Homework

We got some homework reading assignments for our counseling. One of them was excerpt from the book "Too Bad to Stay but Too Good to Leave" and there were 10 questions on there to answer. Here is what I got for them:

1 – Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then? I have a hard time answering this question. I know we were happy. I know we were over the moon to see each other every weekend and would literally count down the hours. The thing that scares me the most about this is that I wonder if we were ever really in a real-life, adult relationship when things like that were going so well. We never really had to deal with any hard issues when we were dating to make us test our relationship. The worst part was that we were long-distance. And we’ve proven we are good at long-distance relationships together. The worst part of our relationship was about a year and four months after we were engaged. I had cold feet about our relationship and our impending future together and I ended up cheating on Ryan with a past fling. It didn’t mean anything to me really, I was just testing myself and seeing if my feelings were real. At that point I felt horribly guilty and realized that the person I was just with meant nothing compared to the relationship and future I was building. I begged and begged and begged Ryan to continue with our current wedding date and to forgive me. The funny thing about all of it is that’s how I view a lot of our relationship being. I’m the one that pressured us into anything in the first place. We would go to Starbucks and sit and talk about everything in our lives and then at the end, I would usually end up going home bawling because he “just wanted to be friends” and didn’t want to “ruin what we already have”. Quite honestly, I’m not really sure how we became a couple. We went to the Christmas party together at the Hall of Fame and I know that was our official first date. But I wonder a lot of times if I’m the one that kept things rolling simply because I wanted them to and not because he wanted that equally as much. My short answer to this long-winded response: I’m not sure things were ever really that amazing all the way through. On the surface we were great together and could make each other laugh and have a good time. But I think it was only surface deep.

2 – Despite your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future? I like when we take the dogs for walks together sometimes. The downtime it provides us is relaxing and a lot of times we get a chance to reflect on our days and our plans and just be alone together. I also really like golfing, even though we argue in the beginning, by the end of the outing we are generally having a pretty decent time together.

3 – Do you genuinely like your partner, and does your partner seem to like you? When I read the rest of the explanation of this question, it made a lot more sense to me and in a lot of ways I could honestly relate: “I know there are periods of anger, hurt, and distance between you, but overall, do you like your partner the way you like a friend? I’ll never forget a client, Ann, who came to me wondering why she was so unhappy when she had a ‘perfect marriage’ to someone who was her ‘best frien,’ someone she loved ‘with all my hear.’ They had gone to several couples’ workshops, they’d taken up hobbies together, but nothing had helped. So I asked her to tell me more about her ‘best friend,’ and the complaints poured out: He was mean, cold, boring, disconnected from his feelings, critical. ‘He’s not a bad person,’ said Ann. ‘Is there something wrong with me that I can’t stop wanting to leave him?’ This is actually a very common way people express their ambivalence: They have a general sense that someone is a ‘good person,’ but they can’t pinpoint their partner’s positive qualities. Eventually, Ann gave herself permission to see her relationship in a more honest light: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked him. I like what he likes. But I don’t like him.’” Sadly, this is where I’m afraid I am in life. I’ve always loved where Ryan’s life was headed. He has a great head on his shoulders, he’s determined, and he’s genuinely good person. But if we weren’t married, I honestly don’t think I’d be friends with him.

4 – If your partner has a problem that makes the relationship painful for you, does he acknowledge it? And is he willing and able to change? I believe at this point, he has heard me and does realize what it is that is so important to me and what I really need in the relationship. In fact, yesterday when we were at our counseling session he even said out loud that he knows I’ve “hounded” him before about how I need physical affection. The thing that scares me the most is the actions I’ve had to take for him to actually get it right now. But I can’t go through these actions every time I need him to understand something or change something. I know he is willing and able to change the things that have been wrong thus far. I don’t think he acknowledges the fact that he was literally abusive to me in the things he said and the things he did. I think that’s something that may need to be worked on. But if I can answer this honestly, I need to answer it back for myself. I don’t know if there is anything that I’m doing that is making the relationship painful so I wonder if there is something I’m not willing or able to acknowledge. Depending on what it is, I’d be willing to change.

5 – Is there some sharp, passionately held difference between you about how you want to live your lives? I’m not sure if the things we disagree on passionately aren't things that we simply have a lack of communication about. Examples: While I believe in a savings and 401k and all that good stuff, I also believe that tomorrow is never guaranteed so if a friend asks us to dinner and the night could cost us $100, it’s well worth the money in order to gain the memories. That’s definitely something we see differently on. I love entertaining and having people over to show off my house and just have a good time overall and I’d be happy entertaining people at least once a week in my home.. Ryan would much rather spend the evening together simply watching tv. The stress this difference alone causes on our relationship is incredible. Are these deal breakers though? That’s where it all becomes a little cloudy for me.

6 – Do you feel that your partner often shows concrete support for the genuine interest in your goals and other things that are important to you? Without a doubt, no. He has told me that he believes my goals and career aspirations are unrealistic and I should think otherwise.

7 – If God or some omniscient being said it was okay to leave, would you feel tremendously relieved and finally end your relationship? Without a doubt, yes.

8 – If one of you severely hurt or betrayed the other, has the pain and damage lessened with time? No, I believe things are just swept further under the rug.

9 – Does it seem to you that your partner always blocks your attempts to bring up the topics you care about? I honestly don’t know the last (or even the first) time we’ve had an actually open-ended conversation about something that was important in our relationship. I’m afraid to say what I want to say and when I finally do, I feel like I’m stupid for thinking/feeling it and I simply fall further into my own little world.

10 – Do you feel willing to give your partner more than you’re giving already, and are you willing to do this without expecting anything in return? I feel tapped out. I feel that I have nothing left to give. That I’ve given everything and I’m run down to my complete core. That if I give any more I’ll completely topple over.