So, um, I moved out this weekend. And I'm having serious anxiety because he doesn't know yet. Here's the weekend:
Friday - we got into a huge fight and it was stupid and ugly and all that and that's when I gave him the ultimatum (see below post) and then Saturday he left early morning for a soccer tournament and wouldn't return until Sunday evening. I went to a family picnic Sunday and had a great time and when we both got home he was just fine. Like nothing ever happened. I decided right then and there that was enough. Monday he left for work and had to go to Wilmington for a golf thing and isn't going to be back until tonight. So yesterday, I packed all my shit up and headed for my parents.
Fuck. Now what? I left him a note on the door for when he walks in. There is no other good way to do this. Honestly. I took Maggie and Max with me. I had no choice but to take Max. Ryan would honestly injur or kill him. And I can't deal with that. And Maggie is petrified of Ryan. When he yells she comes and cowers on my lap and shakes. And she is really attached to me so I knew that would be best. I have to admit, no matter how much Zoey gets on my nerves, it broke my heart to walk out the door and hear her crying. I'm crying just thinking about it.
I'm a wreck at work today. I can't concentrate at all. Hence the reason for this blog. I'm just at a loss. I have no idea what's next. I'm afraid for me for when he gets home and I'm honestly afraid for him too.
In my note I told him this isn't the end all of things. That I still want to do counseling and I hope he's man enough to show up to it. But I had to get out to save myself at this point. It's a slippery slope and I felt myself sliding more and more every day. I needed to be surrounded by people that love me unconditionally and really respect me as a person that has thoughts and feelings.
I have so many emotions running through my body right now. I'm, of course, super sad and heartbroken over the whole thing. I'm angry that he's made me do this at all. I'm feeling like I'm the one who is hurting him more by walking out like this. I just don't know what to feel or think at all.
I'm such a freakin mess.
A little bit of the rollercoaster I call my ever-changing life...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
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6 comments:
You did the right thing and I'm actually very relieved to hear that you got out of that ugly situation. Regardless of what happens, know that you did the right thing and you need to concentrate on YOU right now.
((hugs))
I'm so sorry it had to come to this, but you need to think of yourself for once. Living there with someone as volatile as Ryan was not good for you at all. I'll keep hoping that Ryan realizes what he's missing and everything he's done to drive you away. Maybe he'll get the help he needs, but if he doesn't you will still be just fine. Stay strong and remember that you have so many people that love and care for you. We're all here if you need us!
I'm proud of you. You finally did what you knew was the right thing for you, and it's something you've known for a while. We are all here for you and we are SO glad that you are taking care of yourself. I hope that he realizes what he's lost and works to make it work again, and if he doesn't then there's something even better waiting for you. You deserve the best. ((Hugs))
i am proud of you for standing up for yourself, i am relieved to know that you will be safe. you have to know that you did what is right for you - no matter how scary and unsure the ground under you feels at this moment. I hope beyond belief that things work out with Ryan - in a healthy, happy way. And if they don't - you will be even more sure that you're life will go on, and you will be a stronger, better person for having gone through this struggle.
{{{hugs}}}
I'm glad to hear that you're taking care of yourself. It's hard to do something like that(I was there once), I pray that you find yourself again. I pray that Ryan works on himself. You're such a strong woman, one way or another, you stay strong.
Becky, I'm so sorry to hear that it came to this, but you did the right thing and I am so proud of you. It takes strength and courage to do what you did, and I hope he realizes that he is the one who needs help, and will be worse off without you. I would love to hear a happy ending where he realizes what he is doing wrong, but if it doesn't come to that, you still did the right thing for yourself and your safety and that is what is important. We are all here for you. (((Hugs)))
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