Tired

I'm so tired. Life is seriously draining me. I put everything I have into everything I do and it never seems to be good enough. I'm just so exhuasted....

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Random Thoughts

It's probably partly because I'm sick and partly just cause I'm scatterbrained - but today is one of those days that I've got a lot going through my mind...so I'll jot them down here:

- I've always taken issue with people that don't like me when they don't know my whole story. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors or maybe what has happened in your past so how can they really, fully judge you? I know perfectly well that it's human nature and that these things happen. But when I found out that Ryan's brother and his fiance are angry at me for how I've handled things, I was truly upset and hurt by the whole thing. I know that he's their brother and it's only human nature and that my family is the same way, but how they've handled things have hurt me. I gave them 8 tickets to a bridal show this past October. They are getting married in 2010 and I've been helping plan as much as possible or as much as they'll let me. I didn't see them at the show so I figured that meant they decided to go to the Cleveland one the week after instead. Boy, was I wrong. They were there, they saw me from afar and never came up to say hi. They said they didn't know what to say to me. Maybe they could have said thank you? Thanks for saving us $80 to come to this. Sometimes, things like that make this a little bit easier. I know for a fact that not a single person from my family would ever do something like that to any of them. Shit like that hurts.

- I'm going to legally change my name. I'm going back to the identity that I assumed and absolutely loved for 22 years. But I'm going to keep my current name at work. I'm a bridal coordinator and even though most people would think it's really not a big deal for a bridal coordinator to be divorced as long as she can throw a kick-ass event, you'd be completely wrong. People think that what happens in your personal life completely affects what happens in your professional life. Now, I know they intertwine much more than they should, but let's be honest people. Sometimes I'd like to shake those particular brides (or mothers because they tend to be worse about it) and say, "This is just another wedding. Your day will come and go and won't mean a gosh darn thing to me while I'm sitting in court finalizing my divorce" haha! Of course that's horribly harsh and honestly not how I feel about weddings. If it was, I wouldn't be employed in this position. I truly love the weddings I do and really bond with so many of the girls. They just don't always realize that I can put together an amazing event for them and not have it be affected by whether or not I'm wearing a wedding band. Which, by the way, will also remain on my finger. It's also easier to ward off the drunk groomsmen when I can tell them I'm married. hehe

- I've decided where I want to move. I've always wanted Chicago. And I do love that windy city. But I know that if I complain about the weather here, I'll only have 3 times as much to complain about there. I need hot. But I still need somewhere with seasons. I have family on the west coast and while I love it, the cost of living is definitely way higher than it is here. So I think I've found the perfect location. It's hot in the summer, warm in the winter but there are definitely still seasons. It's on the coast which means plenty of beach time. The cost of living is very reasonable. It's not a horribly touristy area. There is definitely potential for growth and opportunity. It's a quick plane ride back to Ohio but drivable if necessary. It's Charleston, South Carolina. Don't worry, I'll make sure I've got a place for you to crash when you come visit :)

- My friends are amazing. I've got a group of friends that I've made since I've started working here that are awesome people. They've completely taken me in and made me feel like one of the crew. I know that they would truly have my back too. If I ever needed anything I could guarantee they'd be there to help in an instant. In these said group of friends, I have a slight embarrassing confession: they make me feel really good. They are always complimenting me not only on my looks but on my personality as well. I've always admitted that girls like to be checked out. Any girl will deny that, but every girl wants it. We like to feel desirable. And quite honestly, in the past 2ish years I haven't felt that way at all. I have felt ugly and rejected. And yes, MO, I know your warning about a certain someone here. Don't worry...it won't get too serious ;) hahaha!

- I need to find someone to take Max. My poor monkey. I want to keep him more than anything, but it's just not going to work. I work a ton of hours, especially during the summer. It's not that I couldn't make it work somehow, but it's honestly not fair to him. He needs room to run and play. He *loves* running. My parents have a decent sized back yard and everytime he goes outside he sprints off the deck and around the whole perimiter or the fence at least 5 times. And he is so fast! Where I can afford to live and will be able to live around here will not have the space for him that he needs. He is such a lover and an amazingly sweet boy. He loves cuddling and is extremely protective over me. He is a huge scardy cat and afraid of everything, especially new people. But if he ever feels threatened he has this horribly mean and scary bark. He uses that bark as he backs up toward me or behind the couch. haha! But it is very intimidating. And if I would ever be threatened or in danger, he wouldn't even bat a lash and he'd definitely protect me. He loves playing tug and loves chasing balls. He's definitely got lab in him with his fetching abilities. And I'm not sure what breed gives him his running abilities, but damn is he quick. He is my little monkey and it breaks my heart knowing he won't be my puppy forever, but it's not fair to him to be kenneled all day every day. And he's young, so I know he'll be ok.

