2008

I’d like to do my year-end review. Typically I hate these kind of things…but this has been such a rollercoaster of a year that I think it’s good to look back on it as a whole. So let's start from the top:

January - nothing too exciting. It was cold and icky (I don't remember that for a fact but it is Ohio and it is a pretty safe bet). My BIL got engaged over Christmas and I was anxious to be able to help them begin planning their wedding. We had also gotten a new puppy right before Christmas so he was consuming a lot of my time as well. Between the 3 dogs, a husband, and a decently busy job my time was pretty well taken up.

February - Ryan and I had been in the house for a year at this point and I couldn't believe where time had gone already. I was doing as much decorating as possible and painting and such. This is also sadly the month I lost my great grandma. Granny was 91 and had lived an amazing life. She was one of the best babysitters cause she’d let us stay up until we saw Mom and Dad’s headlights coming in the driveway. And she’d give us candy and read us books for hours and hours. Every time we’d get to her house she’d holler out to us, “Come in little ones!” And she’d sit and rock us for hours. I miss her still to this day. But I know she’s happy now. I know she’s in a wonderful place with all of the people she’s had to let go.

March – Nothing all that special in March either. The weather was still crappy, as it usually is in Ohio. Things didn’t seem to be getting any better with Ryan and me. I actually found myself not caring one way or another what he thought or how he felt about things. Emotionally, I was just about done. I would cry myself to sleep every night and would only hurt during the day. There were days that I wouldn’t get out of bed and simply call off work. I’d get up and get dressed enough so that by the time Ryan got home he’d never know that I hadn’t gotten up. I was extremely depressed and it was affecting every aspect of my life. I begged and begged to go to marriage counseling but he only poo-pooed the idea.

April – Well, I started this thing. haha! This was kind of a way for me to get my feelings out without having to worry too much about Ryan finding a journal or something. I know, seems funny to “hide” my thoughts and feelings on the *world*wide*web* but it was true. I went to a therapist by myself to rescue myself. I was drowning slowly completely losing sight of which end was up. I was alienating myself from my family and totally losing all of my friends. I was so hurt and so alone. At the end of my first counseling session I was told that we would either get Ryan in there with me, or we’d get me out of the horrible situation. Who would know for sure that I would end up where I am now…

May – At the beginning of the month a friend of mine let me know she’d be leaving her current position and encouraged me to get my resume to her stat. Good thing I did. After several interviews I got the job :) It is certainly an amazing stepping stone for me with some great networking opportunities. Just like any job, it has its ups and downs. But overall, I absolutely positively love it. I can’t tell you how amazing it felt to know that I was breaking into that “field”. Ryan told me flat out that he didn’t think I could do it in this area. He said it would be a waste of time and money to try to pursue and I should find a new dream. I told him thanks for being a supportive and loving husband and jack off.

June – It was warm, it was sunny…it was our two year anniversary. I look back and see nothing positive about our relationship. We made it to two years. Two years full of hurt, frustration and anger. Don’t get me wrong there were some amazing times in there as well. But overall, it was a time of stress for both of us. This is the month I finally got his parents involved. I knew I couldn’t handle everything by myself. And I knew (or at least hoped dearly) that I wasn’t just being a big baby about everything that was happening. I needed help from people who knew him better than I did. I had hoped that they would help him understand how he was being and that if he wasn’t careful, he’d lose something very special to him. If only he’d listened to his mom… Oh, and my cousin and his wife had their baby. The very first baby of all us cousins to the very couple that was so financially un-ready for a baby living in a place that is so not safe for a baby. Yeah, cause that one didn’t hurt at all.

July – What a month. Oy! It started out with my baby brother’s graduation party. I missed most of it, but it turns out it wasn’t such a horrible thing because the new baby was there and I’m sure she was as adorable as ever. I started becoming pretty good friends with some people here at work. And one, mischievous Wednesday night I ended up on a boat after dinner. A few beers in I somehow ended up in the lake. After running from car to car with no britches on, I stopped at Walmart to dry my hair under the hand dryer in the bathroom. It was one of the best memories I’ve ever made. I finally convinced Ryan to go to counseling with me. And then, we had a horrible weekend. It was a blowout. So I left. I up and walked out. I was done with the bullshit and done with the hurt. This was the hardest and yet most exhilarating time in my entire life. I felt empowered and amazing about myself for the first time in almost two years. I could make decisions on my own without worrying about being ridiculed and belittled.

