Goodbye

Dear Ryan –

I’ve decided to write this letter because I’ve always been better at written words as opposed to spoken. I typically get all flustered and lose track of what it is I really want to say. So here it is…a letter to explain to you how I feel.

If someone would I have told me 6 years ago that I would fall in love, graduate college, get married, buy a car, buy a house, get a dog (or three), and become a bridal coordinator all by the time I was 25, I would have laughed in their face. (And promptly asked them to tell me more of what they know is going to happen in my life.) Two years ago, if someone would have told me that the man I so greatly adore will consequently break my heart and crush my spirit and I would be moving back in with my parents, I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.

However, the good, the bad and the ugly of each of those statements have come true. It has been one hell of a ride. We’ve had ups and downs and all-arounds. Some of the happiest moments of my entire life have happened with you. First and foremost, our wedding day. I worked so very hard to make it a perfect day, and I truly believe that it was just that. And three short weeks later we bought my very first brand new car. Something I honestly didn’t see happening in my life for a very long time. Pulling into my parent’s driveway was one of the absolute best feelings I’ve had. And of course, buying our house. Who knew that two twenty-somethings could afford something like that? And actually have furniture (even if it was all hand-me-down) to fill it with. Our three little rascals are certainly apples of my eye, and I know yours too.

When I look back on the 6 years of us dating, being engaged and being married, I certainly smile. It really does make me happy to see what we accomplished in a short amount of time. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say those thoughts and memories weren’t tainted. For about a year to a year and a half, I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of who I really am and I was simply surviving life. It’s definitely not all your fault, and I’d never put the blame on you for that. Mostly that is my fault for not standing up for myself and allowing life around me to change who I was and what I stood for. Unfortunately though, that is what happened.

So many days I was crushed and never felt like enough. The smallest things that were said to me are some of the things that hurt the absolute most. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to, and couldn’t, get out of bed because I felt as though I had absolutely no reason to go on with life. My family was no longer good enough and could do nothing but wrong. I love my family more than anything on this entire planet and I found myself taking sides. I’d be defending them to you for small, silly things and I’d feel myself slipping further and further away from you with every little dig.

Last October I really thought we hit a turning point. I thought that you truly got where I was coming from when I told you I was ready to leave. I was changing (slowly, yes) for you and trying to respect your every request. Things were great for awhile. We had fun spending time together and made a real effort to make each other happy. But things changed quickly. I don’t know whose fault it was, and I’m not one to point fingers. But I know it went downhill about a month or so after that.

Don’t get me wrong, even through all of the bad times, there were amazing times. Like after my whole family left from Christmas Eve and you told me you were proud because I had pulled the whole thing together and everyone had a good time and was happy. Or when I pulled the housewarming party off by myself and you were proud of me for that as well. But for me, even the great times seem to be overshadowed. Life always seems to be such a struggle with us. We always seem to be trying to “win” battles or argue our case.

Before I moved out of the house, I had moved out of our relationship well before that. I needed to rescue myself and make me whole again. For weeks and weeks and weeks I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to not let you hurt me anymore. I stayed as long as I did because I honestly thought you would kill yourself, or me, out of desperation. That is a horrible and lonely way to live though. I learned that very quickly. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to get myself out of that situation unscathed. I had to rely on the family that I had pushed aside before and I thank God every day for putting them in my life.

See, when I married you, I planned on you being my family. Of course I wanted to keep my “extended” family very close in our lives but I wanted them to be just that – extended family. But in the end, I found myself making you my extended family. You felt as though we were excluding you and making plans against you. But in all honestly, everyone was trying their absolute best to help me get through those tough times. They were giving me encouraging words and the hugs I needed to push through. And push I did. I kept pushing as hard as I possibly could to make things work for us. Everything you asked of me, except a joint account, was done. And even the things you were asking me to do and I was doing, weren’t good enough. It crushed my spirit and honestly made me feel worthless.

You ask me if I’ve seen a change in you over the past 3 months, and my answer is yes. I see you becoming a better man and striving for better. And I do appreciate that so very much. But I’m afraid it’s too little too late. I’m not in love with you anymore, Ryan. Respect is such an important thing for me. It’s something that I give only when I get it. And I didn’t get it. You told me at one point that you wouldn’t talk to anyone else the way you talk to me. That day my heart shattered. I’ll never forget that day for the rest of my life. And that’s why I can’t do this. Because I’ll honestly never forget that.

I want out, Ryan. It’s over for me. And I’d only be hurting us both if I kept stringing this along at this point. I pray that you will some day understand why I’m making this decision. I certainly don’t expect you to now. Please know that I prayed over this for a very long time. It’s what I cry myself to sleep with every night. I will always love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you and know that if you ever need anything, I will be there to help. I simply cannot do it as your wife.