- Ryan is being nice now. Super nice. Like today when I emailed him to tell him I was going to the doctor and tell him about our appointment with the attorney, he emailed me back and said, "Anyway, in all sincereness please do use the insurance card for the doctor's visit. You shouldn't have to pay anything - the deductable has been met. It will be atleast a little cheaper. Thinking of you, hope you are doing ok." After that when I called to tell him I did use the insurance he said how he genuinely cares about me and wants me to get better. And then we were talking about dissolution stuff and certain details we need to work out, like refinancing and such. Anyhow, it's good because this is exactly how things should work out with both of us being nice and adult-like and such. But it still makes me a little uneasy sometimes. I think part of it is the fact that he knows financially he's getting out really easy. I'm sure his dad told him that and told him to lay low on things. Which is fine, I'll take nice any day.

- I feel like crap. I've got a sinus infection that is seriously sucking any energy I possibly have out of me. Blech...

I think that's it for right now. haha!

Bittersweet

So last night, Ryan gave in. He stopped fighting me on this and gave in. He knows it is over between us. He knows there is no future for us being married.

It hurt so bad. It's what I want. I know it is. But it still hurts. I feel rejected, not good enough, not wanted. Stupid? Maybe. But it's still so hard.

What's in a name?

So something that never really occured to me before but I guess it's something I can/should think about is my name. For 22 years I was a Foringer and it was so extrememly hard to not be one anymore when I got married. But Becky Brown was soo much easier and it really wasn't *that* big of a deal. But what about now?

Honestly, I didn't even think about changing my name back until one of my friends suggested it. Mostly it was just to shake things up with our fellow church mates. (We were always the rebels that liked making all of their heads roll. :insert evil laugh here:) But she really got me thinking about it.

No one at work knows me as Becky F. Only Becky Brown. And to the really cool ones, Downtown Becky Brown. haha! Actually, for all legal purposes I'm still Becky F. (Well, Rebeca actually but let's not do that, I'll think I'm in trouble with my mother)

I can't even tell you how much Brown is (or F-as in Frank, O-R-I-N-G-E-R as I've had to say it forever). I can easily get my name on a list in a noisy restaurant, very few people ask how to spell it over the phone (yes, I've had a few ask), and what isn't cool about having an alliterate name. And really, it is just a name.

But it's my name.

Anyone out there that subjects themself to reading this horrific blog have an opinion for me that might help? Anyone else been divorced? What did you do? Who should I be?

So very hard for me

We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. ~Joseph Campbell

Those words speak to me deeply. See, I'm a planner by nature. It's literally in my blood to have everything planned out and ready to go. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty good at taking things in stride as they come up and interfere with what I've planned. But as long we can stick with the greater master plan. Now, being a Christian, I know that my plan means absolutely jack in the grand scheme of things. But this doesn't keep me from planning. Nope. I just plug away with my mental and written lists and timelines and plans. And when we deviate from that, I make a new plan based on that.

Quite honestly, I don't think that planning is such a bad thing. I think that it helps keep your head on straight sometimes. It helps to keep the day-to-day routines going in a relatively straight line as to reach the final goal. But I do know that by following "my plan" I've missed out on a few opportunities along the way that could have been life altering.

So I'm trying to change my thoughts and actions on planning. I'm focusing more on the end results. I'm all about idea boards and visualizing the future and not so much about directing the way I get to it. I've always written out goals and taped them somewhere so that I can see them every day and remind myself why it is I get up and go in the mornings.

So what about my plan for life right now? Honestly, I don't have one. I mean, I kinda do. I know that I want a family some day. I know that I want to have a relatively equal balance of extended family, immediate family, career, religion and hobbies (yeah, I know, who doesn't). But honestly, I don't have a plan for tomorrow really.

In some ways it scares the crap out of me. I've never been like this. Ever. But in other ways, I feel liberated. I feel like nothing can possibly hold me back from whatever it is I want to do. Not even myself.

Here are the things I know will happen in my life in the next 5ish years
1. I will move out of Ohio. I have to. I have to spread my wings somewhere else. I feel stale and held down here. I love my family more than anything and it will be so damn hard to not have them within a quick car trip, but I honestly believe the world gets smaller every day.
2. I will make a very wise career move. Clearly, since I'm planning on leaving the state, I'll have to make a change of employer. What position I will work into from here, I'm not quite sure. But I do know it will be very well thought out and strategic.
3. I will go back to school. It's something I've been putting off a bit and I really need to quit doing that. I need my masters. No ifs, ands or buts about it. In order to move up, I honestly believe I need a higher degree. And knowledge is something no one can ever take from you.

Beyond that, I'm not really sure what will happen in my life in the next 5 years.

Here's to hoping it's mostly positive though!

