Afraid...but of what?

I'm afraid of a lot of things. The silliest of most of them, the dark. But I'd prefer not to explain how I have to skip up 2 steps at a time when I'm home by myself simply because I know nothing is behind me trying to get me, but just in case...

Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.

I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.

I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.

I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).

I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.

I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.

I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.

I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.

So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.

Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....

Another date night...

We had another spur-the-moment date night last night. He actually wanted me to go get drinks with his coworkers and by the middle of the day, I fully intended to. However, in my job, you never know what can come next. And from 1:00 until 7:20, I didn't have a single chance to sit down or catch my breath. So by the time I called him at 7:20, he had already headed home. But he insisted on coming back over to go do dinner. Which was fine, cause we went to La Pizzeria (yum!). I told him I had Grant's truck because Halley and Grant took my car to a wedding. So he asked me where the wedding was, when I told him St. Louis, he was not happy. I knew he wouldn't be. But I also know it's my sister and my car and I decided to let her take it because she need a reliable vehicle to get down there.

Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.

The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.

Me so sleepy....

Yesterday I went to Cedar Point with some current coworkers and people that used to work here. It was fun meeting a few new people and definitely a great time riding the rides. I'm a roller coaster junky! I seriously can't get enough of them. I'm definitely the person that will and has stood in line for 3+ hours for a single ride. I'm seriously exhausted today because of it though. And my neck seriously hurts too. I think I hurt it on Magnum. :( Oh well, the price we pay for fun...haha!

So Sunday Ryan and I had another "date". We went to see The Dark Knight (so amazing, by the way!) and then to dinner at Roadhouse. Again, there was some awkwardness. He tells me I'm being too quiet but he doesn't say anything either. We actually met at the house, which I didn't want to do, but he wanted to. So I gave in and met him there. I just wasn't ready to be in there again. And I wish I wouldn't have because my neighbor saw me coming and then leaving again later. I'm sure they are curious what is going on. But I'm always the one that talks to them and not Ryan so I'm sure they are only speculating at this point. Not like it really matters, it's just something that came to my mind. Anyhow - back to my point....So when we got back to the house after dinner I went in for a little while to play with Zoey and we talked some. Ryan asked where I stand right now and I told him I honestly don't know what my future is looking like. I told him that if he made me choose right now, I wouldn't come back. I'm not trying to hurt him or crush his hope in this whole thing, I'm just trying to be as honest about my feelings as possible.

He asked me what he should be doing right now, and while I understand that he doesn't really know what to do, I get frustrated telling him so many times that I don't have a list of things for him to do. I tried telling him before what to do or not to do in order not to lose me and he clearly didn't listen or care then, so why would I even waste my time on trying to figure out what he should or shouldn't do right now?

He told me he feels frustrated because he wants to show me how he's changed and how he is changing but he doesn't know how when we only talk on the phone during the week and don't see each other very much on the weekend. I don't know, I guess I get that but I just don't seem to care about giving him all the opportunities to show me that. I feel like I'm being a total bitch sometimes to him. Like when I left on Sunday, he was crying genuine tears. But I couldn't muster up a single sniffle. I don't want to hurt him, I honestly love him and will always love him. I'm just not in love with him and I just can't find any respect for him in me at all.

Lucky you...

You are lucky because you get two installments of me today :) I had my therapy appointment today and let me just say that I love that woman. I really do. She's everything I say to myself in my head but she's a licensed professional saying it out loud to me. She makes me know that my thoughts and feelings are validated. I have amazing friends and family that tell me this stuff all the time (and it's so great they do because I need some things pounded in my head) but for some reason, when Melinda tells me, I listen more closely. Weird, I know. And I feel a little guilty for even feeling that because you girls that read this are such a strength to me that I don't want you to feel discounted.

I know that it's ok that only 10% of me wants to be with Ryan right now and 90% of me wants to end this right now and start fresh with that part of my life. I have a lot of realizations in theses sessions (which is good otherwise it's just a damn waste of money!). One of them today is that I'm not sure if I want Ryan to change to make this work. I don't want to change, I liked who I was before we got married and I liked where my life was headed. In fact, I have changed and I want to change back in some ways. So why would I want to be with someone if it means they have to change? Granted, Ryan's attitude needs to change. Because regardless of whom he ends up with in life (wife, friends, family, etc), he can't treat them the way he has been treating people and think it's ok. But that's not even the kind of change I'm talking about. If he really does want to be married to someone that is ok with the life she is living at that moment and ok with spending more time at home with him and ok with not seeing her family as much as I want to see mine - then why would I try to mold him into someone different?

Don't get me wrong, part of me wants to make this work just to show the people that said we were too young to get married in the first place they were wrong. But I don't think this is an age thing. I think that Ryan and I are much better at a long distance relationship with one another than we are a marriage. That sounds funny to some people, but Sunday's happenings only confirmed that for me. I'm a big body language reader. Part of that is because I'm in sales and body language says a lot more about what people are thinking or feeling than their actual words do. And it bothers Ryan a lot of what I can read on his body language. He's a much better talker over the phone because he thinks that what he says means more than what he shows. I've agreed to disagree on that one. But I certainly can't have all of my meaningful conversations with him when he's on the road for work and simply go through every day life when he's home. I need more than that.

Another thing is that I would kill to have him be proud of me. I work my ass off every single day of my life. I do everything all or nothing. And to give my all and get nothing, is a heartbreaking thing. He told me last Wednesday that he can't do this. He can't sit around and wait for me to decide what I want. But either he is going to have to, or he is making my decision easier for me. I'm not ready for more. I'm not ready to be back in that house with him and working on things there. I'm not going to be for at least a month or more. And if he can't wait for that, then I'm sorry he can't but I can't rush this.

