So Ryan and I went on 2 dates this weekend.
Friday was my turn to decide what we wanted to do and we went to dinner at Hibachi Japan. The spicy tuna roll was delicious, the filet was cooked perfectly, and the pineapple sherbet to follow it all up was scrumptious. The conversation you ask? Horrible. It was honestly like when you were dating someone and then broke up and decided to be friends and try to go out casually but there is that serious awkwardness cause there is the history and there is so much going on that you just can't look beyond it. I'm not saying I want to completely start over, but I just don't know how to react to everything. He was very much a gentleman and very much the way I wanted him to be again for so long. He grabbed my hand to hold it while we were walking and put his arm around me while we were waiting for our table and was overall very sweet. But I found myself pulling away from it all. It's too much too fast and I just don't feel it right now. When we got back to his car (we met somewhere and I drove since it was my date) and he went to get out he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him, but he clearly wanted more. I told him no and he asked why. I told him I'm just not ready and I could tell that he was disappointed. I'll explain more on that in a minute...
Sunday we went to the Akron Zoo (his date) and then walked around the mall in the Falls (I don't remember what it's called) and then we went to Starbucks. The zoo was fun. I always have a good time there. The weather was nice. Ryan was doing the hand holding thing again. The mall was awkward, I don't really know why we went other than the fact that he wanted to extend the time (can't blame the guy for trying) and then Starbucks was horrible. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't say anything. I tried to start conversations and he'd just give me short answers. It was weird.
So then we parted ways and I headed to Grandpa's for our traditional Sunday get togethers. I missed 3 calls from Ryan in the short time I was there. When I called him back he wanted to talk. Honestly, I was kinda pissed and annoyed by it. I just spent about 7 hours with him and now he wants to talk??
I'm just numb. Who knows what I want right now. I go to the therapist tomorrow. Maybe she can set my head a little straighter than it is now.
A little bit of the rollercoaster I call my ever-changing life...
Monday, August 11, 2008
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6 comments:
Ugh, I can't imagine how awkward that must have been! I would also be aggravated that he spent 7 hours NOT talking to you and then wanted to talk--did you smack the crap out of him for that one?
You're totally justified in feeling the "too much too fast" things. I would, too. I hope your counseling session goes well.
My only advice is take all the time you need. You didn't get to this point in your relationship overnight and you won't be able to fix it overnight...or with one therapy session. It's going to take time, so take it slow and do it right.
Hang in there...you are one strong woman!
i can't really say anything that hasn't been said - but I would have to think that everything you feel is totally normal!
You are doing a great job so far - time will do the rest
I would call it being shell-shocked after all that you've been through recently. I'm sure the feeling will come back once the shock wears off a bit.
Maybe Ryan was just as nervous and didn't know how to say what he wanted to say? I'm not trying to make excuses for him because that is pretty rude to spend 7 hours with you and not say a thing.
It is hard, and will be hard, but good for you for making the effort. It must have been hard to do, and I am proud of you for doing it.
If you feel like something different, you've been tagged in my blog :-)
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