August – This month was spent finding a reason and myself. Looking back over the entire year, I’m going to say this had to be one of the most challenging but enlightening months of the year. I was living under my parent’s roof again for the first time in 6 years and that was quite the adjustment. While it was a house I had lived in for 5 years, it no longer felt like my home. I was used to running my own household and setting my own schedule and making my own decisions. My puppies were in heaven having a huge fenced-in backyard to run and play in freely. They also were in their cages very little because with so many people in and out of the house, there was almost always someone home with them. I was extremely busy with work though so my time at home was very limited. Ryan and I were ‘dating’ per the request of our counselor and it was horribly awkward. The only way for me to describe it is like when you break up with someone after having a long-term relationship and then you try to be friends after. All of that history and those memories are in the forefront of your mind while you try to act like everything is brand new with this person. It just doesn’t usually work. It is safe for me to say now, but by this time I had already made up my mind on what was going to happen in the future. I knew deep in my heart that they scaring was too deep and too much to turn the situation around and make it good again. In my heart I knew, but I wasn’t quite ready to let the world in on it yet. I needed some more time to be 100% sure. I was working on finding a new balance for my life and struggling with the changes that were happening. I was also realizing that the things that were changing were huge, huge things and the entire future I had planned at one point was no more. I had a homework assignment from our counselor that gave me so much more insight than I had ever planned. For the first time in a very long time in our relationship I was open and honest with every single answer and I didn’t worry about how Ryan felt about what I was saying. I needed to get a lot of things off my chest and that helped me do it.

September – Looking back, I don’t remember a whole lot about this month. Nothing spectacular happened. I looked for an apartment and found some cute ones, but I ended up holding off on that (clearly) for a little bit. Otherwise, nothing really all that amazing happened to my knowledge.

October – Best month of the year. Hands down. Now, this could be because it was my ‘golden birthday’ month and I had one of the best birthday celebrations ever. The month as a whole started out a little rough. I had certainly made up my decision in my mind and was struggling portraying that to the appropriate people. I felt like I was drowning again and knew that I needed to remedy that. I came to some amazing realizations of how planning my life had clearly not worked and I was planning on stopping planning. haha! Seriously though, I decided to just keep dreaming and working towards end goals as opposed to the day-to-day planning I’m so familiar and comfortable with. My birthday weekend was so completely fantastic it will be hard to beat from here on out. I had dinner Friday night, went dancing Friday night, had breakfast Saturday morning, left work relatively early Saturday, went out with friends Saturday night, went to breakfast late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon consisted of a cookout with new friends and then Sunday night was a haunted house. Really, what more could a girl ask for?

November – I did it. I finally told Ryan flat out that it was completely over for me. I was done trying and done working at it. I had worked myself to death trying to fix what I clearly couldn’t and unfortunately all of that wasted energy was all I had in me. I came up with three goals for myself of what I’d like to happen within the next 5 years of my life:
1. Move the hell outta here. Get out of Ohio and find an amazing life somewhere else
2. Make another wise career move
3. Get my master’s degree
Of course being a girl also makes me hope to find love at some point. I’m certainly not rushing into anything, but I would like to hopefully have a decent prospect in the not too distant future. And I’m thinking 5 years seems relatively reasonable to find such prospect.

December – I’m not going to lie, the holidays were a little rough for me. This was the first time since I’ve been in high school that I was actually single for the holidays. I’ve had a boyfriend or fiancé or husband every single year since I was in 10th grade. It was kinda strange. What was even harder is going to the church I was married in for Christmas Eve service. I stayed in the middle of the pack of my family and just laid as low as possible. The month for me has been spent with family and friends old and new. In fact, last night I went to dinner with 6 of my friends from middle school and high school. I honestly can’t believe that I would still know and be friends with all of these amazing women. And it just reminds me to live for every moment I’m given. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve been given and I have absolutely no regrets in life. I’m thankful for the supportive and loving family God has blessed me with and I would chance that for the world. Of course I have my tiffs with them, but there isn’t a single doubt in my mind that every single one of them would take a bullet for me as would I for them. I have a wide range of friends that make me laugh and feel good on a daily basis. If it weren’t for the sequence of events I’ve had during the past 25 years of my life, good and bad, I wouldn’t be where I am. Sure I have “what if” moments. Who doesn’t? But I know I am who I am based on going through what I’ve gone through.