Love,

Becky

Fantastic Weekend!!

I had an *amazing* weekend! It all started on Thursday. We had the Glenn Miller Orchestra at work on Tuesday and the group invited me to come see them perform on Thursday in Akron. I was excited because it would be a fun night out so I went. After the concert they had a cocktail reception and it was fun hanging out with them. They are a great group of guys. :) I ended up staying out pretty late with that so Friday morning I was completely dragging at work. But that's ok cause it was definitely worth it.

Friday after work Mom and Dad wanted to take me to dinner for my birthday. Ryan wanted to take me as well so I suggested all going together. Not only that, but it was a way for me to not have to do dinner exclusive with Ryan (horribly mean? maybe. over it? definitely). After dinner Mom and Dad had a social dance at their dance studio (they've been taking ballroom dancing) and they offered for me to go and watch. I, being the generous sucker I am, also asked Ryan if he would like to go. Mistake. Because when we got there he started acting like a stupid little baby. We were offered to participate in the dancing and learn a little bit as we went along. He started ranting and whining about how I knew this the whole time and I set him up and I should know better because I know how much he doesn't like dancing and blah blah fucking blah. I was so pissed and so annoyed. I just ignored him almost the entire rest of the time. I'm so over that. He then had the nerve to tell me he had a good time and asked if I wanted to go get coffee or a drink after. Um, no fucktard.
So when I got home he called and we started fighting about it more. I informed him it's my birthday and I'm leaving it drama free and when he decides to grow up, I'll talk to him.

So I moved on from that not letting it ruin my weekend. Saturday morning I had a nail appointment cause Ron wanted to make sure I looked perfect for my birthday. haha! He's so sweet :) What's better than having your nail guy as your friend? Then I grabbed Panera with a friend for breakfast and headed into the office. My wedding went perfect that day! Everything went smoothly and everyone was happy. And it was an early night! The bar closed by 10 so I was able to get out of there by 9. it was great! I headed out of work, changed into a cute birthday outfit and went out. A group of my friends were at 7 Martini watching the game so I went there. Unfortunately the Bucks lost, but I can't control everything on my birthday! haha! A few more of my friends trickled in throughout the night and it was a great time! There was dancing and drinking and laughing and overall good fun. There were a few small random drama things, but nothing to ruin the night overall. After bar close we decided to head over to Steak and Shake for some good, greasy food. Unfortunately they sucked bad. So we rolled on over to iHop. Which was a great idea, until someone in our group went through a light a little too orange (that's what you say when you know it's red when you are going through but you think it should still be considered yellow. haha) She only got a traffic violation, but it still sucked for her night. After some french toast and bacon (yep, I'm healthy) I headed home.

Sunday I enjoyed a cookout with friends and then a haunted house. Let me just tell you how awesome the new Factory of Terror is. It was such a fun time! Seriously!

Anyhow, I would definitely say this birthday made up for all the past ones. I smiled and laughed and had a fantastic time the whole weekend!

Senior Advice

We were taken o'er so intense
With no time to act, it made no sense
We both tried to stop but could not hide
The burn we had so deep inside.

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

Now you try to walk away, yeah so far away
Cuz you're so afraid of feeling pain
But if you are all walled from all that's bad
Then you’ll miss all the good you should've had

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

As of now though I don't know no I don't know
How this little play is gonna go
I won't take anything of you for free
So please don't wall yourself from me

I wanna run
I wanna hide let me go deep down inside
Not the bod in my eyes in my soul just let it go
Feel the heat see the flash love consumes but does it last
Hold it close don't let it go
Do for you
I you own

The more you fear, the less you live
The more you run, the more I’ll give
The less you play, the more we'll win
The less you hide, the best we'll live

Too much pressure

So I've figured it out. I've figured out why my birthdays always suck. I put too much pressure on them. Plain and simple. I expect too much out of them and expect them to be wonderful. Let's look back at my past 4ish birthdays:

21st - Sucked. Sucked. Sucked. I was soooo sick. I had the flu and the worst migraine I've ever had in my entire life (and I've had some bad ones). My family headed out to my school to take me to my birthday dinner. I could barely sit up in the seat. We went to Applebee's and my mom was sweet enough to order me something tall and fruity and deliciously alcoholic. I couldn't even take a full sip of it. I was so drugged up and so sick that I didn't even take a bite of food either. I called my mom the next morning and told her I wished I felt like shit because I was so hungover from an amazing bash and not because I was so damn sick.

22nd - I don't want to even get into this birthday. Just trust me, it sucked more than any and all of the others I can ever explain.

23rd - See, I was newly married and all excited to have a great night out with my new husband and a group of our friends and family. Turns out though, he had to be out of town on business. That's ok, I'll just celebrate with my friends that I was planning on doing anyhow. But did that happen, you ask? Nope! Everyone's plans changed. I don't even know what I ended up doing honestly. I blocked it from my memory.

