Me so sleepy....

Yesterday I went to Cedar Point with some current coworkers and people that used to work here. It was fun meeting a few new people and definitely a great time riding the rides. I'm a roller coaster junky! I seriously can't get enough of them. I'm definitely the person that will and has stood in line for 3+ hours for a single ride. I'm seriously exhausted today because of it though. And my neck seriously hurts too. I think I hurt it on Magnum. :( Oh well, the price we pay for fun...haha!

So Sunday Ryan and I had another "date". We went to see The Dark Knight (so amazing, by the way!) and then to dinner at Roadhouse. Again, there was some awkwardness. He tells me I'm being too quiet but he doesn't say anything either. We actually met at the house, which I didn't want to do, but he wanted to. So I gave in and met him there. I just wasn't ready to be in there again. And I wish I wouldn't have because my neighbor saw me coming and then leaving again later. I'm sure they are curious what is going on. But I'm always the one that talks to them and not Ryan so I'm sure they are only speculating at this point. Not like it really matters, it's just something that came to my mind. Anyhow - back to my point....So when we got back to the house after dinner I went in for a little while to play with Zoey and we talked some. Ryan asked where I stand right now and I told him I honestly don't know what my future is looking like. I told him that if he made me choose right now, I wouldn't come back. I'm not trying to hurt him or crush his hope in this whole thing, I'm just trying to be as honest about my feelings as possible.

He asked me what he should be doing right now, and while I understand that he doesn't really know what to do, I get frustrated telling him so many times that I don't have a list of things for him to do. I tried telling him before what to do or not to do in order not to lose me and he clearly didn't listen or care then, so why would I even waste my time on trying to figure out what he should or shouldn't do right now?

He told me he feels frustrated because he wants to show me how he's changed and how he is changing but he doesn't know how when we only talk on the phone during the week and don't see each other very much on the weekend. I don't know, I guess I get that but I just don't seem to care about giving him all the opportunities to show me that. I feel like I'm being a total bitch sometimes to him. Like when I left on Sunday, he was crying genuine tears. But I couldn't muster up a single sniffle. I don't want to hurt him, I honestly love him and will always love him. I'm just not in love with him and I just can't find any respect for him in me at all.