After all – it is what it is.

Wild Horses

I feel these 4 walls closing in
My face up against the glass
I'm looking out... hmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
Its greener pastures I'm thinking about hmm
Wide open spaces far away

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind
I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love, like I'm longing to
Run with the wild horses, run with the wild horses

I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare back, care free along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head first headlong without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free

All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but, not feel scared

Black & White and Grey All Over

I got the draft for the Petition/Seperation Agreement/Decree about an hour ago. It's 14 pages long with lots of big words and formalities. Everything seems so black and white when you see it in writing and on paper like this. I know that in the court of law, it is black and white. They see these things tens of times a day.

But for me, it's personal.

I don't see the car they see listed under "JT" (joint for those of you like me who would have had no idea what that meant). I see a car that we bought literally 3 weeks after we were married because my poor little car couldn't make it any more. I see a car that we were so proud and so nervous to buy. It was the first brand new car either of us had ever personally owned and one that smelled so deliciously new as we drove it off the lot. I see a car that helped me understand that I was married and grown-up and making large financial decisions for the rest of my life with this man.

I don't see real estate that was purchased jointly. I see a house that became a home that has now been divided. I see memories in those colorful walls that started so blank. I see a washer and dryer that took weeks to buy to make sure we had the perfect set. I see a yard that was so lovingly taken care of day in and out. I see a dogwood tree in the yard that we were so excited to buy. I see a dining room suite that was bought spur the moment and had to be transported in the back of a pickup with my BIL riding with it freezing the whole way home. I see a gorgeous kitchen full of amazing appliances that were fought over when we signed the papers. I see a curtain in the dining room with a hole in it where our newest puppy decided to have a small snack.

The truth is I see memories and hopes and dreams in between the lines of these papers. I see good times and bad times. I see two lives that have taken drastic turns from where they were headed 2 years ago. I see grey...

Tired

I'm so tired. Life is seriously draining me. I put everything I have into everything I do and it never seems to be good enough. I'm just so exhuasted....

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Random Thoughts

It's probably partly because I'm sick and partly just cause I'm scatterbrained - but today is one of those days that I've got a lot going through my mind...so I'll jot them down here:

- I've always taken issue with people that don't like me when they don't know my whole story. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or maybe what has happened in your past so how can they really, fully judge you? I know perfectly well that it's human nature and that these things happen. But when I found out that Ryan's brother and his fiance are angry at me for how I've handled things, I was truly upset and hurt by the whole thing. I know that he's their brother and it's only human nature and that my family is the same way, but how they've handled things have hurt me. I gave them 8 tickets to a bridal show this past October. They are getting married in 2010 and I've been helping plan as much as possible or as much as they'll let me. I didn't see them at the show so I figured that meant they decided to go to the Cleveland one the week after instead. Boy, was I wrong. They were there, they saw me from afar and never came up to say hi. They said they didn't know what to say to me. Maybe they could have said thank you? Thanks for saving us $80 to come to this. Sometimes, things like that make this a little bit easier. I know for a fact that not a single person from my family would ever do something like that to any of them. Shit like that hurts.