24th - My life was shitty at this point. I was completely and utterly unhappily married and miserable. He was going out of town and it was finally a safe time for me to move out and make a point to him that he needs to shape up or ship out. Well, as I was packing and moving he called and we talked and I read the letter I was planning on leaving and we had a serious heart-to-heart and laid it all out on the line. The long and the short is that he admitted he was beeing a doo-doo head and agreed to change. Soooo...I was determined this was going to be the best birthday weekend ever still. My cousin and I were going down to Columbus to go to the game and have an entire weekend of shopping and eating and drinking. And we were going to get our tatoos that we forever wanted. Well, the game was fun, the drinking and eating were pretty fun but wouldn't you know, I got another f'ing migraine! And of course, it was on the day we were supposed to get our tattoos. And the thought of a needle piercing my skin thousands of time is intimidating enough when you don't have a hundred-million pound vice squeezing your head and you are puking your guts out because of it. This was all the weekend before my birthday. And on my actual birthday I was going to go out with a group of friends and have some drinks and celebrate. Oh, and have I mentioned Ryan was out of town this whole time? So my birthday came and a friend of mine was coming in town to go out with us and was just going to stay at my house. Well, surprise! She brought her girlfriend. Yep, my newly lesbian friend brought her girlfriend. Fine, whatever. I like her girlfriend so it's not that big of a deal. Well it wouldn't have been. Except the fact that they were ALL over each other at the bar the whole time. And don't think I'm against them as a couple or anything, I'm against any couple that can't keep their hands to their fucking self in public places. And I don't mean a little butt groping or anything. No. I'm talking full out feeling each other up. So we get home and they get all freaky with each other and are fucking loud. All damn night. I get about 4 hours of sleep and make it to work just a wee bit cranky.

25th - Well, this is supposed to be my 'golden year' or my 'balanced birthday' cause I'm turning 25 on the 25th. We'll see. I'm seriously doubting it's going to be even half way decent. I'm living at my parents (not like it would matter even if I was at home and happily married, Ryan is going to be out of town anyhow) and going through the shittiest time of my life on my marriage aspect. I have to work on my birthday, and not just work, I have a wedding which means I can't even get out at 6ish and still have a great night. Now, the good news is that it's an early one so I'll be out of here by about 9, but still. And then, I was planning on going out after with a big group of friend. Well, I just found out yesterday that 3 of them won't be there. And my cousin/best friend is going to be out of town as well. I don't know what it is exactly I need to have happen in order to feel like it will be a great birthday, I guess I'm just hoping for too much.

p.s. - for those of you that were curious...the text secret thing I was talking about is a blog. mytextsecret.blogspot.com (I think)

p.s.s. - I know this entire blog is me bitching and sounding like a little kid. But I have to admit that I totally take birthdays way more serious than I should. I've always been the kind of person to go WAY above and beyond for all of my friends to make sure they have a fantastic time

p.p.s. - I never know if it should be 2-p's or 2-s's after the first p.s. What does p.s. stand for anyhow?

Secrets

I have a serious obsession with postsecret. I seriously can't get enough of it. I guess it's because I have secrets I would like to share. The funny thing about the secrets people share are that they, on some level, would love for them to be found out. Otherwise they wouldn't mail them to a perfect stranger to have the entire internet read them. I found another website that is similar and I wasted a good bit of my sleep time last night reading it. And for some unknown reason at 2:43am I did it, I texted that perfect stranger. Why? Not sure. I want my secret to be found out on some level. I know I do. I've always been the kind of person that has secrets and yet wants them to not be secrets. Like in my mind I have this idea that the secret I'm currently holding will be the one that will unlock the amazing fairytale part of my life. That's the secret I sent. The secret that will unlock that part of my life. Because I know the person I wrote it about will happen to be on that website after it's posted reading the completely anonymous texts and come across mine and know I'm talking about them and call me and we will talk and catch up after 4 years and everything will be perfect and we'll be best friends again.

Delusional much?

Daily Quote

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.
— Gloria Steinem

AM.NOT.TWELVE

Seriously, I'm not 12 years old anymore. Just because I went to the New Kids concert last week does not mean I'm going backwards in age. My face is ridiculously broken out right now. Like I can pretty much connect the dots right now. I'm sure it's just because of stress cause I'm busy with work and still dealing a lot with the home situation, but come-freakin-on!

On another note, I'm extending my resume. Yep, on Monday I was a DJ. Not too shabby either. I'm not so fond of the talking and making announcements part of it, but the changing songs thing I've got down. haha! And I've just gotten asked to be a photographer for the second time. Good times.