Seriously. The week sucked ass. My weeks start on Tuesdays and it's surprising how quickly I've gotten used to that. Anyhow, Tuesday morning I woke up to a serious migraine. Puking and all. Definitely not fun. So I ended up missing my weekly sales meeting which sucked (and definitely didn't suck in other ways) but my whole week got kicked off to people not minding their own damn business. Tuesday and Wednesday were horrible days at work for me. By Thursday I decided that the people that were getting to me the most, were the people that meant the least.
On top of work, I had a completely breakdown on Wednesday at home too. The whole "just don't belong" thing came to a complete head and I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up yelling at Ryan, which I do feel badly for, but he just wasn't getting it. I kept telling him how I don't feel like I belong in my parent's home and I'm just having a hard time adjusting to any of it and he kept telling me I could go back home. WTF don't you get about it?! I was there! I got treated like shit, I left.
He told me the other day how much he misses me. I told him in response, "I told you that you would." Shitty? Maybe. Truthful? Definitely. I remember one conversation perfectly clear. He flew off the handle about me not folding the laundry in the dryer when it buzzed and letting them sit and get a little wrinkly (something I'm guilty of a lot of times). I told him to chill cause it wasn't that big of a deal and he walked passed the dryer about 6 times and could have stopped to do it (it's in the mudroom off the garage). He told me he does enough around the house and the fight went on from there. I told him plain as day, "You will miss me when I'm gone some day. You will regret every word you are saying and you will really miss me." And now he does.
In one way, I feel almost justified by that. In another way, my heart hurts that he couldn't listen up then.
I'm going to look at apartments next week. Maybe it's too soon, I don't know. But it feels right to me. The idea of being independent and making everything work on my own is what is pulling me that direction. The fact of almost feeling justified in knowing that I can do it on my own and I can be successful and happy and balanced. Another reason for wanting this is to literally have a place that I can feel like it's ok to come and go without inconveniencing my parents or leave the laundry in the dryer a little longer if I want (of course that won't happen with the apartments I can afford on my own. haha! But you get the idea)
As for this weekend - I'm going out tonight! I need to drink off the week and I haven't seen my best friend in forever!
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Just don't belong
That's how I've been feeling lately. Like I just don't belong anywhere. I definitely don't belong at home with Ryan. It's awkward and weird there. I'm not ready to go back by any means and no matter how much I miss my huge closet and bathroom, I just can't convince myself that's enough to move back. haha!
But at the same time, I also don't really feel like I belong in my parent's home either. I was gone long enough that it isn't really my home anymore. And my work schedule is nuts so I'm really never there when they are. By the time they get home and eat dinner and are ready to head out to whatever they are doing for the evening, I'm just getting home. And the fact that I have 2 dogs there doesn't help the situation at all.
I've decided to ask Ryan if he would be able to have Maggie live with him again. She's much more "needy" of people's time and attention and I've definitely been made aware of that by my mom. Max is a little more like an extension of Diamond (my parent's golden) so he's much less of a hassle. He's crate trained and actually really loves his crate. He's clearly housebroken and overall just really goes with the flow.
Anyhow, I guess that's where I am. Just not sure where I belong with anyone or anywhere. I know my parents aren't trying to make me feel that way on purpose. I know this is just as hard for them, but sometimes it really makes it harder on me. I feel like I need to rush my decision of what is going to happen simply because I'm taking up space in their house.
But at the same time, I also don't really feel like I belong in my parent's home either. I was gone long enough that it isn't really my home anymore. And my work schedule is nuts so I'm really never there when they are. By the time they get home and eat dinner and are ready to head out to whatever they are doing for the evening, I'm just getting home. And the fact that I have 2 dogs there doesn't help the situation at all.
I've decided to ask Ryan if he would be able to have Maggie live with him again. She's much more "needy" of people's time and attention and I've definitely been made aware of that by my mom. Max is a little more like an extension of Diamond (my parent's golden) so he's much less of a hassle. He's crate trained and actually really loves his crate. He's clearly housebroken and overall just really goes with the flow.
Anyhow, I guess that's where I am. Just not sure where I belong with anyone or anywhere. I know my parents aren't trying to make me feel that way on purpose. I know this is just as hard for them, but sometimes it really makes it harder on me. I feel like I need to rush my decision of what is going to happen simply because I'm taking up space in their house.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The hardest part
The hardest part that I'm having to come to terms with is actually rather surprising to me. It's explaining to people and me having to be ok with them not being ok with it. Follow that? I didn't think so, I'll give an example.
I was talking to an aquaintance (not really a friend, not really just a random person) who knows a little bit about what I've been going through. She was asking me questions about where I am with things and how things have been going. Now, being a normal person she told me that she hopes we can work things out. She made a comment about how if I once loved him enough to work so hard for our relationship and loved him enough to marry him, it has to be somewhere inside me to want to get back. To me, it seemed like a sweet naive comment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't annoyed, I was actually kind of glad she said that.
The thing is, no one really knows what I'm going through. I can explain my every thought and feeling and action to someone constantly throughout my entire day, but I don't think they'll ever actually understand how it really feels. How much it really hurts and how much it really just sucks. They'll also never understand how relieved I feel about things and how I'm feeling more on track of where I want my life to be right now that I have in the past year.
