Lucky you...

You are lucky because you get two installments of me today :) I had my therapy appointment today and let me just say that I love that woman. I really do. She's everything I say to myself in my head but she's a licensed professional saying it out loud to me. She makes me know that my thoughts and feelings are validated. I have amazing friends and family that tell me this stuff all the time (and it's so great they do because I need some things pounded in my head) but for some reason, when Melinda tells me, I listen more closely. Weird, I know. And I feel a little guilty for even feeling that because you girls that read this are such a strength to me that I don't want you to feel discounted.

I know that it's ok that only 10% of me wants to be with Ryan right now and 90% of me wants to end this right now and start fresh with that part of my life. I have a lot of realizations in theses sessions (which is good otherwise it's just a damn waste of money!). One of them today is that I'm not sure if I want Ryan to change to make this work. I don't want to change, I liked who I was before we got married and I liked where my life was headed. In fact, I have changed and I want to change back in some ways. So why would I want to be with someone if it means they have to change? Granted, Ryan's attitude needs to change. Because regardless of whom he ends up with in life (wife, friends, family, etc), he can't treat them the way he has been treating people and think it's ok. But that's not even the kind of change I'm talking about. If he really does want to be married to someone that is ok with the life she is living at that moment and ok with spending more time at home with him and ok with not seeing her family as much as I want to see mine - then why would I try to mold him into someone different?

Don't get me wrong, part of me wants to make this work just to show the people that said we were too young to get married in the first place they were wrong. But I don't think this is an age thing. I think that Ryan and I are much better at a long distance relationship with one another than we are a marriage. That sounds funny to some people, but Sunday's happenings only confirmed that for me. I'm a big body language reader. Part of that is because I'm in sales and body language says a lot more about what people are thinking or feeling than their actual words do. And it bothers Ryan a lot of what I can read on his body language. He's a much better talker over the phone because he thinks that what he says means more than what he shows. I've agreed to disagree on that one. But I certainly can't have all of my meaningful conversations with him when he's on the road for work and simply go through every day life when he's home. I need more than that.

Another thing is that I would kill to have him be proud of me. I work my ass off every single day of my life. I do everything all or nothing. And to give my all and get nothing, is a heartbreaking thing. He told me last Wednesday that he can't do this. He can't sit around and wait for me to decide what I want. But either he is going to have to, or he is making my decision easier for me. I'm not ready for more. I'm not ready to be back in that house with him and working on things there. I'm not going to be for at least a month or more. And if he can't wait for that, then I'm sorry he can't but I can't rush this.

And I'm finally ok with that. I'm finally ok with setting the timeline. I'm finally ok with him sweating it out. I'm finally ok with being the one that thinks of me first. With being ok with all of that - I'm also finally ok with me.

I'm a good fucking catch. I'm not ugly, I'm smart, I'm funny sometimes and I'm a pretty positive person. I don't believe those things all the time, but for me to realize them even half-assed right now, shows that I did the right thing for me. And honestly, I did the right thing for him. He was headed down a very destructive and dark path and someone had to tell him to straighten up.

(I'm not a very good tooter of my own horn, so please don't take this as me being an egotistical bitch. I just need to remind myself sometimes that I'm really not a bad person)