk to Ryan last night. He called me about 3 hours after he got home. His parents were there when he got home, which I definitely think is a good thing. They aren’t on either of our sides. They are just trying to stay relatively neutral over the whole thing. He told me they wanted me to know they aren’t mad at me. I’m happy about that. In fact, his mom actually told me yesterday she would have been gone a long time ago.

He apologized to me last night. Sincerely. And that hasn’t happened in, I honestly don’t know how long. He didn’t ask me to come home. He said he knows it will take more than words and a question. He knows it’s going to take work and time. I told him how broken I am right now. I told him that I have so many emotions toward him right now that I feel like I can’t even see straight.

It felt good to tell him I’m angry at him. I’m angry that I had to move out and uproot my entire life just to get him to open his eyes to what is really going on.

I asked him if he thought we were too far gone to ever get back what we had and he said no. I was honest with him and told him I don’t have the same optimistic outlook on it. He understood that.

My mom and I got to talking last night. She said something that I didn’t think she realized I was feeling. She knows I want kids. She knows I want to be a mom. And she knows I want that sooner than later. A lot of people ask me if I have kids yet, and I play it off as much as possible saying that I’m not ready for them. When truth of the matter is that I am, to some extent. And I don’t want to keep wasting my life with someone who I don’t even know if they’d be a decent father. That’s why I’m taking a stand now.

We’ll see. We’ll see what the road ahead holds for me. I’m looking for as many open doors as possible at this point. I’m doing some serious soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life so I don’t drag him through the mud in the process.

See, everyone keeps telling me they are proud of me. And that means so much to me. People that I never even thought would get it. Especially women that have gone through something similar to this. What really sucks, is that I was too ashamed to share what I was going through with anyone before this. And now that I’ve had to deal with it for so long inside and I can finally share it outside, I’m coming across so many people that want to talk to me now about it.

They say everything happens for a reason . . . . . I’m still trying to find mine.