Blah...Blah...Blah...

That's all I feel like I say anymore. haha! I really have no significant updates. I hit 18 weeks yesterday and for some reason it felt like such a milestone. Most people would consider 20 weeks to be the milestone. But as we've all discovered, I am certainly not like most people. :)

So what did I do to celebrate this milestone? Laid in bed sick all day. Ugh! haha!

I've been feeling the little gremlin a little more often now. That's what I've decided to call it instead of Bean. Gremlin. Yesterday it was Blood-Sucking Gremlin. Today, it's back to just Gremlin. haha!

Rick and I aren't really having much luck agreeing on names at all. Well, mostly I suggest names then he makes fun of them in some capacity. haha! His reasons for shooting them down are really quite lame...but I'm in no rush yet to pick one. So on we'll go with our random game. :)

What else...hm....work sucks. Big time. Our company is dissolving and the partners are splitting into their own companies. It sucks. I'm stuck in the middle of a lot of it and I really do hate it. I feel like I was brought into an unfair situation and I'm very frustrated by the whole thing. I may not have a job at all in two months. That could suck, I suppose. Then again, at least I won't be in this environment anymore. The stress is certainly not helping how I feel every day.

I'm starting to get very anxious about the fetal echo. I know stressing or worrying about it will help no one or do any good, but I can't help it. What if there is something wrong? Even though they can fix it about 75% of the time now, what if we fall in that 25% category. The saddest thing is I'm still not feeling connected really at all. So the extremely ridiculously selfish part of me is worried I'm suffering and completely sick for absolutely no reason at all. The motherly side of me can't imagine having to watch a human being suffer and having to bury my child. Clearly I have mental issues.

Update

So I figured I'd throw out a bit of an update. Not a whole lot to update about though.

I'm still sick. Shocked? Yeah, me either :( It's sucking so hard core. The doctor gave me a new script to try but it made me WAY jittery so I stopped taking it. Like unbearably jittery. Now I'm back to throwing up. Oh the joy.

My belly is turning into a baby belly slowly but surely. I can't suck it all the way in anymore so that's how I know it's different. That and cause it's hard now. Feels totally different.

I felt the baby moving around for the first real time on Saturday night. It was pretty crazy! We were bowling with some people Rick works with and there was a disco song that came on. It was too funny so I had to text my parents and let them know. I knew my dad would love that part and he definitely did!

Hm, what else? I really can't think of much else right now. I'll be 17 weeks on Wednesday. It seems very surreal. Like time shouldn't be passing as quickly as it actually is. We've known for about 12 weeks now and to think that much time has passed since my shaking hand held that positive test is amazing to me. I'm almost half way through my pregnancy. How is that even possible? In 23 weeks they are going to let me birth and care for a human being. Holy crap!

Belly Pictures

So I'm having a hard time feeling pregnant right now. I mean, obviously it's the reason I'm sick all.the.fucking.time and why my boobs are huge and all that good stuff. But I just feel, well, fat. Here are some comparison photos for you to share in my feelings on this one.

Just before 5 weeks...

And 15 weeks on the nose (or should we say on the boobs and ass?)...

15 weeks

tomorrow. Officially 15 weeks tomorrow. Where has the time gone already? I found out almost 11 weeks ago that we were expecting. It seems like yesterday. I remember sitting on the toilet shaking just staring at that those two lines. And now?

Well now I'm still pretty sick a good majority of the time. Right now I'm sucking down some tea with honey and lemon tea to soothe my poor throat that is dying from all of the throwing up. ps - just had to look up that honey was safe because for some reason I felt like I had seen that it wasn't. I'm weird.

I'm starting to get a wee bit of a baby bump. I feel like it's still too early. But I'm pretty thin and I really don't have super strong stomach muscles or anything to hold it in, so I guess it's possible. I can only see it when I suck all the bloat in and in the mornings when I lay on my back. My tummy doesn't go completely flat like it used to. I can feel my super hard uterus in there too.

I haven't felt the baby any more. Or what I thought was the baby. Could have been gas that felt like it, or it could have been a total fluke that I happened to be sitting there still and quiet enough to feel it in the first place anyhow. Either way, I'll be excited when I really do feel those strong kicks. :)

I think that's actually all. We go next week for our 16 week appointment and to set the appointments for the anatomy scan and for the fetal echo. I will surely be a nervous wreck when it comes time for those. But I'll keep my blind faith that all will be well. Worrying won't do either of us any good.