- I'm going to legally change my name. I'm going back to the identity that I assumed and absolutely loved for 22 years. But I'm going to keep my current name at work. I'm a bridal coordinator and even though most people would think it's really not a big deal for a bridal coordinator to be divorced as long as she can throw a kick-ass event, you'd be completely wrong. People think that what happens in your personal life completely affects what happens in your professional life. Now, I know they intertwine much more than they should, but let's be honest people. Sometimes I'd like to shake those particular brides (or mothers because they tend to be worse about it) and say, "This is just another wedding. Your day will come and go and won't mean a gosh darn thing to me while I'm sitting in court finalizing my divorce" haha! Of course that's horribly harsh and honestly not how I feel about weddings. If it was, I wouldn't be employed in this position. I truly love the weddings I do and really bond with so many of the girls. They just don't always realize that I can put together an amazing event for them and not have it be affected by whether or not I'm wearing a wedding band. Which, by the way, will also remain on my finger. It's also easier to ward off the drunk groomsmen when I can tell them I'm married. hehe

- I've decided where I want to move. I've always wanted Chicago. And I do love that windy city. But I know that if I complain about the weather here, I'll only have 3 times as much to complain about there. I need hot. But I still need somewhere with seasons. I have family on the west coast and while I love it, the cost of living is definitely way higher than it is here. So I think I've found the perfect location. It's hot in the summer, warm in the winter but there are definitely still seasons. It's on the coast which means plenty of beach time. The cost of living is very reasonable. It's not a horribly touristy area. There is definitely potential for growth and opportunity. It's a quick plane ride back to Ohio but drivable if necessary. It's Charleston, South Carolina. Don't worry, I'll make sure I've got a place for you to crash when you come visit :)

- My friends are amazing. I've got a group of friends that I've made since I've started working here that are awesome people. They've completely taken me in and made me feel like one of the crew. I know that they would truly have my back too. If I ever needed anything I could guarantee they'd be there to help in an instant. In these said group of friends, I have a slight embarrassing confession: they make me feel really good. They are always complimenting me not only on my looks but on my personality as well. I've always admitted that girls like to be checked out. Any girl will deny that, but every girl wants it. We like to feel desirable. And quite honestly, in the past 2ish years I haven't felt that way at all. I have felt ugly and rejected. And yes, MO, I know your warning about a certain someone here. Don't worry...it won't get too serious ;) hahaha!

- I need to find someone to take Max. My poor monkey. I want to keep him more than anything, but it's just not going to work. I work a ton of hours, especially during the summer. It's not that I couldn't make it work somehow, but it's honestly not fair to him. He needs room to run and play. He *loves* running. My parents have a decent sized back yard and everytime he goes outside he sprints off the deck and around the whole perimiter or the fence at least 5 times. And he is so fast! Where I can afford to live and will be able to live around here will not have the space for him that he needs. He is such a lover and an amazingly sweet boy. He loves cuddling and is extremely protective over me. He is a huge scardy cat and afraid of everything, especially new people. But if he ever feels threatened he has this horribly mean and scary bark. He uses that bark as he backs up toward me or behind the couch. haha! But it is very intimidating. And if I would ever be threatened or in danger, he wouldn't even bat a lash and he'd definitely protect me. He loves playing tug and loves chasing balls. He's definitely got lab in him with his fetching abilities. And I'm not sure what breed gives him his running abilities, but damn is he quick. He is my little monkey and it breaks my heart knowing he won't be my puppy forever, but it's not fair to him to be kenneled all day every day. And he's young, so I know he'll be ok.

- Ryan is being nice now. Super nice. Like today when I emailed him to tell him I was going to the doctor and tell him about our appointment with the attorney, he emailed me back and said, "Anyway, in all sincereness please do use the insurance card for the doctor's visit. You shouldn't have to pay anything - the deductable has been met. It will be atleast a little cheaper. Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok." After that when I called to tell him I did use the insurance he said how he genuinely cares about me and wants me to get better. And then we were talking about dissolution stuff and certain details we need to work out, like refinancing and such. Anyhow, it's good because this is exactly how things should work out with both of us being nice and adult-like and such. But it still makes me a little uneasy sometimes. I think part of it is the fact that he knows financially he's getting out really easy. I'm sure his dad told him that and told him to lay low on things. Which is fine, I'll take nice any day.

- I feel like crap. I've got a sinus infection that is seriously sucking any energy I possibly have out of me. Blech...

I think that's it for right now. haha!

Bittersweet

So last night, Ryan gave in. He stopped fighting me on this and gave in. He knows it is over between us. He knows there is no future for us being married.

It hurt so bad. It's what I want. I know it is. But it still hurts. I feel rejected, not good enough, not wanted. Stupid? Maybe. But it's still so hard.