Goodbye

Dear Ryan –

I’ve decided to write this letter because I’ve always been better at written words as opposed to spoken. I typically get all flustered and lose track of what it is I really want to say. So here it is…a letter to explain to you how I feel.

If someone would I have told me 6 years ago that I would fall in love, graduate college, get married, buy a car, buy a house, get a dog (or three), and become a bridal coordinator all by the time I was 25, I would have laughed in their face. (And promptly asked them to tell me more of what they know is going to happen in my life.) Two years ago, if someone would have told me that the man I so greatly adore will consequently break my heart and crush my spirit and I would be moving back in with my parents, I definitely wouldn’t have believed them.

However, the good, the bad and the ugly of each of those statements have come true. It has been one hell of a ride. We’ve had ups and downs and all-arounds. Some of the happiest moments of my entire life have happened with you. First and foremost, our wedding day. I worked so very hard to make it a perfect day, and I truly believe that it was just that. And three short weeks later we bought my very first brand new car. Something I honestly didn’t see happening in my life for a very long time. Pulling into my parent’s driveway was one of the absolute best feelings I’ve had. And of course, buying our house. Who knew that two twenty-somethings could afford something like that? And actually have furniture (even if it was all hand-me-down) to fill it with. Our three little rascals are certainly apples of my eye, and I know yours too.

When I look back on the 6 years of us dating, being engaged and being married, I certainly smile. It really does make me happy to see what we accomplished in a short amount of time. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say those thoughts and memories weren’t tainted. For about a year to a year and a half, I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of who I really am and I was simply surviving life. It’s definitely not all your fault, and I’d never put the blame on you for that. Mostly that is my fault for not standing up for myself and allowing life around me to change who I was and what I stood for. Unfortunately though, that is what happened.

So many days I was crushed and never felt like enough. The smallest things that were said to me are some of the things that hurt the absolute most. I was at a point in my life where I didn’t want to, and couldn’t, get out of bed because I felt as though I had absolutely no reason to go on with life. My family was no longer good enough and could do nothing but wrong. I love my family more than anything on this entire planet and I found myself taking sides. I’d be defending them to you for small, silly things and I’d feel myself slipping further and further away from you with every little dig.

Last October I really thought we hit a turning point. I thought that you truly got where I was coming from when I told you I was ready to leave. I was changing (slowly, yes) for you and trying to respect your every request. Things were great for awhile. We had fun spending time together and made a real effort to make each other happy. But things changed quickly. I don’t know whose fault it was, and I’m not one to point fingers. But I know it went downhill about a month or so after that.

Don’t get me wrong, even through all of the bad times, there were amazing times. Like after my whole family left from Christmas Eve and you told me you were proud because I had pulled the whole thing together and everyone had a good time and was happy. Or when I pulled the housewarming party off by myself and you were proud of me for that as well. But for me, even the great times seem to be overshadowed. Life always seems to be such a struggle with us. We always seem to be trying to “win” battles or argue our case.

Before I moved out of the house, I had moved out of our relationship well before that. I needed to rescue myself and make me whole again. For weeks and weeks and weeks I prayed to God to give me strength and courage to not let you hurt me anymore. I stayed as long as I did because I honestly thought you would kill yourself, or me, out of desperation. That is a horrible and lonely way to live though. I learned that very quickly. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to get myself out of that situation unscathed. I had to rely on the family that I had pushed aside before and I thank God every day for putting them in my life.

See, when I married you, I planned on you being my family. Of course I wanted to keep my “extended” family very close in our lives but I wanted them to be just that – extended family. But in the end, I found myself making you my extended family. You felt as though we were excluding you and making plans against you. But in all honestly, everyone was trying their absolute best to help me get through those tough times. They were giving me encouraging words and the hugs I needed to push through. And push I did. I kept pushing as hard as I possibly could to make things work for us. Everything you asked of me, except a joint account, was done. And even the things you were asking me to do and I was doing, weren’t good enough. It crushed my spirit and honestly made me feel worthless.

You ask me if I’ve seen a change in you over the past 3 months, and my answer is yes. I see you becoming a better man and striving for better. And I do appreciate that so very much. But I’m afraid it’s too little too late. I’m not in love with you anymore, Ryan. Respect is such an important thing for me. It’s something that I give only when I get it. And I didn’t get it. You told me at one point that you wouldn’t talk to anyone else the way you talk to me. That day my heart shattered. I’ll never forget that day for the rest of my life. And that’s why I can’t do this. Because I’ll honestly never forget that.

I want out, Ryan. It’s over for me. And I’d only be hurting us both if I kept stringing this along at this point. I pray that you will some day understand why I’m making this decision. I certainly don’t expect you to now. Please know that I prayed over this for a very long time. It’s what I cry myself to sleep with every night. I will always love you. I will always have a place in my heart for you and know that if you ever need anything, I will be there to help. I simply cannot do it as your wife.

Love,

Becky