2nd Trimester

So it's here, I've officially made it to the second trimester. :) I'm 13w6d today and I have to say how relieved I am to have made it this far. I truly thought that something would go wrong up until this point.

Symptoms: I'm still hella tired. I try to take a nap every day at lunch but I'm not sure that is the best idea. Usually I end up sleeping over a bit and make myself late. Not that it matters at all, but I think it actually makes me more tired. And no matter what time I go to bed at night, it's still super hard to get up in the morning. It has always been that way for me, but now it's worse! haha! I'm still pretty bloated it seems. Though at this point I'm the same weight as I was pre-pregnancy. I can see my uterus not though. I have been able to feel it for about 2ish weeks or so. But now when I suck in all the fat, I can see it poking out just above my pubic bone down there. I'm still sick a good bit of the time. But I know it's getting better. I went all day Sunday with no Zofran at all which was a huge fete! I took it all day yesterday so I didn't feel like crap at work. But by the time I made it home I felt so icky. I lost all my dinner before I went to bed too, so that sucked. Today I'm trying no Zofran to see if maybe my body is just rejecting that now. Guess we'll see!

If I didn't know better I'd say I felt flutters. It was right where I know my uterus is. It felt like itty bitty gassy bubbles and I know that's all it is. But man, how awesome would it be if it wasn't?! haha! I'm telling myself that it wasn't though because then I'll just drive myself nuts waiting to feel it again :)

I want so badly to say how attached I am and all, but I just can't yet. I don't know if it's a coping mechanism or if I'm just going to be a horrible mother. I'm so scared of what they'll find at the fetal echo. I know that hypoplastic left heart syndrome can be genetic and it's a little boy in there, he's 50% more likely and that scares the shit out of me. I know things are COMPLETELY different from what they were when my brother was born. I mean, they didn't even come up with surgeries for it until a year after he was born. But that doesn't mean it won't be a horribly, rough life for all of us. And I don't want my baby to have to go through that. What an awful way to have to start your life.

So I just choose at this point to not think about it as much as possible. I remind myself there is a baby in there and I need to eat healthy and all that, but I think I'm purposely not trying to get attached in case the baby doesn't make it.

Will I ever feel normal?

I just want to feel normal again. Even if just for a day. I want to feel like myself and I don't know how to do that.

I don't want sex anymore. At all. And I love sex. I love that time that we have together making each other feel absolutely amazing. I love the way it makes me feel and who I am in the middle of it knowing I'm making him happy also. But right now? It's all I can do not to puke on him right after. That's just disgusting. And the least thing from sexy ever. My body doesn't even feel the need for it. I normally do. I normally feel the need for it a least once I day. I haven't had sex in over a week and a half and I couldn't care less. I can't even give blow jobs without gagging. So I gave him a hand job the other night. That's right. All because I felt bad for the poor guy.

I'm huge. I'm so fat that none of my clothes fit. And I can't even suck in my belly any more. I've never had to suck in my belly 24/7. And now I do and I can't even do it. I have nothing to wear and people probably think I'm just porking on the pounds. Especially those that don't know I'm pregnant.

I cry at the drop of a hat. I've always been an emotional person but this is just fucking ridiculous. I cry thinking about crying too much. Who does that?

I'm exhausted. All. The. Time. I could go to bed for the rest of the night right this very minute at 4:11pm. Why?! I used to stay up until at least 1am every night and be back up by 7:30 the next morning for work and stay out until God knows when on the weekends. Now, by 9pm I can barely keep my eyes open.

I just want to feel a little bit normal. Just for a day.

What is wrong with me?!

I have everything in the world going for me right now and all I can seem to do is bitch and moan. I have the most amazing man in my life. I couldn't have asked for anyone more perfect. But all I do is complain to him about things that are completely stupid to complain about.

Like my job. I hate it, actually. I'm COMPLETELY underutilized for any kind of task I can rock and I'm completely bored 98.9% of my day here. I literally surf the internet for all but maybe 1 hour of my day. And it's not because I'm not getting my job done. It's because I have NOTHING to do. But what is wrong with that? Honestly. I'm making more now than I did at my last job and I literally have about 50 hours a week less of work to accomplish. So why do I hate it so much? As dumb as it sounds, I feel useless. I'd rather be busy all day and feel like there are not enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done as compared to this. It's dumb, I know. But it's true.

And I complain to Rick about it. Which is the dumbest thing ever. Poor guy works with complete idiots. And he literally does not have enough hours in the day to accomplish what needs to be done. And I know I frustrate him so much when I complain about it. I just need to keep my freaking mouth shut.