Some people get a lot more of it than I think they do. Like the other day my cousin/best friend said "I'm just glad Becky is back" That comment made me so happy. She knows more about me than anyone on this planet and I'm so glad to hear her know this is me.
On a side note - I was reading over some of my answers to the questions below, and I realized how open and honest I was in them. I didn't think I was being that open in them (I probably wouldn't have posted them anywhere on the internet if I would have even thought about it first) but I'm so glad I was. I think it really shows another milestone in where I am right now. I'm ok with having certain feelings and sharing them.
I was talking to an aquaintance (not really a friend, not really just a random person) who knows a little bit about what I've been going through. She was asking me questions about where I am with things and how things have been going. Now, being a normal person she told me that she hopes we can work things out. She made a comment about how if I once loved him enough to work so hard for our relationship and loved him enough to marry him, it has to be somewhere inside me to want to get back. To me, it seemed like a sweet naive comment. I wasn't angry, I wasn't annoyed, I was actually kind of glad she said that.
The thing is, no one really knows what I'm going through. I can explain my every thought and feeling and action to someone constantly throughout my entire day, but I don't think they'll ever actually understand how it really feels. How much it really hurts and how much it really just sucks. They'll also never understand how relieved I feel about things and how I'm feeling more on track of where I want my life to be right now that I have in the past year.
Some people get a lot more of it than I think they do. Like the other day my cousin/best friend said "I'm just glad Becky is back" That comment made me so happy. She knows more about me than anyone on this planet and I'm so glad to hear her know this is me.
On a side note - I was reading over some of my answers to the questions below, and I realized how open and honest I was in them. I didn't think I was being that open in them (I probably wouldn't have posted them anywhere on the internet if I would have even thought about it first) but I'm so glad I was. I think it really shows another milestone in where I am right now. I'm ok with having certain feelings and sharing them.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Homework
We got some homework reading assignments for our counseling. One of them was excerpt from the book "Too Bad to Stay but Too Good to Leave" and there were 10 questions on there to answer. Here is what I got for them:
1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.
2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.
3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.
4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.
5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.
6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.
7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.
8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.
9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.
10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.
1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.
2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.
3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.
4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.
5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.
6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.
7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.
8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.
9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.
10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.
Sentimental
So last night I cried. It's been the first time that I've cried on my own about this whole thing for about 2 weeks. I happened to be looking through the pictures on my phone and it made me miss a lot of things about how they used to be. When I was packing to move out I took a minute to get a shower. When I came out, I found Zoey laying on top of one of the blankets that I threw on top of a pile of bags. It was like her little way of willing me to stay. It was so cute that I took a picture.
I miss the structure of my life, no matter how miserable that structure made me. I miss going home at the end of the day to 2 yapping dogs and one that knocked me down. I miss opening the fridge and freezer and being frustrated about not knowing what to make for dinner. I honestly even miss just plopping down on my couch in my house and turning on my tv for a few minutes. It's all small stuff, but stuff that made me a little bit sad last night for some reason. Probably because Aunt Flo is on her ugly little way, but I just felt so sentimental and honestly, lonely.
I'm afraid of being alone. But what's funny is that I kinda feel liberated about being alone also. Weird.
I miss the structure of my life, no matter how miserable that structure made me. I miss going home at the end of the day to 2 yapping dogs and one that knocked me down. I miss opening the fridge and freezer and being frustrated about not knowing what to make for dinner. I honestly even miss just plopping down on my couch in my house and turning on my tv for a few minutes. It's all small stuff, but stuff that made me a little bit sad last night for some reason. Probably because Aunt Flo is on her ugly little way, but I just felt so sentimental and honestly, lonely.
I'm afraid of being alone. But what's funny is that I kinda feel liberated about being alone also. Weird.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Afraid...but of what?
I'm afraid of a lot of things. The silliest of most of them, the dark. But I'd prefer not to explain how I have to skip up 2 steps at a time when I'm home by myself simply because I know nothing is behind me trying to get me, but just in case...
Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.
I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.
I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.
I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).
I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.
I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.
I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.
I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.
So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.
Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....
Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.
I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.
I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.
I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).
I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.
I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.
I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.
I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.
So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.
Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Another date night...
We had another spur-the-moment date night last night. He actually wanted me to go get drinks with his coworkers and by the middle of the day, I fully intended to. However, in my job, you never know what can come next. And from 1:00 until 7:20, I didn't have a single chance to sit down or catch my breath. So by the time I called him at 7:20, he had already headed home. But he insisted on coming back over to go do dinner. Which was fine, cause we went to La Pizzeria (yum!). I told him I had Grant's truck because Halley and Grant took my car to a wedding. So he asked me where the wedding was, when I told him St. Louis, he was not happy. I knew he wouldn't be. But I also know it's my sister and my car and I decided to let her take it because she need a reliable vehicle to get down there.
Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.
The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.
Anyhow, the point of my story on that one, is the fact that there are a lot of things that remind me why I don't want to live like that for the rest of my life. His disapproval of my sister and her fiancee is a major one of those reasons.
The more days that go on, the more I feel less like I could fall in love with him again. And quite honestly, the stronger I feel as an individual. A capable woman.
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