I'm afraid of a lot of things. The silliest of most of them, the dark. But I'd prefer not to explain how I have to skip up 2 steps at a time when I'm home by myself simply because I know nothing is behind me trying to get me, but just in case...
Instead, I'd rather spending my time explaining what I'm afraid of in life.
I'm afraid of not getting the approval of certain people. In fact, all people. Now, I know this is literally impossible. I get that in this little head of mine. But it doesn't mean I don't try. It doesn't mean that it doesn't drive me insane if someone doesn't like who I am or what I say. Stupid, I know. But I think quite a few people are guilty of that. Especially females. I think we are most guilty of it.
I'm afraid of my family being disappointed in me. For anything. Including not making enough money or not doing enough volunteer work or not being funny enough or any number of things. Mostly for being a failure.
I'm afraid to say what it is I really want in life. What it is I'm really thinking and what it is I really want to happen. I'm afraid what I want to happen is only on the surface and what I really want isn't what I think I want (yeah, I'm sure you are lost on that one).
I'm afraid of certain words. Funny thing is I'm not afraid of the biggest words in certain sentences. An example? Most people would be afraid of the word divorce. Not me. Nope, I'm not afraid of that word at all. I think it's a tragedy and I think it's a very sad word and one that hurts a lot of people. A word (or action technically) that ruins a lot of lives and something that is rushed into and very unecessary in a lot of cases. But the thing is, I'm not afraid of that word.
I'm actually afraid of 2 words that can be said in front of it: I. Want.
I was driving home tonight thinking of a conversation I had with a friend. Not about my question mark marriage, not about my question mark life. More about my wants and needs and desires. More about who I am and who I want to be. And I realized, I'm not afraid to say things when it comes to that. I'm not afraid of who I want to be. I know it's a good person. I know I want to be a person that smiles every day simply because she is happy with her life and happy with the decisions in her life. Happy because the people she decides to surround herself with make her a better person. People that make her work for her goals and makes sure she constantly is setting newer and higher goals, but also people that reward her and praise her for reaching the goals she does receive.
I want to be happy, I want to be determined, I want to be challenged, I want to be rewarded.
So what is it that I'm afraid of exactly when I think of wanting a divorce? I'm afraid of failing those that love me the most. I'm afraid of disappointing those that hold the highest hopes in their mind for me. I'm afraid that I'm one of the people that is rushing to a decision.
Do you know when you know? I need some opinions on this one please. Anything you've got for me....
A little bit of the rollercoaster I call my ever-changing life...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
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6 comments:
I can't answer the question "when do you know", but from reading your blogs, I think if you choose to walk away, you can be confident you've tried everything. You've tried to stay and work through things. You've tried counseling. You've tried date nights. Good luck with your decision.
When you are not afraid of putting those two words in front, the time will be right--and it will come out of your mouth loud and clear.
And your friends and family will be behind you 100%, just as we are right now.
I think knowing something in our hearts is one thing...and letting the world in on that is another. As for when you know, there's no magic number for that. It will happen and when it does...everyone will stand behind you, knowing you tried everything you could but that in the long run, your happiness is what matters most. And you deserve to be happy.
btw: I'm also afraid of the dark and run up the stairs when home alone...or even when everyone else is sleeping. silly, I know. :)
I think you'll know when you know. Does that make sense? When you stop questioning it. If you do decide tht this is the path that is right for you, be confident that you have done EVERYTHING you could to make this work- and no one will be dissappointed. ((hugs))
I don't know that you'll ever "know", but at some point I think that you will figure out what is the best thing for you to do. I don't have the answers sweetie, I wish I did. None of us have ever walked in your shoes, or dealt with your situation.
Your family will support you. Your friends will support you. And if any of your friends don't? They aren't really your friends. Whatever decision you make, you can know that you put a lot of careful thought and consideration into it. You worked your butt off trying to make it work, and you've done what you can to try to fix it.
We are all behind you, you know that, and if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
(((Hugs for one of the strongest women I know)))
That self-doubt and thinking that everyone is always judging you is so hard. I live with that every day too. You just have to keep reminding yourself that the people in your life love you for you and not because of what you have done or will do.
As for when you will know it's tough, but Meghan said it best. When you can put those 2 words in front then you'll be ready.
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