And I'm finally ok with that. I'm finally ok with setting the timeline. I'm finally ok with him sweating it out. I'm finally ok with being the one that thinks of me first. With being ok with all of that - I'm also finally ok with me.

I'm a good fucking catch. I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I'm funny sometimes and I'm a pretty positive person. I don't believe those things all the time, but for me to realize them even half-assed right now, shows that I did the right thing for me. And honestly, I did the right thing for him. He was headed down a very destructive and dark path and someone had to tell him to straighten up.

(I'm not a very good tooter of my own horn, so please don't take this as me being an egotistical bitch. I just need to remind myself sometimes that I'm really not a bad person)

Change of pace

So I've been tagged by 2 girls now and I think it's super sweet that they think of me :) I am going to break the rules a little bit though and not link people in my tags. The only people that know about this blog and have access to it are my girls on the NEONesties board simply because there are things in here I'd rather not have certain people come across. So without further ado:

Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Write 6 random things about yourself
4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them
5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted.

My Random Facts:

1. I'm a picker. I have this scab on my scalp that I've had ever since 7th grade and I've never let it heal. I hit it on my top locker and it gave me this nice deep scab. Ever since then, I've picked it. My mom and hair dresser both know about it and yell at me all the time for picking it, but it's become a habit more than anything. It's really gross, but it's really soothing to me.

2. I hate to brag, but I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I'm only 24 and I have so many things wrong with my physically that I've learned to block out quite a bit of pain. My back for example: I have had a herniated disc since I was 15 and the pain can be almost unbearable sometimes, but I've just learned to channel my thoughts elsewhere in order to block it out of my mind.

3. I dance, talk, sing, smile, and pose in front of my mirror on a daily basis. For some reason I feel I kind of look my best about 11:30/12:00 at night when I'm getting ready for bed and finding stuff to wear for the next day or even the rest of the week. I play with my hair style and have even been known to try different makeup ideas. I think I have a magic mirror though because I never look the same in any other mirror. Damnit.

4. I have a horrible confession for this one: My mom's side of the family is my favorite. It's not that I don't love my dad's side. Because I love them more than anything, but I'd much rather spend any holiday and any free time with my mom's side. My cousin, Nicki, is one of my best friends of all time and she is on my mom's side. And I'm just closer and more like my cousins on that side overall. It's something I actually feel pretty guilty about, but I think I do a decent job hiding it.

5. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. This links a little bit back to #4 but it is tradition in my family that after we have our big meal (usually around lunch time for us) we take the newspaper and spread out all the ads for the next day and go through them one by one and set up a game plan of who is going where and who is getting what for whom. For a few years we would all go out in our seperate directions and be in line for certain stores when they opened then we would all meet somewhere for lunch (Friendly's was a usual) and give the other people what we bought for them and just go over our day. Those are some of my favorite all-time memories

6. I've always wanted to live in a big city. Like Chicago or New York are my biggest contenders. And I'm not sure sure my wishes are that far out of reach. I've had some really amazing things happening in my life in the past few months and I think I've realized the only person that can really hold me back is myself. It sounds very cliche and fortune cookie-ish but it's true. The job I'm in now is the beginning of my dream career. Granted, it's not the end-all of my destination, but it certainly made me realize that the person in my life that told me that dream was stupid, was completely wrong. It's not a stupid dream, and it's not impossible for me to be what I want.

Dates

So Ryan and I went on 2 dates this weekend.

Friday was my turn to decide what we wanted to do and we went to dinner at Hibachi Japan. The spicy tuna roll was delicious, the filet was cooked perfectly, and the pineapple sherbet to follow it all up was scrumptious. The conversation you ask? Horrible. It was honestly like when you were dating someone and then broke up and decided to be friends and try to go out casually but there is that serious awkwardness cause there is the history and there is so much going on that you just can't look beyond it. I'm not saying I want to completely start over, but I just don't know how to react to everything. He was very much a gentleman and very much the way I wanted him to be again for so long. He grabbed my hand to hold it while we were walking and put his arm around me while we were waiting for our table and was overall very sweet. But I found myself pulling away from it all. It's too much too fast and I just don't feel it right now. When we got back to his car (we met somewhere and I drove since it was my date) and he went to get out he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him, but he clearly wanted more. I told him no and he asked why. I told him I'm just not ready and I could tell that he was disappointed. I'll explain more on that in a minute...

Sunday we went to the Akron Zoo (his date) and then walked around the mall in the Falls (I don't remember what it's called) and then we went to Starbucks. The zoo was fun. I always have a good time there. The weather was nice. Ryan was doing the hand holding thing again. The mall was awkward, I don't really know why we went other than the fact that he wanted to extend the time (can't blame the guy for trying) and then Starbucks was horrible. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything. I tried to start conversations and he'd just give me short answers. It was weird.

So then we parted ways and I headed to Grandpa's for our traditional Sunday get togethers. I missed 3 calls from Ryan in the short time I was there. When I called him back he wanted to talk. Honestly, I was kinda pissed and annoyed by it. I just spent about 7 hours with him and now he wants to talk??

I'm just numb. Who knows what I want right now. I go to the therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can set my head a little straighter than it is now.

Let's talk about sex baby

Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be.

Now, a girl has needs. I don't think anyone can deny that regardless of your libido levels. But this girl has serious needs. I have a pretty healthy drive and let me just say if it weren't for my friend Daddy (from the Nati), I'd be going insane right now. Seriously.

I know some people that have sex through all this hooplah. But I just can't do it. To me, there is so much emotion to having sex with Ryan and I think that would clearly be sending horrible mixed signals to both of us.

So for now, I'm going to enjoy the small bits of time I can find and allow my rubberized pleasure stick do the best he can.

Oh, have a mentioned I live at my parent's house? Cause if I haven't, allow me to mention the awkwardness.